HOME | DD
zephyrus7 — Transparency
Published: 2006-02-22 18:40:59 +0000 UTC; Views: 517; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 14
Redirect to original
Description
He lazes, dignified,receiving introspective stares
that whisper softly,
like the lazy water
Mother kept in that fat jug.
He shows to me a glassy eye,
an awkward play on symmetry
and heir to nothing,
sunken in her socket
held in fear of him.
Is that my own reflection?
Poor defenceless girl,
a fleeting shiver,
tired, but allowed to rest
beneath a glossy shine.
When I return, he glances up
to tell me I’ve been gone a while,
and through the clear transparency
that sparkles, dreams of movement,
silent pictures pierce through
and whisper softly, mocking,
bleak and tired, sleeping in tepidity.
They nudge against a china jug
that bulges, cracks and shatters,
And he laughs. I shiver, smile and
Sit beside his warm simplicity.
My thoughts are with the world,
A halo glowing in my hand.
Related content
Comments: 11
I know I've said this before, but it's like a dream. Or like a song in a dream. Like each time you pluck a chord, another word, another feeling comes out. This poem, to me, is not as interesting of some of your other work, but just as beautiful. It's one of those poems that don't make me wonder so much about the situation or what it's about, but what's going on inside your head when you write it. Off too look at a few more of your newer things...
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Gonna do a more advanced breakdown for ya
Title: Transparency- I have seen this word or words of the same family before making it a bit cliche but I liked your reasoning in the description the fact that the word fascinates you picks you up full points!
2/2
Word Choice: The thought that went in to your title seems to continue throughout the poem however I noticed a lot of adjectives don't get too caught up with them....
3/4
Devices:
- Descriptive images
- Otherwise unremarkable
4/6
Style and Overall Impression:
-I like how the words sound when I read it
-Good perspective
- Don't see a unique style or a neat way of organizing your words to catch intrest
6/8
15/20 There is modest room for improvement but a pretty good poem!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
me gusta mucho!
that girl who wrote the onions poem- does she have a DA?
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thanks - nah she doesn't have a DA...yet...I may try to persuade her!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
👍: 0 ⏩: 1