Draslushee [2008-10-07 02:23:43 +0000 UTC]

I like what I'm seeing; I think the lineart and colors work very nicely together. I'm worried, though, that there may be a bit too much cleavage, and -

...

Wait. This isn't another Chroma picture...

Silliness aside, I like what you're doing here. I do enjoy the mysterious air that the narrator is putting out here, and I love the first sentence: "The Creator would sooner witness mankind annihilate itself than desecrate its free will." It's a very good philosophical opening that sets the path for the overarching theme of Magna-Core.

Now, if you thought I was nitpicky with art, watch me go to work with grammar and rhetorical effects. Ready? Good.

First off, I'm noting the poetic, almost melodic tone taken here. The way the lines are spaced, it's ALMOST like a free verse poem, but not so much so as to sound stilted. It bears the feeling of an ancient chronicle, yet is considerably "prettier" than the ancient texts usually were. I think that's what you were going for, so it all works out.

There are several points that I think could be improved through a wee bit of correction, though. First off, the phrase "And so it begins:" near the beginning. You can eliminate that entirely. The sentences before it function perfectly well and transition quite nicely into the next ones without "And so it begins," so that last bit isn't really necessary. Plus, the phrase itself is so tired, worn, and cliche'd that its very presence diminishes the mysteriousness and elegance of the narrator's voice. Take out that one bit and the whole selection will sound more like the narrator is truly speaking.

Also, although I understand that this is a "poetic fiction" prologue, and hence that it has license to break grammatical rules for rhetorical effect, I think that you got a wee bit heavyhanded with commas and semicolons. Telos seems like the kind of guy who'd make smooth, not abrupt, transitions, so unnecessary punctuation doesn't really suit him. To cite specific examples:

"But, the Creator pitied this chosen species, and constructed Earth anew." (The commas can be removed, creating a smoother sentence with no stops.)

"Perhaps the second human race has its worth to prove; to shine past the primary abyss." (Semicolons, technically, should only join two thoughts which could stand as complete sentences on their own. Rhetorically, they create a pause somewhere between a comma and a semicolon; such a pause is not necessary here.)

"Light, Darkness, Time, and Space- sinews of Heaven’s fabric; and..." (Although commas should technically not be used in conjunction with "and" except in cases like that of a semicolon, I believe that the comma before "and Space" creates a nice continuation of the flow preceding it. However, I would recommend replacing the semicolon and "and" at the end with a simple period. Repeat the pattern in the next line for continuity, as well. Also, place a space before the hyphen, as well as after it - otherwise, it looks like it's mashed into the previous sentence.)

"Those who use Magna to combat Hellspawn;" (I'd say replace the semicolon with a comma. A semicolon creates too abrupt a pause.)

"Now the year is 500 R.E (Reborn Earth)" (Personally, I'd change it to "Now the year is 500 R.E., 'Reborn Earth.' " Parentheses are widely used to insert information that is either unimportant, spoken under one's breath, or not spoken at all. The information is vital to readers, and since Telos is speaking directly to the reader, he has no reason to mutter it or simply think it. If you put it in quotes, it's more clear that he's speaking it, and it maintains the continuity and personality of the passage. Also, make sure that you're consistent with punctuation; don't put a period after one letter in an acronym and not another. )


Yeah, those're my grammatical beefs. As an artist, feel free to break some rules... but it'll take a bit of practice to learn where it's better to break rules and where it's better to follow them. (I recently took a Rhetorical Grammar class, so I know a good bit about this kind of stuff.)

Now, as for conceptual stuff, I do really like how Telos' voice sounds here. I know, it's writing, but he really seems to have a personality. It's clear that he's speaking somewhat vaguely, but he still sounds like he genuinely wants to inform the reader. That being said, there are a few points that are a tad too vague, or otherwise awkward...


"I claim no credit to The Creator’s actions, only a mere extension." (An extension of what? The sentence sounds awkward; it's not clear what he claims credit to... he says "to an extension," but we have no clue what that means... and in a bad way, mind. You could probably reword the sentence to sound better. Perhaps something like "I am not the Creator, merely an extension of Him," depending on what you want the actual meaning to be. I can't tell you what you wanted to tell us, so you'll have to figure that out yourself, then find a good way to inform us. )

"Perhaps the second human race has its worth to prove; to shine past the primary abyss." (The inverted word order in "has its worth to prove" doesn't work very well. "Has to prove its worth" would be just as concise, and far more clear. Also, the phrase "the primary abyss" isn't clear, either; people tend to see "primary" as meaning superior or more prominent, rather than meaning first in order, which is how I think you meant to use it here. Perhaps a phrase like "the lingering abyss" would be more appropriate. I can see that you're trying to refer to the first Earth, but the meaning isn't as clear as it should be, given the odd - yet technically correct - use of a common word. Also, I think that the line would flow more smoothly if the phrases contained within were separated by a period, thus creating a longer, yet smoother, pause. "Perhaps the second humane race has to prove its worth. Perhaps it has to shine past the lingering abyss." Something like that, y'know? It just rolls off more easily, if that makes any sense.)

"Their souls fortified with dominance over the very elements of their domain-" (I'm all for rhetorical fragments, but coming from Telos, this sounds a bit awkward. I think "Their souls are fortified..." would sound a bit better. There are a lot of places where fragments can be very artistic and meaningful, but given the smooth impression that Telos' voice has been giving, I don't think he's one to speak in fragments.)

"Earth, Air, Fire, and Water- bricks of Earth’s foundation" (In addition to my previous comments, I think that "bricks" is too harsh-sounding of a word for Telos to say. I'd say go with "cornerstones," but that's too long a word. I can't think of any better words off the top of my head, but there should be something out there in Thesaurusland...)


...And that's about all the nitpicking I can do. That's good, mind - back in English 102, one of my favorite activities was explicating poems. Since this is designed halfway like a poem, it's only natural for me to delve into ridiculously deep detail.

Now, despite all my lil' marks, I do like this as a whole. I think it's a great intro to what I hope to be a great story... you certainly do have a knack for choosing words and getting into good patterns of sentence variation. I think the main issue is just in finding each character's "voice." As you write, you'll find that if your characters have enough development, they'll really have very distinctive manners of speaking. You'll probably find yourself writing lines, then coming back and thinking "Wait, Terra/Jason/Ares wouldn't have said it like that..." If you find yourself thinking that, then that's good; it means you have some mighty fine characters on your hands. After that, it's just a matter of making everything fit.

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Dante8411 [2008-09-29 22:47:57 +0000 UTC]

It's a bit unusual in the phrasing and structure. It's not a bad thing, but it surprised me somewhat. The setup itself is very good, but if I had to make a criticism, it would be that the phrasing makes the exact thing you're trying to say a bit obscure. Still, that's what drafts tend to be like.

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DestinieKirby [2008-09-27 14:28:47 +0000 UTC]

Very nicely written. It was easy to read, but it was advanced enough to keep it interesting. I'm looking forward to seeing more.

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