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Well... it's much sooner than I expected. Just one year after the release of Rise of the Beasts and assuming no major delays occur, the Robots in Disguise are set to take the silver screen once again with Transformers One. A theatrically released animated Transformers film, the first time we've seen one of those since 1986. It's a prequel story to the movie continuity that will focus on the friendship between Orion Pax and D-16 and how they became Optimus and Megatron respectively. Will it be good?

Well I certainly hope it will be. Either way, I'm still gonna own the Blu-Ray and promptly rewatch it copious amounts. Anyways, I thought I'd do a few special things for the occasion and periodically (Because I'm gonna spend quite a bit of time on a Kaiju film marathon) do some TF stuff to herald its arrival to kick this off? I feel there's no better time for my personal ranking of all theatrically released Transformers films from worst to best and considering you can see the tiers already... ooh boy this is likely to ruffle a few feathers because in the years since 2007? Discussion of TF films has changed significantly. Of course this is expected since we're entering the years where those who have grown up with these movies now effectively have a seat at the discourse table. Less and less seats are being taken up by older fans and curmudgeons who still haven't accepted they are a slave to their nostalgia and they'd be a much happier person if they just left the franchise and instead are being taken up by a younger, more spritely lot, groups of people who really don't care about the fun yet goofy as hell toy commercial that was the 80s cartoon or that Optimus was once a flat nose cab and now was a long nosed one with flames. These are people who grew up with the movies being their Transformers, their gateway to the franchise.

And that's awesome! However with that comes reconciling with the past a little bit because looking back on the discourse surrounding the movies and comparing it to now? It really has not been pleasant with us basically to a degree treating the Bay films the same way we treated the Star Wars prequels. Whether it was toxic fans overreacting so much to the leaked designs of the first film they sent death threats to Michael Bay himself (Friggin' seriously.) to the usual insults being flung whenever someone expressed enjoyment to of course getting crapped on by faux intellectuals who really are in such desperate need of a purpose that harsh critic reviews that vaguely align with their opinions are held up as gospel and justification to shit on anyone for refuting the so-called "objective truth" so naturally some fans have a tendency to get defensive when faced with criticism not necessarily because they can't handle negativity but rather the internet has basically trained them to do so. As such, we need to begin by making one detail as clear as day.

If you love the films I don't? Keep on loving them, you are not wrong for doing so and I'm glad you do. My personal philosophy in regards to the idea of subjectivity and objectivity is that unless we are talking more grave issues such as human rights? There's ALWAYS subjectivity. What we like is just what we like and if what you like is being criticized? That's not a slight against you as a person nor is it an attempt to invalidate your love of the thing, it's a simple expression of opinion about art and media and whoever doesn't think that and is instead attacking you because you don't share those same thoughts? Fuck 'em. In fact, don't let those guys inhabit your brain space, it's not worth letting yourself be riled or bummed over such sad strange people.

I also want to make this clear that I am not a geewunner or nor am I a dude who watched some review that totally reshaped my everything. The original cartoon was before my time with most of my love coming from these movies and the Unicron Trilogy. I've also had experience in fandoms that can be just as intolerant and stuck in the past as what I've experienced with this series. My points are not coming from some jaded bitter person who yearns for the good old days and shuns everyone who doesn't agree. I'm just a guy with opinions I want to share. With that in mind? Let's get a move on.

Worst 8) The Last Knight

There really is no other place this can go. In retrospect, the last two Bay-led films were kind of oddballs and remind me of latter seasons Family Guy.

No this is not a meme, trust me you'll get the point when I explain it. See with that cartoon, creator Seth MacFarlane had made it clear time and time again that he's as spent as you can be working on the show and that he has at many points yearned for it to finally end but because it's such a moneymaker for Fox? They've basically ensured it's never gonna end by continuously paying Seth quite a bit to keep him on and as such, it's really not optimal to say no, especially when one can take advantage of the situation to basically keep being able to eat and live comfortably while also being able to pitch and work on new ideas that otherwise wouldn't be possible without the clout.

The TF films were basically in the same boat. As far as Bay was concerned? DOTM was it. Hell before that, it was clear '07 was it and it was apparent in the film's ending. Every Decepticon is dead, Cybertron is destroyed, Sam's getting married, it's honestly the most conclusive end you could have so really there never should've been a fourth. However, sometimes the call of the green is simply too great, especially with DOTM walking out of the box office with a hefty billion for its troubles and as such? Paramount promptly backed a dumptruck full of money into Bay's driveway. With that, we got AOE which at least at the time seemed like it was a step in the right direction. While the plot still centered around a Cybertronian artifact to a degree it really wasn't that big of a focus. We had an interesting concept going with Cemetary Wind and a genuinely solid human villain in Harold Attinger who was backed up by Lockdown who was so cool to see with this and Bulkhead's appearance in Prime cementing just how good Animated was in expanding the horizons of the series. Mark Wahlberg's Cade Yeager while not being great was still better than Sam Witwicky and it felt like there was a push to focus more on the robots. If they simply kept this focus up? TLK was destined to be a real banger and for the record, it all seemed like that would be the case with the fact we FINALLY were free of Ehren Krueger, a writer who while talented has a severe tendency to rest on his laurels and repeat stories and were instead saddled with the writers behind the first Iron Man and when coupled with some truly cool trailers and the news that we have a Transformers writers room actively planning things out? All the pieces were in place.

Though in hindsight? The writers room should've been a red flag that something was amiss but we're getting ahead of ourselves. Finally we got TLK in June of 2017, I had the privilege to see one of those day earlier screenings and what we're left with is one DISMAL experience of a film. To start off, just about every improvement made with AOE has basically been tossed by the wayside. The robots are accessories and side-characters in their own film, the plot is back to being about yet another MacGuffin with more unknown history about Cybertron and the Transformers being on Earth before 2007 that overcomplicates and clutters things to the extreme, Quintessa is a terrible boring villain that really only serves as sequel bait and a means of taking Prime out of most of the movie and then there's Unicron... who doesn't appear whatsoever beyond a horn. But hey, at least we got a tease for future films and if all their announcements were true? This would've led to the Hasbro shared universe and...

Look, I totally understand there are people out there who are disappointed that this idea did not happen. I mean it's hard not to be disappointed when your mind runs wild on what a Hasbro shared universe could actually entail in terms of fun times at the movies and if they were all teaming up to square off against Unicron, that's certainly something. However, the thing about constructing a universe and why time and time and time again we see movie studios continuing to fail while only a handful have succeeded is that setting up a universe takes time, patience and most importantly the right focus, You need to make sure that you have a good movie first to serve as your foundation and keep making good movies so that people actively care when they come together and that's where TLK really stumbles. We've been lucky over the years to learn of how production on this film was a bit of a mess. For instance, this movie has scenes that tie the Transformers into Arthurian lore (Which is revealed to be actually real but with the magic really being derived from Cybertronian tech.) as well as WWII. Originally these ideas were intended to be used in two separate movies but a choice was made to merge them together and with what they had for AOE's sequel which okay isn't the worst idea on paper, especially if you have a film meaty enough to contain both.

Unfortunately the one complaint Paramount seemed to care the most about addressing was all of the ones about AOE being way too long, a criticism I agreed with but more in the sense that while I was at the time invested in all the action and story beats, I felt these beats were stretched out a bit whereas if it was trimmed just a tad? It could be tightened up into what would've been at the time the best of these movies. Of course I also think this because while I am not a film editor, I had watched special features on the topic and knew that a film is made or broken in the final edit and that a good edit takes careful consideration over what scenes get cut and which ones don't. Whatever process this went through promptly laughed at that idea since they hacked this already cluttered film to the bone and in ways that feel senseless, resulting in a film that at times I legit cannot follow and when it's not doing that? It's nauseating me since this film also has near constant aspect ratio shifts. Here's the thing, I personally don't care for IMAX versions of films, to me if they filmed a scene in IMAX and there's more picture to see? I don't care unless the film was made entirely with IMAX and is one consistent resolution or it transitions to reveal the full picture because more often than not? The shifting of the aspect ratio is distracting to me with this film being the worst about it because Bay usually likes to shoot scenes with different types of cameras and while the other films whether you're watching on home media or in theaters don't have shifting aspect ratios? This film on the other hand does and since it's hacked to the bone? This thing is almost constantly shifting in-between cuts of the same action scene it is that obnoxious with it actively taking away from the few good moments. Case in point? I can't even enjoy the action in this one.

Then there's the matter of the characters where aside from Megatron and to a degree Bumblebee and Cogman? I don't care for anyone. Cade's been through a radical shift in his character that has dialed up the asshole and has made him very unlikable in most scenes, Izabella is such a poor attempt at aping Rey from the at the time fresh Force Awakens that I'm shocked they didn't go the full nine yards and say that she's got special Cybertronian powers. British Mikaela AKA Vivian I continuously forget is even in this movie and we have Anthony Hopkins playing a dude who I can barely remember doing an act that honestly feels like it was thrown in just because someone thought it'd be funny to have Anthony Hopkins say "dickhead" and although he's not in the movie much? There's Mohawk who is the ugliest fucking thing on that never should've been created, offers nothing of value and frankly the fact he didn't die and is eternally a talking severed head is too good for him. Then there's the big truck shaped elephant in the room known as Optimus Prime who is barely in this movie and when he is? It's to act as Nemesis Prime and hearing that name out loud made me cringe in the theaters since you ask me? Nemesis Prime whenever you try to make him a character has only truly worked three times for me. The first is in RiD 2001 where he was known as Scourge, the next is Prime where he was MECH's copy of Optimus and finally in IDW where he's basically what Nova became. Otherwise, it's just something to slap onto the black repaints to justify their existence and making him anything more really shows the problems that lay beneath the surface and in this film, it only raises questions about the red mark on Megatron's face, he barely shows up and then he's turned back super quickly so that Cade Yeager can flash his big action movie penis by showing he can wield this ancient Cybertronian sword and how British Mikaela is the only one who can use Merlin's staff or whatever and he gets to spout some very terrible posturing one-liners because the movie seemed to just forget how to portray Optimus.

This was the TF film to make me rethink if I even was a fan of this franchise anymore I found it to be that bad. It is a miserable slog to trudge through and one that I never will watch again... well unless I want to review the whole series but even then the thought of having to rewatch this thing again is enough to turn me off it. Despite being a great bit shorter than AOE? It somehow feels like it drags on for even longer to where by the time I get to the final battle I'm desperate for this thing to just end. TLK is easily the worst of these movies and honestly for me at least it was the worst film of 2017, not because it truly was the worst constructed but rather when the film ended? I was not in a pleasant mood and no other film really managed to make me feel that way.

7) Age of Extinction

The first of what was supposed to not only be a brand new trilogy but also what was supposed to jumpstart a whole new cinematic universe. Age of Extinction was in a way a kind of soft reboot of the franchise. While it still clearly continued off the end of DOTM a lot of time has passed and with the plot dealing with the Autobots being hunted by the military group Cemetary Wind? It means we're dealing with a whole new status quo and also a whole new cast of humans and brand new designs for two returning surviving Autobots of Bumblebee and Optimus. Along with that, we'd also get some very interesting lore for the series and some cool new ideas like Transformium which lame name and the fact it's there to cheat transformations aside honestly led to some of the film's most creative sequences, especially the highway chase with Galvatron when he breaks apart like a dude in a Lego game to dodge an attack and reforms quickly afterwards. For years this would be regarded by me as the best TF sequel with a very interesting plot, a focus on the robots that was more than welcome, a very interesting direction for the character of Optimus, humans that again weren't great but still a step up from Sam, great action and of course, LIVE-ACTION DINOBOTS!

Upon my most recent rewatch, I'm sad to say that the only elements that have held up are the new robot designs, action, music and Dinobot sequences. To be honest, if the first half-hour didn't exist? This would possibly go below TLK but that's only by a slight margin. AOE can be best summed up by one word.

Hateful. This film is hateful towards its existence, the audience, studio and the franchise and before anyone tries it? No, this is not me being a disgruntled Geewunner nor is it me trying to pin all the blame on Michael Bay or imply some personal vendetta, I've lived through witnessing that from 2007 through 2017 and I still see it an uncomfortable amount of times today and if you don't mind me including a side-note? I think that kind of behavior is immature at best and at worst one of the most embarrassing lines of thinking one can ever go down. You want to trash the movies? Do so but keep your focus purely on the product and not on the people. As far as I'm aware, aside from questionable behavior like making Megan Fox wash his car, Bay has not done anything that I would call evil. He just directed some movies that not everyone likes. He does not hate you or TF fans in general (Though I have the sneaking suspicion he did not appreciate the death threats being sent his way after designs for the first film leaked like any normal person.), he doesn't even know you exist specifically. So bear in mind that when I say that the film is "hateful"? I mean it only in terms of what it presents and am not trying to imply any ulterior motives from the crew who to be honest I feel sympathy for. You could tell at this point Michael Bay just wanted to be done making these films. I mean by this point with every interview he gave back when the idea of a TF4 seemed like an impossibility? He would not hesitate to state how done he was working on giant robot films and really, Paramount easily could've sprung for a new director, maybe even someone who could be mentored by Bay if they still wanted his influence present but seemingly both they and Hasbro seemed to be of the belief he had to be the guy to do it and thus he kept getting the dumptruck of money until the financial failure of TLK basically forced their hand.

Of course the problem with this method is that money can't necessarily buy investment and when watching AOE? I could feel Bay's heart just really wasn't in it anymore. As soon as the first half-hour ends? AOE takes every single good idea it has and either squanders them, doesn't realize it was done better in another piece of media or it throws out fifty bad ideas. For instance, Lockdown is actually a cool character in Animated and his other appearances and bringing him into AOE as a means of expanding the universe and giving us a proper central villain who's active in the plot is cool to see. Unfortunately, the Lockdown we witness is not the interesting badass bounty hunter from Animated. Rather he's Genericus McGunface with no personality outside of his face becoming a gun and a design that while cool especially when rendered by the right toy and/or lighting in the film looks remarkably plain compared to his Animated appearance or hell the moviefied version of that look we got in the ROTF toyline. Otherwise? Look I love Mark Ryan's portrayal of the character and I think it's really cool that ever since Bumblebee was permanently relegated to just being the mute dude who speaks with the radio he actually gets a chance to act but this material is not doing him any favors. Moving on, the TFs being hunted by humans is interesting but it's done infinitely better in the comics. Optimus being jaded and feeling no desire to help the humans because of our self-destructive tendencies and while we are hunting down and slaughtering his people? That would be interesting... IF the Optimus of this film didn't already show how callous he could be by faking his death in the previous film and letting several humans die basically to teach us a lesson about how the Decepticons will never leave Earth alone and how excessively brutal and violent he can be, an issue I will get into more when it's significantly more relevant but until then, basically the contrast isn't really there to make this feel like a drastic shift. The Dinobots? Don't get me wrong, every scene involving them is sick and I actually quite like their designs, especially their toy colors where Hasbro opted to basically color these dudes like Zords but even the very subdued look is cool. That being said they are barely in the movie, have basically no personality beyond Optimus telling us that they're great knights and they don't even get named or speak. The Autobots have personality and are given a good deal of focus which is good.

But that hardly matters when these guys are so spiteful, angry and aggressive, not at all fitting how an Autobot should behave. I know that's due to the film's plot and I'm certainly not asking for anyone to be jovial when they're being hunted down and slaughtered by those they once protected like wild animals but really when I look back on the film, I realized aside from Hound and the guys who have been here since the first movie I really don't know or care about anyone else and even then the case with Hound is just me digging John Goodman since otherwise this guy really doesn't appeal to me. Drift is a huge waste of Ken Watanabe's talents that takes a character who I actually liked the idea of in the comics and leans in hard on the stuff others didn't care for like the cribbing from Japanese culture that while feeling significantly less weeby still are distracting especially with his design and when it's not doing that it's giving him the personality of "This guy claims to be all zen but really he's kind of an unhinged psycho." which really doesn't feel right and Crosshairs... man this dude I just can't with. While design-wise he's one of my favorites and I really like the idea generally of taking character names who to be frank weren't attached to anybody that interesting and giving it to someone who has the potential to be? I really don't like this character since once again, he's kind of just a violent dick and in ways that tell me he kind of was always like that which when put together makes for an Autobot team that really isn't enjoyable to watch and for the record the humans aren't much better. Remember how I once said Cade at least beat out Sam? Well upon a rewatch, I found that while I liked Cade in the beginning okay? Gradually the mask slipped more and more until eventually I just gotta come clean and say it, Cade Yeager's just an asshole and in many ways he makes me appreciate Sam at least in his early outing and the other human characters aren't much better. His buddy from the beginning is just T.J. Miller playing the character type he tended to play a lot, Tessa is just there and seems to only exist for a series of unfunny teenager jokes and moments where the camera salivates over a character that's underage which just fills me with all sorts of ick and also makes me feel more than a little bad for her actress considering her most notable role before this was Katara in The Last Airbender which... ouch. Then there's Shane whose only traits are that he drives, he's Irish for the sake of several unfunny "Lucky Charms" quips by Cade and that Romeo and Juliet scene that by this point might as well be a meme for how often it's torn apart and how it even got to the point where there's a little note on it when you watch it on Amazon Prime that fact-checks what Shane's saying and as for the villains? Attinger and Savoy have potential but they really don't have anything going for them. Their backstory? Aside from Savoy just saying he had a sister in Chicago at the time of the attack in DOTM which is badly handled in general because it's just told to us with there being nothing shown there is nothing. Motivation? Seemingly just they hate the Transformers and nothing more. The performances really are the only thing saving them from being complete nothing characters which I can't even feel bothered to pay attention to when the film is as obnoxiously long as it is, especially when unlike some long movies, it's so LUDICROUSLY padded and stretched out that by the time we hit the midpoint of the second act I find it hard to even care and the film really doesn't feel like it does either with its blatantly obvious continuity mistakes such as the repeatedly changing times of day and big emotional moments that should feel important being speedran through quick conversations which tell me this movie more than ever is only interested in getting from one fight scene to the next.

AOE is a frustrating slog to sit through. Honestly, both this and TLK are pretty interchangeable in terms of how awful they actually are but what saves AOE is that first half-hour which genuinely is solid if deeply flawed stuff. I really think if this movie's base idea was given to a crew that wasn't ultra burned out that we could've gotten a truly great film because there's a lot here I genuinely like and still feel in hindsight was a step in the right direction that the franchise needed after DOTM. With TLK? I genuinely get no enjoyment out of it with every time I've watched it leaving me feeling exhausted and without a shred of care. With AOE? I see the seeds for something great, I have moments that still make me smile and at the very least a good memory associated with it from when I went to this film's midnight release and then seeing it multiple times in 2D and one time in 3D which I can't even say is present for TLK. However, when I take everything else into account especially after my recent rewatch? I'm nothing if not brutally honest and so I've got to just say that AOE is still really bad and that I am definitely not gonna be rewatching it any time soon. I'll gladly stick to just watching the film's best fights on YouTube and leaving it there.

6) Dark of the Moon

Ah DOTM, this one I have some particularly great memories of and seemingly judging from the many posts I've seen where people have basically been showering appreciation on the Bay films? This is one that gets talked about the most I feel and really it's not hard to see why. At the time, this was meant as the grand finale of the series and was released when we were still very much riding off the high of this franchise's grand return. At this point, Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman had well moved on to greater pastures creating the series of Transformers Prime which premiered towards the end of the 2010s, a few months before that we got the fantastic War for Cybertron from High Moon Studios and Japan was about to be graced with the beauty that was Transformers Animated which would bring with it slick metallic decos for the toyline there plus characters that were once doomed to be cancelled like Blackout getting a proper release and the ROTF toyline would gradually morph and lay the foundations for what we'd come to know as the Generations line which gave us tons of bangers in the toy department from updates on old classics to really cool movie takes on characters from throughout the franchise, basically we Transformers fans were dining like royalty and thus interest in DOTM was high overall, especially since with this film not being at the mercy of a strike like the previous was it meant there was a chance for this movie to receive a lot of the polish that ROTF straight-up couldn't get and from what the trailers showed where we were promised Sentinel Prime, a proper Decepticon invasion of Earth, Shockwave and an intriguing premise that would involve the space race to some degree? This appeared to be shaping up to be something great and honestly upon rewatch? This does have some real cool ideas and it does some stuff really well. The action is exciting, the designs of the robots for the most part are really cool and interesting, we got some real cool takes on classic G1 hallmarks like Prime's Combat Deck, a really solid villain in Sentinel Prime where props must be shown to the crew since I could not have predicted this whatsoever as someone not following leaks and a commendably definitive ending that in this current age of films trying to be one massive ongoing franchise is especially refreshing to see and really as the end of a trilogy it works very well.

However? Good ideas and good execution on some elements doesn't necessarily make for a great film. See while I think DOTM has a lot of good elements and ideas? The actual movie itself is kind of blah. This is where we'd learn of a particularly sad truth in regards to this series and it all starts with its previous entry. While I'm definitely gonna go into it a bit more when talking about it specifically? ROTF like I said earlier was hampered because of a strike and most specifically, the 2007-08 Writer's Strike as well as a potential Director's Guild and SAG strike. As a result, the film's development process was noticeably much more rushed than what was seen with the first and was done with significantly less oversight. In particular, there was no finished script, what Bay had was a treatment that he later adjusted into a "scriptment" to work off of with the screenplay being finished by Kruger, Orci and Kurtzman in a few months while staying in hotel rooms. The result of this was that ROTF was basically the most Michael Bay TF film you were gonna get at the time. It was much more violent, far more sexually charged and significantly more juvenile...

It also was the fourth highest grossing film of 2009 and easily surpassed the first and had a toyline so successful it continued years after the film's release with the same branding and so you can see where this is going. DOTM as a whole basically ends up as a slightly more coherent version of what this series has done before with ROTF which means its story is still a weaker version of what we got in the first film. Now don't get me wrong, this is not inherently bad, after all quite a few series have tried and true formulas that they use to great effect but the problem is that because of the nature of these films and Bay's style of filmmaking is that the end result is a series that unless you're actively remembering characters or what Linkin Park song was used blends together. It also means that many of the elements that hurt the previous film are present such as the comedy and the continued flanderization of Sam. Seriously the whole montage where Sam is at different job interviews and really just everything that has to deal with him and his job are some of the most cringe-inducing moments these films have provided and this is a film series that showed me John Turturro's ass and had Bumblebee pee on a guy. It really comes across to me like what Bay finds the most funny or thinks kids will find funny is people simply being loud, aggressive and kind of crass without anyone sitting him down to suggest maybe other approaches to the comedy which results in not just these cringe-inducing scenes but I also feel this is really what cements the hatred of humans for most Transformers fans. See at the time of G1 and even the imported anime like RiD 2001 and the Unicron Trilogy, we didn't necessarily like the humans in those series but it was understood why they had to be there. Aside from I think Kicker in Energon and some side-characters in Armada, we didn't really have an immense disdain for them and in some cases the humans were actually quite liked. The movies I feel changed this perception by virtue of just how long they make us spend with these humans who just so happen to be the worst out of the entire series and because they're so successful? It meant there was inevitably a focus on aping these ideas which meant in series like Prime and even Sari to a degree with early Animated we got these overly exaggerated cartoon characters that at many points came off as more annoying than endearing, hence why now there is more of a desire than ever to see TF media where there are no humans present at all and DOTM is where this hits its absolute fever pitch due in no small part to the fact we thought with more time we'd be done with this but as it is? The only characters I can say didn't give me a migraine on the human side was the military dudes who were only guilty of being boring, Patrick Dempsey who looks like he's having fun at least being a human bad guy and Carly who is so blatantly just a "Ctrl+F, Ctrl+V" of all instances of Mikaela that the only feeling she illicits from me is disappointment since a Sam living alone and jaded likely would've been a much better reason for his whole "I should be out there helping the Autobots." thing he goes through and because she really is a nothing character played by someone who I'm sure is very nice and just unfortunately was saddled with material that was hastily reworked to include her with some unnecessary jabs thrown in at Fox for good measure such as how it's now canon to the story that she left her freaking dog with Sam apparently in the break-up which feels just so wrong.

Then again, that's a word I end up using a lot for this film because unfortunately? A lot of the seeds for the next two films are planted here and seeds we saw in previous films have grown into horrible disgusting sprouts. For one thing? I really don't care for many of the new robots. Dino's cool to a degree but he barely has a personality and is seemingly only shown being aggressive, the Wreckers while being such a neat idea barely have character aside from bickering with each other and being violent such as when they ripped a Decepticon to pieces, Que's... actually pretty alright aside from a really bad design but he gets killed so I don't find myself caring, the surviving Autobots from the previous movie get basically no development and finally we get Optimus Prime who does get an awesome moment where he meets Buzz Aldrin and a moment where he basically admits he intentionally let the Decepticons attack and kill humans just to teach us a lesson about how stupid it'd be to send them away, he declares that the Autobots will kill all the Decepticons and he brutalizes Shockwave, Megatron and Sentinel in such a horrific manner that now I feel it's important to address one of the many common criticisms of this iteration of the character and really just the Autobot portrayal in general. Now just so we're clear, I do have a DeviantArt post covering this so if you want to read more of my thoughts then please take a look at this link . If you're done or you're still here, if you'll let me I'd like to lay out why I have issues with this in particular.

And first, let me be clear that it is totally fine for Optimus Prime to be brutal. Moreover if you like this take? By all means keep liking it, that's totally awesome and fine. As I've said, I'm not here to rain on your parade nor am I just some nostalgia-blind geewunner who stupidly expects that a live-action film would have the same tone and execution as a Saturday Morning cartoon. My thing is I don't like this Prime or these Autobots because of a few reasons. The first is that they're a reflection of a big issue with Michael Bay's style which is that the film is all about the action first and foremost with the story existing purely to connect those action scenes together or at least that's what it feels like. For the record, Bay has explained before that when he was in talks about the first film, his first thoughts were on potential action scenes he could shoot and I feel when one keeps that in mind? So much of the choices in his TF films make sense at least in terms of why one might not like them and it's because a lot of the times, it feels like the content isn't written with the movie or specific characters in mind, it's more like the scene is planned and the character just gets slotted in which is why divorced from the context the fights can be spectacular. For example, the scene where Prime flies in with his jetpack and just starts cutting down Decepticons which includes him ripping Shockwave apart with basically robot brass knuckles? That's awesome! Visually it's a really cool scene to witness, same goes for Optimus pulling a Sub-Zero on Megatron and ripping his goddamn spine out. On its own, it's such a cool scene.

However, when I think about it in context and the fact it's Optimus Prime doing it along with some of his choices? It really starts to bother me and in part the reason why it bothers me is due to the framing of these actions and how the movie goes about trying to have its cake and eat it too. To me, what separates the Autobots and Decepticons is that while they're for the same goal which is preserving their race and Cybertron, they are fundamentally different at their cores. The Autobots are defenders, they kill when it's necessary but not out of any murderous desire or bloodthirsty pride with the few that do engage in this often being called out or being punished when it gets in the way of whatever goal they're trying to achieve. Optimus Prime is a character that believes freedom is the right of all sentient beings and fights for the rights of his people as well as those caught in the crossfire of their war. Basically they're the guys that if they kill? They do so while trying to cause the least amount of pain possible and are not butchers. The Decepticons meanwhile are the aggressors, Megatron is a tyrant who cares about Cybertron but he wants to rule it HIS way since his ideology is peace through tyranny. The Decepticons are the type to kill in cold blood, to torture and brutalize their foes and do not care about who gets in their way.

The idea behind it for the films seems to be as follows. The Autobots are as human as can be in terms of designs and are insanely brutal but the Decepticons in the sequels at this point have become slobbering overly spiky monsters with no personality and thus the brutality is justified since there's no way you can actually feel for anybody. Now kids can enjoy the sight of Prime engaging in cruelty during combat without those pesky feelings getting in the way. Now before anyone brings it up, I'm aware of the fan-theory put forward by Empire Wreckers on YouTube which completely reframes everything here with Optimus being less the altruistic hero and more a manipulative fascist while Megatron and the Decepticons are actually the good guys to a degree and as a theory it's cool. I also get the IDW tie-in comics tried to explore a bit of Prime's character and actually explain the violent tendencies but the thing is that those don't fix anything. In the case of the fan-theory? Not to sound like MatPat but it's JUST a theory. It doesn't fix the movie, it just adds potential layers to the discussion and unless that was outright confirmed to be what the filmmakers were going for? That's all it will ever be and in the case of the other? If I have to read a comic to understand a character in a movie? Your movie is broken. Supplemental material should always just be that, supplemental as in material that enhances one's consumption of the main media but isn't required. Honestly at this point it especially sucks because I genuinely think there is a route they could've taken with the storytelling here. Imagine if they actually went with the idea the war was getting to him, addressing the violence of the previous film and maybe Sentinel was used as a means to show who Optimus is at risk of becoming. They had a golden opportunity to take a mistake of the films and work some magic with it to make something impactful but they didn't take it.

Honestly the fact I dislike this one so much kind of bums me out. I will never forget and will always cherish the memories I have with this one but now every time I think about them my disdain for this movie creeps in.

Middling 5) Revenge of the Fallen

Let me just lay it out. ROTF is not a good movie. It's a giant mess with many plotpoints that make no sense, cases where the film seems to forget what it's a sequel to and tons of absolutely dull as dishwater action scenes that sans the Forest Battle and aspects of the Shanghai fight I really could care less about. However, this is also not entirely the fault of the crew and more the fault of circumstances. As I said before, ROTF was at the mercy of the 2008 Writer's Strike and a potential Director's Strike which was pretty standard for media of 2009. We saw tons of shows and movies suffer greatly during this time with issues ranging from the writing being rushed in multiple instances to fit deadlines or scenarios where people were basically working off of only a basic draft of the script that had to be quickly finalized and not only is ROTF no different? It's also one of the biggest poster boys for this whole situation and it's notable because in a way what happened with ROTF basically cemented the path TF would take going forward with its films, the details of which I covered earlier. As such it's kind of tricky for me to go super hard on this film, especially when in all honesty the pieces are there for something good and it does have quite a few bright spots. The music as always for the Bay films slaps, the vocal performances of the robots sans Skids and Mudflap are solid and for what action I can actually watch it's genuinely really good. In particular I noted the Forest Battle and I mean it because while there are lines and actions taken during that whole fight I really could care less about? The actual action is so good that it keeps my mind off it. Plus I always pump my fist when hearing Cullen's delivery of "I'LL TAKE YOU ALL ON!" which is insanely raw.

I also really like the additions it makes to the lore. In particular them deciding to use The Fallen while coming off as definitely weird considering the character was never eluded to in the previous film and their attempt to use him as the Palpatine to Megatron's Vader doesn't work super well? Tony Todd gives such a standout performance and his design is genuinely really cool. Plus it's just a treat to see characters like this who honestly I don't think anybody expected would get a film appearance. I also think in terms of robot designs I really like the variety we see here ranging from the Constructicons who all have a unique look and vibe to even stuff like Reedman who genuinely was a really cool concept that I hope to see brought back in other TF media. I also really like its portrayals of certain characters like Jetfire as the cranky war vet. Really this movie is not the worst it could be no matter how much the bad of this film really tries to make it so, especially with the Twins who... honestly get slightly too much hate seeing as how this franchise has bred characters far worse than them before and since this film. In terms of facial design? Absolutely Skids and Mudflap are fuck ugly to look at and their schtick really isn't funny but frankly I've seen far, FAR worse. I mean at least they're responsible for the moderately cool fight against Devastator and we do have a moment where Bumblebee puts them in their place. If anything they're just the most... Bay of the films.

There really isn't much to say on this movie that hasn't already been said and really it's because it doesn't provide much. I still come back to it every now and again because the action is genuinely that good and if nothing else, its Blu-Ray genuinely has some of the best special features of these films with it giving me my first glimpse at Leader Starscream which I never got to own and the music video for New Divide which was the first time I got to see what Linkin Park looked like that was not the cover of Hybrid Theory. It's also one of my top favorite LP songs so I at least have this film to thank for that.

4) Rise of the Beasts

I've made a full review on this and gone on at length in multiple places my opinions on this particular film so if you want to know my full thoughts? Just look around my account, you'll find them. That being said they are a little dated to a degree considering back then I really went hard on this movie despite claiming I overall didn't hate it. With that in mind? Let's clear this up.

ROTB is not a bad movie. In fact it being above ROTF should say a lot about that fact. I genuinely think as a piece of entertainment? This is a fun romp and one I have not minded sitting through. It has some really solid effects, a first act I really like especially with the character of Noah and his interactions with Mirage, I think the Terrorcons are a cool concept, this has some of the best robot designs in the whole series, some of the best action and a genuinely popping soundtrack. Oh yeah and every scene with the Maximals is really cool. I can honestly see how someone watching this would find it their favorite since there really is a lot to love. I mean for Primus's sake, I own the Yolopark model kit of Primal and plan on getting more, if I really hated this one I wouldn't get any merchandise.

However in terms of my personal thoughts especially as a hardcore TF fan? This is a very frustrating watch. I think if this came out before Bumblebee? This easily would be viewed more positively since we'd still be grading these on a curve and view its issues as more growing pains. But it's the follow-up to Bumblebee and as such, its issues stick out like the sorest of thumbs. For every single positive it carries over from Bumblebee, it brings over like two or three issues from the Bayverse. Like it's great that the robots have character... but Optimus Prime feels much more like the Prime of the films but more openly vindictive towards humans and in ways where when one knows what was taken from us with the deleted scenes doesn't feel all that developed and the villains are back to being genericons with barely any personality with the one that does having a death that's really underwhelming and way too fast. Noah's good as a protag which means he's better than Sam... but his partner is unnecessary and the expanded focus seems to solely be there to ape (HAH!) other cinematic universes and in typical fashion really misses the mark on what made a character like Charlie so good and those same tropes work in the successful cinematic universes. The fight scenes are amazing but we're back to dull colors for the baddies and generic armies over proper punch-ups between characters with personality. It's cool to see the BW characters but it is so obvious they are secondary in a film with a subtitle dedicated to them which already has a bloated plot that once again is a case where multiple movie ideas are crammed together with the modus operandi clearly being to stick in as many tributes to the Bayverse as humanly possible with some that work such as the actually cool inclusion of Arrival to Earth to ones that don't like Murder Prime's unwelcome return and the very boring MacGuffin hunt which is little more than a vehicle to take us to action scenes and for set up future films for a universe I don't care about.

ROTB could've been great if Paramount cared about making a good movie but as it is? They simply went "Wait, people like the more stylized designs that hue closer to G1 and fanservice? Yes, we've found a way to keep up this mess of a continuity." and as a result we get a film where you can blatantly tell that it is of two worlds, one of a creator's honestly cool vision for a TF movie that with a few tweaks could wind up great... and another of a studio who genuinely cannot understand that its audience is done with these movies and as a result everything becomes confused and I want to scream like Shia did for his last two TF films and for the record I hate feeling this way. When I see how others are absolutely revelling in the fun of it? I don't like being the sourpuss. I absolutely want to join in on spreading the love and can for a few elements but I'm nothing if not honest and sadly? While there's a lot I like about ROTB that puts it above the others? I can't bring myself to love it and every time I read more into this feature like how it came about by basically mashing two ideas together like we did with TLK? I'm left baffled and annoyed since it's this exact thinking that led to the bomb that was TLK.

3) Transformers: The Movie

To be fair, I feel kind of similarly about this one. I know people absolutely love this movie and honestly good on them for it, this has a lot of charm and importance to the brand and when compared to what would come after it often did stand out a bit more as a Transformers film that was fully about the Transformers and one that really feels like it's the cartoon given the big screen upgrade. It's where we were introduced to Unicron, where we got the extremely gutsy move to kill most of the characters that the cartoon heavily focused on, including a truly tearjerking death for Optimus that was backed by an epic final fight with Megatron and it introduced characters that later on would become some of my favorites. It also has a truly stellar soundtrack and at the very least is one that's never gonna leave me upset when I put it on for a casual watch.

However, this is a case where nostalgia and being compared to significantly crappier movies benefit this because when separated from them or compared to one particular movie? I feel this thing is only truly great for the first half-hour or so. Once that passes? Then it becomes a very bland story that I honestly could care less about where you can tell they are just trying to sell as many new toys in this product line as they possibly can and aside from the stuff involving Unicron and the Junkions? None of it is that memorable or interesting. Also I feel in retrospect it's hard to watch now knowing just how much the series cannot stop referencing or pulling elements from it even when it is not necessary. Case in point, if I never have to hear "One shall stand, one shall fall." again or see another Optimus death I'd be a much happier person because now instead of inspiring a cheeky grin it draws out a pained groan. Of course that's not completely the movie's fault but still. Again it's still not bad and there are a lot of points I like about it that put it above ROTB and others but overall? If it wasn't for that first half-hour, the music, animation and what it did for the brand this would easily drop down a bunch of spots.

2) Transformers 2007

Well... this is an odd one to watch now. As time has gone on, the cracks in this one really show which is a shame because the hype for this was real. In particular I remember going to the movies and seeing the Mars teaser and feeling like I was on the greatest sugar rush. I also remember the ads that'd play during Toonami's airing of Transformers Cybertron which would drive up my excitement even further and for the longest time I adored this movie. I even got to mess with the transforming DVD case they put out with one release where the disc tray folded out to become Optimus Prime. But upon rewatch? It's a movie that is very flawed with tons of cringe-inducing moments, stuff that even for 07 I am shocked flew still and has a lot of this series' worst bits like the shaky cam, the villains being generic and much more. In particular I was really surprised in a rewatch by just how much I didn't like Optimus. He's definitely not at his worst here but the many instances in which he seems to just not have any patience and his dialogue regarding Bumblebee after he got captured really didn't possess much of that robo-dad energy Optimus usually has and overall it made watching his scenes a little bit harder than normal while giving me the understanding that at the very least Murder Prime is a bit more consistent than I once thought. Also... I'm sorry but I don't really like the Decepticons here. Aside from Barricade, Starscream and Megatron, none of them really speak, the designs aside from Blackout, Brawl and Barricade really don't appeal to me with them really delving into the worst parts of the Bay aesthetic and most of them are really lacking in defined personalities. Finally the human stuff here is pretty bad, mostly when it comes to the comedy. The problem with Bay's humor is more often than not he comes across less like a grown adult and more a young child who still laughs when the word "penis" comes up in conversation and it really bleeds through to the human interactions since I don't think there are many people here in comedy scenes that act like human beings. The one joke I kind of laughed at was Frenzy dropping a "Oh shit." when his own weapons hit him but that's it. I otherwise was pretty stone-faced.

Also this movie is shockingly barren of really much in the way of defined character traits. Most of the details we hear are just dialogue expositing about a character's history with the only idea we have that this stuff was supposed to be important being that early script drafts had more showing these traits off which is pretty onbrand for a film like this. I mean why bother developing your characters when we've got action to film?

That being said? This is the closest these films have gotten to feeling like an actual movie and there's still a lot it does well. This is one of those instances where nostalgia does help to a degree but there's still a lot to genuinely be happy with. To start off with the smallest positive, Sam here feels like an actual human being. See one thing I've come to realize from watching all the movies is that in the first one, while the comedy is not great, the main human characters we follow at the actually feel like regular people. Sam in particular comes to mind since while he panics a lot in the same way several have mocked? It's really not too extreme with most of his traits reflecting that of a typical 17-year old male. He's awkward, he's not exactly physically strong, he has a bit of a mouth on him and Shia plays this very well. Really Sam is not bad in the first film and it's a miracle that so much good was pulled out of this material. It's the later entries that continuously flanderize him until eventually he winds up a parody of himself. And speaking of the humans? I like the elements we get here like Sector 7 and I really wish we could've seen this stuff be integrated into the wider canon.

The robots taking a bit of a backseat makes sense here, this is their introduction and for an intro? It's quite a great one. The opening scene with Blackout is still up there for me as the best Decepticon introduction in any Transformers media. It's chilling in its execution, properly demonstrates the sheer destructive might of these mechanical beings and also is a very good intro to this film's take on Transformers in both how they transform and their aesthetic which despite my negatives earlier? I'm gonna come out and say it, I really like the Bayverse aesthetic and Blackout as well as the Autobots show off how one can make this work. One big criticism that was thrown at the designs once we got past the usual Geewunner whinging was that they looked like walking scrap piles with shards hanging off them and that's true... for the concept art in which many of the robots did look very rough. For the finalized designs? Even the ones I don't like I can see a clear goal with the design. For as much as I love the simplicity of the G1 look or the design sensibilities of Beast Wars and the various anime? I understood the movie had to go for something different. We're talking a 2007 live-action film with CGI being made to revitalize the brand, a new aesthetic was necessary. Not only that but the robots needed to look distinctly alien while still keeping recognizable design cues. Now in some cases even for designs I like? It doesn't work the greatest like Megatron who I'm gonna be honest even with him being Cybertronian, the design is kind of just made out of knives and personally I've never been fond of when Transformers uses Cybertronian modes as an excuse to just do whatever, I much prefer when it's like say Transformers Animated or the High Moon games where we get distinct Cybertronian vehicles but in a lot of cases it works really well. In particular a special highlight needs to be given to Blackout. Back in G1, Blackout... was nobody. He was a Micromaster F1 racer with basically no character who only got attention in the text stories of Transformers Timelines. Nowadays? Ask a fan who Blackout is and they'll likely tell you he's the scary giant helicopter man from the Bayverse. The design rocks, he absolutely steals the show with the scene he's in and he looks properly alien while being identifiable as a Transformer and that's for a new character. For old favorites? Optimus Prime and Bumblebee in particular get two of the best designs. Say what you want about Bumblebee now having to be a sports car with stripes, I get the frustration but that came later. As designs, these rock, Bumblebee looks like what I'd want out of a small scout who can kick ass, Optimus looks physically imposing but also there's a gentleness to him. Yes he has flames which are silly but honestly with the explanations given and considering the looks Prime has had? I really like what they do for his truck and robot modes. Yes he has lips which... okay I will never like Prime with a mouth, I've made my peace with this fact, I will just never like it but it's really more a moment where I roll my eyes and move on. At the very least compared to other Prime mouths? This is my least hated look. Mainly because it's so expressive and when coupled with his eyes? It works to give Prime the ability to emote. I can honestly picture a kid being in trouble, the mouthplate coming down and his expression softening to comfort them and it working but mostly what I like about it is it's a design that captures all of what I'd want out of an Optimus design while still being its own thing. It also helps that even today the CG still holds up and the fact it only gets better from here is crazy to me.

Finally, the big action beats are exciting and when they hit, they really hit. The animation and choreography coupled with Jablonsky's genuinely iconic score work beautifully together. All in all? I can't hate this one. I have my many issues with it with more being brought up as I keep rewatching... but then What I've Done hits and I can't help but be brought right back to when I saw this in theaters and the positive memories rush back. It's not a great movie but it's definitely a good watch.

Best 1) Bumblebee

Spielberg said his idea for a TF film was basically E.T. if the alien was a giant robot. TF 2007 was kind of there but Bay's style among other things got in the way. Bumblebee though? This is exactly that idea made a reality and my god, it is wonderful. So for history, after TLK I was burned bad by this series. I was fully expecting Bumblebee to suck, I didn't care for the idea when it was announced prior to TLK, I was in a funk where I just was sick of the guy. I had my guard fully up. I did perk up a bit when it was announced that a new director and writer would be stepping in. Look, I've got no hate for Michael Bay whatsoever but like I said, it was clear he was out of it working on AOE and TLK, the man needed a break and I was so glad to see he got one but of course, that doesn't necessarily mean the film would be good. I mean we got new writers for TLK and we all know how that turned out...

Then the trailer came out, promotional material arrived and... I felt hope. It looked good, it actually looked really good. But I quickly steeled myself for the worst because to be fair, all the TF movies have great trailers, even TLK so Bumblebee joining that club too wasn't exactly good enough, the movie still had every chance to suck.

And from moment 1 with the Cybertron scene? I fell in love. Bumblebee is to me a great movie. It's not just a great TF movie, it's a great MOVIE. I know for some that's weird, especially since now I guess we're in the phase where we're all like "Well it wasn't that good.". With all due respect? Please be quiet and let me explain. Bumblebee felt like an honest-to-Primus bright light at the end of a very dark tunnel. After the garbagefire that was TLK? I thought in general we were screwed, doomed to keep getting movies with a director who is growing increasingly sick of his job which would lead to the quality dropping and dropping with us never being allowed to breathe because they will keep making bank. It's the movie that made me question if I was still a TF fan and frankly, it made me reevaluate my thoughts on all the other movies. Now to be fair, this did the same thing in terms of the latter portion but in a different way. This made me realize how much with the earlier movies that I was judging these things on a curve. How much I was looking for things to enjoy and latching onto those instead of enjoying the whole package. With Bumblebee? I love every moment. I love the robot aesthetics which strike the perfect balance between the Bayverse's more intricate segmented approach and the more classic styles of old-school Transformers, creating a look that's instantly appealing to me. I love the story which has heart and character, real plotpoints and more. Charlie is genuinely the best human character of this whole franchise and I will fight people on that. She strikes every balance that most of the other humans don't. She's relatable, she has a purpose to this story beyond the need for there to be a human and unlike characters like Noah or Sam? The movie knows when to get her out of the way of the robot content when she's not needed and when she is. The scene in which she breaks down to Bumblebee about her dad is genuinely one of the most touching moments of any Transformers film and that's another thing, this film's characters rock. Agent Burns? John Cena is kind of playing Peacemaker-lite here and it works so well. He's a human bad guy I can tolerate because he's such a fun character. The Decepticons? Shatter and Dropkick rock with great designs, personalities and voice acting with Angela Bassett in particular stealing the show as the former. Does it suck they kill Cliffjumper? Yes, yes it does but also what a scene to establish the menace these guys have and honestly dare I say it's a better Cliffjumper death than in Prime which... okay granted it's mostly because I feel Cliffjumper in Prime was just The Rock being The Rock and I've grown tired of that schtick but seriously, the way in which they manage to endear me to him for the few moments he's on-screen is impressive and above all? Bumblebee ROCKS.

This movie made me a fan of the character. I'll admit I've always liked Bumblebee but I've never really adored the guy, even as the movies went on. This movie though endeared me to him so much. He's just so adorable and emotive, that scene that's in the trailers where he transforms, sees Charlie and quickly hides in a corner brought a smile to even my jaded ass. This movie made me want to see more of him and this rebooted universe which unlike what the Bayverse became by the time we hit TLK felt like it had passion put into it and actually restrained. I mean holy crap, this movie is actually funny. I mean it's not extremely funny but it got laughs out of me. The fight scenes are also fantastic, matching the brutality of the Bayverse to a degree but in ways that feel creative and not horrific or mean-spirited. I mean this movie is just fun and for the record, it's great for more than just the Cybertron scenes. But while we're on the subject, I've seen the criticisms levied against these scenes as just being nostalgia-bait and not offering much to the movie but... okay first off, Jesus Christ do you have any idea how nice of a gift it was after years of the movies to be given moments on Cybertron where it feels almost like a cinematic version of the High Moon games? Next, I think they go right along with the vibe of Bumblebee and what it ultimately is. It's a breath of fresh air. It's an immediate demonstration we've hit the reset button and it's going for a whole new vibe that I think if we were to stick to for future films? We'd honestly get a really damn solid TF series and I want that. Seriously, I want that. I want a Transformers series that can stand alongside the MCU and MonsterVerse as films I'm actively excited to keep going to. But if we can't? I'm at least happy we got this one.

Thanks for reading, hope you all have a great day and that you'll stay gold.

Description
Well... it's much sooner than I expected. Just one year after the release of Rise of the Beasts and assuming no major delays occur, the Robots in Disguise are set to take the silver screen once again with Transformers One. A theatrically released animated Transformers film, the first time we've seen one of those since 1986. It's a prequel story to the movie continuity that will focus on the friendship between Orion Pax and D-16 and how they became Optimus and Megatron respectively. Will it be good?

Well I certainly hope it will be. Either way, I'm still gonna own the Blu-Ray and promptly rewatch it copious amounts. Anyways, I thought I'd do a few special things for the occasion and periodically (Because I'm gonna spend quite a bit of time on a Kaiju film marathon) do some TF stuff to herald its arrival to kick this off? I feel there's no better time for my personal ranking of all theatrically released Transformers films from worst to best and considering you can see the tiers already... ooh boy this is likely to ruffle a few feathers because in the years since 2007? Discussion of TF films has changed significantly. Of course this is expected since we're entering the years where those who have grown up with these movies now effectively have a seat at the discourse table. Less and less seats are being taken up by older fans and curmudgeons who still haven't accepted they are a slave to their nostalgia and they'd be a much happier person if they just left the franchise and instead are being taken up by a younger, more spritely lot, groups of people who really don't care about the fun yet goofy as hell toy commercial that was the 80s cartoon or that Optimus was once a flat nose cab and now was a long nosed one with flames. These are people who grew up with the movies being their Transformers, their gateway to the franchise.

And that's awesome! However with that comes reconciling with the past a little bit because looking back on the discourse surrounding the movies and comparing it to now? It really has not been pleasant with us basically to a degree treating the Bay films the same way we treated the Star Wars prequels. Whether it was toxic fans overreacting so much to the leaked designs of the first film they sent death threats to Michael Bay himself (Friggin' seriously.) to the usual insults being flung whenever someone expressed enjoyment to of course getting crapped on by faux intellectuals who really are in such desperate need of a purpose that harsh critic reviews that vaguely align with their opinions are held up as gospel and justification to shit on anyone for refuting the so-called "objective truth" so naturally some fans have a tendency to get defensive when faced with criticism not necessarily because they can't handle negativity but rather the internet has basically trained them to do so. As such, we need to begin by making one detail as clear as day.

If you love the films I don't? Keep on loving them, you are not wrong for doing so and I'm glad you do. My personal philosophy in regards to the idea of subjectivity and objectivity is that unless we are talking more grave issues such as human rights? There's ALWAYS subjectivity. What we like is just what we like and if what you like is being criticized? That's not a slight against you as a person nor is it an attempt to invalidate your love of the thing, it's a simple expression of opinion about art and media and whoever doesn't think that and is instead attacking you because you don't share those same thoughts? Fuck 'em. In fact, don't let those guys inhabit your brain space, it's not worth letting yourself be riled or bummed over such sad strange people.

I also want to make this clear that I am not a geewunner or nor am I a dude who watched some review that totally reshaped my everything. The original cartoon was before my time with most of my love coming from these movies and the Unicron Trilogy. I've also had experience in fandoms that can be just as intolerant and stuck in the past as what I've experienced with this series. My points are not coming from some jaded bitter person who yearns for the good old days and shuns everyone who doesn't agree. I'm just a guy with opinions I want to share. With that in mind? Let's get a move on.

Worst 8) The Last Knight

There really is no other place this can go. In retrospect, the last two Bay-led films were kind of oddballs and remind me of latter seasons Family Guy.

No this is not a meme, trust me you'll get the point when I explain it. See with that cartoon, creator Seth MacFarlane had made it clear time and time again that he's as spent as you can be working on the show and that he has at many points yearned for it to finally end but because it's such a moneymaker for Fox? They've basically ensured it's never gonna end by continuously paying Seth quite a bit to keep him on and as such, it's really not optimal to say no, especially when one can take advantage of the situation to basically keep being able to eat and live comfortably while also being able to pitch and work on new ideas that otherwise wouldn't be possible without the clout.

The TF films were basically in the same boat. As far as Bay was concerned? DOTM was it. Hell before that, it was clear '07 was it and it was apparent in the film's ending. Every Decepticon is dead, Cybertron is destroyed, Sam's getting married, it's honestly the most conclusive end you could have so really there never should've been a fourth. However, sometimes the call of the green is simply too great, especially with DOTM walking out of the box office with a hefty billion for its troubles and as such? Paramount promptly backed a dumptruck full of money into Bay's driveway. With that, we got AOE which at least at the time seemed like it was a step in the right direction. While the plot still centered around a Cybertronian artifact to a degree it really wasn't that big of a focus. We had an interesting concept going with Cemetary Wind and a genuinely solid human villain in Harold Attinger who was backed up by Lockdown who was so cool to see with this and Bulkhead's appearance in Prime cementing just how good Animated was in expanding the horizons of the series. Mark Wahlberg's Cade Yeager while not being great was still better than Sam Witwicky and it felt like there was a push to focus more on the robots. If they simply kept this focus up? TLK was destined to be a real banger and for the record, it all seemed like that would be the case with the fact we FINALLY were free of Ehren Krueger, a writer who while talented has a severe tendency to rest on his laurels and repeat stories and were instead saddled with the writers behind the first Iron Man and when coupled with some truly cool trailers and the news that we have a Transformers writers room actively planning things out? All the pieces were in place.

Though in hindsight? The writers room should've been a red flag that something was amiss but we're getting ahead of ourselves. Finally we got TLK in June of 2017, I had the privilege to see one of those day earlier screenings and what we're left with is one DISMAL experience of a film. To start off, just about every improvement made with AOE has basically been tossed by the wayside. The robots are accessories and side-characters in their own film, the plot is back to being about yet another MacGuffin with more unknown history about Cybertron and the Transformers being on Earth before 2007 that overcomplicates and clutters things to the extreme, Quintessa is a terrible boring villain that really only serves as sequel bait and a means of taking Prime out of most of the movie and then there's Unicron... who doesn't appear whatsoever beyond a horn. But hey, at least we got a tease for future films and if all their announcements were true? This would've led to the Hasbro shared universe and...

Look, I totally understand there are people out there who are disappointed that this idea did not happen. I mean it's hard not to be disappointed when your mind runs wild on what a Hasbro shared universe could actually entail in terms of fun times at the movies and if they were all teaming up to square off against Unicron, that's certainly something. However, the thing about constructing a universe and why time and time and time again we see movie studios continuing to fail while only a handful have succeeded is that setting up a universe takes time, patience and most importantly the right focus, You need to make sure that you have a good movie first to serve as your foundation and keep making good movies so that people actively care when they come together and that's where TLK really stumbles. We've been lucky over the years to learn of how production on this film was a bit of a mess. For instance, this movie has scenes that tie the Transformers into Arthurian lore (Which is revealed to be actually real but with the magic really being derived from Cybertronian tech.) as well as WWII. Originally these ideas were intended to be used in two separate movies but a choice was made to merge them together and with what they had for AOE's sequel which okay isn't the worst idea on paper, especially if you have a film meaty enough to contain both.

Unfortunately the one complaint Paramount seemed to care the most about addressing was all of the ones about AOE being way too long, a criticism I agreed with but more in the sense that while I was at the time invested in all the action and story beats, I felt these beats were stretched out a bit whereas if it was trimmed just a tad? It could be tightened up into what would've been at the time the best of these movies. Of course I also think this because while I am not a film editor, I had watched special features on the topic and knew that a film is made or broken in the final edit and that a good edit takes careful consideration over what scenes get cut and which ones don't. Whatever process this went through promptly laughed at that idea since they hacked this already cluttered film to the bone and in ways that feel senseless, resulting in a film that at times I legit cannot follow and when it's not doing that? It's nauseating me since this film also has near constant aspect ratio shifts. Here's the thing, I personally don't care for IMAX versions of films, to me if they filmed a scene in IMAX and there's more picture to see? I don't care unless the film was made entirely with IMAX and is one consistent resolution or it transitions to reveal the full picture because more often than not? The shifting of the aspect ratio is distracting to me with this film being the worst about it because Bay usually likes to shoot scenes with different types of cameras and while the other films whether you're watching on home media or in theaters don't have shifting aspect ratios? This film on the other hand does and since it's hacked to the bone? This thing is almost constantly shifting in-between cuts of the same action scene it is that obnoxious with it actively taking away from the few good moments. Case in point? I can't even enjoy the action in this one.

Then there's the matter of the characters where aside from Megatron and to a degree Bumblebee and Cogman? I don't care for anyone. Cade's been through a radical shift in his character that has dialed up the asshole and has made him very unlikable in most scenes, Izabella is such a poor attempt at aping Rey from the at the time fresh Force Awakens that I'm shocked they didn't go the full nine yards and say that she's got special Cybertronian powers. British Mikaela AKA Vivian I continuously forget is even in this movie and we have Anthony Hopkins playing a dude who I can barely remember doing an act that honestly feels like it was thrown in just because someone thought it'd be funny to have Anthony Hopkins say "dickhead" and although he's not in the movie much? There's Mohawk who is the ugliest fucking thing on that never should've been created, offers nothing of value and frankly the fact he didn't die and is eternally a talking severed head is too good for him. Then there's the big truck shaped elephant in the room known as Optimus Prime who is barely in this movie and when he is? It's to act as Nemesis Prime and hearing that name out loud made me cringe in the theaters since you ask me? Nemesis Prime whenever you try to make him a character has only truly worked three times for me. The first is in RiD 2001 where he was known as Scourge, the next is Prime where he was MECH's copy of Optimus and finally in IDW where he's basically what Nova became. Otherwise, it's just something to slap onto the black repaints to justify their existence and making him anything more really shows the problems that lay beneath the surface and in this film, it only raises questions about the red mark on Megatron's face, he barely shows up and then he's turned back super quickly so that Cade Yeager can flash his big action movie penis by showing he can wield this ancient Cybertronian sword and how British Mikaela is the only one who can use Merlin's staff or whatever and he gets to spout some very terrible posturing one-liners because the movie seemed to just forget how to portray Optimus.

This was the TF film to make me rethink if I even was a fan of this franchise anymore I found it to be that bad. It is a miserable slog to trudge through and one that I never will watch again... well unless I want to review the whole series but even then the thought of having to rewatch this thing again is enough to turn me off it. Despite being a great bit shorter than AOE? It somehow feels like it drags on for even longer to where by the time I get to the final battle I'm desperate for this thing to just end. TLK is easily the worst of these movies and honestly for me at least it was the worst film of 2017, not because it truly was the worst constructed but rather when the film ended? I was not in a pleasant mood and no other film really managed to make me feel that way.

7) Age of Extinction

The first of what was supposed to not only be a brand new trilogy but also what was supposed to jumpstart a whole new cinematic universe. Age of Extinction was in a way a kind of soft reboot of the franchise. While it still clearly continued off the end of DOTM a lot of time has passed and with the plot dealing with the Autobots being hunted by the military group Cemetary Wind? It means we're dealing with a whole new status quo and also a whole new cast of humans and brand new designs for two returning surviving Autobots of Bumblebee and Optimus. Along with that, we'd also get some very interesting lore for the series and some cool new ideas like Transformium which lame name and the fact it's there to cheat transformations aside honestly led to some of the film's most creative sequences, especially the highway chase with Galvatron when he breaks apart like a dude in a Lego game to dodge an attack and reforms quickly afterwards. For years this would be regarded by me as the best TF sequel with a very interesting plot, a focus on the robots that was more than welcome, a very interesting direction for the character of Optimus, humans that again weren't great but still a step up from Sam, great action and of course, LIVE-ACTION DINOBOTS!

Upon my most recent rewatch, I'm sad to say that the only elements that have held up are the new robot designs, action, music and Dinobot sequences. To be honest, if the first half-hour didn't exist? This would possibly go below TLK but that's only by a slight margin. AOE can be best summed up by one word.

Hateful. This film is hateful towards its existence, the audience, studio and the franchise and before anyone tries it? No, this is not me being a disgruntled Geewunner nor is it me trying to pin all the blame on Michael Bay or imply some personal vendetta, I've lived through witnessing that from 2007 through 2017 and I still see it an uncomfortable amount of times today and if you don't mind me including a side-note? I think that kind of behavior is immature at best and at worst one of the most embarrassing lines of thinking one can ever go down. You want to trash the movies? Do so but keep your focus purely on the product and not on the people. As far as I'm aware, aside from questionable behavior like making Megan Fox wash his car, Bay has not done anything that I would call evil. He just directed some movies that not everyone likes. He does not hate you or TF fans in general (Though I have the sneaking suspicion he did not appreciate the death threats being sent his way after designs for the first film leaked like any normal person.), he doesn't even know you exist specifically. So bear in mind that when I say that the film is "hateful"? I mean it only in terms of what it presents and am not trying to imply any ulterior motives from the crew who to be honest I feel sympathy for. You could tell at this point Michael Bay just wanted to be done making these films. I mean by this point with every interview he gave back when the idea of a TF4 seemed like an impossibility? He would not hesitate to state how done he was working on giant robot films and really, Paramount easily could've sprung for a new director, maybe even someone who could be mentored by Bay if they still wanted his influence present but seemingly both they and Hasbro seemed to be of the belief he had to be the guy to do it and thus he kept getting the dumptruck of money until the financial failure of TLK basically forced their hand.

Of course the problem with this method is that money can't necessarily buy investment and when watching AOE? I could feel Bay's heart just really wasn't in it anymore. As soon as the first half-hour ends? AOE takes every single good idea it has and either squanders them, doesn't realize it was done better in another piece of media or it throws out fifty bad ideas. For instance, Lockdown is actually a cool character in Animated and his other appearances and bringing him into AOE as a means of expanding the universe and giving us a proper central villain who's active in the plot is cool to see. Unfortunately, the Lockdown we witness is not the interesting badass bounty hunter from Animated. Rather he's Genericus McGunface with no personality outside of his face becoming a gun and a design that while cool especially when rendered by the right toy and/or lighting in the film looks remarkably plain compared to his Animated appearance or hell the moviefied version of that look we got in the ROTF toyline. Otherwise? Look I love Mark Ryan's portrayal of the character and I think it's really cool that ever since Bumblebee was permanently relegated to just being the mute dude who speaks with the radio he actually gets a chance to act but this material is not doing him any favors. Moving on, the TFs being hunted by humans is interesting but it's done infinitely better in the comics. Optimus being jaded and feeling no desire to help the humans because of our self-destructive tendencies and while we are hunting down and slaughtering his people? That would be interesting... IF the Optimus of this film didn't already show how callous he could be by faking his death in the previous film and letting several humans die basically to teach us a lesson about how the Decepticons will never leave Earth alone and how excessively brutal and violent he can be, an issue I will get into more when it's significantly more relevant but until then, basically the contrast isn't really there to make this feel like a drastic shift. The Dinobots? Don't get me wrong, every scene involving them is sick and I actually quite like their designs, especially their toy colors where Hasbro opted to basically color these dudes like Zords but even the very subdued look is cool. That being said they are barely in the movie, have basically no personality beyond Optimus telling us that they're great knights and they don't even get named or speak. The Autobots have personality and are given a good deal of focus which is good.

But that hardly matters when these guys are so spiteful, angry and aggressive, not at all fitting how an Autobot should behave. I know that's due to the film's plot and I'm certainly not asking for anyone to be jovial when they're being hunted down and slaughtered by those they once protected like wild animals but really when I look back on the film, I realized aside from Hound and the guys who have been here since the first movie I really don't know or care about anyone else and even then the case with Hound is just me digging John Goodman since otherwise this guy really doesn't appeal to me. Drift is a huge waste of Ken Watanabe's talents that takes a character who I actually liked the idea of in the comics and leans in hard on the stuff others didn't care for like the cribbing from Japanese culture that while feeling significantly less weeby still are distracting especially with his design and when it's not doing that it's giving him the personality of "This guy claims to be all zen but really he's kind of an unhinged psycho." which really doesn't feel right and Crosshairs... man this dude I just can't with. While design-wise he's one of my favorites and I really like the idea generally of taking character names who to be frank weren't attached to anybody that interesting and giving it to someone who has the potential to be? I really don't like this character since once again, he's kind of just a violent dick and in ways that tell me he kind of was always like that which when put together makes for an Autobot team that really isn't enjoyable to watch and for the record the humans aren't much better. Remember how I once said Cade at least beat out Sam? Well upon a rewatch, I found that while I liked Cade in the beginning okay? Gradually the mask slipped more and more until eventually I just gotta come clean and say it, Cade Yeager's just an asshole and in many ways he makes me appreciate Sam at least in his early outing and the other human characters aren't much better. His buddy from the beginning is just T.J. Miller playing the character type he tended to play a lot, Tessa is just there and seems to only exist for a series of unfunny teenager jokes and moments where the camera salivates over a character that's underage which just fills me with all sorts of ick and also makes me feel more than a little bad for her actress considering her most notable role before this was Katara in The Last Airbender which... ouch. Then there's Shane whose only traits are that he drives, he's Irish for the sake of several unfunny "Lucky Charms" quips by Cade and that Romeo and Juliet scene that by this point might as well be a meme for how often it's torn apart and how it even got to the point where there's a little note on it when you watch it on Amazon Prime that fact-checks what Shane's saying and as for the villains? Attinger and Savoy have potential but they really don't have anything going for them. Their backstory? Aside from Savoy just saying he had a sister in Chicago at the time of the attack in DOTM which is badly handled in general because it's just told to us with there being nothing shown there is nothing. Motivation? Seemingly just they hate the Transformers and nothing more. The performances really are the only thing saving them from being complete nothing characters which I can't even feel bothered to pay attention to when the film is as obnoxiously long as it is, especially when unlike some long movies, it's so LUDICROUSLY padded and stretched out that by the time we hit the midpoint of the second act I find it hard to even care and the film really doesn't feel like it does either with its blatantly obvious continuity mistakes such as the repeatedly changing times of day and big emotional moments that should feel important being speedran through quick conversations which tell me this movie more than ever is only interested in getting from one fight scene to the next.

AOE is a frustrating slog to sit through. Honestly, both this and TLK are pretty interchangeable in terms of how awful they actually are but what saves AOE is that first half-hour which genuinely is solid if deeply flawed stuff. I really think if this movie's base idea was given to a crew that wasn't ultra burned out that we could've gotten a truly great film because there's a lot here I genuinely like and still feel in hindsight was a step in the right direction that the franchise needed after DOTM. With TLK? I genuinely get no enjoyment out of it with every time I've watched it leaving me feeling exhausted and without a shred of care. With AOE? I see the seeds for something great, I have moments that still make me smile and at the very least a good memory associated with it from when I went to this film's midnight release and then seeing it multiple times in 2D and one time in 3D which I can't even say is present for TLK. However, when I take everything else into account especially after my recent rewatch? I'm nothing if not brutally honest and so I've got to just say that AOE is still really bad and that I am definitely not gonna be rewatching it any time soon. I'll gladly stick to just watching the film's best fights on YouTube and leaving it there.

6) Dark of the Moon

Ah DOTM, this one I have some particularly great memories of and seemingly judging from the many posts I've seen where people have basically been showering appreciation on the Bay films? This is one that gets talked about the most I feel and really it's not hard to see why. At the time, this was meant as the grand finale of the series and was released when we were still very much riding off the high of this franchise's grand return. At this point, Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman had well moved on to greater pastures creating the series of Transformers Prime which premiered towards the end of the 2010s, a few months before that we got the fantastic War for Cybertron from High Moon Studios and Japan was about to be graced with the beauty that was Transformers Animated which would bring with it slick metallic decos for the toyline there plus characters that were once doomed to be cancelled like Blackout getting a proper release and the ROTF toyline would gradually morph and lay the foundations for what we'd come to know as the Generations line which gave us tons of bangers in the toy department from updates on old classics to really cool movie takes on characters from throughout the franchise, basically we Transformers fans were dining like royalty and thus interest in DOTM was high overall, especially since with this film not being at the mercy of a strike like the previous was it meant there was a chance for this movie to receive a lot of the polish that ROTF straight-up couldn't get and from what the trailers showed where we were promised Sentinel Prime, a proper Decepticon invasion of Earth, Shockwave and an intriguing premise that would involve the space race to some degree? This appeared to be shaping up to be something great and honestly upon rewatch? This does have some real cool ideas and it does some stuff really well. The action is exciting, the designs of the robots for the most part are really cool and interesting, we got some real cool takes on classic G1 hallmarks like Prime's Combat Deck, a really solid villain in Sentinel Prime where props must be shown to the crew since I could not have predicted this whatsoever as someone not following leaks and a commendably definitive ending that in this current age of films trying to be one massive ongoing franchise is especially refreshing to see and really as the end of a trilogy it works very well.

However? Good ideas and good execution on some elements doesn't necessarily make for a great film. See while I think DOTM has a lot of good elements and ideas? The actual movie itself is kind of blah. This is where we'd learn of a particularly sad truth in regards to this series and it all starts with its previous entry. While I'm definitely gonna go into it a bit more when talking about it specifically? ROTF like I said earlier was hampered because of a strike and most specifically, the 2007-08 Writer's Strike as well as a potential Director's Guild and SAG strike. As a result, the film's development process was noticeably much more rushed than what was seen with the first and was done with significantly less oversight. In particular, there was no finished script, what Bay had was a treatment that he later adjusted into a "scriptment" to work off of with the screenplay being finished by Kruger, Orci and Kurtzman in a few months while staying in hotel rooms. The result of this was that ROTF was basically the most Michael Bay TF film you were gonna get at the time. It was much more violent, far more sexually charged and significantly more juvenile...

It also was the fourth highest grossing film of 2009 and easily surpassed the first and had a toyline so successful it continued years after the film's release with the same branding and so you can see where this is going. DOTM as a whole basically ends up as a slightly more coherent version of what this series has done before with ROTF which means its story is still a weaker version of what we got in the first film. Now don't get me wrong, this is not inherently bad, after all quite a few series have tried and true formulas that they use to great effect but the problem is that because of the nature of these films and Bay's style of filmmaking is that the end result is a series that unless you're actively remembering characters or what Linkin Park song was used blends together. It also means that many of the elements that hurt the previous film are present such as the comedy and the continued flanderization of Sam. Seriously the whole montage where Sam is at different job interviews and really just everything that has to deal with him and his job are some of the most cringe-inducing moments these films have provided and this is a film series that showed me John Turturro's ass and had Bumblebee pee on a guy. It really comes across to me like what Bay finds the most funny or thinks kids will find funny is people simply being loud, aggressive and kind of crass without anyone sitting him down to suggest maybe other approaches to the comedy which results in not just these cringe-inducing scenes but I also feel this is really what cements the hatred of humans for most Transformers fans. See at the time of G1 and even the imported anime like RiD 2001 and the Unicron Trilogy, we didn't necessarily like the humans in those series but it was understood why they had to be there. Aside from I think Kicker in Energon and some side-characters in Armada, we didn't really have an immense disdain for them and in some cases the humans were actually quite liked. The movies I feel changed this perception by virtue of just how long they make us spend with these humans who just so happen to be the worst out of the entire series and because they're so successful? It meant there was inevitably a focus on aping these ideas which meant in series like Prime and even Sari to a degree with early Animated we got these overly exaggerated cartoon characters that at many points came off as more annoying than endearing, hence why now there is more of a desire than ever to see TF media where there are no humans present at all and DOTM is where this hits its absolute fever pitch due in no small part to the fact we thought with more time we'd be done with this but as it is? The only characters I can say didn't give me a migraine on the human side was the military dudes who were only guilty of being boring, Patrick Dempsey who looks like he's having fun at least being a human bad guy and Carly who is so blatantly just a "Ctrl+F, Ctrl+V" of all instances of Mikaela that the only feeling she illicits from me is disappointment since a Sam living alone and jaded likely would've been a much better reason for his whole "I should be out there helping the Autobots." thing he goes through and because she really is a nothing character played by someone who I'm sure is very nice and just unfortunately was saddled with material that was hastily reworked to include her with some unnecessary jabs thrown in at Fox for good measure such as how it's now canon to the story that she left her freaking dog with Sam apparently in the break-up which feels just so wrong.

Then again, that's a word I end up using a lot for this film because unfortunately? A lot of the seeds for the next two films are planted here and seeds we saw in previous films have grown into horrible disgusting sprouts. For one thing? I really don't care for many of the new robots. Dino's cool to a degree but he barely has a personality and is seemingly only shown being aggressive, the Wreckers while being such a neat idea barely have character aside from bickering with each other and being violent such as when they ripped a Decepticon to pieces, Que's... actually pretty alright aside from a really bad design but he gets killed so I don't find myself caring, the surviving Autobots from the previous movie get basically no development and finally we get Optimus Prime who does get an awesome moment where he meets Buzz Aldrin and a moment where he basically admits he intentionally let the Decepticons attack and kill humans just to teach us a lesson about how stupid it'd be to send them away, he declares that the Autobots will kill all the Decepticons and he brutalizes Shockwave, Megatron and Sentinel in such a horrific manner that now I feel it's important to address one of the many common criticisms of this iteration of the character and really just the Autobot portrayal in general. Now just so we're clear, I do have a DeviantArt post covering this so if you want to read more of my thoughts then please take a look at this link . If you're done or you're still here, if you'll let me I'd like to lay out why I have issues with this in particular.

And first, let me be clear that it is totally fine for Optimus Prime to be brutal. Moreover if you like this take? By all means keep liking it, that's totally awesome and fine. As I've said, I'm not here to rain on your parade nor am I just some nostalgia-blind geewunner who stupidly expects that a live-action film would have the same tone and execution as a Saturday Morning cartoon. My thing is I don't like this Prime or these Autobots because of a few reasons. The first is that they're a reflection of a big issue with Michael Bay's style which is that the film is all about the action first and foremost with the story existing purely to connect those action scenes together or at least that's what it feels like. For the record, Bay has explained before that when he was in talks about the first film, his first thoughts were on potential action scenes he could shoot and I feel when one keeps that in mind? So much of the choices in his TF films make sense at least in terms of why one might not like them and it's because a lot of the times, it feels like the content isn't written with the movie or specific characters in mind, it's more like the scene is planned and the character just gets slotted in which is why divorced from the context the fights can be spectacular. For example, the scene where Prime flies in with his jetpack and just starts cutting down Decepticons which includes him ripping Shockwave apart with basically robot brass knuckles? That's awesome! Visually it's a really cool scene to witness, same goes for Optimus pulling a Sub-Zero on Megatron and ripping his goddamn spine out. On its own, it's such a cool scene.

However, when I think about it in context and the fact it's Optimus Prime doing it along with some of his choices? It really starts to bother me and in part the reason why it bothers me is due to the framing of these actions and how the movie goes about trying to have its cake and eat it too. To me, what separates the Autobots and Decepticons is that while they're for the same goal which is preserving their race and Cybertron, they are fundamentally different at their cores. The Autobots are defenders, they kill when it's necessary but not out of any murderous desire or bloodthirsty pride with the few that do engage in this often being called out or being punished when it gets in the way of whatever goal they're trying to achieve. Optimus Prime is a character that believes freedom is the right of all sentient beings and fights for the rights of his people as well as those caught in the crossfire of their war. Basically they're the guys that if they kill? They do so while trying to cause the least amount of pain possible and are not butchers. The Decepticons meanwhile are the aggressors, Megatron is a tyrant who cares about Cybertron but he wants to rule it HIS way since his ideology is peace through tyranny. The Decepticons are the type to kill in cold blood, to torture and brutalize their foes and do not care about who gets in their way.

The idea behind it for the films seems to be as follows. The Autobots are as human as can be in terms of designs and are insanely brutal but the Decepticons in the sequels at this point have become slobbering overly spiky monsters with no personality and thus the brutality is justified since there's no way you can actually feel for anybody. Now kids can enjoy the sight of Prime engaging in cruelty during combat without those pesky feelings getting in the way. Now before anyone brings it up, I'm aware of the fan-theory put forward by Empire Wreckers on YouTube which completely reframes everything here with Optimus being less the altruistic hero and more a manipulative fascist while Megatron and the Decepticons are actually the good guys to a degree and as a theory it's cool. I also get the IDW tie-in comics tried to explore a bit of Prime's character and actually explain the violent tendencies but the thing is that those don't fix anything. In the case of the fan-theory? Not to sound like MatPat but it's JUST a theory. It doesn't fix the movie, it just adds potential layers to the discussion and unless that was outright confirmed to be what the filmmakers were going for? That's all it will ever be and in the case of the other? If I have to read a comic to understand a character in a movie? Your movie is broken. Supplemental material should always just be that, supplemental as in material that enhances one's consumption of the main media but isn't required. Honestly at this point it especially sucks because I genuinely think there is a route they could've taken with the storytelling here. Imagine if they actually went with the idea the war was getting to him, addressing the violence of the previous film and maybe Sentinel was used as a means to show who Optimus is at risk of becoming. They had a golden opportunity to take a mistake of the films and work some magic with it to make something impactful but they didn't take it.

Honestly the fact I dislike this one so much kind of bums me out. I will never forget and will always cherish the memories I have with this one but now every time I think about them my disdain for this movie creeps in.

Middling 5) Revenge of the Fallen

Let me just lay it out. ROTF is not a good movie. It's a giant mess with many plotpoints that make no sense, cases where the film seems to forget what it's a sequel to and tons of absolutely dull as dishwater action scenes that sans the Forest Battle and aspects of the Shanghai fight I really could care less about. However, this is also not entirely the fault of the crew and more the fault of circumstances. As I said before, ROTF was at the mercy of the 2008 Writer's Strike and a potential Director's Strike which was pretty standard for media of 2009. We saw tons of shows and movies suffer greatly during this time with issues ranging from the writing being rushed in multiple instances to fit deadlines or scenarios where people were basically working off of only a basic draft of the script that had to be quickly finalized and not only is ROTF no different? It's also one of the biggest poster boys for this whole situation and it's notable because in a way what happened with ROTF basically cemented the path TF would take going forward with its films, the details of which I covered earlier. As such it's kind of tricky for me to go super hard on this film, especially when in all honesty the pieces are there for something good and it does have quite a few bright spots. The music as always for the Bay films slaps, the vocal performances of the robots sans Skids and Mudflap are solid and for what action I can actually watch it's genuinely really good. In particular I noted the Forest Battle and I mean it because while there are lines and actions taken during that whole fight I really could care less about? The actual action is so good that it keeps my mind off it. Plus I always pump my fist when hearing Cullen's delivery of "I'LL TAKE YOU ALL ON!" which is insanely raw.

I also really like the additions it makes to the lore. In particular them deciding to use The Fallen while coming off as definitely weird considering the character was never eluded to in the previous film and their attempt to use him as the Palpatine to Megatron's Vader doesn't work super well? Tony Todd gives such a standout performance and his design is genuinely really cool. Plus it's just a treat to see characters like this who honestly I don't think anybody expected would get a film appearance. I also think in terms of robot designs I really like the variety we see here ranging from the Constructicons who all have a unique look and vibe to even stuff like Reedman who genuinely was a really cool concept that I hope to see brought back in other TF media. I also really like its portrayals of certain characters like Jetfire as the cranky war vet. Really this movie is not the worst it could be no matter how much the bad of this film really tries to make it so, especially with the Twins who... honestly get slightly too much hate seeing as how this franchise has bred characters far worse than them before and since this film. In terms of facial design? Absolutely Skids and Mudflap are fuck ugly to look at and their schtick really isn't funny but frankly I've seen far, FAR worse. I mean at least they're responsible for the moderately cool fight against Devastator and we do have a moment where Bumblebee puts them in their place. If anything they're just the most... Bay of the films.

There really isn't much to say on this movie that hasn't already been said and really it's because it doesn't provide much. I still come back to it every now and again because the action is genuinely that good and if nothing else, its Blu-Ray genuinely has some of the best special features of these films with it giving me my first glimpse at Leader Starscream which I never got to own and the music video for New Divide which was the first time I got to see what Linkin Park looked like that was not the cover of Hybrid Theory. It's also one of my top favorite LP songs so I at least have this film to thank for that.

4) Rise of the Beasts

I've made a full review on this and gone on at length in multiple places my opinions on this particular film so if you want to know my full thoughts? Just look around my account, you'll find them. That being said they are a little dated to a degree considering back then I really went hard on this movie despite claiming I overall didn't hate it. With that in mind? Let's clear this up.

ROTB is not a bad movie. In fact it being above ROTF should say a lot about that fact. I genuinely think as a piece of entertainment? This is a fun romp and one I have not minded sitting through. It has some really solid effects, a first act I really like especially with the character of Noah and his interactions with Mirage, I think the Terrorcons are a cool concept, this has some of the best robot designs in the whole series, some of the best action and a genuinely popping soundtrack. Oh yeah and every scene with the Maximals is really cool. I can honestly see how someone watching this would find it their favorite since there really is a lot to love. I mean for Primus's sake, I own the Yolopark model kit of Primal and plan on getting more, if I really hated this one I wouldn't get any merchandise.

However in terms of my personal thoughts especially as a hardcore TF fan? This is a very frustrating watch. I think if this came out before Bumblebee? This easily would be viewed more positively since we'd still be grading these on a curve and view its issues as more growing pains. But it's the follow-up to Bumblebee and as such, its issues stick out like the sorest of thumbs. For every single positive it carries over from Bumblebee, it brings over like two or three issues from the Bayverse. Like it's great that the robots have character... but Optimus Prime feels much more like the Prime of the films but more openly vindictive towards humans and in ways where when one knows what was taken from us with the deleted scenes doesn't feel all that developed and the villains are back to being genericons with barely any personality with the one that does having a death that's really underwhelming and way too fast. Noah's good as a protag which means he's better than Sam... but his partner is unnecessary and the expanded focus seems to solely be there to ape (HAH!) other cinematic universes and in typical fashion really misses the mark on what made a character like Charlie so good and those same tropes work in the successful cinematic universes. The fight scenes are amazing but we're back to dull colors for the baddies and generic armies over proper punch-ups between characters with personality. It's cool to see the BW characters but it is so obvious they are secondary in a film with a subtitle dedicated to them which already has a bloated plot that once again is a case where multiple movie ideas are crammed together with the modus operandi clearly being to stick in as many tributes to the Bayverse as humanly possible with some that work such as the actually cool inclusion of Arrival to Earth to ones that don't like Murder Prime's unwelcome return and the very boring MacGuffin hunt which is little more than a vehicle to take us to action scenes and for set up future films for a universe I don't care about.

ROTB could've been great if Paramount cared about making a good movie but as it is? They simply went "Wait, people like the more stylized designs that hue closer to G1 and fanservice? Yes, we've found a way to keep up this mess of a continuity." and as a result we get a film where you can blatantly tell that it is of two worlds, one of a creator's honestly cool vision for a TF movie that with a few tweaks could wind up great... and another of a studio who genuinely cannot understand that its audience is done with these movies and as a result everything becomes confused and I want to scream like Shia did for his last two TF films and for the record I hate feeling this way. When I see how others are absolutely revelling in the fun of it? I don't like being the sourpuss. I absolutely want to join in on spreading the love and can for a few elements but I'm nothing if not honest and sadly? While there's a lot I like about ROTB that puts it above the others? I can't bring myself to love it and every time I read more into this feature like how it came about by basically mashing two ideas together like we did with TLK? I'm left baffled and annoyed since it's this exact thinking that led to the bomb that was TLK.

3) Transformers: The Movie

To be fair, I feel kind of similarly about this one. I know people absolutely love this movie and honestly good on them for it, this has a lot of charm and importance to the brand and when compared to what would come after it often did stand out a bit more as a Transformers film that was fully about the Transformers and one that really feels like it's the cartoon given the big screen upgrade. It's where we were introduced to Unicron, where we got the extremely gutsy move to kill most of the characters that the cartoon heavily focused on, including a truly tearjerking death for Optimus that was backed by an epic final fight with Megatron and it introduced characters that later on would become some of my favorites. It also has a truly stellar soundtrack and at the very least is one that's never gonna leave me upset when I put it on for a casual watch.

However, this is a case where nostalgia and being compared to significantly crappier movies benefit this because when separated from them or compared to one particular movie? I feel this thing is only truly great for the first half-hour or so. Once that passes? Then it becomes a very bland story that I honestly could care less about where you can tell they are just trying to sell as many new toys in this product line as they possibly can and aside from the stuff involving Unicron and the Junkions? None of it is that memorable or interesting. Also I feel in retrospect it's hard to watch now knowing just how much the series cannot stop referencing or pulling elements from it even when it is not necessary. Case in point, if I never have to hear "One shall stand, one shall fall." again or see another Optimus death I'd be a much happier person because now instead of inspiring a cheeky grin it draws out a pained groan. Of course that's not completely the movie's fault but still. Again it's still not bad and there are a lot of points I like about it that put it above ROTB and others but overall? If it wasn't for that first half-hour, the music, animation and what it did for the brand this would easily drop down a bunch of spots.

2) Transformers 2007

Well... this is an odd one to watch now. As time has gone on, the cracks in this one really show which is a shame because the hype for this was real. In particular I remember going to the movies and seeing the Mars teaser and feeling like I was on the greatest sugar rush. I also remember the ads that'd play during Toonami's airing of Transformers Cybertron which would drive up my excitement even further and for the longest time I adored this movie. I even got to mess with the transforming DVD case they put out with one release where the disc tray folded out to become Optimus Prime. But upon rewatch? It's a movie that is very flawed with tons of cringe-inducing moments, stuff that even for 07 I am shocked flew still and has a lot of this series' worst bits like the shaky cam, the villains being generic and much more. In particular I was really surprised in a rewatch by just how much I didn't like Optimus. He's definitely not at his worst here but the many instances in which he seems to just not have any patience and his dialogue regarding Bumblebee after he got captured really didn't possess much of that robo-dad energy Optimus usually has and overall it made watching his scenes a little bit harder than normal while giving me the understanding that at the very least Murder Prime is a bit more consistent than I once thought. Also... I'm sorry but I don't really like the Decepticons here. Aside from Barricade, Starscream and Megatron, none of them really speak, the designs aside from Blackout, Brawl and Barricade really don't appeal to me with them really delving into the worst parts of the Bay aesthetic and most of them are really lacking in defined personalities. Finally the human stuff here is pretty bad, mostly when it comes to the comedy. The problem with Bay's humor is more often than not he comes across less like a grown adult and more a young child who still laughs when the word "penis" comes up in conversation and it really bleeds through to the human interactions since I don't think there are many people here in comedy scenes that act like human beings. The one joke I kind of laughed at was Frenzy dropping a "Oh shit." when his own weapons hit him but that's it. I otherwise was pretty stone-faced.

Also this movie is shockingly barren of really much in the way of defined character traits. Most of the details we hear are just dialogue expositing about a character's history with the only idea we have that this stuff was supposed to be important being that early script drafts had more showing these traits off which is pretty onbrand for a film like this. I mean why bother developing your characters when we've got action to film?

That being said? This is the closest these films have gotten to feeling like an actual movie and there's still a lot it does well. This is one of those instances where nostalgia does help to a degree but there's still a lot to genuinely be happy with. To start off with the smallest positive, Sam here feels like an actual human being. See one thing I've come to realize from watching all the movies is that in the first one, while the comedy is not great, the main human characters we follow at the actually feel like regular people. Sam in particular comes to mind since while he panics a lot in the same way several have mocked? It's really not too extreme with most of his traits reflecting that of a typical 17-year old male. He's awkward, he's not exactly physically strong, he has a bit of a mouth on him and Shia plays this very well. Really Sam is not bad in the first film and it's a miracle that so much good was pulled out of this material. It's the later entries that continuously flanderize him until eventually he winds up a parody of himself. And speaking of the humans? I like the elements we get here like Sector 7 and I really wish we could've seen this stuff be integrated into the wider canon.

The robots taking a bit of a backseat makes sense here, this is their introduction and for an intro? It's quite a great one. The opening scene with Blackout is still up there for me as the best Decepticon introduction in any Transformers media. It's chilling in its execution, properly demonstrates the sheer destructive might of these mechanical beings and also is a very good intro to this film's take on Transformers in both how they transform and their aesthetic which despite my negatives earlier? I'm gonna come out and say it, I really like the Bayverse aesthetic and Blackout as well as the Autobots show off how one can make this work. One big criticism that was thrown at the designs once we got past the usual Geewunner whinging was that they looked like walking scrap piles with shards hanging off them and that's true... for the concept art in which many of the robots did look very rough. For the finalized designs? Even the ones I don't like I can see a clear goal with the design. For as much as I love the simplicity of the G1 look or the design sensibilities of Beast Wars and the various anime? I understood the movie had to go for something different. We're talking a 2007 live-action film with CGI being made to revitalize the brand, a new aesthetic was necessary. Not only that but the robots needed to look distinctly alien while still keeping recognizable design cues. Now in some cases even for designs I like? It doesn't work the greatest like Megatron who I'm gonna be honest even with him being Cybertronian, the design is kind of just made out of knives and personally I've never been fond of when Transformers uses Cybertronian modes as an excuse to just do whatever, I much prefer when it's like say Transformers Animated or the High Moon games where we get distinct Cybertronian vehicles but in a lot of cases it works really well. In particular a special highlight needs to be given to Blackout. Back in G1, Blackout... was nobody. He was a Micromaster F1 racer with basically no character who only got attention in the text stories of Transformers Timelines. Nowadays? Ask a fan who Blackout is and they'll likely tell you he's the scary giant helicopter man from the Bayverse. The design rocks, he absolutely steals the show with the scene he's in and he looks properly alien while being identifiable as a Transformer and that's for a new character. For old favorites? Optimus Prime and Bumblebee in particular get two of the best designs. Say what you want about Bumblebee now having to be a sports car with stripes, I get the frustration but that came later. As designs, these rock, Bumblebee looks like what I'd want out of a small scout who can kick ass, Optimus looks physically imposing but also there's a gentleness to him. Yes he has flames which are silly but honestly with the explanations given and considering the looks Prime has had? I really like what they do for his truck and robot modes. Yes he has lips which... okay I will never like Prime with a mouth, I've made my peace with this fact, I will just never like it but it's really more a moment where I roll my eyes and move on. At the very least compared to other Prime mouths? This is my least hated look. Mainly because it's so expressive and when coupled with his eyes? It works to give Prime the ability to emote. I can honestly picture a kid being in trouble, the mouthplate coming down and his expression softening to comfort them and it working but mostly what I like about it is it's a design that captures all of what I'd want out of an Optimus design while still being its own thing. It also helps that even today the CG still holds up and the fact it only gets better from here is crazy to me.

Finally, the big action beats are exciting and when they hit, they really hit. The animation and choreography coupled with Jablonsky's genuinely iconic score work beautifully together. All in all? I can't hate this one. I have my many issues with it with more being brought up as I keep rewatching... but then What I've Done hits and I can't help but be brought right back to when I saw this in theaters and the positive memories rush back. It's not a great movie but it's definitely a good watch.

Best 1) Bumblebee

Spielberg said his idea for a TF film was basically E.T. if the alien was a giant robot. TF 2007 was kind of there but Bay's style among other things got in the way. Bumblebee though? This is exactly that idea made a reality and my god, it is wonderful. So for history, after TLK I was burned bad by this series. I was fully expecting Bumblebee to suck, I didn't care for the idea when it was announced prior to TLK, I was in a funk where I just was sick of the guy. I had my guard fully up. I did perk up a bit when it was announced that a new director and writer would be stepping in. Look, I've got no hate for Michael Bay whatsoever but like I said, it was clear he was out of it working on AOE and TLK, the man needed a break and I was so glad to see he got one but of course, that doesn't necessarily mean the film would be good. I mean we got new writers for TLK and we all know how that turned out...

Then the trailer came out, promotional material arrived and... I felt hope. It looked good, it actually looked really good. But I quickly steeled myself for the worst because to be fair, all the TF movies have great trailers, even TLK so Bumblebee joining that club too wasn't exactly good enough, the movie still had every chance to suck.

And from moment 1 with the Cybertron scene? I fell in love. Bumblebee is to me a great movie. It's not just a great TF movie, it's a great MOVIE. I know for some that's weird, especially since now I guess we're in the phase where we're all like "Well it wasn't that good.". With all due respect? Please be quiet and let me explain. Bumblebee felt like an honest-to-Primus bright light at the end of a very dark tunnel. After the garbagefire that was TLK? I thought in general we were screwed, doomed to keep getting movies with a director who is growing increasingly sick of his job which would lead to the quality dropping and dropping with us never being allowed to breathe because they will keep making bank. It's the movie that made me question if I was still a TF fan and frankly, it made me reevaluate my thoughts on all the other movies. Now to be fair, this did the same thing in terms of the latter portion but in a different way. This made me realize how much with the earlier movies that I was judging these things on a curve. How much I was looking for things to enjoy and latching onto those instead of enjoying the whole package. With Bumblebee? I love every moment. I love the robot aesthetics which strike the perfect balance between the Bayverse's more intricate segmented approach and the more classic styles of old-school Transformers, creating a look that's instantly appealing to me. I love the story which has heart and character, real plotpoints and more. Charlie is genuinely the best human character of this whole franchise and I will fight people on that. She strikes every balance that most of the other humans don't. She's relatable, she has a purpose to this story beyond the need for there to be a human and unlike characters like Noah or Sam? The movie knows when to get her out of the way of the robot content when she's not needed and when she is. The scene in which she breaks down to Bumblebee about her dad is genuinely one of the most touching moments of any Transformers film and that's another thing, this film's characters rock. Agent Burns? John Cena is kind of playing Peacemaker-lite here and it works so well. He's a human bad guy I can tolerate because he's such a fun character. The Decepticons? Shatter and Dropkick rock with great designs, personalities and voice acting with Angela Bassett in particular stealing the show as the former. Does it suck they kill Cliffjumper? Yes, yes it does but also what a scene to establish the menace these guys have and honestly dare I say it's a better Cliffjumper death than in Prime which... okay granted it's mostly because I feel Cliffjumper in Prime was just The Rock being The Rock and I've grown tired of that schtick but seriously, the way in which they manage to endear me to him for the few moments he's on-screen is impressive and above all? Bumblebee ROCKS.

This movie made me a fan of the character. I'll admit I've always liked Bumblebee but I've never really adored the guy, even as the movies went on. This movie though endeared me to him so much. He's just so adorable and emotive, that scene that's in the trailers where he transforms, sees Charlie and quickly hides in a corner brought a smile to even my jaded ass. This movie made me want to see more of him and this rebooted universe which unlike what the Bayverse became by the time we hit TLK felt like it had passion put into it and actually restrained. I mean holy crap, this movie is actually funny. I mean it's not extremely funny but it got laughs out of me. The fight scenes are also fantastic, matching the brutality of the Bayverse to a degree but in ways that feel creative and not horrific or mean-spirited. I mean this movie is just fun and for the record, it's great for more than just the Cybertron scenes. But while we're on the subject, I've seen the criticisms levied against these scenes as just being nostalgia-bait and not offering much to the movie but... okay first off, Jesus Christ do you have any idea how nice of a gift it was after years of the movies to be given moments on Cybertron where it feels almost like a cinematic version of the High Moon games? Next, I think they go right along with the vibe of Bumblebee and what it ultimately is. It's a breath of fresh air. It's an immediate demonstration we've hit the reset button and it's going for a whole new vibe that I think if we were to stick to for future films? We'd honestly get a really damn solid TF series and I want that. Seriously, I want that. I want a Transformers series that can stand alongside the MCU and MonsterVerse as films I'm actively excited to keep going to. But if we can't? I'm at least happy we got this one.

Thanks for reading, hope you all have a great day and that you'll stay gold.