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zephyrus7 — Perfect Crime
Published: 2004-11-30 01:38:04 +0000 UTC; Views: 206; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 6
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Description Monday
A business meeting
Love gone astray
(Just for today)
Official greeting

Prior to this
A heated night
Aggressive delight
Sharp sounds of bliss

Now hidden behind
These formal eyes
Memories arise
Bodies entwined

Tuesday
Time comes once more
Everyone leaves
Not these thieves
(Shut the door!)

Work to do
Much to get
Deadline set
Half past two

Plenty of time
Steal the cash
Stash, trash, dash
Perfect crime

Wednesday
Wednesday morning
Office phones
‘Stolen unknowns’
Final warning

‘Anonymous’ tip
Obvious who
Whispered adieu
Try not to flip

Fired for deceit
Find a new job
Next bank to rob
Rinse and repeat

Nov 30th '04
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Comments: 14

Fokkar [2005-02-16 00:40:35 +0000 UTC]

hmm... very interesting. For something so choppy in appearance it has a very interesting flow. Short and simple stanzas... but you manage to pack a lot in. I found monday to be the most awkward out of the three... but that could just be because it took a little bit for me to get into the odd rhythm of the poem. All in all, well done! I like it.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

Inksmith [2005-01-12 06:57:37 +0000 UTC]

Never read a poem about a bank robbery before. Or is this office supplies? It could go either way I guess. I like the rhyme scheme and, as you said, the stop-start flow. When I visualize it in my head, its like a series of scenes, alternately speeding up and freezing.

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zephyrus7 In reply to Inksmith [2005-01-12 10:22:56 +0000 UTC]

Hehe thanks Yea bank robbery it is, though office supplies are just as good! To be honest, when I'm thinking of the next place to rob, I'm like, "hmm...there's a bank, but...I kinda need some stationery!!" hehe

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Inksmith In reply to zephyrus7 [2005-01-12 10:25:59 +0000 UTC]

Although I think you would be slightly more than fired if you robbed the bank you were working at...

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zephyrus7 In reply to Inksmith [2005-01-12 10:27:24 +0000 UTC]

Hehehe not if they can't prove anything

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baader-meinhof [2005-01-06 19:37:43 +0000 UTC]

I like this very much, althrough i do not like these 3 days. nice poem!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

zephyrus7 In reply to baader-meinhof [2005-01-07 00:16:16 +0000 UTC]

Hehehe, no I don't know many people who do like those days really!
Thanks

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MissFlesh [2004-12-01 17:13:26 +0000 UTC]

Very originall poem, I like it, it really tells a story.

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zephyrus7 In reply to MissFlesh [2004-12-01 22:42:59 +0000 UTC]

Thanks a bunch

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DoomShatter [2004-11-30 20:15:42 +0000 UTC]

its very good, i can't really think of anything that would make it better. but you may wan't to read it over a few times and work on it.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

zephyrus7 In reply to DoomShatter [2004-11-30 21:46:25 +0000 UTC]

Thank you Yea it needs a little touching up. Will get to that soon

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Kaylazelda [2004-11-30 19:11:15 +0000 UTC]

Very funny and intresting in a way. I cant think of an improvement but then again today being tuesday, I haven't thought much about anything helpful all day.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

zephyrus7 In reply to Kaylazelda [2004-11-30 19:21:30 +0000 UTC]

lol thanks Yea tuesdays are pretty non-days for me too...brain just lies down in a comfy bed and sleeps!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Kaylazelda In reply to zephyrus7 [2004-11-30 21:35:57 +0000 UTC]

*scratches head* Nrr. Every day is a no brain day...*Sigh* I need either entertainment or some sort of muse.

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