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EvilpixieA — Dirty Magic
Published: 2013-02-13 13:06:28 +0000 UTC; Views: 1003; Favourites: 16; Downloads: 0
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William was bleeding, crying, and slowly dying.


"You're not done with me," he said. Red spilled between cracked lips. "I know you're not. I know you want to see more." Tears spilled from eyes, gently cut a path through the gore mattered on white cheeks, and tangled in a trimmed grey beard. "W-we're not done..." Do words make a sound if no one is there to hear them? "We're not done here do you hear me! I'm not dying here!"


But he was. Impossibly, the arrow that boy had shot had hit him, punched through chain mail, and sunk greedily into his lung. Air whistled through his chest, blood welled in his throat, and that boy stood over him; hair long and braided in the style of the natives, skin dusky, and face painted red and white. He looked frightened. But that could be the magic still wearing off. The cursed magic of the witches that led his people. The Fear.


"You can't take him," William realised with a sudden savage glee. "He's already taken! We're not done!" But still blood spilled, still tears fell, and still that boy stood as if caught on the end of a hook and line. Still the power remained still and dead. Gone. Left him to die by the sharpened stone tip of a stick. Panic rose. "I-I can show you much more. You always loved me. The rider, remember the rider? I'll bring him back. You understand?"

Nothing.

"Understand!? You know me! You know what I can do!" Words gargled in blood.


The boy nocked a second arrow and slowly drew the feathered end back to his cheek. His eyes were too wide, jaw too mobile, and face spotted with sweat. The Fear was guiding him. Pushing him forward to kill his enemy and end the mad-stricken cries, end the crazed threat, to destroy and old foe never known. But there was something else touching the boy; a cool dark calculating look that invaded his eyes, a alien skill in which he moved slowly forward, and a low chuckle that spilled from his throat.


"I do know what you can do, William. I have seen it again and again. Oh, how you seduced me when you first fell into life. The runaway mad for vengeance, terrified of his own uncontrollable power, and yet willing to destroy a nation to prove a point. An ugly, brutal, and senseless point. I didn't know you then. And everyday was a new, frantic, chapter in a dark twisted story. You were a maddening muddled road in the dark, and I loved it. But, as you said, I know you. You had your vengeance, you proved your point, and stalked off into the world and slowly, through the centuries we've been together, I've puzzled you out. I know you, William, better perhaps than you know yourself. And you, old friend, are boring. The same old fears, regrets, and broken promises." The boy shook his head and sighed. "Once fascinating, now cliche."


"You can't take him," William moaned. "He's already taken."

"No, he is under the influence of one of my oldest enemies. But Fear, William, hasn't yet infected this body. I can claim him and through him I'll see not a nation fall, no that has been done, but perhaps an empire." The wild terror in the boy's eyes was fading, the shiver in his limbs gone, and the taunt bow held steady. Impossibly so considering how long he'd held the arrow at ready. Instead the cold collective hunger William had grown to know so well was steeling across his features, ringing proud in his voice, and leaving William feeling oddly light headed, and sick.


It was blood loss, he reasoned, as he looked at the puddle now pooled under him. Or perhaps because he couldn't breathe properly. But part of him marveled at this strange feeling. A feeling of emptiness, openness... freedom? He lent forward, spat blood, and then lent back against a rock jutting from the earth.

"You're not done with me," he spoke with a cold crisp confidence as his panic faded. "You're never going to be done with me."

"You flatter yourself." But the arrow remained ready against string. The boy's dark eyes intent. "You, William, bore me."

"You know me," William said again, "I have so much more to show..."

"Goodbye."


William was dead. He could feel the cold heaviness of his body, the despondent flicker of his failing heart, and the listless seep of blood down his chest. His limbs were too heavy to wield his sword, dropped at his side, and fingers too numb to draw and flick a dagger. He was dead. But, by some delayed response, he could still piece a fragile train of thought together, see a blurry image of the boy in front of him, and will up the energy to jerk his leg in a last angry kick.


His heel connected with the boy's shin, driving him down on one knee with a cry of pain, and forcing the magic back so it was, once again, the frightened boy behind painted features. He threw down the bow, screamed something in his own language, and clutched his throat. Then he fell on William, pressing his hands against the wound in his chest, and forcing his rib cage down. William gasped in pain, and then sucked in a second frantic breath of air. The boy was holding his lung closed and yelling at him. Desperate for answers, for an explanation, for anything.


"Sorry kid," William rasped, "but that magic in you... that's mine."


William had done worse things. Perhaps it was the lack of it inside him, perhaps it was because it was so hard without his usual strength, or perhaps he had just lived too long and gotten too old, but killing that boy hurt him in an all to human way. But, even as he crushed the boy's throat he felt the magic leak back into him. Felt it begin to frantically repair his body; protecting its own interests should it be stranded within him once more.

"You're not done with me," he whispered, "and I'm not done with you."

Yet, even as William felt his strength return the boy's terrified face once again lapsed into cold calculation.

"Kill the boy," whitening lips moved, "save yourself." Smirked. "You bore me."


The young body began to weaken, twitch. Line of red spilled from nose. Tears trek through face paint. Nails buried in the skin of William's wrist. Bleeding... crying... slowly dying... Eyes flicking between dark disdain and white panic. Begging... pleading... slowly leaving... You bore me.


The boy sucked in a sharp, pained breath. Fingers clasped neck.


William rose, spat, and turned to leave. Magicless and mortal.


"William?" Not the boy. "William! What are you doing?!"


The arrow was still in him. Pained him with every slow, shuddering breath. With a grunt he snapped off the shaft and dropped it at his feet. It was a long way to the nearest healer but he'd gathered enough power to stitch together the wounds and mend his body enough for his body to survive the journey. Dimly he recalled where he'd left his horse.


"William!" A hand on his shoulder. "Answer me, what are you doing?"

"Get off me."

"Where are you going? What are you doing?" Frantic. Angry. "Damn you! Why didn't you kill the boy!?"

"Get off me," William repeated a shade darker.

"No! Why didn't you kill the boy? You always kill to save yourself. You always do! You were desperate. You wanted me! You begged for me!"

Silence.

"Answer me!"

"Go destroy your empire. I hope it's interesting. Just like the tens of other empires you've built and knocked down. Just like the hundreds of nations you've erected and destroyed. Just like the millions of people you've killed. I hope you find that interesting. Goodbye."


The boys face was contorted into a bestial mask; teeth barred, nostrils flared, and brows furrowed. "No! I'm not done with you! And you, you're not done with me! You're going to kill the boy. You always kill to save yourself. You always kill." Realisation. He stepped back, folded his arms, and curled his lips in satisfaction, sure he'd figured out the game, sure he'd solved the puzzle once again. "You're not done with me."


William knew his hunger showed. His desperation for that poisonous magic touch. He wanted it... Maybe it was the boy, doomed to carry the sweet curse until death do them part. Too innocent to murder. Maybe. But that was too easy. Too good. William hadn't been good for a long time. They both knew it. Even as the magic stood, confident of William's next violent action, William felt the dirty truth settle in his stomach. He had never been driven by nobility. Never.


"You're not done with me."

"No," William said, "I'll never be done with you."

A mocking grin. Head tipped back, bruised throat presented.

"You'll hear of me," William continued, "as you rot of boredom in that pathetic little life. You'll hear of me." Voice dropped to whisper. "But I'm sure you know this. I'm sure you've figured me out down to the motives and reasons for my every action. You won't be surprised by any of the stories you hear. You won't be left wondering why, who, or how. No, you know me too well for that." His lips curled. "Nothing I can do could possibly be interesting to you."


William turned, hugged his wounded side, and left the boy, the magic, standing still and silent behind him.




Related content
Comments: 19

C-A-Harland [2013-09-23 01:13:34 +0000 UTC]

This is a critique on behalf of


Did the lack of environmental description bother you and/or hinder the story? Would you prefer there to be more environmental description? How much? (bit nervous about this)

I think a touch more description would be nice here, it doesn’t have to be a lot, as you don’t want to overload the story and detract from the action, but even some hints as to inside or outside, day or night, hot or cold. A few well-placed concrete markers woven into your sentences will create a far more sensory depiction for your reader.

Do you think William changes too drastically and too rapidly during the story line? Can you connect the man at the beginning of the story with the one at the end? (character jitters)

I get the sense that William is very driven by self-preservation. He is begging and bartering for his life, then the moment he has the opportunity, he fights back, ready to kill if it means his own survival. This trait continues throughout the piece, so his character seems consistent, however I think the craving for magic could be exaggerated more in the earlier part as I get the feeling it is almost an addiction.

Did you understand what was happening? (kind of important that)

The section where the new person arrives is a little unclear. The impression was that William and the boy were alone then it seems that a stranger has appeared. Their conversation sounds like something that has continued from earlier on, but as it’s not part of this piece, it’s quite confusing for the reader, who doesn’t know what all the references are to. I get the feeling that that the other person is the incarnation of the magic he is siphoning off, and it obviously has a corruptive and controlling power. I think this would be better illustrated if the magic was not given physical form, and was instead a voice in his mind. You could then put its half of the dialogue in italics. This would make it a lot easier for the reader to catch on to what was happening, it also gives a better impression of the magic’s power to literally get inside his head.

Are there any grammar or spelling mistakes that just jump out and punch you in the eye? (as opposed to the ones that you don't notice)
A few words jumped out.

Mattered on white cheeks – matted

Nocked a second arrow – notched

Taunt bow - taut

 

Oh, and was the ending alright? (well... was it?)

I liked the ending. The recurring theme of interest vs boredom was a nice touch, as if this power is so great it really cares about nothing more than its own entertainment.

 

Overall, the story is well paced and the continuing action keeps it moving along and interesting. The dialogue is well written and flows naturally, my only critique being that there are a few too many references to things outside the immediate parameter of this piece, which can make it a bit confusing. There’s clearly an intriguing lore behind the story and I can see this becoming part of a larger work.


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ashimbabbar [2013-03-27 11:06:54 +0000 UTC]

It seems everybody gets the point but me…

I don't get it.

The power that used him decided to leave him for the boy, I get it. He was about to kill the boy so as to prevent that, I get it. He didn't do it in scorn for the power and for what he was, I understand. But why on earth is the power so mad about it ?

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EvilpixieA In reply to ashimbabbar [2013-04-02 06:55:43 +0000 UTC]

I was worried it was a bit vague and/or didn't connect solidly. It was an experiment and I love to hear feedback and results from that.

In short, the idea was 'Magic' was board of William because he was so predictable. When William did something that wasn't expected, when William did something interesting, the Magic wanted to know why. He was furious at losing William right when William started to become interesting again.

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ashimbabbar In reply to EvilpixieA [2013-04-02 10:43:33 +0000 UTC]

Hmmm… now I get it. I hadn't thought the Magic was complex enough to be curious or play mind games; I had figured it as solely bent on conquest and unable to grasp human behaviour, or expect anything from them, beyond self-aggrandizement and the satisfaction of appetites. Therefore I had thought its frustration came from William actually managing to harm it, and I couldn't see how…

The "No, he is under the influence of one of my oldest enemies." is a nice touch.

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doubleFacedHijinx [2013-02-20 16:19:08 +0000 UTC]

Okay here are some of my insights (although it might be a little naive not all that helpful so sorry about that! ) and answers to some of the questions!
Although there was a lack of environmental description, I still formed a general idea, albeit my own, about where it was taking place and who the people were. I kept seeing the boy as an Native American boy and William as a Crusader from Europe for some reason. Of course some people might like further insight as to what time period or where the characters were, but I feel like that part was perfectly fine for me.
And a character can never change too much within a story line! Okay, maybe I lied. Of course they can, but in this case though, it's justifiable because when a character comes close to something as traumatic as death while facing his inner humanity AND facing his addiction to power, a lot can conflict and happen emotionally to a character.
Yes I understood what was going on, although at first I was slightly confused (you know, without the backstory and all that) but eventually I pieced it all together and all in all the story really interests me.
Nothing that gramatically irked me as far as I was concerned
And the ending was fantastic. Makes me want to keep reading more ^u^
Overall, great job and wonderful idea!!!!
(Sorry for the block of text >.<)

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EvilpixieA In reply to doubleFacedHijinx [2013-02-21 01:42:09 +0000 UTC]

Thank you! It's wonderful hearing from you again and all feedback his helpful. You are, after all, a reader. I, the writer, am giving this to you to enjoy, so anything you say is helpful.

I'm thrilled it all came together for you even if the start was a bit fragmented. Do you think I need to touch up the beginning? Or is it alright the way it is despite itself?

Did you connect with William, the boy, and/or the magic presence in any way? I can see you don't mind Will's arch but did the character himself speak to you?

And you seemed to have nailed the scene pretty well. Guess my lack of environmental description was alright after all.

Sorry, that was more of a questionare than a thank you but I really do value my readers opinions.

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doubleFacedHijinx In reply to EvilpixieA [2013-03-06 03:25:46 +0000 UTC]

oh my gosh I am so sorry this reply is late >.<;
And as for an answer to your questions:
I believe the beginning is perfectly fine. The ambiguity of the beginning sort of confuses the reader at first, but it keeps them interested and reading in order to find out what's going on.
I personally felt as though both William and the magic prescence were very easy to relate to, maybe because somewhere inside everyone would stand up for what they believe is right, and also because we all have that dark muse whispering in our ear.
The boy, however, was a lot harder to make a connection to, perhaps because of the lack of dialogue but you could clearly sympathize the boy and his role as a stray victim.
I hope this helps

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jborgstr [2013-02-18 08:56:48 +0000 UTC]

I must say that I too loved the story very much. I read it last night and then again this morning - just had to

As for your questions I must say that DorianHerestor says it very well, I pretty much agree with her.
I would wish though that you would be a bit more consistent in making a new line when something has been said by one person and there is a reaction or a reply to it. Like in the fourth paragraph when you have William say:
"I-I can show you much more. You always loved me. The rider, remember the rider? I'll bring him back. You understand?" Nothing. "Understand!? You know me! You know what I can do!" Words gargled in blood.

That confused me a little and I think it would have worked better (at least for me) i you had broken the line of and written it like this:
"I-I can show you much more. You always loved me. The rider, remember the rider? I'll bring him back. You understand?"
Nothing.
"Understand!? You know me! You know what I can do!" Words gargled in blood.

But maybe that is just me.
I do love the battle of minds and I did get the "third individual" involved in the story although it took me a while to fully understand it. But I think that was part of what kept me entangled in the story.

As for spelling and grammar, I am also not a native English speaker, but I didn't notice any mistakes.

All in all a very catchy story that I should like to read more of.

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EvilpixieA In reply to jborgstr [2013-02-18 11:42:03 +0000 UTC]

Yes, I see your point. It is a bit... clumped. Very well, I shall stagger the dialogue and make a effort to do so in future first drafts. Thanks for the tip.

I'm thrilled to hear you liked it so much, and so soon after DorianHerestor gave me a similar message. After sitting on DA with not much attention I had reserved to believe that this piece wasn't as good as originally thought. I'm very glad to be told I'm wrong.

Thanks again!

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jborgstr In reply to EvilpixieA [2013-02-18 12:41:48 +0000 UTC]

You are very welcome.

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DorianHerestor [2013-02-17 23:09:05 +0000 UTC]

My God. Oh, my God! This story grabbed my attention from the very first sentence and it held it like a dog gnawing at a delicious bone until the end, which, by all means, is not an easy feat, so kudos for that!

Now to answer your questions.

First of all, no. The lack of setting discription did not bother me in the least, and I don't think you need to worry about because the amount of setting discription you included was just right for the type of story you wanted, I think. In fact, since this is essencially a character piece (feel free to correct me on this ), I think that if you had added a more detailed discription of the location, it probably would distract the readers from what's really important - the characters. Plus, the subtle discription that you did add was enough for me to assume that this story is set in a fantasy Middle Age-ish world, probably in a rural area, and maybe in a place that was or had recentlly been a battlefield, and in a character piece like this, that sort of setting establishment is all we really need!

Now about William. I have to confess, I simply love characters like William, characters that are terrible in the way that only extremely good characters can be. I just love anti-heros, and the ones that are pretty aware that they are total bastards and and are pretty unashamed of it are the best! Because of my love of anti-heros, I really, really enjoyed William. Honestly, I think that you have an awesome character here and, if I were you, I wouldn't let go of him anytime soon . That said, no, I don't think that William changed to rapidly nor to drastically troughout the story. His behavior is pretty consistente and believeble and so is his character arc. In my opinion, the change that occured him his was basically, well, if not the realisation, then the cementation (does that word exist?) of his personality and of the type of person that he is and the sort of acceptence of his very, very big flaws and, for this story, with this particular character, that's enough. Honestly, the only way I can see a chance in this character being considered drastic was if he suddenly turned into a good guy, which I'm glad you didn't do, because that would've been very lame.

As to what was happening in the story...well, feel free to correct me on this, I probably got it wrong, but I think that the boy was being possessed by some sort of deity of Death, who was very angry at William, and maybe even dissapointed in him, and the story is about a confrontation between said deity and William. I'd say that the two characters were playing some sort of twisted game, a game that William won by refusing to give the, lets call it Deity, the satisfaction of having him kill the boy it was possessing. I'm sure I'm missing some vital point here, which I'll realise when I re-read this...

As for typos and grammar mistakes, none jumped out, but I'm not sure if that's reassuring or not since I'm not an native English speaker and I wasn't really looking for them. So, to my casual, untrained eye, everything looks fine, which I guess means that if there are any typos or mistakes, at least they aren't to serious.

In the end, this is a wonderful, wonderful, absolutely wonderful piece by a writer who, based on this, I think is very talented. Your voice is pretty good, simple yet enjoyable (even though I think you should use pronouns just a little bit more). The truth is that this story of yours was an absolute pleasure to read, and I'm sure to check out some of your other works one of these days to!

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EvilpixieA In reply to DorianHerestor [2013-02-18 07:12:44 +0000 UTC]

Firstly, thank you so much for the feedback. It means so much to me that you not only took your time to read my work, but also sat down and typed out what you thought of it as well. And it's helpful! You've made writing, and posting this, a exorbitantly better and more educational experience. Thank you.

Your comment has also given me a massive ego boost because you seemed to understand it down to a tea. You knew the setting despite the lack of environmental description, you understood the character and his arch, and you get the story as well (except for maybe the part about the 'Magic' possessing William prior to possessing the boy. It was abandoning William because he'd gotten too boring. A notion that William didn't find pleasing).

This is actually the rebirth and marriage of two older ideas that seem to be romancing each other in my head. I wrote this as a bit of a sample; to see if there were sparks when the two came together. I'm still not sure but if they continue to move me these characters, setting, etc, may get a draft novel for their effort. Perhaps...

Thanks again for your comment, and for your note on pronouns. I didn't even notice I was doing that, but upon re-reading I believe you are right; they are a bit lacking.

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DorianHerestor In reply to EvilpixieA [2013-02-19 14:26:02 +0000 UTC]

Why, you are most welcome! Like I said in my critique, your story was an absolute pleasure to read and to review! It's always nice to find talented and imaginative writers here on DA, so I'm very glad I found you .

I'm glad glad that you enjoyed it and that it served to boost your ego, ( something every writer needs now and the ) and to help you too. As for the pronouns, I think that sometimes not adding a pronoun can work for the story because it can add to the tension, if it is used correctly. You used it well enough, for there are parts that the lack of the pronoun does increase the tension, but there are other parts, few, that could use a pronoun. Then again, this is a minor nitpick. I think you write very well.

It was Magic, not a Deity of Death? Darn it, I knew I had missed something! But I'm glad that at least I was right about the setting and William's character.

I really do enjoy William, and the word seems quite interesting too. In fact, the fact that it was Magic that was confronting and that Magic is not only sentient but can only choose to abandon it's...I'm going to use the word "host", when it, Magic, wants to, is in my opinion a very fascinating, very interesting and very original ideia that definitely deserves to be developed, and with a character like William...who knows, you may have something real special here!

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travelgirlxx [2013-02-17 02:36:19 +0000 UTC]

Lovely piece

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Epicaracacy [2013-02-13 13:23:32 +0000 UTC]

"nooked" a second arrow?

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EvilpixieA In reply to Epicaracacy [2013-02-13 13:25:06 +0000 UTC]

Is that not what one does?

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Epicaracacy In reply to EvilpixieA [2013-02-13 13:27:44 +0000 UTC]

i always that it was nocking. or cocking. but i think cocking refers to a gun.

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EvilpixieA In reply to Epicaracacy [2013-02-13 13:34:42 +0000 UTC]

I have just looked it up and you are right: it's nocked. Thanks, I would never have seen that one without you.

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Epicaracacy In reply to EvilpixieA [2013-02-13 13:35:21 +0000 UTC]

hehe you're welcome :3

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