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Published: 2009-12-24 08:15:38 +0000 UTC; Views: 10030; Favourites: 212; Downloads: 89
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There was blood on my hands when I played the piano for you that day.It was the same street piano on the corner of the park that we used to play in, outracing the butterflies that gathered around the roses that grew there. We used to pretend we could fly like them, dancing from petal to petal, free from the world's cruelties. So happy. So naive.
A skid of a wheel had changed all that.
That day, your butterfly wings had been torn out of their sockets. They joined a long list that had been stuffed into jars over the centuries, to be ogled over by Death, the sadistic collector who never failed when it was our turn to submit. You were captured too early, too soon, but there was nothing I could do. I was on the piano, playing your nocturne, when you crossed the busy road. Blood sprayed, horns screamed and I turned to see you flung over a windscreen, unmoving.
There was a funeral, of course. There were tears, but none slid down my face that day.
I saved it for the piano.
You should have seen it, Sarah. It never looked so beautiful under moonlight. Mahogany and silver, the two colours you said made up the colours of my heart. The mahogany for the warmth I provided during our darkest days, and the silver that melted with the kindness you said I possessed. Those colours had long faded, falling prey to the chill of your dying memory.
A dark shadow descended across the piano, blocking out the moonlight. My head jerked up to see black clouds drifting across the sky, obscuring the moon. Suddenly, the silence of the night was broken: cars crunched by, spraying grit on the seat, and I heard footsteps echo down the sidewalk.
They stopped.
Puzzled, I turned around. There was an old man standing a few metres away, leaning against the fence of the park. His hair seemed to glow like silver pennies in the weak light that illuminated us and there was a sad, almost sympathetic smile on his face.
Forgetting myself, I yelled. "What are you looking at?"
The old man straightened himself, leaning on a walking stick for support. "It's been a while."
For a few seconds, we stared at each other. A part of me struggled to tell him to go away; another part of me wanted him to stay. The seconds stretched into minutes. Every moment now was characterised by the white puffs of our breaths, drifting towards the sky.
"Who are you?" I said finally.
The old man bowed his head. "I was there when it happened."
My heart lurched, my throat jammed; I could not believe what I was hearing. "What are you talking about?"
The old man ploughed on, "I was there when your girlfriend died."
Crash. My arms had fallen onto the piano, denting the beautiful black and white keys. The leaves above them shook with the impact, some detaching from the branches completely. They fell in a spiral, joining the tears that had suddenly sprung from my eyes and shattered the barrier I had built all evening.
"She helped me feed the birds that morning, just before she crossed the road. She loved doves, she told me. So white in feather, so pure and innocent by heart. Just like the boy who always played her favourite Chopin Nocturnes on the street piano across the road. It's rare to see young people today who embrace the concept as whole-heartedly as she did that day, even in her last moments, when the car struck her down."
"Please..." It was all coming back to me now. The sudden screech of tires, the muffled thump and the screams as she was found, lying on the windscreen, with the horrified owner staring at her as though she had come from nowhere. I had pushed people aside to grab her shoulders, to shake her awake, but you could never wake a butterfly whose wings had just been ripped.
"...such a beautiful girl, such a tragedy. I'm sorry for you, boy. I'm really sorry."
"What are you sorry about?" I stood up from the piano, kicking the chair aside. The clunk travelled down the street, an empty call of anguish. "You don't know what it feels like. You don't understand."
"Son--"
"You're just an old man!"
"I was a young man once."
I slumped against the side of the piano, lost for words. Sarah came flitting into my mind then, her happy face recalling memories that were too painful to remember. Instead, they were swept away by the stricken face of the driver, the face of a murderer. An inexplicable jolt of anger took hold of me and I slashed at the piano.
"He deserved to die! The driver...he killed her! He should have died too..."
The old man jerked on his feet, his eyes wide with surprise. But I did not see him anymore; I could only see the face of the man who had killed Sarah, and the boy who saw her dead was not the gentle dove anymore.
"Sarah was right about me. I was only a dove, an innocent bird who knew nothing. I thought it was so easy for both of us to live together forever, to fly away from the world to chase our dreams. I was wrong. I was so wrong."
"Son--"
"Sarah loved me when everyone else would reject me for being the loser I was. She was there when I needed her. While I was with her, I never had any cause to hate anyone who dared to stand in our way. We would just smile and move on. But now...she's moved on. Now, there isn't anything left."
Tears started falling again, puddling onto the pavement below. I did not care that an old man was watching. You could not hide grief forever.
"Son," The old man shuffled forward until his gnarled hand touched me on the shoulder, "I only meant well when I spoke of her. She was a beautiful soul, someone special. You were very lucky to have met each other."
"Why are you telling me this?" I asked him. I looked at him, his world-wearied eyes and bent body, and wondered why he cared for a boy far below his years.
The sigh escaped from his body in a plume of smoke. "I had a wife called Sarah too. Like your Sarah, she was beautiful, and gone too soon."
Nothing in the world could have prepared me for that.
It was only after a stream of cars had passed that we both came to our senses, away from our memories. I dropped back to the piano, my fingers automatically placed on the keys as they had done for so many years. This time, there was something lying on top of them.
"A gift, from someone who understands," said a quiet voice.
I picked it up and held it under the moonlight. A white rose. Even though it must have been a few days since it had been plucked from its garden bed, the stem still stood proud, and the flower glowed with a life that could not be quenched so easily. One of its kind, and definitely costing more than the regular rose.
I turned around, my mouth opening in thanks, but he merely pointed to the piano.
"Play something."
Just for tonight, I played her nocturne.
When the final note hung in the air, only to be spirited away by the wind, I turned to see the old man shuffling past me. Our eyes met and he nodded once, a smile on his face. Then he was gone, turning down the next street, his breaths puffing like a train's funnel.
I never saw him again.
Standing up from the piano, I closed the lid for the last time. Tomorrow, it would be removed, and in its place would be the ghost of memories that I will never forget. Clutching the white rose, I looked over the fence of the park, where the butterflies roamed.
"Our wings will never be clipped as long as you live in my memory."
Related content
Comments: 246
bekkia [2010-03-28 00:44:24 +0000 UTC]
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I'm going to be blunt with you, because I think you're mature enough to take it, and you asked me to critique this. Just to warn you, I'm not going to sugarcoat things. That being said, the opening, ie the first two paragraphs, was a heap of clichés. Using clichés like bloody hands playing the piano, gatherings of butterflies, and roses aren't doing you any good, especially when you could replace them with fresher symbolism, and really light up the meaning of the piece instead of bogging the reader down with useless, pretty images. Now, don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with imagery being beautiful, but if you are going for eyeball kick, steer toward newer, less widely used symbolism or even none at all (though I prefer symbolism, myself).
With an unoriginal opening like that, I would really be tempted, as a reader, to not go on. One thing you did do well with the opening, however, was to give it a sense of immediacy and plot movement, which I haven't seen very much of on dA lately. So good job on that.
The third paragraph continues in too overt a manner. You're relying too heavily on death, destruction, and bluntly trite symbolism. The story veers off into a sort of musing, away from any sort of story to brooding about death, who I feel like isn't a character in the story so much as a divergence. In other words, this was the literary version of a commercial away from the actual story line.
I also think waiting to cry at the piano is good characterization. It's not completely unoriginal, but it isn't completely original either.
After that, you bring up an audience/recipient character for the first time, and I feel like this came out of nowhere. I'm not entirely sure if this is being written or spoken to her, and I would like to at least know in advance, as in farther towards the beginning, who she is and the relationship to the speaker. That isn't the sort of detail that is an interesting reveal detail to be left for the end. That's the sort of thing authors annoy readers with.
I also think, for the short length of the piece, you spend a bit too much time describing the piano, and not in a particularly descriptive way, either. I'm also not sure what sort of piano it is, which would be a better detail to dwell on, if you must, than to dwell on its colors, which would not be as easily seen in the moonlight.
Watch for run-on sentences. I've spotted at least two or three of them so far, and they would be easily alleviated with a comma. You should really give your work a thorough once over for grammar and spelling, which I trust has already been brought to your attention in earlier comments.
"What are you looking at?" seems like an inappropriate response for having someone sneak up on you in an alley at night. Think about it. What would you say?
At the mention of a girlfriend, I have to ask if the narrator is male or female. I was going on the impression she was female. If it is actually a male, you really need to work on a more male narration pattern.
I was also unaware that the piano was connected to a tree. Or were the leaves falling from the rosebush? That section is unclear. Also, you don't need to remind the reader that the piano is black and white. Most pianos generally are, so this is an unnecessary detail. This tidbit would be more important if the piano was contrary to the norm, say if it was purple or made of wax, you know?
I think your dialogue is pretty good, though. It has a lyricism about it that I like. Except now that they started arguing, it drifts into canned dialogue. "You're just an old man!" "I was a young man once.""He deserved to die!" Try to stay away from dialogue that is used so often, especially in movies. You'll find that people just don't talk like that. You've shown that, for the most part, you know how to do dialogue right, just remember to keep yourself in check. Also, sometimes with speech, less is more. Remember that, too.
I am unsure of the setting. I think you need more concrete description of things other than the piano. Is it in an alley? In a park? Next to the road? I'm at a loss.
The white rose amongst the red ones has been done absolutely to death and back again. It's completely lost its power as a metaphor.
Over all, I think the plot structure was pretty good, and underneath the over-emotionality, the characters were sound. For improvement, I suggest weeding out the trite symbolism and unnecessary imagery in order to focus on the characters and plot.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
julietcaesar In reply to bekkia [2010-03-28 00:57:07 +0000 UTC]
Thanks for being blunt; I've had a feeling I've been getting let off too easily with some of my pieces and your critique just reminded me in a good way how much I've got to improve as a writer. I'm definitely going to read this critique a few times and make some serious changes to the piece.
Thanks again.
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bekkia In reply to julietcaesar [2010-03-28 01:01:04 +0000 UTC]
If you have any questions on specific things, don't hesitate to ask.
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exarobibliologist [2009-12-30 22:01:17 +0000 UTC]
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I saw this poem on #theWrittenRevolution
Wow! That story is amazing! There is definitely a strong emotional component to this story and it's visible and present throughout the writing.
I teared up while reading it, and had to wipe my eyes about halfway through to keep reading.
One thing I really appreciated about this story was that it wasn't overly emotional. It touched a variety of emotions as well; love, anger, compassion, empathy, and memory being a few I picked out. The variety of emotions you touch on in this story allowed the story to maintain its flow and freshness to the end. It did not stagnate as it would if you had only touched on one component of emotion.
I also liked the very strong characterization, especially since it was written from a first-person standpoint. First-person writing sometime makes the "individual" (person who is doing the thinking and talking) characterization rough or limited. Not so with your story! You've included enough details about what the boy was thinking and feeling throughout the story, that although there a no third person details given (for example, what he looked like, was wearing, how he preferred sitting at the piano) we can still relate to the person in the story.
All in all, this story is superb! I look forward to reading more from you someday.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
julietcaesar In reply to exarobibliologist [2009-12-30 23:41:20 +0000 UTC]
Thanks for the critique! I appreciate it and I'm glad you enjoyed the story.
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exarobibliologist In reply to julietcaesar [2009-12-30 23:47:03 +0000 UTC]
You're welcome. Thanks for submitting the story for critique.
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jonathoncomfortreed [2009-12-26 04:34:10 +0000 UTC]
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Well, this is partly from #theWrittenRevolution , but I'm also writing it because I have a new goal of one critique a day. You're my first.
This is very powerfully written, and I can tell you've put in a lot of effort to convey the strong emotions in this story. You did well, of course, and I think the saturation of tragedy works perfectly. You have many, many intriguing metaphors that benefit this piece, and are beautiful representations of love and loss.
However, with so many ideas and metaphors, you need to be careful of how you flit (like a butterfly, loved that one) from image to image. Some tend to get forgotten or left behind, and then abruptly reintroduced. For example, the butterfly metaphor. When he's talking to the old man, it disappears, and then turns out to be the closing sentence, after a sudden return. This is kind of confusing, and could be dealt with a little better.
It seems to me that you almost had too many ideas, my dear. That's definitely not a bad thing, but, as I said, you need to be extra careful the more you include. Another problem is symmetry. What I mean by that specifically is that your introduction and conclusion need to be tied together a bit more. The piano idea is great, but since you started with it, I think you should finish with it. It would be more satisfying, for me at least.
Your ideas just need to be a bit better organized. Other than that main point, the flower symbol was a little unexpected. I'm not sure if I missed something or not, but it took me by surprise, which it shouldn't have. I think the old man says "son" a little too much, but there's really not much else wrong with this. Oh, one other thing, I've never really thought of butterflies having "sockets" – maybe you could think of a different word?
I loved the descriptions, and the sudden replays of the crash in particular. Beautiful style of writing, very emotive and inspiring. I'm sorry for the rather heavy critique, but I'd really love to see this get even better, because it has a lot of potential.
Well done!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
julietcaesar In reply to jonathoncomfortreed [2009-12-26 04:41:15 +0000 UTC]
Thanks for the critique! I like your new goal, I wish you luck with it. Glad to be your first.
I definitely do need to get a little more organised with my metaphors, I have a tendency to splash them around too much. A lot of people probably go for the imagery a lot and forget about how it's really meant to be delivered, so I'm glad to see an insight on what I can do to make that better.
I'll see what I can do to tweak this piece better.
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jonathoncomfortreed In reply to julietcaesar [2009-12-26 05:27:33 +0000 UTC]
Thanks.
Excellent, I'll come back sometime and see what you change.
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8Hope24 [2013-09-11 06:32:55 +0000 UTC]
The first line really caught me. I don't read many stories/poems on DA because of how many of them just are not that good, so I look for a hook on the first line if I'm to read it. This really worked. And the whole piece unfolds wonderfully.
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BlackRavenKuria [2013-09-11 04:59:09 +0000 UTC]
This is so sweet. I have to admit, it made me cry. The details, the metaphors, everything is so well placed and really lets you in on the character's emotions and thoughts. It is very well written and very strong. Well done. Well done indeed. It couldn't have been better told.
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Delrymple121 [2013-09-11 04:12:59 +0000 UTC]
That was so beautiful... moved me to tears. Excuse me while I go collect some tissues to blot away my tears. Good job <3
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TheRedQueen013 [2013-09-11 02:05:06 +0000 UTC]
You are an amazing writer, your words are like color on a colorful canvas.
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Hogwarts-Bound [2013-09-11 00:54:49 +0000 UTC]
I would like to inform you that yes it was clichéd but I kept reading. Those who say the reader will not continue on must be stupid. Because I read on. I loved every moment of it! The image was clear. You can see it while reading it! I am a writer. I saw everything as it happened. I cried from this moving piece of artwork. Tears escaped from the corners of my eyes to the bottom of my jaw. I was inspired to draw something from this piece (which I am about to go do). it was inspirational to me. Please keep up the good work. Don't stop writing, because my friend you have a gift. Please don't throw away such a beautiful gift.
Best wishes and good luck to you. <3
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SECRET-NINJA-SUPER-M [2013-09-11 00:14:12 +0000 UTC]
That was beautiful. I started getting so emotional about halfway through it.
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Jester-of-Kings [2013-09-10 16:01:39 +0000 UTC]
Very soft, eloquent and heartfelt. You've conjured a masterpiece. The imagery is fantastic.
Congratulations on the DD. It's well deserved.
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GuardianDragon1 [2013-09-10 15:31:26 +0000 UTC]
I just have to say that this was beautiful. For those who care to notice, cliche's are not so terrible when used correctly.
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RipplingEmbers [2013-09-10 14:11:50 +0000 UTC]
I think this is a great story, fully deserving of the DD. Congrats!
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TruthisTruth [2013-09-10 13:10:09 +0000 UTC]
I well done piece: I quite enjoyed it. However, it felt rather... cliched, if you will. It's a great story, but the conversation between the boy and the old man was rather unoriginal. Other than that, I liked it. Well done, and congrats on the DD!
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Exillior [2013-09-10 07:15:58 +0000 UTC]
I will read later (about to leave for work) but OMG CONGRATS ON THE DD!
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DailyLitDeviations [2011-02-01 13:35:15 +0000 UTC]
Congratulations! Your wonderful literary work has been chosen for a feature in today's Daily Literature Deviations.
You can find the article here: [link]
Please take a moment to the article and congratulate your fellow featured authors!
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whimsy657 [2010-08-06 00:21:59 +0000 UTC]
This is beautiful, I was almost crying.
Amazing...!
~another Sarah
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namenotrequired [2010-06-13 21:27:04 +0000 UTC]
In case you hadn't seen it - I featured this on the side of my journal page under Gifts & Dedications
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julietcaesar In reply to namenotrequired [2010-06-14 03:48:07 +0000 UTC]
I saw, thank you so much.
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EmoKool-girl [2010-04-05 22:06:18 +0000 UTC]
Oops not i meant to say you and the person who wrote Elizabeth, Elizabeth are really good writers! My bad! Had a slow typed too fast moment
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EmoKool-girl [2010-04-05 22:03:34 +0000 UTC]
Wow your such a good writer...I WANNA WRITE JUS LIKE YOU!!! XD "There was blood on my hands when I played the piano for you that day."
I read this line and i was pulled in automatically and im glad i was. This is so good! Im so glad there is a good writer on DA. This and Elizabeth, Elizabeth are just simply beautiful.
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art-acheiver-4eva [2010-03-16 08:32:07 +0000 UTC]
I loved it
So, so much
I'm staring at the screen for like... 10 minutes after I finished. Every single time I read it. This is probably like my 4th comment or so on this, so I promise this will be the last
[link] here, for this
I'm still learning to draw realism, sorry
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
julietcaesar In reply to art-acheiver-4eva [2010-03-20 01:28:08 +0000 UTC]
Wow, thank you so much!
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julietcaesar In reply to Charlene-Art [2010-02-21 06:28:02 +0000 UTC]
Thanks, I'm glad it came across like that.
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ke-aira [2010-02-07 13:48:32 +0000 UTC]
the punch this gives doesn't seem to be gentler even though i've read this a dozen times over.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
julietcaesar In reply to ke-aira [2010-02-07 14:05:46 +0000 UTC]
Glad you found it quite impacting.
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Kaz-D [2010-01-30 19:52:06 +0000 UTC]
You have been featured in Love Lit - Issue Three
Please check out the news article and if you like it, please favourite it!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
zLustre [2010-01-19 11:07:14 +0000 UTC]
have i commented on this?
i can't remember.
but this is the second(or third, fourth) time i'm reading this, and it still packed quite a punch to my heart.
i really love this, just so you know.
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