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Description

TRIGGER WARNING: If you are a hardcore Putin fan, you will find this picture and the story associated with it offensive and it will probably cause you physical pain, diarrhoea and severe bleeding from your eyes and ears. To the rest of the people, who have at least two functional brain cells: This is a highly satirical story showing what could happen if other countries followed the same "logic" as Russia did with their recent tragicomic staged "referendums" about the annexation of four Ukrainian territories.

Following the referendums, the internet (especially Twitter) is full of jokes about annexing Kaliningrad, so I decided to contribute to this trend myself. 😁 Although the only right solution is obviously to connect it to Czechia so that it can become a naval power, I decided to be fair to the people from other countries whose history involves this area and went for a condominium of the most influential states instead.

The Story Associated with this Drawing:

At the end of September 2022, four Ukrainian administrative units were annexed by Russia, following a completely legitimate referendum conducted in these areas, as stated in a decree signed by the glorious Führer Putin himself. As there was an absolutely no way these referendums were manipulated, staged or in any case broke any general rules about running a referendum in the first place (Russia claims they were legitimate and Russia is the only country in the world that is always honest and right), this opened up many new opportunities for other countries.

Königsberg, also known as Královec, Królewiec, Karaliaučius or Regiomontium, is a city at the coast of the Baltic Sea, founded in its modern form by the Teutonic Knights during the 13th century and named in honor of the Bohemian (Czech) king Ottokar II of the Přemyslid dynasty. Over the next several centuries, the city has been under the control of several nations, including Poland and the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth, Prussia and later ending up in the hands of the German Empire. Only in the second half of the 20th century, the city and the surrounding area fell under the control on the Soviet Union and was renamed „Kaliningrad“ in honor of some random Soviet dude who died around that time. When the Soviet Union dissolved in 1993, Russia claimed the place for itself as none of the former righteous owners were loud enough about wanting it back. The Soviet Union and Russia itself never cared about the history of the place and only needed a convenient place to dock their barely seaworthy aircraft carrier/cruiser amalgamation thingy, along with some other vessels. They also didn’t care much about preserving the rich culture and architectural heritage of the place and transformed many parts of it into a typical gray Soviet concrete jungle.

However, the recent „referendums“ that happened in Ukraine showed that according to Russia, it is completely legitimate to annex a territory you don’t even fully control (or you don’t control at all) and where people don’t want to join you unless you put a loaded assault rifle to their heads, just because at some point in the past, it was a part of a governmental body your present country feels come connection to. Therefore, Poland, Czechia and Lithuania decided it was completely legitimate to annex the former area of Königsberg. Later on, these three countries reluctantly agreed Germany can join the party too. After all, the area had been controlled by Prussia and the German Empire in the past as well. Therefore, Germany decided to send all six of its combat-worthy soldiers to assist with the annexation process, and it only took them three weeks of heated debates and arguments in the parliament. Everything was ready…

On October 7th, when the Führer celebrated his 70th birthday, the air defense crews of Kaliningrad were even more drunk than usual, because they were ordered to celebrate as well. Some of them even went completely blind after drinking some questionable samogon, as Lithuania has been blocking the imports of actual solid alcohol for a while. This was a perfect opportunity to strike. Polish, Czech and Lithuanian airborne units (and those few combat-worthy Germans) started raining onto the city and caught the local garrison completely off-guard, half of them in their underpants. Everyone was quickly locked up and subsequently, a referendum was held. Citizens of Kaliningrad were given the opportunity to either vote to leave Russia and become a condominium of Poland, Czechia, Lithuania and Germany, or to be caused to „disappear under mysterious circumstances“ along with their family and friends – a completely fair and unbiased set of options of course. Along with them, the soldiers who conducted the operation also voted, each of them at least ten times as it was deemed unnecessary to check their IDs. The votes were thrown into transparent ballot boxes, so that it was easy to check that the only right option was chosen by everybody. Everything went according to Russia’s own rules, so it was completely valid. At the same time, the regular citizens of the four involved nations were also allowed to vote on the fate of Kaliningrad in their respective countries (the Russians in mainland Russia were also offered the option to vote, but for some reason, they completely ignored it, almost as if they didn't consider it a serious proposal).

The votes were quickly counted and the result was announced. An overwhelming 168 % of voters agreed that Kaliningrad, I mean Königsberg, should leave Russia and fall under the rule of its former owners. A nice, but obviously a completely plausible result.

After the referendum, the area became officially known as The Condominium of Königsberg. The original architecture of the city was renewed and the ugly Soviet concrete buildings were demolished. The ships of the former Baltic fleet which were harboured in the city were distributed among the four ruling nations, with Czechia claiming the aircraft carrier Kuznetsov, renaming it to Masaryk after the first Czechoslovak president, and finally becoming a naval superpower it always deserved to be. The nuclear arsenal found in the area was partially dismantled, with the uranium from the warheads (most of which came from the Czech mines at Jáchymov anyway) being mixed with U238 and thus „de-enriched“ into nuclear fuel for power generation. This also allowed Poland to finally open its own nuclear power station and close down the controversial Turów coal mine, no longer depriving the northernmost parts of Czechia of ground water. The other half of the nuclear weapons was given to Ukraine, as it only lost its nuclear arsenal as a result of the Budapest Memorandum which nobody gave a sh*t about after signing it, so Ukraine deserved to get its weapons back.

Russia was shocked by the events, but could not do anything about the situation. As the „referendum“ conducted in Königsberg followed the exact same rules as their own referendums conducted in Kherson, Zaporyzhia, Donetsk and Luhansk, they had to consider it valid, otherwise they would openly admit their annexation of these territories wasn’t justified.

After the non-violent liberation of Königsberg, many countries followed the example, with Sweden and Finland announcing a referendum on the independence of Saint Petersburg, as it was originally a Nordic fortress called Nyenskans, China finally getting some territories in Manchuria it has wanted for a long time, and the Japanese finally getting back all the Kuril islands. Russia was only lucky the Mongols did not bother to announce a referendum as well, considering the immense size the Mongol Empire reached under the rule of Djenghis Khan…

Jokes aside, the atrocities that the Russian regime continues to conduct in Ukraine are horrendous. Moreover, more and more regular Russians are becoming a victim of the war orchestrated by the maniacal ruling class as well (although, to be fair, many of those who are now fleeing mobilization were probably waving flags with Zs and shouting something about killing "Ukronazis" just a few weeks back, and I somehow fail to feel sorry for them specifically). If you want to help the cause, visit THIS POST where you can find out how you can support Ukraine, I am sure your help will be welcome!

Description

TRIGGER WARNING: If you are a hardcore Putin fan, you will find this picture and the story associated with it offensive and it will probably cause you physical pain, diarrhoea and severe bleeding from your eyes and ears. To the rest of the people, who have at least two functional brain cells: This is a highly satirical story showing what could happen if other countries followed the same "logic" as Russia did with their recent tragicomic staged "referendums" about the annexation of four Ukrainian territories.

Following the referendums, the internet (especially Twitter) is full of jokes about annexing Kaliningrad, so I decided to contribute to this trend myself. 😁 Although the only right solution is obviously to connect it to Czechia so that it can become a naval power, I decided to be fair to the people from other countries whose history involves this area and went for a condominium of the most influential states instead.

The Story Associated with this Drawing:

At the end of September 2022, four Ukrainian administrative units were annexed by Russia, following a completely legitimate referendum conducted in these areas, as stated in a decree signed by the glorious Führer Putin himself. As there was an absolutely no way these referendums were manipulated, staged or in any case broke any general rules about running a referendum in the first place (Russia claims they were legitimate and Russia is the only country in the world that is always honest and right), this opened up many new opportunities for other countries.

Königsberg, also known as Královec, Królewiec, Karaliaučius or Regiomontium, is a city at the coast of the Baltic Sea, founded in its modern form by the Teutonic Knights during the 13th century and named in honor of the Bohemian (Czech) king Ottokar II of the Přemyslid dynasty. Over the next several centuries, the city has been under the control of several nations, including Poland and the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth, Prussia and later ending up in the hands of the German Empire. Only in the second half of the 20th century, the city and the surrounding area fell under the control on the Soviet Union and was renamed „Kaliningrad“ in honor of some random Soviet dude who died around that time. When the Soviet Union dissolved in 1993, Russia claimed the place for itself as none of the former righteous owners were loud enough about wanting it back. The Soviet Union and Russia itself never cared about the history of the place and only needed a convenient place to dock their barely seaworthy aircraft carrier/cruiser amalgamation thingy, along with some other vessels. They also didn’t care much about preserving the rich culture and architectural heritage of the place and transformed many parts of it into a typical gray Soviet concrete jungle.

However, the recent „referendums“ that happened in Ukraine showed that according to Russia, it is completely legitimate to annex a territory you don’t even fully control (or you don’t control at all) and where people don’t want to join you unless you put a loaded assault rifle to their heads, just because at some point in the past, it was a part of a governmental body your present country feels come connection to. Therefore, Poland, Czechia and Lithuania decided it was completely legitimate to annex the former area of Königsberg. Later on, these three countries reluctantly agreed Germany can join the party too. After all, the area had been controlled by Prussia and the German Empire in the past as well. Therefore, Germany decided to send all six of its combat-worthy soldiers to assist with the annexation process, and it only took them three weeks of heated debates and arguments in the parliament. Everything was ready…

On October 7th, when the Führer celebrated his 70th birthday, the air defense crews of Kaliningrad were even more drunk than usual, because they were ordered to celebrate as well. Some of them even went completely blind after drinking some questionable samogon, as Lithuania has been blocking the imports of actual solid alcohol for a while. This was a perfect opportunity to strike. Polish, Czech and Lithuanian airborne units (and those few combat-worthy Germans) started raining onto the city and caught the local garrison completely off-guard, half of them in their underpants. Everyone was quickly locked up and subsequently, a referendum was held. Citizens of Kaliningrad were given the opportunity to either vote to leave Russia and become a condominium of Poland, Czechia, Lithuania and Germany, or to be caused to „disappear under mysterious circumstances“ along with their family and friends – a completely fair and unbiased set of options of course. Along with them, the soldiers who conducted the operation also voted, each of them at least ten times as it was deemed unnecessary to check their IDs. The votes were thrown into transparent ballot boxes, so that it was easy to check that the only right option was chosen by everybody. Everything went according to Russia’s own rules, so it was completely valid. At the same time, the regular citizens of the four involved nations were also allowed to vote on the fate of Kaliningrad in their respective countries (the Russians in mainland Russia were also offered the option to vote, but for some reason, they completely ignored it, almost as if they didn't consider it a serious proposal).

The votes were quickly counted and the result was announced. An overwhelming 168 % of voters agreed that Kaliningrad, I mean Königsberg, should leave Russia and fall under the rule of its former owners. A nice, but obviously a completely plausible result.

After the referendum, the area became officially known as The Condominium of Königsberg. The original architecture of the city was renewed and the ugly Soviet concrete buildings were demolished. The ships of the former Baltic fleet which were harboured in the city were distributed among the four ruling nations, with Czechia claiming the aircraft carrier Kuznetsov, renaming it to Masaryk after the first Czechoslovak president, and finally becoming a naval superpower it always deserved to be. The nuclear arsenal found in the area was partially dismantled, with the uranium from the warheads (most of which came from the Czech mines at Jáchymov anyway) being mixed with U238 and thus „de-enriched“ into nuclear fuel for power generation. This also allowed Poland to finally open its own nuclear power station and close down the controversial Turów coal mine, no longer depriving the northernmost parts of Czechia of ground water. The other half of the nuclear weapons was given to Ukraine, as it only lost its nuclear arsenal as a result of the Budapest Memorandum which nobody gave a sh*t about after signing it, so Ukraine deserved to get its weapons back.

Russia was shocked by the events, but could not do anything about the situation. As the „referendum“ conducted in Königsberg followed the exact same rules as their own referendums conducted in Kherson, Zaporyzhia, Donetsk and Luhansk, they had to consider it valid, otherwise they would openly admit their annexation of these territories wasn’t justified.

After the non-violent liberation of Königsberg, many countries followed the example, with Sweden and Finland announcing a referendum on the independence of Saint Petersburg, as it was originally a Nordic fortress called Nyenskans, China finally getting some territories in Manchuria it has wanted for a long time, and the Japanese finally getting back all the Kuril islands. Russia was only lucky the Mongols did not bother to announce a referendum as well, considering the immense size the Mongol Empire reached under the rule of Djenghis Khan…

Jokes aside, the atrocities that the Russian regime continues to conduct in Ukraine are horrendous. Moreover, more and more regular Russians are becoming a victim of the war orchestrated by the maniacal ruling class as well (although, to be fair, many of those who are now fleeing mobilization were probably waving flags with Zs and shouting something about killing "Ukronazis" just a few weeks back, and I somehow fail to feel sorry for them specifically). If you want to help the cause, visit THIS POST where you can find out how you can support Ukraine, I am sure your help will be welcome!