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davidfoxfire — 2013-11-7-A Mouse in the Pizza Joint
Published: 2013-11-08 00:12:46 +0000 UTC; Views: 1191; Favourites: 7; Downloads: 9
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Art wise, I see some improvements, though Carolyn's eyes on panel 2 look uneven. Also, from my observations, you seem to make human faces in a shape too similar to a triangle when facing towards the readers on this strip. Jennifer seems to be the exception to that observation.
I do see a bit of confusion on who was talking in panel one. It seems that Dr. Tyler and Darryl for the first 2 bubbles and possibly Johnny on the next two.
On the last two speech bubbles, denoting who was talking was something I haven't seen often in comics, I'm still up in the air over whither that was a good idea or if it could have been done differently.
Regardless, keep at it and someday you may be able to prove you naysayers wrong.
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I appreciate the good words here, and pointing out the places where I still need work on. I intend to do the same with my writing, bringing some of Pory's suggestions into a story I'm writing for teh luls for just people in a MMO Guild.
What I'd like to do is to have little heads of the characters talking when they're off panel like in first and last panels here. Unlike the caption bits you mentioned, there are examples of the 'talking head' method in many other comics.
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I will say that Jennifer, the kid behind her and the one behind Johnny and probably look the best out of the (human) characters featured in the strip, and thanks to ladDevrow I now know why.
It's the 'triangular-shaped' faces. It becomes quite clear when we see the top halves of the head only, and Jennifer's rendition in panel 2 is more akin to how things should look for Carolyn, the man in the background and the mother talking to the child in the same panel.
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I guess I should point out that I'm Van_Kadix on the forums, it just that deviantart has a rather stingy policy on changing profile names.
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I knew it was you, looking at your profile. I just used the name for consistency's sake. Seems like you have to pay for name changes nowadays.
All the same, good on you for noticing the problem.
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You're right about that part. I really should steer away from the Triangle faces.
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I wanted to give this a few days, but I can see it quite hasn't sunk in.
I've mentioned on two previous occasions that changing the word "chagrin" to "dismay" based on the actions of the lab, and calling Johnny a "mouse boy" instead of a "mouse man" given his small stature should have been done before the strip went up.
I can see they haven't. Sometimes I don't know why I bother...
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I'll change that again. Sorry that it slipped my brain. Must've been thinking of the next strips.
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