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zephyrus7 — Orion
Published: 2004-04-18 20:23:46 +0000 UTC; Views: 156; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 31
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Description Watching from my secular haven
Under your familiar, glinting eye,
I stare in awe at the natural beauty
Burning through a cold night sky

When all else is lost, I turn to you
To bring me hope, and peace of mind
When nothing else is in my view
At least I know where I can find

My sanctuary, my vital star
Glistening truly in the night
From Jesus Green I stare, til dawn
When my safety light, is lost in light

I hide in the shadows until you return
To put up your fight as you laugh at fission
And the grass around me begins to burn
As if to strike up competition

A biased battle of God and Man
Soon our weak flames begin to tire
A measly field against your power?
You have no men to quench your fire

I’m not alone now, of this I’m sure
In watching your intense demise
In her eye, a glint, but this one’s not yours
And smiling, we turn back to the skies



Apr. ’04 (Commissioned by Laura)
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Comments: 9

the-vicious-poet [2004-05-20 09:30:37 +0000 UTC]

lovely

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spacegirl [2004-05-01 19:54:31 +0000 UTC]

Very nice peom

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daeira [2004-04-24 19:54:39 +0000 UTC]

Stanza 1:
Neat beginning. I were really drawn in by the serene, neat description. Especially the contrast in a burning col sky was interesting.

Stanza 2:
Line three was weird. When nothing else is in view? I see what it is you're trying to say, and that you are trying to keep rhythm and metre consistant, but it sounds strange.

Stanza 3:
'Stare' in line three didn't fit the overall peacefulness of the poem. Stare is too harsh and direct. Gaze might be better.. Check a thesarus! And did you mean to repeat 'light' twice in the fourth line? Didn't sound very good.

Stanza 4:
'my' in line three; shouldn't it be 'me'? Overall though, that stanza was particularily neat.

Stanza 5:
The question mark seemed VERY out of place. I tried to read the lines several times, and it doesn't make sense this way: A biased battle of God and Man soon our weak flames begin to tire a measly field against your power?
How is that a question? Either remove the question mark, rephrase the line/lines or add more punctuation.

Stanza 6:
Lovely. Can't see a thing to change.



A very beautiful poem. You have a good grasp on imagery and a wonderful vocabulary. Two things I want to stress though: punctuation and sentence-capitalization! It improves flow tremendously, I can't stress that enough. Keep up the good writing.

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zephyrus7 In reply to daeira [2004-04-24 23:49:23 +0000 UTC]

Thank youuuu!! So detailed! wow great! I really need to look at punctuation and sentence capitalization don't I? I guess if I'm going to be posting my work rather than using it as personal release then I ought to think of that more.
About the question mark, that's a typo! lol oops! Didn't notice that!
You obviously have quite a grasp on poetry. Your criticisms are very detailed and thorough. It's impressive to see that on DA, really is! I ought to check out your site!

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daeira In reply to zephyrus7 [2004-04-25 11:04:04 +0000 UTC]

Yeah, I tend to be very thorough when I first decide to be. I've even gone through poems line by line, because I'm such a perfectionist, and I have to say everything on my mind.. haha!

I'm glad you weren't offended though. Many do. And if you want more crits, just send links in a note or something.. I'd be happy to look at them.

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zephyrus7 In reply to daeira [2004-04-25 17:09:06 +0000 UTC]

Hehe cheers Nah of course I'm not offended! When people say your work is shit, it's not very nice, but when people say your work needs improvement and offer suggestions, it's great!
I may have to take you up on that offer! hehe

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daeira In reply to zephyrus7 [2004-04-25 18:01:22 +0000 UTC]

I'm glad to hear that! Being able to take criticism and wanting to improve is the sign of an artist, so keep it up!

=]

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Koukris [2004-04-19 23:44:50 +0000 UTC]

Nice poem! I like the rhymes, very good! It's kinda cool how you keep your submissions vague; that way it leaves the reader to interperate the poem in the way that they see it! Woohoo! Orion is my favourite constellation!

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zephyrus7 In reply to Koukris [2004-04-20 07:10:36 +0000 UTC]

Hehe thanks Never heard someone put it that way before! I guess I do try to leave a lot of the interpretation up to the reader. That is, after all, what I believe poetry is about - personal interpretations.
Zeph.

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