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Puddathere [2014-12-18 03:03:05 +0000 UTC]

Panel 3: *Haven't, None of this "would've" "happened." (sounds better), *My
Panel 4: He's not strong as "the" other bots or He's not strong like the others, I don't want to say "it"
Panel 6: He thinks somethings ---> He thinks of some things or He's thinking of something (this one sounds better)
Panel 8: Lower case "s"

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IsaliShade [2014-12-06 22:11:36 +0000 UTC]

Nice comic. I really like the lightning of this page, you really captured the warmth in the fire.
The grammar however.. allow me to correct it for you

"Everything happened so quickly" Personally I would prefer using the word fast instead of quickly but both work.

"If I haven't found the blue thing... None of this would be that way." The whole phrase should be looking like this: "If I hadn't found the/that blue thing none of this would've happened." I'll give you an explanation why:
  Since the "blue thing incident" already happened it's supposed to be "hadn't". If you write "haven't" it's like something didn't happen as in "it never happened" but here it actually did happen and she regrets. Look at these two sentences, they might give you a hint of what I'm talking about:  "I haven't been there yet."  "I hadn't been there before we arrived."  Do you see?
(It works a little different without the "not":  "I have a dog."  "I had a dog.")
  Next up: the/that. Reason I added "that" is that it's a possible word to use here. While using "that" you refer to one specific blue thing, although using "the" works perfectly fine here.
  The dots aren't necessary here. They could be there to add her uncertainty in the situation, however put yourself in her situation. Would you hesitate in thinking or saying that? I'm not saying you must remove them, but you could without affecting the story or atmosphere.
  "None of this would be in that way" is a rather awkward sentence to be honest. We understand what you mean but the phrase in that messes it up. Let me explain why: That is a word to point out something specific. Like "That's my cat." or "That won't happen.". You always refer to something. Perhaps you think something like "but she is referring to a certain situation" but she isn't. Or well.. in a way she is but she's in the middle of it right?
When putting in and that together it's more like pinpointing a direction: "In that direction."
I would choose to replace it with "none of this would've happened". And... yeah, I don't need to explain this.

"He's not even cool. He's so" Add dots after: "He's so..." That makes it feel like she's searching for words.

"He's not strong as other bots I've seen at their base." Works well, but if I'll be picky... "He's not as strong as the other bots I saw at their base." Putting the "as strong as the other bots" makes her compare him to the other ones she saw and again with the "the" she would be referring to the specific bots she saw and not some random bots.
  Off-topic but I gotta ask: she never saw him in combat did she? Or team Prime? How does she know he's weak?

"Why did he see himself as my guardian?"  Hm, perhaps "assign" or "name"?  "Why did he assign himself as my guardian?"/"Why did he name himself my guardian?" 

"I don't want to say but he must know my worries."  Should be something like: "I don't want to ask, but he should know I'm worried." or "I don't want to say anything but heshould know I'm worried."  or  "I don't want to tell but heshould know I'm worried."  Getting harder to explain now... Let me know if you want me to explain this and I'll try writing it down.

"Maybe I mustn't say that." Should be:  "Maybe I shouldn't ask/say anything."  Whether it's "ask" or "say anything" depends on which of them you chose above in your previous speechbubble.

"He thinks somethings." I'd wirte: "He thinks of something."  Writing "he thinks something" (no "s" at the end of something... never just an "s" after "something.. you can write "something's" which is the same thing as "something is" but never "somethings" in that case it's "some things") is simply a grammar fault that's very common in more than this place. When uncomfortable with the language you easily forget those small words like "of", "in", "at", etc.

"but still I'll tell him that in spite of everything"  It's a rather nice one, but it's the "that" that bugs me again (bugs, you get it? hahaha, that's not funny at all...) I think you could just remove it really. Writing "I'll tell him that" is something I refer to as the common taunt in books, series and comics: "Oh no not that."  "We'll have to use that."  But since you aren't taunting us here and we already learnt this page what this is all about you don't have to make it more obvious that she'll tell him about that specific thing. Just... Yeah, just tell him. We know what's on your mind girl.

Lastly: "N-NANOCLICK !!"  Girl! Why are you shouting? If you want her to shout then you should have made her call his name before a little more quietly. Like just a normal "Nanoclick?" followed by a "Hey, Nanoclick?" then "NANOCLICK!". But since it seems rather quiet around them and she stated earlier that he's small there's no need for her to shout unless he ignores/doesn't hear her the first 2-3 times.

Gosh, this is long... Sorry about that but I thought rather than just tell you "this should be like this" I figured I'd try teach you a little along the way. But... I didn't plan it to be like a short story... I hope it's helpful. If you wonder anything just ask. Oh! One more thing:
You tend to write "By the way" when changing place. The word you're looking for is "Meanwhile". "By the way" is like... "Hey, by the way, I forgot to tell you something." or "Bla bla bla bla bla... Oh and by the way, mom wanted to talk to you." It's like you just get to think of something and change the subject.

There... Now I'm done bombing you with text. Keep the work up!

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BTFly009 [2014-08-12 20:33:42 +0000 UTC]

Great light effects!     8D  

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