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The First Movement
Published: 2007-02-09 04:58:27 +0000 UTC; Views: 7128; Favourites: 148; Downloads: 29
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Description
-I left my lover on the floor,
arms bent like a lamp cord.
He said to me things were
different looking up;
the ceiling was brighter,
my eyes were lit up.
And he sank into sand tiles,
his hands were raw and waiting,
and waiting.
-
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Comments: 81
I love the imagery created here. It creates quite a dark setting.
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that's gorgeous!
well done,
and yes that is an amazing simile!
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This is great. Did she kill him, by any chance?
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There is no "she" per say. The characters in this are genderless so that anyone can relate. There's no killing either.
But, everyone interprets a poem differently. There really isn't a right or wrong.
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I like the part where it says "..my eyes were lit up". Its possible I'm missing many things in this poem but to me this part just sounds like a very sweet moment. (please forgive my ignorance 
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The brevity of your piece makes it that much more astounding.
I think that we can all relate to it in some sense, whether we're the one left on the floor, or the one leaving. Because you left it just vague enough to still be mysterious, each of us gets something different out of it.
Thank you for sharing this wonderful piece, and congratulations on the much deserved DD.
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That's what I want, people to take something different from my work. I try to leave it as open to interpretation as possible. That's not to say there isn't a specific message I insert into my work, but my message isn't one I expect everyone to accept. I'm glad when people create their own.
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As long as it made you think of something, that's all that matters.
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It's a wonderful poem tho. ^_^
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Wow.
I really like this, though I'm not totallly sure why.
The imagery is just striking, I guess.
Nice job
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I Like it alot.
just the way it is.
i identify with your reluctance
to use the word "up" twice
so close to each other,
and both ending the line
but it works.
"above" would work as well
if it bothers you that much.
Any how,
i'm adding you to my watch.
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I think "above" may disrupt the flow a bit. I think it's something I'm just going to have to accept about this piece. It's growing on me anyway.
Thanks for the comment and the watch!
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you're very welcome.
check out my work some time.
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The first linemade me feel kinda sexy...O.o Weird, I know XDDD
I think it makes me think of abstract things somehow... Like...the message isn't that clear but it speaks to its readers on its own.
Beautiful. Beautiful, I must say.
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That's exactly what I want. I try not to be too clear because I want everyone to take something from it, not what I want them to take from it.
Thanks for the comment!
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^.^ It works so well! Very brilliant.
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i prolly don't "get" whatever meaning you had in mind, but it speaks to my soul with meaning deeper than the sum of your words. loved the repetition at the end.
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This - this is what most poets should strive to be. So simple, yet the imagery and careful choice of words convey everything perfectly.
Congratulations on the DD; this definitely deserves it.
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This is gorgeous. Simply beautiful; I love the imagery of it all. Definitely faving.
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That's wonderful! I'd love to see the piece when you finish it.
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Tis a clock. Am I right? I like it a lot. Congratulations.
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What's a clock? It's not about a clock, no, but what you take from it doesn't matter, as long as it gave you something.
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It takes talent to create beautiful poetry like you do. I admire that.
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Interesting.
To ameliorate the effect of the two "ups" you could try putting a semi-colon after the first up and perhaps use a different word to describe your eyes...
"He said to me things were
different looking up:
the ceiling was brighter,
my eyes were alight."
"alight" has assonance with bright and sort of ties in with the lamp cord simile too....
Just a thought.
Cool poem though.
I like it, even though I don't really get it, which is seldom a prerequisite to liking something anyway.
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Good suggestions. I don't know how I feel about using alight though, I feel like it would seem out of place. I could use the semi-colon to break the lines up better though. It may soften the second "up".
Thank you!
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Yeah, I realised belatedly that alight is probably a little too formal for the casual tone of the poem.
And repetition is not necessarily a bad thing. Just look at "He wishes for the cloths of heaven"...plenty repetition there and it works. So don't stress about the two ups!
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I'm not, I'm actually starting to not mind it as much.
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this is magnificent
i love the lamp cord arms
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Thanks, that's my favorite line too.
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