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Published: 2015-06-18 18:07:29 +0000 UTC; Views: 1049; Favourites: 57; Downloads: 0
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The ancient land of Shamayim
was wrought by El the ever-fair,
together with his favoured son,
Yeshua Gentle-Hands and their
beloved wisest counsellor:
a man called Ruach Breath-of-El.
And ne'er were three such faithful friends
and ne'er did three agree so well --
that aided one must aid them all.
Thus prospered wondrous Shamayim.
The people built a throne for El
of golden bough and silver limb
with crystal lilies trailing down,
all glowing in his brilliance.
They sang and danced and played for him
and reveled in his radiance.
Yeshua sat at his right hand
and 'twixt them oft was Ruach found.
Yet many times he wandered out
towards Shamayim's farthest bound,
to see the people of the land;
to hear their pleasures, aid their goals.
He ever brought his news to El
and to Yeshua in their roles
as judges and authorities.
Thus was Shamayim kindly ruled
by three as one, who wrought all good --
and yet one man's affection cooled.
A singer in the courts of El,
called Lucifer, for bright he shone,
was not content to live in peace:
thought life a contest to be won.
He tried to cast El from his throne,
but quickly others, seeing this,
arrested him and bound him up
'fore he destroyed Shamayim's bliss.
Then from Shamayim he was cast,
the shining one shining no more.
No, twisting like a shadow-flame
he fell to Sheol's grimy floor.
Now for a time there was yet peace.
With Ruach and Yeshua, El
designed a garden paradise.
The fruit was sweet; each animal
cavorted in its rightful place,
yet where the grass grew softest green
came fallen Lucifer's attack.
In serpent-form he could be seen
deceiving those of Shamayim
who thinking he could offer more
than what they had from mighty El
spurned Shamayim and broke its law.
They made the nation of Erets,
a lawless land of short-lived joys
and sorrows lasting for lifetimes.
For all this 'twas a land of choice.
As sorrows seared Erets' folk
they came to think of Shamayim.
Remembering the name of El,
they poured entreaties out to him.
Their misery and grief bestirred
compassion in the heart of each
of Shamayim's fair trinity.
"We must help these who so beseech,"
said Ruach through his falling tears.
El clasped his hand and bowed his head,
"It must be done, and yet -- and yet --"
"A hard task," young Yeshua said,
with tears standing in his eyes,
"But one that I will not turn down.
"We shall not yield to Lucifer
"these people who should be our own."
The three, as ever, willed as one:
Yeshua, chosen for the task,
prepared to journey to Erets
and do all Father El might ask.
And so he left his perfect home
for suffering and sickened lands.
He travelled widely, healing all
who sought Yeshua Gentle-Hands.
He blessed the children brought to him,
restored the sight of blinded eyes
and taught the law of Shamayim:
that dark must fall and light must rise.
Yeshua took the light to them,
yet Erets was a land of choice
and many would not join his cause,
preferring Lucifer's sly voice.
The children of the shadow-flame
all feared the light Yeshua brought.
Conspiracies grew rapidly:
Yeshua's banishment was wrought
and Gentle-Hands was sentenced to
imprisonment in dark Sheol.
His gentle hands were torn and scarred.
He fell, defeated: a rag doll.
The shadow-flame looked on and cheered
as darkness writhed about the form
of young Yeshua Gentle-Hands
who lay within the horror-storm.
Fair Shamayim grew dim and still
as on his throne El wept in grief
and Ruach washed the land in tears.
Yeshua's journey, all too brief,
had ended as they knew it must.
Dark Lucifer stood over him,
with whip and shackles theatening
the darling prince of Shamayim.
Yeshua twisted, cried out loud,
"Oh father, father, where are you?"
His was the strength of Shamayim
and straight to his side, Ruach flew,
for dark must fall and light must rise.
So Gentle-Hands' gold light blazed forth
and all around him shadows fled.
He rose, displaying his true worth.
The sword of light that Ruach brought
he used to rend Sheol in twain
and shattering the land itself
reclaimed all Lucifer's foul gain.
He freed the captives therein bound;
he smashed the locks and tore the chains
before returning through Erets
with all its hopes and all its pains.
So light was carried to Erets
and as it was a land of choice
that stolen by the shadow-flame
now made Shamayim's king rejoice.
Defeated, Lucifer lingered
to taunt the people of Erets
and so Ruach left Shamayim
to make known shadow-flame's old debts.
Ruach consulted East and West
for ever did he wander wide
both listening and speaking well
before returning to El's side.
He spoke of young Yeshua's deeds,
the wondrous halls of Shamayim,
the shadow-flame's dark treachery
and how folk now were free of him.
Through Ruach they sent pleas to El:
to make Erets a brighter place;
to lift the burden Sheol laid;
to grant them much-desired grace.
As more and more turned to this path
Shamayim's rule came to Erets,
like scattered seeds that slowly grow
till the resultant forest gets
as overwhelming as the might
of El the ever-fair and his
compatriots in Shamayim.
Sheol was lost in the abyss
as Erets grew in harmony.
The children frolicked in the street
and danced for pleasure everywhere
to music set to Ruach's beat.
A newer, greater throne was built
to bridge Erets and Shamayim
where El and bright Yeshua sit
and Ruach when he visits them.
Thus Shamayim has claimed Erets,
our newly joyful land of choice.
Dark has fallen; light has risen
so sing and dance and all rejoice!
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Comments: 7
ThornyEnglishRose [2021-12-30 13:34:20 +0000 UTC]
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
openmeadow [2020-08-17 02:03:08 +0000 UTC]
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Carmalain7 [2015-06-19 16:22:58 +0000 UTC]
Story & Characters:
It reads as a tale, and I think even people who don't recognize the biblical allusions would at least realize it is a light vs. darkness trope. Linear and true to form.
I wouldn't say I necessarily cared about the characters, because they weren't really the focus of the story - the story's focus was on building a foundation for conflict and resolution of events, not really characters.
Retelling:
I would be more inclined to say a reimagining, I certainly realized it was Milton expired, but I wouldn't have jumped to say it was a straight retelling, but maybe that's just because it isn't a novel, haha.
Division of Emotions:
I think you made it clear that the narrator regretted the falling out, but I wouldn't have said that the writing conveyed emotion, if that's what you are asking, just story.
Meter:
Actually, one of the things that took away most from the reading for me was the lack, and sometimes overt disuse of meter. Just because of the language used and the 'epic storytelling' form, having a lack of meter felt very strange for me.
Tense Change:
I think it was a good way to usher in the resolve and clear up any uncertainty about the parallel you were trying to construct between the story's present, and our present.
Details:
I never felt as if I was being bogged down or uninformed with details, but that might be partly because I wasn't hearing the story for the first time - just a different iteration - and thus filled in blanks that may have been missing or subconsciously skimmed things that made linear sense.
Hope some of that helps, enjoyed your epic undertaking and appreciate the time it must have took you to put this all together. Very well done, good miss.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
PaperDart In reply to Carmalain7 [2015-06-21 13:55:10 +0000 UTC]
Thanks very much for the in depth comment! Lots of food for thought there. Pretty sure most of what I have is technically iambic tet, but I guess just a little deviation can destroy the rhythm.
Thanks for reading and for all the thoughts.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
AfricanObserver [2015-06-18 18:33:30 +0000 UTC]
This needs to be read out loud, I think. The rhythm and rhyme are there, but not obtrusive, and not getting in the way of the words or expression or story.
Tense change at the end? - seems to happen once ("gets") then go back to past tense - or am I missing something?
I like it - it now needs some medieval illuminated illustrations!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
PaperDart In reply to AfricanObserver [2015-06-18 20:46:13 +0000 UTC]
"gets" is metaphorical present tense, I think.
The last six lines or so switch to the present tense, like the speaker is explaining how things came to be the way they are. If you didn't notice anything funny it's probably working.
One day I'll persuade Psykonius to illustrate something for me.
Thank you!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
AfricanObserver In reply to PaperDart [2015-06-20 10:54:02 +0000 UTC]
I see it now.
Still like it!
Seeing some of his work will be good too!
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