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bite06me — Crap Poem.
Published: 2004-02-20 23:34:59 +0000 UTC; Views: 3041; Favourites: 29; Downloads: 1421
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Description
For charliemay
---------------------------
12 years old and stuck in a rut
Confused and lost- unsure of life
Led by pain to pain, it's rough
There's a lovely pain in gashes
An addiction, or attraction
The only thing I needed.
The only thing i need.
There were nights it'd be so hard
To stop the blade- the blood
But it felt so good, so calming
Like my world, crashing- stopped
I would carry blades around with me
Daily, waiting for an urge
Even when I had quit- arms clean
I couldn't stay away
Remove the image from my mind.
Even with pale whte smooth skin
Scars nearly faded
I can still see in my mind
Sites of what could be.
I was tired of hiding
Tired of them finding
Cleaning up my mess-
blood soaked rags
Broken razors on the ground.
And the hurt thats in their eyes
Stings me deep down
I can't stand to bring them pain
So with the love i have for them
i vowed to try to stop
I can't stand to see that look- expression
I want us all to be perfect
I need to stay clean.
For them, us, and me.
--
and i dont know why this got on top favourite... im really sorry if you dont like this kind of writing- the depressing, woe is me type....- i dont always write this vividly and horribly. heh....
im sorry you had to read this...
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Comments: 139
That is very fine work, strong with emotion, living with passion.
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this is an intense piece of writing and it is clear that you have touched a huge audience. i can certainly relate to the words poured into this and i wish, i really wish that i couldnt, but the scars that burn my skin will never let me forget. thank you for writing this
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whoa, No wonder it was the top fav! it's emotional
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I love it... it's amazing and expresses a lot... it's relatable and that's always good...
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You're 12? I've just recently turned 13 and I remmebred how I used to cut myself too...
And yes...a fetish for blood doesn't exactly help me...
All I can say, is that you're a true poet. You've captured your feelings and expressed them in words...very well done
I've tried making a simliar poem like this..heh....nae luck.
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hahahaha
I'm 16 and a half
Thanks for the read and comment and such- much appreciated
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awesome. you put something so complicated and emotional into writing. you made something that is horrible into something beautiful.
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The thing that is different about this " woe is me" writing about cutting....
is that it's not woe is me. To me I see someone breaking the addiction... and that takes so much more courage then using the blade.
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My first overall view is: you use punctuation, but inconsistently. The punctuation needs to be placed to better regulate flow.
If you are going to use a full stop once, use them at all appropriate times. This is something I noticed in every stanza. Set some rules for yourself by which you use punctuation, and follow them consistently.
Moving along...
The italicised stanza works well. It sets the tone for the poem.
There's a lovely pain in gashes
An addiction, or attraction
The only thing I needed.
The only thing i need.
The repetition in those last two lines detract from emphasis.
Also, the rhythm you had going in the first two lines there is lost with the third.
There were nights it'd be so hard
To stop the blade- the blood
But it felt so good, so calming
Like my world, crashing- stopped
'nights it'd be' is awkward phrasing. I would re-work that line to read more smoothly.
'hard
To stop the blade- the blood'
- The alliteration of 'blade and 'blood' works fairly well, as does the assonance of 'hard' and 'blood'.
'But it felt so good, so calming
Like my world, crashing- stopped'
- The last line there is out of synch with the flow of the stanza. I would suggest taking a look at that, and re-working those two lines to smooth out the rhythm.
I would carry blades around with me
Daily, waiting for an urge
Even when I had quit- arms clean
I couldn't stay away
Remove the image from my mind.
'Even when I had quit- arms clean' is out of synch with the flow.
I would look at re-working those last three lines. They lack the impact that they could have with some tweaking.
Even with pale whte smooth skin
Scars nearly faded
I can still see in my mind
Sites of what could be.
whte = white.
This stanza is superfluous. It says nothing that impacts.
I would suggest deleting it entirely.
The poem would not be adversely affected by its removal.
I was tired of hiding
Tired of them finding
Cleaning up my mess-
blood soaked rags
Broken razors on the ground.
The first two lines need re-working or replacing. They have little impact. The repetition of 'tired' doesn't help. It makes the lines bland.
And the hurt thats in their eyes
Stings me deep down
I can't stand to bring them pain
So with the love i have for them
i vowed to try to stop
Delete:
'Stings me deep down
I can't stand to bring them pain
So with the love i have for them
i vowed to try to stop'
...and join the next stanza in.
Like so:
'And the hurt that's in their eyes
I can't stand to see that look- expression
I want us all to be perfect
I need to stay clean.
For them, us, and me.'
Then, re-work some of the lines:
I would suggest 'I cannot stand that look- expression'
The contraction 'can't' seems weak.
'I want us all to be perfect' Needs to be reworked. Try starting the line with 'perfection' to internally rhyme with expression.
Something along the lines of 'perfection is my wish'
'For them, for us, and me' - The extra 'for' smooths out the flow.
Okay. More general impressions.
Again, fix the punctuation. That is a must.
Subject-wise, I am impressed that you have managed to keep it from becoming pure unadulterated angst.
The structure needs refining, the flow and rhythm needs smoothing. Some lines need re-working, to make them more interesting, and to aid flow.
Over all, fairly decent in comparison to the normal treatments of the subject matter.
The poem has potential.
Benedictions.
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oh my, you are my new commenting hero
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I simply do that which I wish other poets would do.
Benedictions!
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I like your style, I am much the same in my commenting on this site.
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If only more did so.
Benedictions.
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I am so with you on that one 
but then again, it is nice to recieve comments back from people who truly appreciate the attention you gave their piece…..
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If the comments contain decent feedback, then I agree.
New perspectives are generally appreciated.
Benedictions.
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eee, thank you that was delightfully excellent- and with any opther poem i would definetly fix it up, but
i dont like this one... and i donno why it has all thes favs...its just eek, but the past couple of days i have been submitting nothign but pure agnst and eek. ROAR.
anyways,
thank you very much, ahh i love the CC comments, they are exremely extremely helpful and wonderous learning experiances- thank you
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*Nods* The +faves are a bit of a worry.
If you are willing to accept critiques, I may take a bit of a wander through your gallery, if there isn't too much angst.
Best of luck with improving your poetry!
Benedictions.
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hahaha, oh man... everything from february 17th-20th is pure agnst
i try not to post what i really really like here, just in case someone where to take it (i have had that trouble multiple times in the past)
you could try to look at this gallery
but it might sting your eyes...
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i try not to post what i really really like here
Out of curiosity, why do you use DA then?
What do you gain out of it?
Benedictions.
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ee what do i again, forgot to add that part in my rant- i guess i gain CC at times, haha which rarely happens.... arg... but also just lets me step back and look at it. I guess i don't gain much, but i have some people watching me that are actually wanting to see/read more, and they'd be quite irritated and dissipiinted if i left- haha but im not even really... putting effort into it i guess, so i shouldn't be here, or i dont desearve to, ack i dont know.
im getting lost in my words now...eek
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I suppose we simply have a different approach.
I use DA for two things. To get feedback on my works, and to improve my writing skills.
The latter reason is why I post critiques. Because I believe that if an artwork is shown, and does not specifically say 'Do not critique me', then it is open to suggestions.
Everything I submit, unless specified, I would like critiqued.
If I find that something cannot be fixed or improved, I delete it.
It is like poetic Darwinism. Culling the weak, until I only have the worthy poems left. As time passes, I raise the bar on what I consider an 'acceptable' standard for what I write.
Because I would like to see more good-quality poetry on DA, I try to encourage others to consider my viewpoint of 'Poetry as Art'.
Still, I am just one among a multitude. My opinion is simply that: My opinion.
Benedictions
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i use dA more as a... Notepad type deal- at first i was thinking "okay well... heres this site to post things, might as well post whatever is on my mind" that kind of thing- at my old ID here i got rather into it, addicted even haha, and a couple people started taken my poems- that was craptastic- theeen i got this new ID, just stopped really caring so much because after I submit I always print out what I wrote (i tend to write in the submition box the vast majority of the time) and take the printed copy, sit in my wonderous chair and edit like mad.
the poems i submit here are just... the equivalent to doodles.
I guess that makes me a bad deviantart person..... eeeek...
i just don't see deviantart as the last stop for what i submit
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Its wonderful to see a poem in top daily favorite. Its not often that things like that happen.
Wonderful display of visual and emotion. You bring attention on issue of how addicting it can be for people who have those problem. Awesome job!
Meh? The only self injury I ever done to myself is by popping my zits. Ouch, lol.
Merry
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Mmm thank you, your comment is appreciated!!
but i dont really get why my poem is here, when it first got to the top favs it only had 6 favourites.. and there are 123948710328947 other poems posted today that werent..... agnst woe is me crap....
ah i hated this poem, haha. these past few days i have submitted nothign but angst, i plan on changing that of course- i am rambling, i apologize
thank you for the comment and read, much appreciated
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Thats ok.
I guess it was a good thing I saw this poem, it kind of took me out of dry dock. I havent been able to write a poem in such a LONG time and poof! Now I can, even if its only for a while. Thanks.
Merry
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dry docks = evil!
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you have got to be fucking kidding me. a poem finally gets enough favorites to be on the front page and it is this kind of cliched shit.
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i think i just dropped a fucking nut.
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I really enjoyed it...The rhythm/rhyme was so awkward and I think non-existent but it made it work. After reading it over once, I forced myself to look over it again at all the tech parts of it and it pieces together really well. Great job.
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thank you very much for the comment and read
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lol
anytime.
I'm still confused asto how it worked so well, I mean...in all simple theory it shouldn't...but somehow it does...
.hrmmm
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I think any form of poetry/writing that involves emotions is great and should never be ridiculed for what it is...an honest expression of self.. I know some people seem to think this form of writing is not meant to be written I think it is perfectly fine and even good... emotions are meant to be expressed... sorri i am rambling just responding to ~anavelg0083 comment, in other words i like this great work
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wow that was awesome. very well written! big hugs.. i used to cut.. i really appreciate this poem. it has a lot of depth.
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thanks
ah i was jsut at your page, watched ya, you have fuckin talent
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dont be sorry, as always im glad I read your poems, this one especially. Favorite indeed.
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It's good... reminds me a lot of stuff i used to write. You do grow out of the SH stage tho. You'll go from dark, depressing stuff to dark depressing stuff about love, then it'll happy happy joy joy stuff about love, then you'll go back to the dark depressing stuff. hehe it's a cycle. But I do think it's good. It'll be interesting to see what other kinds of stuff you come up with.
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