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MinorKey — Harry
Published: 2005-08-25 05:34:08 +0000 UTC; Views: 1156; Favourites: 5; Downloads: 73
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The way we seeMy name is Johnny and Harry was my brother but he shot himself the big stupid bastard. He was in one of his rages and found the bloody key. They don’t believe me though so they want me to write what I remember. I don't know why they call themselves the authorities which I heard meant they was in charge cos them bloody ignorant officials say they can't find no record of Harry but they couldn't find a freakin rat in a sewer if it bit them in the arse which it wouldn’t cos it's got more sense.
Well I'm not going to forget that day am I? I was at home looking after Mam who can't walk much and Maggie who had just come in after school a bit later than usual She was like a little sister to me her Mam got killed They said it was accidental the soldiers was scared and shot her by mistake Well if that's true there's lots of mistakes happen nearly every week around here but there's no tv crews no more and nobody gives a shit. We give Maggie a home cos her Mam was close to my Mam and she had nowhere else to go.
Where are you Johnny you lump of piss yells my Mam get in here so I take the pan off the gas and turn it off cos we don’t have much and I haven’t stealed none more yet.
What I says My Mam is a freakin huge lump not me She’s got something wrong with her legs they’re bloated like that stiff I saw them pull out the river the other day only it was all white and Mam's legs are streaked with purple like a map of wet ink.
Where's them bruises on Maggie's arms come from Johnny you seen anything Have them kids been playing rough says my Mam.
Maybe Must have been at the school I say Aint no one round here would dare lay a hand on her with Harry about now would they.
True true but Johnny them bruises look like fingers to me.
I looked and my Mam was right Maggie was wearing a pretty vest yellow with no sleeves and she had marks high up on both arms like someone had grabbed hold of her.
Who grabbed you Maggie I asked all gentle but she didn't say nothing just looked at the table her face all smudged with dirt and snot She was pretty when she cleaned herself up Her clothes needed washing I know but we don't have much water and the river just makes everything smell worse.
Come on child Mam says all soft which she never was to me Someone been hurting you our Harry will take care of it but Maggie just shooked her head and shrugged so my Mam shrugged too She can look out for herself and Harry will too You'll be all right dear you should scrub your face and wash your hands Johnny's getting dinner ready and I was too so I went back to the pan.
We was eating dinner when Harry come in crashing like a tank and yelling he sounded pissed with someone. Maggie jumped like she'd been scared She was staring at her food just sitting there Eat it its good stew my Johnny made for you my Mam yelled louder than Harry. She waved her stick and whacked the table making the plates bounce it wasn’t stew though it was fried canned tomatoes and other stuff and Maggie jumped again and started crying She did that a lot but she started eating too which was good.
I left my dinner to see what was the matter with Harry he was in his room making such a noise. He don’t speak too well don’t Harry and some people make fun of him and say he’s dumb but he’s not. He’s very loyal and he knows stuff even if he can’t say many words and I nearly always know what’s on his mind.
I'm a runt I don't mind who knows it I can't protect myself much nor punch them that calls Harry bad stuff, but they never do to his face they know what's good for them.
So anyways I go to his room and he's punching the plaster and there's blood on his fist Harry what's the matter I yell cos he's moaning and coughing He turns round and I think he's going to attack me his eyes are white all round and the skin is puffy and red like he's been crying too then I see the gun.
Where’d you get that freakin gun you daft git? I don't say the c- or f- word out loud not never since Mam heard me one time when I was young and catched me she dint often catch me but she told me not never to say them friggin words again they was bad words and she stuffed soap down my mouth and whacked the back of my legs with her stick till I managed to get away I don’t care much what Mam says no more but I still don’t hold with saying them words.
Harry mutters and shouts a few bits of words and I say What dead soldier and why'd you take the gun you know they come searching and if they find it they might think you done it you great dim prick I call Harry names all the time he don't mind cos I'm his bro and anyway he swears back at me he's got a foul mouth Harry but most don't know cos they can't understand him.
Give me the gun says I and Harry calls me names and knocks some more plaster off the bricks and leaves bloody marks on his wall but eventually he gives me the gun and the safety is on thank God I can see Harry's upset but I don't know why so I say come and have some dinner I'll take care of the gun but Harry tells me to get out only he uses more than two words and I shut the door quick so Mam doesn't catch what he's saying.
I hid the gun in my secret place which is a box with a key I hide under the floorboards but I'm not saying where as it's private Well I thought it was anyway I was sure Harry didn't know where it was hid and even if he did I put the key somewhere else and I guess I won't never know how Harry got it, or why he killed himself He never seemed the type to do himself in Then I went back to finish my dinner.
Maggie will you take some food to Harry He don't want to come in here just now He's in a bit of a temper I say and Maggie shakes her head no Maggie says my Mam you do as Johnny tells you there's a good girl You know Harry calms down when he sees you It's true Harry is always so gentle around kids and he gets very protective of Maggie he wouldn't harm a hair on her head Maggie shakes her head no again and gets up and runs out the room.
She's upset about something says my Mam frowning Whatever has got into her.
I don't know I'll take him some stew when I've had mine Is yours okay?
You don't cook great Johnny but you try and look after your old Mam You aint a bad son You better keep an eye on Maggie Get me some hot water and soap and I'll wash her some clothes.
Maggie was lying on her bed She could cry very silent but I could see her shoulders shaking. I crouched next to her and touched her shoulder and she leaped away from me so quick she made me jump What is it Maggie what's wrong I say concerned cos she's pressed back against the wall as far away as she can get and she's never done that before. Her eyes are red and dry and she looks at me real angry but she still don't say nothing.
Our Mam's to do some washing says I which wasn't great I know but I could see she didn't want to talk to me. You need something you come tell Johnny and now you better get changed and dump your dirty stuff out the door to wash or you know Mam she'll start yelling the place down okay? Maggie stared at me and didn't move so I left and closed the door so she could have privacy.
I get the stew steaming again and take a bowl to Harry He's lying on his bed too
staring at the ceiling He was a lot more quiet and sat up when I come in. His eyes was still real red and he wouldn't look at me just ate his food while I grabbed some of his clothes for washing I had a sudden suspicion Did you see a soldier grab our Maggie I say and he looks at me then and he's scared He shakes his head but I don't believe him You didn't kill the soldier did you? Then Harry looks at me real funny with his head on one side and he tells me to get lost and calls me a friggin fool so I shrug and leave him to it.
There was clothes outside Maggie's door Not what she was wearing but I wasn't game to disturb her again so I took them into Mam and done her some hot water I could see I wasn't going to get nothing out of Maggie or Harry so I went to the club and watched Big Jim and Old Frank play pool. That's when Harry must of got into my room and found the key and the box though how the clumsy bastard managed without breaking anything or knocking stuff over I don't know. In truth I dint think he’d have the wits. If I'd of known how much he wanted that damn gun I'd of thrown it in the river I swear.
We don't stay out so late what with the patrols and the gunfire over the river and we don't waste no power either so our place was black when I got in Everyone had gone to bed Mam was snoring and Harry was mumbling in his room when I went past which was normal I didn't think nothing of it just done my teeth by moonlight and crashed.
I come awake sweating Harry was yelling real high pitched I thought he was having a nightmare which he did sometimes That or he was having some sort of fit Sometimes he moaned and screamed when his body was doing stuff he couldn't control he'd get real angry Then I heard the gunshot My heart nearly come out of my chest it was so bloody loud but Harry squealed louder I come out of my bed so quick I fell on the floor all tangled up in my sheet I swore the f- word Mam was hollering I caught my knee a painful smack on my table then I got out my room and there's Maggie in her white gown outside Harry’s door looking like a ghost staring at me.
Get back in your room now I yell and she just stands there probably in shock at the terrible noise coming from Harry's room.
I smash into his door and it slams open His lamp is on He's sitting on the floor by his bed blood dripping between his legs He's gone and shot himself in the balls the dumb f- What you done Harry you bloody great dick I yell but he can't hear me over his own noise Then I see him reaching for the gun on the bed where he must of thrown it or dropped it His eyes are real wild and the gun shakes in his hand I duck to one side and see Maggie in the door I am so sorry I did not stop her from seeing this Harry must of seen her but he puts the gun to his head and blows his face all over the wall and I scream and Maggie closes her eyes and crumples like she's a can someone stepped on.
My guts heave then and I curl up myself and as I'm puking I hear Mam's voice in the hall She goes silent for a moment then she screams and screams and screams.
And that's it. What else can I bloody well say My brother shot himself in the balls probably by accident then killed himself probably because he couldn't take the pain The bloody stupid bastard I miss him.
* * *
They want to know if there was anything else I remember that was unusual but I've already mentioned everything I can think of Oh except for the day after I smelled something burning in Maggie's room and found ash and bits of white and yellow material I think she burned the clothes she was wearing Probably reminded her too much of Harry's death We all loved him and I'll never forget the way he went Poor bastard.
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Comments: 46
I like this voice. Don't think it's as consistent as it could be throughout though. "That stiff" and "freaking" sound too american to me, but hey.
Have you read Riddley Walker, by Russell Hoban? That's what the voice reminded me of a bit. And that's a compliment, since it's my favourite book. It's similar in that at first it's hard to read until you get used to the way it's written, and similar in that it's worth the effort.
I know the ending has to be abrupt, but it's so abrupt in that paragraph "And that's it..." that it feels almost bathetic. And I don't think that's what you wanted. Not sure the last paragraph about the burning of the dress adds enough as it stands to justify its existence as a separate section. I'd have been inclined to move it to before the 'And that's it...' paragraph.
I disagreed with loopfruit about the age thing being an issue, partly because the setup made me think of the character in Graham Swift's Waterland, where the younger or at least smaller brother looks after the older one. I dunno, anyway, it didn't bother me, it wasn't an issue.
The setting - the lack of water, need to steal stuff, the corpse in the river, the patrols, the gunfire, all very intriguing.
I'm uselessly behind with my watch, but I notice this is the most recent piece you've submitted. What's up with that?
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I can't really put my finger on what attracts me in this story. Maybe the vagueness, the whole 'think reader, think, I'm not explaining'-feel. I really like that.
But the style also really works. It sucked me in (even though I'm no native speaker) and I could easily imagine the social surroundings of the family.
I was quite quick with supposing the abuse by Harry, but I must add to that I'm a rather trained reader. From the very point where Johnny says Maggie is always protected by Harry I became suspicious. But happily, doubt remains because of the utter unawareness (willingly or not) of Johnny.
I didn't have any real trouble with long sentences or anything, I've only reread one line because it seemed weird and I can't remember which line anymore.
My favourite line definitely is this one:
The bloody stupid bastard I miss him.
In a bit of an answer to loopfruit:
I figured Harry to be the oldest, because Johnny refers to him as 'big' and clearly has some kind of adoration, not protective, because Harry knows very well how to protect himself (except from little girls with guns, but that's besides the point). Johnny, near twenty, maybe a bit older, Harry a little over twenty. Maybe it's not nearly what Minorkey intended, but it worked for me.
I also figured that whenever there are soldiers on the loose it's quite normal that people are familiar with guns, certainly if 'accidents' tend to happen.
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Thank you for taking the time to critique - I appreciate it.
Your view of Harry and Johnny, their age and relationship is close enough to my intention, and that kind of feedback is very valuable to me. I accept that some people would prefer a more specific indication, but it is also useful to know that some people had the right kind of age and relationship in mind without my making it clearer. Thanks for that
I'm also pleased to know that you managed the style as a non-native speaker without too much difficulty. While I have left out a great deal of punctuation, there are clues in the grammar, and in the capitalisation of words, that should clarify intention without too much work on the readers part. I think a style like this might work better in a longer story, but it was more of an experiment for me, and it seemed to suit the nature of the story.
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This was such an effort to read, this style, but definitely worth it, kind of like when I tried reading the Iliad, but I suppose they're pretty much polar opposites 
I think you did really well with this, must've been quite a mish to keep up that style. You did well - sometimes when I read, I can hear the voice behind it, & this guy, oh man, I just wanted to put my hands on his shoulders & yell SLOW DOWN, verbal diarrhoea is a character flaw.
From what I've read of the other comments, I seem to have got the measure of this story fine, but the vagueness is a good feature.
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thanks for the comment. I appreciate your thoughts.
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I suppose this can be considered meta-fiction to a degree, right?
I'm not sure what to say without reiterating what was already said.
It was great; I suprised myself at how quickly I breezed through that big piece. The informal grammar usage really helped, strangely. The voice was strong.
A few things, though. Some places had the sentence run on too long and some pieces of dialogue were more difficult to understand because they weren't attributed properly. Also, some slang was a bit too informal ("cos" is an alphabetical contraction of "cause" and not a phonetic contraction, so I think that counts as a spelling error
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Hey 
Um, nope. Metafiction is fiction that is aware it is fiction - narrative that talks about narrative and writing. My piece 'the kidnapping' is metafiction - the writer is part of the story. This one is a straight story, with the exception of my use of unconventional grammar, which is a device, yes, but not meta.
Thanks for the heads-up about 'cos'. I missed that. D'oh!
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You've sacrificed readability for effect. It's a risky decision because reading is the only way to experience the story.
Be kind to your readers. The run-together sentence-thoughts, while they do establish the character's voice, make for difficult reading.
Keep some of the run-togethers for effect but insert punctuation at critical points. The characters' actions and the setting serve the same purpose as the missing punctuation with less confusion.
Fiction is better than reality because you can bend the rules to suit your purposes.
The general age of the main character was unclear. At times he seemed older, at times younger. A passing reference to his age would add depth. The character is home watching his mother. Should he have been somewhere else? Is he a twenty-something unemployed ? Older ? Each age casts the character's actions in a different light.
Which brother is younger? Brothers have a tendency to think of each other in terms of their age. An older brother will often feel protective of the younger. Younger brothers will often feel admiration for the older. Their ages need to be defined enough to establish a context for their actions.
At the point in the story where Johnny takes the gun from Harry, the first thing Johnny notices is that the safety is on. That's the observation of someone who is intimately familiar with guns. The fact that he keeps the gun instead of wanting to get rid of it says the same thing. It might be due to my confusion about Johnny's age, but this feels slightly off. You might want to hint at a background ( preferably in the beginning of the story ) that allows for some experience with guns. " bloated like that stiff " and " watched Big Jim and Old Mike play pool " sounds sort of gangstery but the character is watching and not taking part in these things so he could have any relation to them.
The piece is well done overall. The title works fine. The events are made clear to the reader while still remaining plausibly hidden from Johnny. I really liked the last paragraph and the brother's continued misinterpretation of events.
I'm undecided about the character's voice. It is distinctive, but it seemed a bit excessive at times, almost an affectation. Is it based on experience ? I always feel like I've entered a movie set when I meet people who actually speak this way.
Can't think of much else to say. Your pieces always have a professional feel to them. If you're not on the library shelf, no doubt you will be.
Best regards,
Loop
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Thank you sir. You have pointed to a few areas that definitely need attention. I know little about guns myself - perhaps only enough to know that what I see in action movies is often rather badly portrayed, but not enough to know exactly why.
I also take your point about the brothers and their ages/relationship to each other and their mother.
As for place, I wanted to keep that abstract - I really didn't want a real-world setting, as that would introduce politics and other issues that I felt would have congested the story quite considerably. But there are plenty of places in the world where kids in certain slum areas would grow up well aware of guns and sides, from the troubles in Ireland to various areas in the middle East. I do take your perception of 'gangstery' on board, however in my experience regulars in clubs and pubs do often have simple nicknames that are not always said to their face - and the influence of movies on some language is quite pervasive. I accept that I may have overdone that.
The voice itself is not based directly on any one accent, however I worked with ex-cons when I drove for a removal company in the UK, and I've also driven around London for some years - there are many accents in the UK, and the kind of class distinction inherent in this sort of speech is often a badge of pride. As such, it is often overdone or excessive in some situations.
Finally, I will admit that the idea for both the lack of grammar and the style of the voice (in part) have been done before, and by better writers than me. If you're interested in reading an exceptional work that deliberately plays with voice in much the same way, I recommend 'True history of the Kelly Gang' by Peter Carey.
Thanks again for taking the time to read and critique. I really appreciate it.
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Self-Correction - chaos*
Haha. OCD; you probably identify.
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Did you have Johnny try to write with good grammar sometimes?
"I can't protect myself much nor punch them that calls Harry bad stuff"
"Nor" = good
"punch them" = good
"that calls" = bad
I'm impressed that he wrote "they're" instead of the usual mistake "their".
The only two words that didn't seem to work with his English were "shooked" and "material." I've never heard "shooked" in conversation even from people with horrible grammar. "Material" is a big word for Johnny.
Thought: If you could think of clever ways of running together sentences in the climax to give it a chaotic feel (so that people at first read only get a jumbled image of people and words flying around), that might be cool. Maybe you could build the chaoticness up until the mess of the climax.
That would probably sacrifice authenticity, meaning it would be less believable that a person recalling vivid images would get thoughts confused, especially the ones most etched onto his mind.
To be honest, the story in this form needs little improvement, if you decide not to re-write anything.
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Johnny is a native speaker of English. As such, his 'grammar' is both good at times (because such usage comes naturally to him - natives do not have to be taught how to speak by a school) and bad (because there are socially more presitgious dialects to which Johnny does not have access).
I chose to lose the punctuation and to write in a simplified grammatical dialect partially mimicking speech. I wanted to give the impression of a young man with little education, but I also wanted to make the thing readable. Just as no writer ever really uses real speech characteristics within speechmarks, neither did I want to use phonetic spellings or misspellings as that would detract from readability.
I appreciate my experimentation may not have been entirely successful, but the grammar issues you point out are non-issues for the above reason.
Personally, I have heard 'shooked' used in speech, and I don't believe 'material' to be an uncommon word, however I'm certainly willing to consider that kind of suggestion, especially if I get it from more than one source.
Thanks for the comment, it is appreciated.
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Yeah, like I said, nitpicking, I found no real changes to make, so two thumbs up.
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*breathes*
Wow, this is the first time I come across something as moving as this in a long, long time. In all seriousness.
Firstly, I love the rough kind of speech and grammar; and the way the sentences all run into each other. Acutely reminded me of my own thoughts; where everything just blends and tumbles around aimlessly, yet in the end you still get some kind of product.
It's funny (in a strangely intriguing way) how, as humans, sometimes we just block the things that hurt us most. No; I'm not really talking about denial here. Maybe it's just some kind of instinct, but our mind refuses to acknowledge it all.
*pauses a bit*
That still sounds like denial.
I really can't think up a way right now to portray it otherwise; but, just.. meh, not denial. Something uniquely different.
Lines like this one, "The bloody stupid bastard I miss him", I liked. Much.
It shows a different kind of love to the mushy stuff we see on television.
Shows that love can exist in more forms than one.
Well; that's about it from me right now.
Back off to re-re-re-read this.
Glad to have had the opportunity to have come across work like this,
~*Katie
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Damn.
I would maybe add a dot. Not had a dot. That H took all my credibility away.
Forgive all other stupid mistakes and blame them on jet lag. Please. Thanks. 'night
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Ok, I'll try not to make a comment as long as the one on The Kidnapping.
I like the way it's written, you did a great job using voice and style and it makes the piece really interesting, being quite out of the ordinary. There's only one thing that sometimes confused me a lot, having to re-read some paragraphs of few times to figure out a meaning : the punctation. It suits the writing well to almost completely remove it, but it does make it hard to find where sentences start or end, or whether they are a statement or a question or else.
The first paragraph that annoyed me was "Where's them bruises on Maggie's arms come from Johnny you seen anything Have them kids been playing rough says my Mam". I got really confused there (although I have to specify that English is not my mother tongue which might play a part). I read the paragraph three or four times and figured where the questions were in the end. I would have suggested to write it "Where's them bruises on Maggie's arms come from Johnny you seen anything ? Have them kids been playing rough says my Mam", which doesn't really goes well with the idea you are experimenting but which would have prevented re-reading the paragraph four times (something that could annoy readers I guess). I say I would have suggested it, because I'm not sure it's worth doing as, in my confusion and having NO IDEA what the story was gonna be (I hadn't even read the comments about building up walls at that point) this paragraph gave me the distinct feeling that Maggie had been abused. I have no idea why, but it did give me a hint, which I then dismissed when I understood where the questions where. So it might actually be good to keep it confused. Don't know.
I would maybe had a dot in "whacked the table making the plates bounce. It wasn't stew though"
Another one in "when I was young and catched me. She dint oftent"
And a last one with a comma in "Maggie shakes her head no. Maggie says my Mam, you do as Johnny"
In "just done my teeth by moonlight and crashed", crashed feels weird to hear in Johnny's voice (but then again, English is not my mother tongue and you may well know better)
Finally, I wonder what the very last paragraph adds to the story. It's not out of line, but I wondered why it was there. I'm still not convinced, it feels more like an unnecessary add-on, a second thought you may have about cutting it short before this paragraph. I would have stopped at "The bloody bastard I miss him" which is much more striking and leaves the fact that Harry abused Maggie and that Johnny doesn't want to see it obvious enough.
Again it's all negative criticism but the rest is really well written, you play your own game with a style and a consistency that give a very distinct atmosphere to the story, giving a peculiar tone to a subject that is not easy to bring forward with both a respectful and an interesting side
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Thank you again for the critique. I really do appreciate it.
Generally, I chose not to add punctuation and, while you've pointed at your own reaction to it (which is of course perfectly valid), my problem with adding any more periods is that the style will become disjointed. That said, I may well add the questionmark. You may not have noticed but even where there is no period I did usually hint at the start of a new sentence using capitalisation.
The last paragraph perhaps doesn't need to be there, but I meant it to show signs of guilt from Maggie as well as the more obvious ones of disgust/fear/hate. I also wanted to indicate that Johnny noticed this and that it is the dangling thread in his mind - the one thing that could potentially unlock the door in the walls he has built. If he doesn't question anything else, he should question Maggie burning her clothes, as it seems perhaps a bit extreme to burn the yellow top, as she isn't wearing that when Harry kills himself - she's wearing a white gown.
And then there is the question of why the gun was on the bed. Did Harry shoot himself?
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hiya minorkey,
well done! i'm trying the same experiment with my next post--a not-formally-educated narrator--it's hard to know where to stop using phonetic spellings, for sure.
i had the same dilemma as one of the other commentors--that i was hearing an american from the south, or at least a good ol' boy kind of speech pattern--and some things did not correlate with that kind of speech. of course there are other people in the world who are uneducated, but if you want it clear to the audience where this guy is from, you might wish to use some local colloquialisms (even we daft murrkans will get it if you use british equivalents--"boot" for "trunk", for example).
i find the setting most intriguing--what society do they live in that there are soldiers like loose cannons? i'm guessing post-apocalyptic somewhere... i like the way you handle that, that you imply it w/o stating the history directly. and the circumstances of Harry's maiming and suicide are also handled nicely, that indirectness.
i guess the only thing i'd like to see added in some equally sneaky and indirect fashion is the consequence for the narrator--he clearly doesn't want to consciously acknowledge what happened to his bro and what his bro did to maggie--but these things tend to reverberate in the psyche nonetheless, and some hint of the psychological aftermath for the narrator would be delicious.
on the whole, tho, great piece! i'll keep my fingers crossed for the new yorker thing. i might have to send something of my own, i'd really like one of those embossed rejection slips
bravo!
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I deliberately kept obvious references to place out of this, partly because I didn't want the extra associations that would go with any of the countries where soldiers might be in this position (eastern Europe, parts of former ussr, middle east etc.), partly because I didn't have a specific place in mind. I'm not sure if I was entirely successful with that given that you and others are reading a specific accent into Johnny's speech.
I did wonder about some kind of addendum regarding Johnny's dealing with the aftermath. I'll have to think some more about that before I submit again. The NY emailed me a rejection note, so no embossing for me
as for phonetic spellings, I tend to avoid them except in speechmarks where I want to suggest a specific accent. I avoided punctuation here and used phrases and grammar errors deliberately. I'm not sure what I'd think about reading something with a lot of phonetic spellings. I'll be interested to see what you come up with.
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well, i think people imagine locally, ya know--if you wrote a story about snooty people, i'd think connecticut, maine, etc. and then i'd hope that you'd make something horrible happen to them in the story
sorry to hear the noo yawka emailed the rejection note. i think the idea with rejection notices is to get enough of them to paper the walls, makes for good insulation.
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Telling the story through a police report (at first, I thought they were asking Johnny to write down his confession) was a really good pick. Very original way of narrating something in the first person. And the lack of correct grammar served well to show the character's indigence. Much more effective than describing the enviromment with details or using only his speech.
Many thoughts crossed my mind, as I tried to decipher the whole story. The most consistent of which was that Maggie was the one to shoot Harry. But I still think that isn't exact. Guess I'll have to give it some more thought... :Sherlock:
Good job!
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I've deliberately left vague what actually happened. I'd have to look back at the comments on this piece to see whether anyone else actually came to that conclusion, which is correct - that is what I had in mind. Maggie knew where Johnny's hiding place was, something Harry could never have figured out for himself.
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But, still, what was her motive, exactly?
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Harry liked children. In some ways he was still one himself, not that Maggie would have understood that. He molested her.
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Oh, that's what I'd thought.
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*I meant "my addiction to... was useful"
That's what you get you don't preview your comments...
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This is a very powerful piece; you've got the rough hewn style of a first person narrator who has seen a lot of hardship and tragedy, and yet comes across as a survivor. I think the title is perfect: short punchy titles are more effective than long ones.
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This is so poignant. I also loved "crumples like she's a can someone stepped on." You do a very good job of letting us know what happened (Harry's abuse of Maggie) without the narrator telling us. At times the "voice" seemed over-the-top to me, but that's probably because I'm American. I was hearing it in an American Southern accent most of the time, since that's our "uneducated" stamp.
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an American southern accent? ew. yeah, definitely not what I had in mind
(I'll have fun baiting my southern American friend here in China with that useful piece of trivia
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One of my co-workers has a Louisiana boyfriend, and it grates on her nerves that whenever you need to suggest that fictional character isn't too quick, all you have to do is add a hillbilly Southern accent.
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Well - I didn't enjoy it at all, because you sliced me up and prodded all the secret bits I hide and it has taken two hours of balcony to restore enough equilibrium to take a walk. Therefore, I think it is very well written, black prose. Anais Nin couldn't make me feel any worse.
And she published. Go for it.
Only other comment is the term"daft git" - I thought from northern England ...
But no place or time, only the experience is very real
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sorry Julia. I should have warned you.
Thanks for the comment though. I do appreciate it.
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There are a very very few spots, five or less, where you seemed to slip a little out of the narrator's voice, but mostly it was well done. Reading this was kind of like reading one of =alienhead 's stories, in that the characters and their situation make me cringe a little, but you write it so well that I can't help but read it and enjoy the experience.
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I like Todd's stuff, so that's a compliment
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Now that I look again I actually can't find the places. I know I meant it at the time, but unless somebody who's better at critique than me (not sure how good I am at this; it seems to vary) comes along and makes the same point with examples I wouldn't worry about it.
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You know, you CAN just hide it using the convenient Gallery Storage tools accessed through your message center. One click, it's hidden, and ready to spring to life again should the magazine NOT accept stories of the highest caliber.
[link]
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oh.
that hadn't occurred to me. I might do that then.
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I like it. You did succeed in telling the story the narrator can't bring himself to think of -- why Harry shot himself in the balls first, why Maggie won't answer, the incest-rape and Harry's reaction is tragic, bitter, vividly real. Well told in what's left out.
I loved this line:
...Maggie closes her eyes and crumples like a can someone's stepped on.
It's all run together with the event, conveying simultaneity, but the same might be accomplished in short choppy sentences like the shots themselves. Fine point, that, and only because Maggie's reaction is so complete in itself.
Well written. I think this one would make a good submission to The New Yorker, with a very careful polish in order to keep the narrator's mistakes of ignorance -- yet tighten the prose slightly. That line stands out as a little gem. Oh heck, submit it. The New Yorker pays a huge amount of money, it loves stories that are complex and grim and clever techniques like telling it between the lines. They also send out the prettiest rejection slips I've ever gotten -- little tiny printed cards on heavy creamy expensive stock with a little embossed logo and fancy lettering offset printed, phrased so that you feel like a Pulitzer prizewinner being gently apologized to because your piece had to give way to something else and genuinely encouraging you to submit again. It was a real pick-me-up when I got one and as soon as I get a book sold, I'll do something dark and collect another one, since I lost it in a move.
Basically I don't think I'm a good enough editor to tighten this, but a topnotch one like at The New Yorker could give it the last little tweaks. That's all it needs. Send it off. If they don't want it, look for other high paying mainstream-literary markets and work your way down till it sticks.
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I looked into the New Yorker. And decided what the heck. You can submit by email. So I've taken it off this site (after a period of less than a couple of hours I think) and duly submitted it.
I'm feeling like that was probably an utterly crazy thing to do. Oh well, it's done now. I asume my rejection slip will be emailed
I just hope submitting here for editing and comments isn't construed as previous publishing.
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Oh they send nice print rejection slips. You ought to mail them a SASE for it, it's a really nice collectible one. Hmm. Mention it only if they ask?
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you picked my favourite line
I really need the push to submit. Perhaps I will.
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Go for it. This is too cool. hehehe.
Besides, The New Yorker is so far out of anyone's reach that if they take it, this is like winning the Lottery, if they don't you shot so high you know it'll stick somewhere else. It's always good for morale when I submit to them. They pay so much that major famous multipublished prizewinners collect those classy little rejection slips -- but they make a point of encouraging new writers and devote an issue a year to stories from new writers. That shoehorns you a bigger chance of getting in than you'll have when you're more published. Keep pounding that door till they send you money.
I was doing that at the shelter, tried to always have something on their desk.
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