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Description
Folder with all parts and extra art: paardjee.deviantart.com/galler…
Previous part: Coming Clean
Next part: Not yet.

So I agreed to go home with Strike. In the moment it seemed like the only option. Strike was so sad and I could finally do something for him in return. Apart from that I had been really scared for him to leave. So of course I agreed. But now that we were on our way I was having some doubts. What had I been thinking? Coming to his herd. Having to meet his friends. His mother. His grieving mother. How was I supposed to act in such a situation? I barely knew how to act around Strike on a normal day.

We'd slept out on the clearing that night, too worn out to make the travel down the mountain. Physically and emotionally. We took it slow that morning. Talking to each other was both a bit awkward and yet also easier than before we both came clean. Well I still had parts coming clean to get to but it was the most open I had ever been before. Now that I had gotten over the hardest part and that Strike finally wasn't keeping anything behind, it was like the hurdle was simply a bit lower. Not gone. But definitely less daunting. He had asked me if I was really sure of coming with him and I had confirmed it once more. Even if I didn't know how exactly I could improve the situation.

We were a day out now. Only a few days of travel before us. I noticed Strike was quieter than before. In the spirit of trying to do something back I did something I didn't usually do; Start a conversation.                "If it's okay with you, will you tell me about your dad?" I asked, hoping not to be disrespectful. I thought he might want to talk about the good times, seeing as he had had a good relationship with his father. Strike looked up, surprised. Unsure at first but then a smile crept on his face.
                "Yes, I would like that," he said and closed his eyes for a bit. "My dad was a tall stallion, towered over me even when I reached my full height. He was the kindest man I've ever known. Not just to me but to everyone around him. He was always there for me. He laughed with me and he gave me advice when I needed it, even if I was too stubborn to take it." He didn't look at me as he spoke. His eyes looked far away but there was still that smile on his lips. It was hard for me to imagine being so close to someone. To like someone so much. The only person I liked was Strike.
                "You must miss him a lot."
                "I do."
It was quiet for a while. I tried to figure out whether or not to ask any more questions. I decided to be brave and go for it.
                "What did you do together?" I asked, catching his eyes.
                "Everything! I inherited my energy from my dad. We would go on adventures together. Finding new places. Climbing terrain that wasn't exactly fit for horses but that couldn't stop us," his eyes lit up when he spoke.
I couldn't help but smile a bit myself as he spoke so warmly of his father. But then his smile fell.
                "I guess we won't be having any adventures again," his voice wobbled slightly and his pace slowed.
My heart wrenched in my chest. Maybe I shouldn't have asked about his father.
                "I'm sorry," I said softly.
Silence. Then a sigh.
                "No it's okay. Thank you for asking about him. I've been avoiding it long enough. Even though it hurts it also feels good to talk about him."
My decision to be brave and to be there for Strike made me move towards him and nudge his shoulder with my nose. It was the first time for me to initiate physical contact. I felt Strike tensing up, realizing what I was doing. His instinct was to put his head over my neck but thankfully he caught himself. Even this small touch was already triggering smells and sounds from my stepdad but I stood my ground.
                "He sounds like a really good dad", I told him and I pulled my head back to look him in his eyes. For a short time, my bravery could only go so far.
                "He is," he said and I think the present tense was intentional.

We walked on. At first in silence but after a while the less heavy conversations started again. Even though Strike already showed me a lot of beautiful sights, the places we saw on the way back to his herd were also beautiful. We passed rivers and rolling hills. Densely packed forests and fields full of flowers. Strike could name some of the flowers and what they might be used for. There wasn't much I could teach him in return but I enjoyed listening to him just as well. He told me more about his adventures with his father. Jokes they made and important moments they'd shared together. It made me feel sad for him that he had to miss all that now. And somewhere deep down it made me feel a little bit jealous. At least he had had a father that loved him. I tried not to think like that but it was hard not to make the comparison.

When we settled down for the night he walked up to me. We'd found a nice patch of soft grass under the protection of some low hanging branches.
                "How are you holding up?" he asked me and I knew it was about my meltdowns from a few days ago.
                "I'm doing better", I told him.
He cocked an eyebrow.
                "No really, I feel like telling you changed something. It's not gone but it's not as heavy as it was before. I never thought talking about it would help but I think I was wrong."
                "I guess we both learned that lesson," he said with the hint of a grin. "Can you tell me a little more about what you experience? You told me you have nightmares and flashbacks."
I hesitated. My brain immediately regretting telling him anything at all. But I realized that was just how my brain thought it was protecting me.
                "Certain actions or smells or really anything can trigger flashbacks. Sometimes I see my stepdad, often I can smell or hear him. In my nightmares it's mostly reliving what actually happened but also other scenario's, it's not always logical but it always leaves me feeling unsafe," I told him. I never felt safe. Always alert. Somehow still scared my stepdad will actually show up. But I wasn't ready to tell him everything. Just saying this was already difficult to get through.
                "That sounds terrifying and exhausting."
                "That's pretty accurate."
I could see him mulling it over in his head. I could almost hear him thinking of how he could help me. He was pretty predictable that way. He was already helping me by just being here. Did he know that? Had I told him that? I was scared to tell him.
                "Would it help if I slept closer to you? Or would that make it worse?" he asked.
I honestly didn't know. Having him close was still scary to me. But also strangely reassuring.
                "I'm not sure if I'm ready for that."
                "But thank you for wanting to help," I added.
                "Thank you for sharing that with me. I know you don't like to talk about it," he said gently and that actually made me feel a little proud of myself. For being able to share more. However it was also tiring. I yawned and lay down on the soft grass. Strike lay down as well, the same distance he always slept from me.
                "I think that's enough for today. Good night Shimi,", he said as he looked at me and then rested his head on his front legs.
                "Good night," I replied as I got comfortable. Falling asleep was easier that night. The nightmares were still there though, waking me up several times throughout the night. I noticed Strike was closer to me in the early morning. Making me wonder if I had sub consciously moved closer to him after my nightmares. Maybe having him near me did help?

To be continued~

New Shimi part! The drawing turned out a little more romantic that intended but I do like the look of it c: I really had to force myself to get back into writing and drawing but it worked. I am actually determined to draw more frequently and make progress with my stories. I do need to rewrite Shimi's story a bit though. Some things that happened in the beginning are not canon anymore. I'm still debating on whether to first rewrite and then continue from here or to continue first and simply stating the changes I have made. Rewriting would be quite challenging and time consuming. But the end result would be a lot more logical. I'll ponder on it some more xD

Anywho I am really liking coming to this part of the story. Personal growth all around for both my boys <3

Shim, Strike, story & art: Me Paardjee
Pose reference: Google Image.

Description
Folder with all parts and extra art: paardjee.deviantart.com/galler…
Previous part: Coming Clean
Next part: Not yet.

So I agreed to go home with Strike. In the moment it seemed like the only option. Strike was so sad and I could finally do something for him in return. Apart from that I had been really scared for him to leave. So of course I agreed. But now that we were on our way I was having some doubts. What had I been thinking? Coming to his herd. Having to meet his friends. His mother. His grieving mother. How was I supposed to act in such a situation? I barely knew how to act around Strike on a normal day.

We'd slept out on the clearing that night, too worn out to make the travel down the mountain. Physically and emotionally. We took it slow that morning. Talking to each other was both a bit awkward and yet also easier than before we both came clean. Well I still had parts coming clean to get to but it was the most open I had ever been before. Now that I had gotten over the hardest part and that Strike finally wasn't keeping anything behind, it was like the hurdle was simply a bit lower. Not gone. But definitely less daunting. He had asked me if I was really sure of coming with him and I had confirmed it once more. Even if I didn't know how exactly I could improve the situation.

We were a day out now. Only a few days of travel before us. I noticed Strike was quieter than before. In the spirit of trying to do something back I did something I didn't usually do; Start a conversation.                "If it's okay with you, will you tell me about your dad?" I asked, hoping not to be disrespectful. I thought he might want to talk about the good times, seeing as he had had a good relationship with his father. Strike looked up, surprised. Unsure at first but then a smile crept on his face.
                "Yes, I would like that," he said and closed his eyes for a bit. "My dad was a tall stallion, towered over me even when I reached my full height. He was the kindest man I've ever known. Not just to me but to everyone around him. He was always there for me. He laughed with me and he gave me advice when I needed it, even if I was too stubborn to take it." He didn't look at me as he spoke. His eyes looked far away but there was still that smile on his lips. It was hard for me to imagine being so close to someone. To like someone so much. The only person I liked was Strike.
                "You must miss him a lot."
                "I do."
It was quiet for a while. I tried to figure out whether or not to ask any more questions. I decided to be brave and go for it.
                "What did you do together?" I asked, catching his eyes.
                "Everything! I inherited my energy from my dad. We would go on adventures together. Finding new places. Climbing terrain that wasn't exactly fit for horses but that couldn't stop us," his eyes lit up when he spoke.
I couldn't help but smile a bit myself as he spoke so warmly of his father. But then his smile fell.
                "I guess we won't be having any adventures again," his voice wobbled slightly and his pace slowed.
My heart wrenched in my chest. Maybe I shouldn't have asked about his father.
                "I'm sorry," I said softly.
Silence. Then a sigh.
                "No it's okay. Thank you for asking about him. I've been avoiding it long enough. Even though it hurts it also feels good to talk about him."
My decision to be brave and to be there for Strike made me move towards him and nudge his shoulder with my nose. It was the first time for me to initiate physical contact. I felt Strike tensing up, realizing what I was doing. His instinct was to put his head over my neck but thankfully he caught himself. Even this small touch was already triggering smells and sounds from my stepdad but I stood my ground.
                "He sounds like a really good dad", I told him and I pulled my head back to look him in his eyes. For a short time, my bravery could only go so far.
                "He is," he said and I think the present tense was intentional.

We walked on. At first in silence but after a while the less heavy conversations started again. Even though Strike already showed me a lot of beautiful sights, the places we saw on the way back to his herd were also beautiful. We passed rivers and rolling hills. Densely packed forests and fields full of flowers. Strike could name some of the flowers and what they might be used for. There wasn't much I could teach him in return but I enjoyed listening to him just as well. He told me more about his adventures with his father. Jokes they made and important moments they'd shared together. It made me feel sad for him that he had to miss all that now. And somewhere deep down it made me feel a little bit jealous. At least he had had a father that loved him. I tried not to think like that but it was hard not to make the comparison.

When we settled down for the night he walked up to me. We'd found a nice patch of soft grass under the protection of some low hanging branches.
                "How are you holding up?" he asked me and I knew it was about my meltdowns from a few days ago.
                "I'm doing better", I told him.
He cocked an eyebrow.
                "No really, I feel like telling you changed something. It's not gone but it's not as heavy as it was before. I never thought talking about it would help but I think I was wrong."
                "I guess we both learned that lesson," he said with the hint of a grin. "Can you tell me a little more about what you experience? You told me you have nightmares and flashbacks."
I hesitated. My brain immediately regretting telling him anything at all. But I realized that was just how my brain thought it was protecting me.
                "Certain actions or smells or really anything can trigger flashbacks. Sometimes I see my stepdad, often I can smell or hear him. In my nightmares it's mostly reliving what actually happened but also other scenario's, it's not always logical but it always leaves me feeling unsafe," I told him. I never felt safe. Always alert. Somehow still scared my stepdad will actually show up. But I wasn't ready to tell him everything. Just saying this was already difficult to get through.
                "That sounds terrifying and exhausting."
                "That's pretty accurate."
I could see him mulling it over in his head. I could almost hear him thinking of how he could help me. He was pretty predictable that way. He was already helping me by just being here. Did he know that? Had I told him that? I was scared to tell him.
                "Would it help if I slept closer to you? Or would that make it worse?" he asked.
I honestly didn't know. Having him close was still scary to me. But also strangely reassuring.
                "I'm not sure if I'm ready for that."
                "But thank you for wanting to help," I added.
                "Thank you for sharing that with me. I know you don't like to talk about it," he said gently and that actually made me feel a little proud of myself. For being able to share more. However it was also tiring. I yawned and lay down on the soft grass. Strike lay down as well, the same distance he always slept from me.
                "I think that's enough for today. Good night Shimi,", he said as he looked at me and then rested his head on his front legs.
                "Good night," I replied as I got comfortable. Falling asleep was easier that night. The nightmares were still there though, waking me up several times throughout the night. I noticed Strike was closer to me in the early morning. Making me wonder if I had sub consciously moved closer to him after my nightmares. Maybe having him near me did help?

To be continued~

New Shimi part! The drawing turned out a little more romantic that intended but I do like the look of it c: I really had to force myself to get back into writing and drawing but it worked. I am actually determined to draw more frequently and make progress with my stories. I do need to rewrite Shimi's story a bit though. Some things that happened in the beginning are not canon anymore. I'm still debating on whether to first rewrite and then continue from here or to continue first and simply stating the changes I have made. Rewriting would be quite challenging and time consuming. But the end result would be a lot more logical. I'll ponder on it some more xD

Anywho I am really liking coming to this part of the story. Personal growth all around for both my boys <3

Shim, Strike, story & art: Me Paardjee
Pose reference: Google Image.