SkunkyArt | rubyrouge649 — rubyrouge649 DA Banner (2021)

Being considered and called 'mature for my age' my whole life by adults and teachers alike. Experiencing existentialism at a much earlier stage than other children.

Having notable curiosity that my parents even noticed in me as a toddler, which means I am highly driven to learn, problem-solve, and find the 'truth' of things. This leads me to develop a wide range of very specific and unusual interests... which can cause conflict in when, in the past, I felt more respected and understood by my teachers than by those in my age group, being seen as a 'stick in the mud' or a 'teacher's pet', and making others uncomfortable with my questioning around 'darker' or more controversial topics.

Some of my worst flaws include stubbornness, internalization to the point of 'exploding' or 'snapping' rather than properly processing and expressing myself, anxious perfectionism, living too much 'in my head', basing too much of my self-worth on accomplishment (to the point of feeling like no level of achievement is 'good enough' ), a sharp tongue when I'm truly angry, being torn between my ideals and what is reality to be pragmatic, and saddened jealousy over others' charisma and wit (that make them easily likeable :( (Sad)

).

What truly frustrate and upset me have more due to with injustice, incompetence, feeling out of control (especially if I feel like I'm 'trapped' by someone else - I find more comfort in the tactile and certain rather than anything ambiguous like interpersonal relations even though I'm not considered socially awkward ), and manipulation because I have come to despise it when false promises are made or flakiness is demonstrated when it comes to morals and responsibilities. :x (Mad)

I have struggled with female socialization practices because of my reserved nature. It got to the point of me I feeling some resentment over femininity (even if I don't hate the concept!) because of the backdrop of gender roles making me feel 'tomboyish' in comparison - as if I will always be judged more on merits of niceness and appearance rather than on the contents of my mind and character. This may be partly why I am drawn to technical activities and career options that base performance on results and prowess rather than sociality or image. This ties in to how some have negatively judged me in the past to be 'rude' or 'judgemental' just because I'm not smiling all the time as I can be very direct and no-nonsense in communication... as if a woman is a freak in certain circles is she isn't super accommodating or vivacious (though it turns out I had good reasons to distrust those judging people in the end as well). Roll Eyes

I generally take a long time to warm up to people because of my weaknesses, eccentricities, and skepticism. I prefer to surround myself with a few people that I think are very interesting and thoughtful that I can give what little social battery I have to. :) (Smile)

I think I am generally quite loyal once I care for someone because they are very important to me in their own way. Aww

On the flip side of that, any sense of betrayal hits me REALLY hard, and I'm likely to cut anyone out of my life if they've crossed too many lines for me to forgive. This doesn't make me any more likely to open up because it is hard for me to find like-minded people who will appreciate the way I think and view the world already, and interpersonal struggles and pain do carry heavy in my heart and mind.

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