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inmyroom — lessons we do not learn
Published: 2007-02-21 23:01:42 +0000 UTC; Views: 1224; Favourites: 34; Downloads: 12
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i was at the airport when i tried to reach you,telling you secrets bandaged in old news papers.
i guess i was expecting you to hear harder
than the plastic tubes and upsurge onto the first flight out here,
with a plaster and a blue flashing light.
i could not explain how i died there
on the terminal floor, with three men with guns not-looking
and a child running by.
this is what heartbreak is, i thought -- a lack of oxygen,
the force of gravity, loss of bone mass, a cot death,
a bulldozer, an assassination, a loss of faith, brain cancer
and three-day seconds where the world floats by
with knives in its eyes
because nobody sees the deceased
beneath this kind of skin.
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Comments: 22
I just used the title of this poem in a Found Poetry Project, which can be found here: [link] . The poem that this helped to create can be found here: [link] .
Thank you!
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this new dev format is killing me. The side bar chops off about the first letter of your entire first and second stanza. I still admire your imagery choices and noticed a stronger feel within your presentation to the audience over your last several pieces. nice.
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its a damn good point you make, but its also a bit brief. you could stand to elaborate
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"this is what heartbreak is, i thought -- a lack of oxygen,
the force of gravity, loss of bone mass, a cot death,
a bulldozer, an assassination, a loss of faith, brain cancer"
This repeats in my mind ...
Beautiful ..
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This piece doesn't seem to fully capture the essence of what you're trying to do here for me. It's a good piece, don't get me wrong, (one wouldn't comment if one didn't appreciate), But it seems a bit rushed.. Just, too.. 'choppy'.
It's a very full on piece and I would suggest fleshing it out a bit.
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'i could not explain how i died there
on the terminal floor, with three men with guns not-looking
and a child running by.
this is what heartbreak is, i thought -- a lack of oxygen,
the force of gravity, loss of bone mass, a cot death,
a bulldozer, an assassination, a loss of faith, brain cancer'
consider yourself one damn good poet.
I'm.
crying.
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this is what heartbreak is, i thought -- a lack of oxygen,
the force of gravity, loss of bone mass, a cot death,
a bulldozer, an assassination, a loss of faith, brain cancer
and three-day seconds where the world floats by
with knives in its eyes
because nobody sees the deceased
beneath this kind of skin.
you know how to write feelings that i thought were impossible to capture, and that is why i love you.
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Astounding as always.
never stop writing, aside from minor errors here and there, you've
really got it inside and that is all that matters.
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It's like a movie, in slow motion and ten minutes long.
It sort of reminds me of myself,
the recent phone calls I make to my lover.
Yet again, incredible work.
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It's like a movie, in slow motion and ten minutes long.
It sort of reminds me of myself,
the recent phone calls I make to my lover.
Yet again, incredible work.
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sorry about the double post, internet's being a whore.
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amazing! Very nicely done-I always love the feelings your poems give the reader!!
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You certainly have the ability to know when to use just the right words. Everything seems to be carefully chosen and organized. The way you write reminds me of some of my poems, actually.
I don't think it's your best to date, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. It has a cold but romantic feel to it.
Keep it up!
- Daniel
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bandanged in news papers- disintegrating material, ink smearing on skin
plastic tubes- deathbed hospital, cold inanimate, artificial, (terminal floor-double meaning) repeated w. a lack of oxygen, cot death, loss of bone mass, brain cancer
-all relate to bandaged poorly
blue flashing light- authority, goes with men with guns, assasination, knives
things i could not group- running child, plaster, loos of faith, gravity, world floats (i guess those two) skin.
overall, good images, coherent thought stream, cohesive work
my only crit is on the ending, and i know you didnt ask for critique.
peace and love
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p.s. i likes
"and three-day seconds where the world floats by
with knifes in its eyes" because it can be that long and because it sounds song like, perhaps like the hawks i heard, in new mexico.
*Smiles*
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bah. you's need a spell check babysweets.
Funny, though, you described me perfectly, standing outside the airport as he drove away, with nothing but a backpack, some greyhound stubs, and half of a fortune cookie fortune bunched in my fist.
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i am dyslexic. haha.
spanks love.
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Hmm... I like the second stanza, and a few deaths you described are interesting: particularly the loss of faith and a bulldozer lurking innocently among some more 'normal' ways to die.
I see you've built a strong theme around indifference, but the ending seems a bit iffy though. Could you explain it, I'm very curious
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