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Published: 2007-03-26 17:16:37 +0000 UTC; Views: 20401; Favourites: 531; Downloads: 3
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Gunshymartyr: Why do they speak Welsh now?Me: Well, it all started with that drunken birthday bash for Yog-Sothoth that Vertigo88 was talking about.
Anyways, it was a crazy party, and when they got tired of Shub Niggurath's gin-induced poledancing and Bugg-shash's eye-roll-inducing baby jokes ("Hey, how many human babies does it take to make an Old One explode?" " Are you STILL telling these things, Bugg-shash? *sigh* Alright, how many then..?" "NOMNOMNOM *burp* BANG!" ) they all shambled out of their various voids and palaces and dimensions and off they went to Las Vegas, where Tom Jones was playing that casino that looks like the Sphinx.
There they all were, soused as a pickled shoggoth and having a Great Old time, and Hastur starts throwing underpants at the stage. Now, the underpants of an Old One (even Hastur's cthexy cthong) aren't small, so Tom Jones disappears in this welter of ominous darkness and black lace. What they DIDN'T know was that Jones himself was an Old One, expunged from the Necronomicon by the Welsh government in an attempt to fool the world into believing Wales is full of normal, attractive people, before adopting him as a national icon (in place of wee fat ponies and beef-thieves named Taffy).
So, you can imagine their shock when, to the fading lyrics of "It's Not Unusual" they were abruptly sucked into a dimensional rift and wound up in Ystradgynlais. What transpired there, what horrors, we may never know.
But the upshot is, they all speak Welsh now.
Hastur has taken to wearing thick, elasticated girdle-waisted panties. In beige.
Bugg-shash was stitched back together and forced to wear The Great Seal of K'dath, which prevented him from going within 100 metres of maternity hospitals and telling appalling jokes at parties.
Tom Jones went on to revive his career by becoming a "retro" sensation. Shub-Niggurath slapped him with A Thousand Paternity Suits, and we're just waiting on the blood tests.
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Comments: 287
OneEasyKill In reply to ??? [2007-12-01 17:36:49 +0000 UTC]
so far i've just read the relevant shorts, Call of Cthulhu, Dagon, at the mountains of madness, i've read a couple of others, but life gets in the way, alas
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salshep In reply to jupiknight [2007-11-29 08:41:58 +0000 UTC]
Well, then it's doing its job. Glad you liked it.
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ivannikolayevich In reply to ??? [2007-11-28 12:32:49 +0000 UTC]
oh man this made me so happy.
especially the part about the thousand paternity suits
the mythos dont get enough recognition these days, what with the damn kids and their television and hippity hop music
although i think its a sign that i read this the day after i got my hands on those obnoxious Necronomicon tarot cards with the painfully pretentious manual. the apocalypse is neigh and is packin mad tentacles
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salshep In reply to ivannikolayevich [2007-11-29 08:46:25 +0000 UTC]
I think the mythos is more popular now than it has been in the past. There's actually a huge amount of people here (and everywhere) influenced by it, writers and artists both. One of my ambitions is to write a truly great Mythos-piece one day.
You do Tarot? And I can only imagine the manual. Take it seriously, much? (the mythos I mean).
And that last thing you said-- that needs to be a T-shirt, mang. (nigh*) <-- compulsive editor syndrome.
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ivannikolayevich In reply to salshep [2007-11-29 10:19:28 +0000 UTC]
i wanna add to the mythos someday too, but im still figgerin out my voice, so it won't be for a good long while
i dabbled with tarot for a while. the manual... god, it blew my mind. ive read a lot of cthulhu-related stories and none of them were downright bad, i dont understand why they didn't get ANY OF THOSE AUTHORS to write it.
but im not gonna lie Cthulhu is my homeboy i got the little stuffed animal and everything
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salshep In reply to ivannikolayevich [2007-11-29 11:39:55 +0000 UTC]
ROFL. Cthulhu-plushy ftw. I want tentacle-face slippers.
What I love about H.P.'s creations is the pull they have on the imagination, the way he picked the most fascinating parts of many old myths and legends and wove his own in the same image, plus conspiracies and the rest. I heart the whole thing, and all the add-ons and spin-offs and allusions made to it in modern lit/film -- it gives me such a giant happy.
I miss Tarot. I worked as a reader/medium for almost twenty years; in the end it became my main job. I don't do that now,, but it's still fascinating to me. Tarot + Cthulhu = scary levels of joy. I have a lot of decks, but the best one -- a really beautiful set by Dali -- I no longer have. Anyhow and I'ma go look up these Cthulhu-cards for myself. Cheers.
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Sorbe In reply to ??? [2007-11-10 04:15:41 +0000 UTC]
I couldn't stop laughing.
And I agree with =RetroZombie--this picture needs to be on a mug! So I can drink tea and confuse my friends at the same time!
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salshep In reply to Sorbe [2007-11-10 04:29:51 +0000 UTC]
It is on a mug!
You can purchase one through the print thingy.
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paranoia17 In reply to ??? [2007-10-26 18:58:56 +0000 UTC]
*laughs without even comenting, finding the tale far too funny* XD
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salshep In reply to paranoia17 [2007-10-27 01:09:07 +0000 UTC]
I'm so glad you liked it. It makes me smile, too.
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RetroZombie In reply to ??? [2007-10-20 23:55:26 +0000 UTC]
I must have this on a mug! (A coffee mug, that is - I would have a hard time explaining possession of a disembodied head even if it did have this nifty graphic printed on it... )
Now I just need a garment that says: "The Necronomicon blasted my soul, and all I got was this stupid t-shirt"
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salshep In reply to RetroZombie [2007-10-31 22:19:25 +0000 UTC]
Ahaha. Well, I'm hoping to have this made into t-shirts soon. And the print is available in black mugs. Thanks so much.
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Kimete [2007-10-15 22:41:14 +0000 UTC]
... I am so confused... @______@
But that's okay! I think I've a couple hundred pieces of this puzzle missing from in front of me, is all. xD
Hey! As long as you're having fun, it's cool.
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salshep In reply to Kimete [2007-10-18 02:54:32 +0000 UTC]
Haha. Lovecraft's creations have a cult status, really. They're worth taking a look at-- also, it's kind of fashinable for famed Horror writers to take a whack at a Lovecraft tale. There's lots of them about!
(and yes, lotta fun )
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Kimete In reply to salshep [2007-10-18 07:54:04 +0000 UTC]
Ooooh... I must dig in a bit and discover this... "Lovecraft."
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salshep In reply to Raizaiel [2007-10-10 03:40:01 +0000 UTC]
Sure, if you give a link/credit somewhere for it.
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Raizaiel In reply to ??? [2007-10-09 16:26:17 +0000 UTC]
The image was hilarious...but the artistic notes, even more so. Fantastic job, salshep.
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neonxaos In reply to ??? [2007-09-16 11:37:35 +0000 UTC]
Oh my, that is completely awesome... that just made my day!
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Soul-Daemon In reply to ??? [2007-09-04 02:51:52 +0000 UTC]
Cthex Ungtop Thepid Stikuthog!
i bet they wernt even his wym-goats...
lovecraft wulda wet himself with laughter had he but forseen the stars would indeed be right that night lol
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RiftDoggy [2007-08-29 11:03:26 +0000 UTC]
I don't get who the Elder Gods are (David Eddings? *Dies*) but this made me die. Laughing. Hard.
Very, very hard.
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salshep In reply to RiftDoggy [2007-08-31 11:53:41 +0000 UTC]
Lovecraft. You should read him! Lots!! Glad you got a laugh from it!
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Zoingishly In reply to ??? [2007-08-29 05:36:05 +0000 UTC]
Intelligence Von Gargantua-nation in the form of artistic and half-drunken genious. lol
YOU MUST JOIN THE CONTEST because YOUR'E A GENIUS!!! XDDD
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salshep In reply to Zoingishly [2007-08-31 11:55:04 +0000 UTC]
I R TEH EBILL GENIUS!!!!!
............can i have mi 100k & plack naow?
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Zoingishly In reply to salshep [2007-09-06 06:15:13 +0000 UTC]
You get 100K, alright! 100K Of rotten fish nuggets! lol
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truetattoo In reply to ??? [2007-08-21 19:20:25 +0000 UTC]
thats awesome and funny as hell! good job
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bloodfangtattoos In reply to ??? [2007-08-21 15:00:50 +0000 UTC]
very excellent and humorus. wonderful depiction of cthulu.
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salshep In reply to bloodfangtattoos [2007-08-22 01:34:24 +0000 UTC]
Thankyou! Glad you liked it.
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