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themapper β ACMe Contest: MutualSeductions
Published: 2006-11-29 03:47:52 +0000 UTC; Views: 291; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 3
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Gentle Seductions of and by a Canadian Environmentalist*=======================================
*with apologies to Irving Layton (famous Canuck poet)
Having agreed the world is in decline
that habitat is under siege right now,
that methane's best left in that old coalmine,
and neo-cons have made the laws ere now.
Having agreed that Patrick Moore has not
the morals of a slippery, gutter-snake
that miso-soup is best served piping hot
and coalitions need to give and take.
And having agreed to politely disagree
on meat or vegan fare, and having left
the moral high ground, feeling fancy free,
proclaiming brother-sister-hood we deft-
ly drop a hint or two (or give a shove)
declaring now we're ready to make love.
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Comments: 14
Well, I guess I got to pick my pick, hard as it is, out of the bunch of you, and move this one along. First off, my deep and humble thanks to all of you who took the time to offer your thoughtful responses. Truly, it was more than I've come to expect here at DA generally. Special thanks must go to Ben, for helping set this in motion. Okay, on to the pick...
First, *AndyIomoon offered thoughts on adapting visual imagery tool to an essentially auditory medium, and did very well in the process.
Then *ironhenry returned my earlier favour of telling a story to understand this poem. Like *AndyIomoon , Ben caught the basic ironic or sardonic nature I was trying to present.
*elegaer , like the others before, pinpointed a basic flaw in my elements, which was assuming everyone knows who the enviro Patrick Moore is and what he means to the Canadian enviro movement.
And *voya offered perhaps the most technically astute critique comments, despite being away from that creatie writing class for too long.
In the end, the choice was very hard . It was really very hard. You've all offered some great comments.
I award this contest to Ben, who, tho he did not understand it all, got most of my gut-level intentions right. Ben, you can choose either a sonnet or a triplet of linked risque limericks on the topic of your choice. The sonnet can be risque or romatic or funny, or what ever you choose. The limericks, if you go that way, must be slightly raunchy.
*voya , I've decided to exercise author's privilege and offer a second place to you - a limerick on any topic you choose, must also be slightly risque .
I look forward to creating your prizes, both of you. If I could, I'd prize you all - you did well. My thanks, and I look forward to the next contest.
Russell
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Thanks Russell! I'll get on with putting up my own ACMe right away. As for the prize, I'll choose the sonnet. As for the subject, I'd be deeply moved if you would endulge me with a subject rooted deeply in First Nation culture,and perhaps specifically Gitxsan.
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It will be my delight (and perhaps my frustration) to get to work on your request. FN culture, Gitxsan if at all possible. One rare sonnet, coming right up.
RC
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I'm really looking forward to this!
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First off, well done. I won't pretend to be an expert on structure here, but your message seems passionate and clear.
I do stumble on the rhythm of the poem in places, primarily in the second verse, but I don't know if that's a fault with the writing, or my own missteps in reading it.
I don't know a great deal about Patrick Moore beyond his Greenpeace origins and more recent (apparent) environmental hypocrisy. I sense this is a slant against him, but I'm just a little confused with the "not" in the end of line 1, verse 2. I think your saying he's beneath the morality of a gutter-snake (I like that description BTW). Is that right? Perhaps that's open to interpretation.
I particularly like the last two verses (I don't think I'm using the correct terminology here, I don't recall if these should be referred to as "verses"). The message in these last lines calls for us all to relish in our differences and celebrate diversity. That's what is says to me anyway.
Itβs been too long since my creative writing class, so I wish I could give you something more constructive, but I like it.
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Thanks for your thoughtful reply. Structure, in a sonnet, while important, should not dominate the work, so your comment of a stumble on the rhythm in the 2nd verse is well taken. On re-reading it, I see I ought to have placed commas after the 2nd and 3rd lines in the 2nd verse, which would have set a more natural pacing for your eyes.
The comment on lack of familiarity with who Patrick Moore is, vis-a-vis Greenpeace is a common theme in critiques for my sonnet. I wondered if it might turn out that way, but took a chance anyway. Inside the Canadian enviro movement, he is widely regarded as a turncoat sellout to big industry. Your interp of his morals are bang on. And take this with a grain of salt. I am reporting what I've seen in the courtship and mating rituals of some Canadian enviros, not making a case.
Regarding your 3rd comment, they are indeed verses. The first 3 are quatrains (4-line verses) and the last is a couplet (2-line verse). The ending was supposed to be a bit cheeky or ironic, because, as so often true among people who are courting each other (or seducing, really), the ending is a foregone conclusion. The dance that precedes a successful mutual seduction is often as predictable to the knowledgeable eye as it is beautiful.
I greatly appreciate your taking the time to offer your critique. And it has been constructive. I've learned a thing or two about using obscure references and missing punctuation.
Russ
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I can't pretend to say I *understand* this throughly, but I'm not sure that poetry is all about understanding perfectly, more understanding at a visceral level. And I can do that with this sonnet.
The one thing that confused me immensely - until seeing Ben's review here - was the Patrick Moore bit. Over here, Patrick Moore is a famous astronomer known for his irrascibility, love of xylophones and his monocle. And for some reason I couldn't reconcile that with what you were saying 
And I love the ending
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Thank you so much for taking the time to comment on this sonnet.
You're right. The Patrick Moore thing is a common theme that confuses people here. He's incredibly well-known inside the Canadian enviro movement, but perhaps not much elsewhere. Glad you took the time to look him up - and I see it is an entirely valid criticism that my reference here was too obscure for general readers. Good point.
Glad you liked the ending. The endings we all like best, as people who listen to stories, are those endings we already know are a forgone conclusion. In this case, both my protagonists already know they are going to go to bed with each other - it's there underneath their circling movements as they dance around each other, "getting to know each other".
Thanks!
Russ
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The poem speaks to me of shortcomings, and finding common ground, and a need for union, and a plan to get there. Like much poetry, the exact meaning may not exist, even for the writer, and we will only see in the poem that which we carry within ourselves. The title does give some specificity (knowing what I know of you Russell) but one cannot be certain.
The first three stanzas put forth ideas that supposedly have found some bridge-of-compromise between two people/peoples/nations. The forth stanza trips out of the third and blurts out quite an offer; a call for peace between them. Whatβs more, a creative act is called for, βmake loveβ is the last thing said. Perhaps the it was long planned for... Yes, a "Seduction"
I hear the dreams of idealistic youth, melting into the obscure confessions of mature compromise. Must we forever stand and fight? Perhaps survival will require coming together in a different way. The nature of the relationship must change in order to find progress.
I read the important along with the trivial in the concessions listed, and it gives the poem a tongue-in-cheek feel. A smile crosses my face to think of miso-soup and coalitions. Itβs quite a laundry list!
I do not understand the lines about Patrick Moore. I know that he was a founder of Greenpeace (cuz I Googled him), and that he left the organization for debatable reasons, and that many environmentalists were not happy about all that. The phrase, βhas not the morals,β makes me wonder... Do they approve of him now and think of him as a snake no longer, or do they simply both agree that his morals are somehow less than those of a βgutter snake?β The point of agreement here is less important than the fact that they agree, I think.
The poem is enjoyable, perky, never boring, brimming with visuals, and a good length for the idea presented. The structure seems sound, and as I mentioned before, it has a nice lilt of sarcasm, and in doing so β reality is felt.
Well-done Russell!
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The poem is very much tongue in cheek, glad you spotted that! In fact, it's fairly ironic, because in this kind of situation, the outcome is usually a foregone conclusion - the two mutual seductionists are circling each other in a dance that's as beautiful as it is ritually defined... every step of the dance between them has to be completed before mating can commence.
The meaning of the poem is perhaps less lofty (your first 3 comments) than it is supposed to be gently sardonic, rather as if the mating rituals of an African bird were being presented on PBS, except these are people. Their mating rituals are none the less circumscribed than the African bird.
The "Patrick Moore" reference is obscure - and I have received enough comments back that are confused by this reference to see that I ought to re-write this part to be less obscure.
Lilt of sarcasm - I like that...
Thanks for your very thoughtful comments.
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Shall I be the first to dip my toes in these icy waters? I feel perfectly comfortable critiquing visual art. I have experience and a decent artistic vocabulary to draw on. But critiquing the written word is something all together different. I don't know why it should be. I have spent a large part of my adult life correcting essays, reports and theses.
Still, they were about dry, scientific material. This is a whole new kettle of fish.
So I'll start with the things that please me. Piping hot miso-soup. That definitely pleases me. I had not stopped to think why I like miso-soup and you have captured it for me in a line. And making love definitely pleases me and all the more so for first getting environmental issues clear with my prospective partner.
But in the end it is your phrasing which pleases me most. Your words run together so effortlessly and paint a picture of whimsy (sorry I just can't escape that visual art vocabulary).
I won't try to tell you what your sonnet means to me for fear of missing the point entirely but I will see that anyone who can fit Patrick Moore, miso -soup and making love into the one bit of prose is alright by me
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Well, this is very good commentary - thanks for your making the time to offer a critique. And no worries about your ability to do so. You've done very well adapting your visual vocabulary to the written world. I've some familiarity with essays, reports, theses too, and so I see you've directly gone for the core elements, which are the bits that please one's prospective lover, and the feeling of whimsy.
I was describing a ritual mating dance I've seen enacted countless times (it's always delightful to see), and which is all the more delightful for knowing the conclusion is foregone. I think you got the point entirely, succinctly. And yes, it was a challenge to fit those diverse elements into a piece of prosody. That was an integral part of it, the aggregation of which let me paint my whimsy by their very contrast.
It's hard to run words in a piece of form poetry so that they sound effortless, or paint a picture easily. Glad that it worked like that for you.
Best,
Russell
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Thanks, Russell. I enjoyed the challenge.
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You're entirely welcome!
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