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inspiredcreativity β Innocence
Published: 2008-09-27 14:10:33 +0000 UTC; Views: 5195; Favourites: 27; Downloads: 36
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The very Talented Artist, Jan Bonito has given me a wonderful gift, a drawing of "Innocence." No one has ever drawn me before. I feel privileged to have him as a friend. THANK YOU JAN !!!. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
The face of innocence. Boy, teenager, man.
Back then, I was so innocent, I did not even know what Gay meant, or if there were others like me. All I knew was that I was different from other boys. It was obvious by the time I was about 12 years old. I knew I felt about boys the way I was supposed to feel about girls. I knew I was an abomination in the eyes of my Church and God. I knew almost nothing of sexuality. I felt so very ALONE. It was a very different era then.
My life had been a nightmare. I had already tried to kill myself at age 13, came close again at 16. I was getting beaten on a regular basis. I was born Autistic, with its associated other brain disorders. I felt that I DIDN'T fit in anywhere, like I WAS on the outside of the locked iron gate, looking in on the world I could not be part of.
But this picture is Pivotal, which is why I posted it. It marks when I have left home for the California Merchant Marine Academy. Once I was away from my family and home, I blossomed in an environment surrounded by guys my age who accepted me completely for who I was (other than the Gay part). I made friends, and I excelled. It was terrifying at first, then it became my home and I had a new second family of sorts.
Do you see the smile? That is why it is pivotal.
_________________________________________________
When I was 18 years old, the guy in the photo above, I would look in the mirror and see UGLINESS. Yet now, looking at this photo, I think I looked pretty good. So why did I think I was so ugly when I was a teenager?
The reason why is because it was not my eyes seeing ugliness in the mirror, it was my MIND that saw the ugliness. My MIND looked in the mirror and saw the reflection of my SELF-HATRED.
Now, whenever I hear anyone (especially kids), say that they look ugly, when they are not at all ugly, it tells me that it is a reflection of what is going on in that person's mind, and it makes me very sad.
I was able to turn that self-hate into self-love, and now that I am old and not so good looking anymore, I can now look in the mirror and be content with what I see, just me looking at me, one really hot dude, LOL.
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Comments: 111
This is a portrait of a beautiful guy. Not only physically handsome ... but look at that smile! I see someone who is intelligent, confident, yet gentle and compassionate. Thank you for posting this.
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Thank you for the compliments. Β Alas, I looked in the mirror and saw only ugly, which was a reflection of my self-hatred. Β You are also seeing a lot of innocence and naivety in the photo. Β I found out that innocence and naivety are like aphrodisiacs to Gay men, and even after if was not so innocent anymore, I still played the act. Β Compassion and empathy have always been central to who I am.
The only way to see me smile in a photo is if it completely a candid shot. As a boy, I thought that when I smiled I looked like a chimpanzee, so I avoided smiling, especially in photos,and I still look like I have a rigor mortis smile when I pose for a shot. Β So I am like a wild animal that must be captured in his own element.
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Thank you. I hope that when you look in the mirror you see beauty. A smile is a window into our spirit, it shows a glimpse of who we really are, the bright essence of our humanity. It is the great connector between people, it opens doors. I thought my smile was so hideous that every single day I worked hard at never smiling.
When we are alone, we do not have anyone we trust to correct our vision, so it feeds on itself, getting worse and worse. Friendship, connecting to others, sharing, loving, these are the things that feed our spirit. Seek them out.
I wish you all the best that life and love can offer you,
Matthew
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Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate to it.
You are beautiful <3
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Thank you. I hope that when you look in the mirror you see beauty. A smile is a window into our spirit, it shows a glimpse of who we really are, the bright essence of our humanity. It is the great connector between people, it opens doors. I thought my smile was so hideous that every single day I worked hard at never smiling.
When we are alone, we do not have anyone we trust to correct our vision, so it feeds on itself, getting worse and worse. Friendship, connecting to others, sharing, loving, these are the things that feed our spirit. Seek them out.
I wish you all the best that life and love can offer you,
Matthew
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you look very handsom in this picture
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Thank you. At the time I thought I was in the dictionary under UGLY. There is a lesson here, right? Why does an anorexic see fat in the mirror, when there is no fat. Human vision is mostly brain driven. The mind is so powerful it can create things in our vision that do not exist, and it can make us NOT see thing in front of us.
When I looked in the mirror, I saw ugly because it was a reflection of how I saw myself inside.
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Yeah you make a good point here, I've never really thought that our vision is controlled so much by our brain but it does make sense...
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You can harness the power of your brain for vision by CHOOSING to look for beauty around you, by choosing to notice the world around you in terms of light and billions of colors. It is like walking home from school looking at the sidewalk, or looking at the world around you, and seeing how the light filters through a tree, the textures and colors of plants, the way the wet street reflects light.
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Uber Cute!
You know, you story kinda connects with mine, and I'm so glad to understand that what I'm going through is NORMAL! Thanks!!!
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Thank you my friend. It was ever so long ago⦠What makes you think that what I went through was normal? Maybe we are the only two abnormals, LOL. Frankly, I hope your story is less lonely, less painful, less innocent, I hope you fit-in with others, and when you look in the mirror, I hope you love what you see?
I wish I was you. This is an exciting time to be entering the community (not counting a certain disease). If it seems really uncertain for you and scary, I know the feeling. I had no idea what to do with my life, not a clue about career. My father later pushed me hard to go to the Academy, because it was something he would have wanted to do at my age, but he had to go fight Japan in WWII (Marine Corps).
When I came out to my Father, it was really funny. He had no problem with me being gay, but had a big problem with me being in a relationship. He said, "You don't have to be saddled with a relationship, with family, with responsibility, you can be FREE, you can go anywhere and do anything you want, and when you need sex, just go find it." That was the first time I ever heard the word sex come out of his mouth.
Take it from on faith, you are going to do great. It is only a matter of time. Love may come and go, until you hit a keeper. The trick is in recognizing the keepers, LOL. You will find your career path too.
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Oh no! That's the the thing, I cannot come out. It is kinda painful, but livable, I fit in well enough (more with my mountain of friends though, thank God I have them), and no, I do not like what I see in the mirror. By the way I also happen to be a virgin.
What makes it nice yet tricky for me is that I'm Bi. However, it won't matter if I'm "found out."
By the way, I'm glad your father made it out of WWII alive.
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The most important part of coming-out is coming-out to yourself. If you can accept who you are, EMBRACE who you, love who your are, then the rest is just a matter of time. Congratulations on being a virgin. YES, thank some deity for fiends, they can get us through some really difficult times.
Being Bi can be difficult. Just figuring out if you are really Bi can be difficult. The best judge of your sexuality is based on who you fantasize or dream about, especially when master bating. It can be confusing if you are judging your sexuality based on looking at pornography, because gay guys can get turned on by seeing straight sex, especially if you are young and it is all taboo.
There is confusion between DESIRING both sexes, verses being able to aroused by either sex. This is a fundamental distinction. On Navy ships, many straight men penetrate gay men orally and anally, but it does not make them bisexual, even though they are having sex with a man. Straight Navy guys get horny after months at sea, and "any hole will do," is what the guys joke about. If the man DESIRED the other guy, that would be bisexual. If you are primarily heterosexual, but in certain circumstances a man can turn you on, this is not necessarily bisexual either.
Society and even ourselves want to follow the NORMAL Path. Who wouldn't want that the American dream of having a wife, kids, house with a white picket fence, career, and fit in with everyone? Well, now that I know the joys of gay love, I have no such desires, but when you are young and looking ahead, then the "NORMAL" path looks a lot better than the alternative.
The challenge when you are bisexual, assuming you are a 50/50 Bi, and not leaning one way or the other, is to allow yourself to fall in love, regardless of gender. What happens in reality, even with guys who are primarily Gay, but CAN be with women, all want to be "Normal" and just repress their gay side. Some even marry women when they don't really Love them. This is a terrible crime to the women, because the sexual intimacy quickly dries up and she thinks it is her, she agonizes over it and at first she will try to make herself more sexy,but that won't work, so self-worth suffers and she feels deficient. In the mean time the guy is sneaking out having sex with men.
But if a bisexual man feels good about who he is, embracing both sides of himself, then he is free to fall in love with either a man or woman. When the love is true, you are not tempted to run out and have sex with anyone else, regardless of gender. You fall in love with a PERSON, not a gender, not a sexual orientation.
ββ
So, nothing need be tricky about being Bi. Just embrace both sides of yourself as a wonderful thing, then wait to fall in love, with whatever gender that may be. Sadly, many bi guys will not let that happen, and subconsciously suppress their Gay side, thus never allowing themselves to fall in love with a man. Relax into who you are.
βββ
When you look in the mirror, most often what you see is a reflection of how you feel about Yourself. Human vision is almost all in the brain. The optic nerves send raw data to the brain. The brain is so influential that it can make you see things that do not exist in reality, and it can make you NOT see thing that really are there.
An anorexic looks in the mirror and see FAT when there is no fat, only skin and bones. Boys hooked on muscle bulk look in the mirror and see small flabby muscles, even if he is grossly bulked up and muscle bound. When you are depressed or have low self-esteem, then that is reflected in your image in the mirror.
The burning question, why do you not like what you see? From what I see, you like mighty fine. We all have an image in out minds of how we WANT to be, and the further that image is from the real you, then the greater inner conflict and unhappiness. Most often, when you look at yourself, at who you are, you find yourself deficient.
RULERS:
People measure their own worth using rulers. Most are societies rulers, like measuring your self-worth based on how popular you are, wealth, how much money you make, fame, power, physical beauty, influence, righteousness, etc, etc. There are rulers some Lesbians and Gay men insist on using too. Like you have to have a persona that is macho, strong, no signs of weakness allowed, perfect, strong leader, masculine, etc. There are rulers for values, for appearance, and for performance, for intelligence, masculinity/femininity, gender, your art and your artistic talent, etc.
If you do not Measure-up against this array of ridiculous standards of measure, you feel inadequate, a failure, you don't measure-up to who you want to be. We all have an image of WHO WE WANT TO BE, but the further this image is from WHO WE REALLY ARE, then the greater the internal conflict will be, unhappiness, dissatisfaction with yourself, etc, you will feel.
Unfortunately, many of the rulers and standards are imposed on us by parents, school, other kids, and society. You can choose to first recognize your rulers, then you can chose to discard some, change some, and custom build some of your own.
I thought about my rulers. I decided to build a pretend ruler rack by the front door, like a key rack where you hang keys. Here I would hang wooden rulers, each representing the many ways I measure myself against. On the way to dancing, I pretended to take the short dancing ruler. As I drove I repeated a mantra, βI am going dancing to have fun and NOTHING else matters.β My short ruler for dancing was the fun one, where mistakes just donβt matter, as long as I am enjoying myself. If I look awful, I donβt care. It was not 100%, but it helped enough to put fun back into dancing, and when people complimented me, I made a point of not only thanking them as usual, but to stop and absorb it and officially accept it, instead of the usual discounting.
Examine how you value and measure yourself as a person, as an artist, etc. Then look at the image of how you want to be, then compare it to who you really are. What changes should you make in your rulers?
INTERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA
Sometimes there is shame for being different, for not being normal, like you are letting your parents down, and who wants to be radically different? What about the family line, continuing your bloodline? You can do this being gay. Being raised Christian can create internalized shame and guilt for being gay.
I would love to see you look into the mirror and like what you see, being happy about who you are. Is this something you would want too? If so, is it worth working on?
I happy my father survived, otherwise I would never have been born. But he also divorced himself from me when I was an infant. My mother said that since i almost died, he let go already. He seldom spoke to me, and then only to tell me to do things. I was very afraid of him. He only hit me once, but when he did, it tossed my body 7 meters to crash against a wall. He was really stressed out I am told. He was a trained artist and showed one of my brothers and my older sister how to do basic art. I asked and he refused, saying I was not suitable, despite my constant drawing and compliments from others. He even showed my younger sister and both brothers how to work on cars, but not me. Once I became an engineering cadet, he became very talkative.
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I enjoy being different actually, in fact it is what I strive to do, there is no problem with that with me. I don't love myself, nor do I hate myself, I just experience self-loathing. Almost all of the time. My looks, my lifestyle, everything about Me, not my family and life out of Me. I have constant mood swings, keeping me in a torrent of emotions that keep me tense and all bottled up on the inside. I have not cried passionately for more than two years, it is impossible for me to do so, so far. Yet if I could, I would. People say I am good looking, nice, talented, outgoing, friendly, etc. and I hear them, but they fall on numbed ears. *sigh* I just cannot help it. I accept myself, I cope with what I do, but I do it like I'm in a trance. My life is going by, most likely like a normal person's, I'm happy about that. But..I..don't..know....
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Well thank you, but there is no need to cry over it (your avatar, lol).
Poland seems so far away, but i just spoke to someone in Siberia, and that is like way far away.
I hope life is good for you. Poland sounds exotic to me. My Mother's family, my grandparents, came from Czechoslovakia. Alas, I never got to visit there. I planned to, but I am disabled now by arthritis and can barely walk, so travel is no longer possible.
All the best,
Matthew
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my av is not crying lulz
some persons from my family have been in America. i think Poland is a bit similliar to north America but less developed. And similliar to Russia, but we dont have so much interesting monuments. Cities are boring and if You would visit Poland, go to the seaside or mountains. I think the sea is beautiful but so cold (in Middle Ages it was often frozen ; o)
greetings
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OH yes, I see. I am SO dramatic, I think tears. Instead it is sweat. Blood, toil, sweat, and tearsβ¦the way of the soldier.
Thanks for the info about Poland.
Greets back.
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every time I read some of yours, I fall for you a little more ... What can I do?
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Read more? Thanks, I like being lovedβ¦
You would not want me. I am crippled you know, and getting worse from arthritis that started when I was 12. Even so, my partner can't fulfill my needsβ¦
You could say I have gained some wisdom in Life's crucible of fire, and I am hoping that what I have learned can help others find a happiness that eluded me for so long.
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I fall for your words, the body is ephemeral, are the words that are
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Thank you. I will be writing more. Most of what I write has been to individual people, but I would like to write to everyone soon.
Merry Christmas, and a Happier than ever New Year.
Matthew
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i hear you about the teenagers that call themselves ugly, and i have to say, i agree.
then i look in the mirror. its like... im not ugly! ^.^ theres just a wee bit of acne blocking of my superb beauty sometimes! (lol)
maybe if i asked them to move over a tad...
hm. oh well XD
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I'm just glad that you recognize that you look good.
Check out this Male Manipulation Gallery [link] gallery AND the main Gallery of
These are all photo-manipulation composites. You need to check out both Galleries because each Gallery is missing work that the other only had. .
I like artists like him who reference and give credit to those they get their stock art from, although unfortunately he is not also linking directly to each stock. Anyway, this allows you to backtrack and see what elements he used and how.
I really like this one [link] and this one sure is cute [link] and this is what happen to bad boy [link]
Check out this photo [link] by It is worth checking out his photography. He is an artist I watch.
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oddly ive been in the same posiotion im gay and autistic and i tyed killing myself many times im better now but i know your pain
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Hi Paul,
It is great to hear from you, a kindred soul and all. If you ever want to talk, about anything at all, please feel free to Note me. I have never met a guy before who was Autistic and Gay. Whatever you say will be held in confidence.
I am 54 now and have been with the same man for almost 20 years, although my first two relationships of 6 years each, both went down in flames. My early life, up to age 34, was all about hiding my limitations and maximizing my advantages, trying to succeed in my professional life. I did succeed greatly, but at an even greater loss to my personal life. So my post 34 life has been about the more difficult part of Autism, social integration, personal growth, etc. While I technically accomplished a lot by age 34, it is all rather meaningless to me now and had nothing to do with my sense of happiness and contentment with life.
Autism is a social Isolator, but I have that I can work around all of the limitations. It took me a couple of years before I could look people directly in the eyes, or to telephone strangers, or to introduce myself to strangers, or to socialize at parties, and ask strangers to dance. However, I must confess that it is all still a process I have to consciously do, although it is very low key.
I knew that if I did not change the way I lived and interacted with people that I would end up killing myself, either directly or indirectly.
I wish you the very best the life and love can offer you,
Matthew
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i have been almost same diresction but never been in love but i overcome some of my autisic stuff stiff move arms crazy when got idea thouh lol
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Is your autism keeping you from dating and connecting with men? It is time to find love. If you are meeting a lot of men and love is not happening, there are thing that can be preventing you from falling love. It is worth talking about if that is the case.
I keep clicking on those emoticon things next to the scroll bar by accident, when i go to scroll, so you may see some strange ones.
Other guys always had to approach me and ask me out, until i was 35. Hard as it is to believe, I learned to dance in a Gay dance hall in Seattle. I had to take beginner classes for a year. My legs and arms did not want to cooperate. I did it so much that i think i burned new nerve pathways in my brain. I never would have been a great dancer, but i was a good dancer. I learned C&W two-step, Waltz, West Coast Swing, Foxtrot, Tango, Rhumba. Bolero, Samba, Mambo, and Cha-cha. I had to force myself to ask people to dance, but usually they were waiting to dance with me. I made a lot friends that way, as well as finding my life partner.
If you are not already doing so, try to get out there and meet people.
My Autism Spectrum Disorders are in the following list by degree, strongest to weakest:
1. HIGH-FUNCTIONING AUTISM
2. SENSORY INTEGRATION DYSFUNCTION
3. DYSPRAXIA
4. ASPERGER SYNDROME
5. DYSGRAPHIA
I failed 1st grade and was put in a school for the Mentally Retarded. My parents borrowed money to have me tested by a specialist, who found the Sensory Integration Disfunction. Each of my eyes was reading independently, the signals were not being integrated in the brain. My father built me a narrow balance beam I had to pace on it for 2 hours a day. Once a week it was raised higher in the air, so that it would hurt more when I fell off.
I was put in a private school for one year and ended up skipping 3rd grade. In High School, we were given and IQ test and aptitude tests. MY parents and I were shown the results. I was an IDIOT according to the tests, but I was at the top of the class, grade wise. My parents were told not to bother with college for me, as it would be a waste of time and money. They could not afford it anyway. I figured I had a choice of believing them, in which case they were right, I was stupid, or I could choose to not believe them, which is what i did.
It turns out that people with Autism do badly on Standard IQ tests. I look at the choices and I see where there are times A could be true, times choice B could be false, and no clear-cut answer. When people with Autism are tested using an alternative test, scores are considerably higher.
I graduated in the top 10% of my High School. I went on to study Engineering at the Maritime Academy and graduated number One, with a degree in Engineering. Look, I am definitely way slower than everyone else, and my memory is terrible, but that is no doubt form the years of physical abuse (high stress for years cause high levels of Cortisol in your body, which suppresses and damages the Hippocampus in children's brains). I just had to study constantly and get no time for pleasure or play.
I found that i was very good at problem solving. I solved problems that the engineers at GE, Westinghouse, and Hyde Engineering could not solve after 8 years. I can find where accounting books are out of balance, and I can even solve people problems. There were a number of other things I was crappy at. So i built a team with people who did really well at the things I was no good at.
I was afraid I would not be able to react quickly in an emergency at sea, so i rehearsed casualties, then wrote them down. It became the Casualty control manual for the fleet. Turn your weaknesses to an advantage. Work around you weaknesses and maximum your that which you are good at.
I have been loved a lot in my life, so Autism has not made me unlovable. If anything it can be endearing.
Do you have trouble getting out and meeting guys? Or trouble connecting with guys?
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i had crushes but no one was into me and i have hard time finding people sence i been out of school i berly meet anyone new but thats ok thanks for caring
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I really do care. I wold love to see you find love. If you would like some help, send me a Note and we can talk.
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thanks im ok right now ill talk if i need to thanks
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thanks
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My pleasure!
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I'm not that good in Maths but I love playing Bass and Drums...
No, I don't speak English as well as you because you're a native English and as you seem very intelligent, you must have a vocabulary most important in size and precision than mine...
In France, we only have tests after the highschool.
But it depends in what school you want to go :
-the university is open to evrybody who has got the exam of the last year ok the highschool (BAC in France)
-then, there are some highschools and other public schools, which have studies for 2 years, and depending if the formation you want is asked a lot or not but the entry is only limited on the notes, you have got during the two last years of highschool
-Finally, there are the management schools, the engineer's schools, which are extremely expensive (it begins at 7000β¬ a year...) and there is an exam to enter in these schools...
Furthermore, in France, we've got the European system of studies, which is composed of the Licence (Bac + 3 so 3 years after he highschool), the Master (Bac + 5) and the doctorate (Bac + 8),so it's easier to go abroad to study because the credentials are now equivalent.
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Thanks for the information. It seems that the UK is much worse than France.
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All my pleasure Matthew !!
Yeah it seems so...
How are you ?
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I have been going back and forth to the doctor, lab, and now MRI. I was sedated for the MRI. I have a lot of pain holding still, I have a tremor (you have to be still), and I am really Claustrophobic. I warned her that I was tolerant to sedatives and narcotics, but she still did not give me enough. I was wide awake and fighting panic. They notice my heart rate shoot up, but kept going, "Since you were to squirming around or screaming." Oh well, it is over.
My bladder no longer works do to the spinal nerves being damaged. The big worry now it that my bowels will be next. Numbness in my legs and feet has gotten worse. We hope to see if the lumbar spine is now operable to relieve the numbness and pain in my legs and feet, and prevent further damage that might lead.
In general, once a person has been in constant pain for more than 10 years, surgery will not help. But it would help if a nerve root is being compressed. Surgery would not do anything for the main pain generator, the SI joint, nor for the pain in my knees, shoulders, arms and hands, fingers, wrists, elbows and upper spine.
I am trying to catch up, but am falling behind this last week. I will catch up eventually. I am also really tiredβ¦
How are you doing? I hope you are in good health and have a good mood.
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OH GOD !!! Hope you'll be better Matthew !!
I'm so sad... It's horrible !!
I'm in good health but it doesn't care... you care !!
I'm here if you need me...
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Hey, don't be sad. Such is life. It helps knowing that I have friends. There is nothing worse than suffering and feeling alone. When you are loved, it is so much easier to survive the pain and adversity. Thank you for being there.
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True but it's still sad anyway...
Yeah, you're loved by your partner and it counts a lot...
It's me, you don't need to be thankful, you were here for before, I'm here for you now...
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Online friendships are obviously limited by distance and lack of physical presence, but they are still surprisingly valuable. Psychiatrists fear that the future will see nothing but virtual and online contact, even sexual experience, but I think the human species needs and enjoys direct contact too much for that to be completely true. A science fiction book was based on the premiss that the world would become completely virtual, and people who met in person would do so illicitly, facing discrimination, guilt and shame for doing so. How do I get off on these tangents?
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I totally agree, distance is hard but it's nothing if you think well...
I don't think so either, the human being will always need physical contact...
No worries, you are just very smart !!
Anyway, how are you ?
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I had just slept for 15 hours, awake 5, slept 5 more, awake 8, 3 hour nap, and I am still tired. Staying awake for 4 days in a row, 3 times, with only 8 to 10 hours in-between, has taken its toll on me, lol. The crisis with the kids involved have passed and I am trying to catch up.
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wow !!! You have an incredible rhythm...
Good !! Hope you'll be better ^^
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I pretty like what I see in the mirror...
But I haven't found THE photo yet...
You're right vision is influenced by so much things that sometimes we can't believe in what we saw.
Lol, it's right, it's your story...
I'll maybe change my ID but I have to find the photo that I will like to share, I don't want to share something that I don't appreciate myself...
Thanks so much for all the things you have shared with me !!
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It is really great hearing you that you like what you see in the mirror. it means you have a good self-image, and probably good self-esteem.
I tell too many stories, lol.
It would not be right of me to actually push you to change your ID. It was meant more to be thought provoking and to see if you were feeling Ok about yourself.
Your new Avatar is totally cool. Your selection from the donor image is perfect.
All the best...
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It's true but I like your stories !!
You are a wise person and I really appreciate that.
Don't worry, I didn't feel it like that... And you already told me that so there was no place for misunderstanding.
Thanks for the avatar, it's in fact a zoom of one of my photos and it was made by Troy
Thanks a lot !!
Best wishes
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Merci!
Be sure to give Troy a memorable greeting from Greg and I.
Bye-the-way, a little english lesson: When I said, "Your selection from the donor image is perfect," I meant that your choice of zoom (selection) from "Light 3" was perfect, the "donor image" being Light 3.
"Donor image" in photo compositing, is the image you take a part from.
"Host image" in photo compositing, is the image you put things into.
Meilleurs vΕux! (I hope that came out Ok)
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Je t'en prie !!
Count on me
Thanks for the lesson, I learn a lot with you every day and I have to say that you are an excellent teacher...
Merci toi aussi.
Γ bientΓ΄t !!
PS : it came out great !!
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When you use online translators, you never know what you are going to get.
I can only speak one language, so I admire those who learn more than one. I am Autistic (Autism Spectrum Disorders) and learning language in my form of Autism is very difficult. I could not speak very well either. I failed First grade and was put in a school for the Mentally Retarded. My parents were ashamed of me. My parents had me tested and they found that my eyes were each reading, on their own, lol. they were fighting each other in my brain. So i had to pace back on forth on a balance beam every day. It was raised higher and higher so it hurt more when I fell off. Incentive through pain. I did so well, I skipped 3rd grade.
In High School (grades 9), I was give an Intelligence test. My parents and I were told that I was stupid, and showed how I tested compared to all American kids. I was on the bottom. But i was also getting almost perfect grades, in the top 10% of my class. I had to study all the time, no play. Most kids with Autism need to take a different Intelligence test. I do not see the world in black and white, I see possibilities everywhere. In multiple choice questions on tests, I see possible things right and wrong in every answerβwhich to choose?
Alas, I am also SLOW. I have solved problems that the best engineers at General Electric and Westinghouse could not solve, but it took me time to do it. Did you know that I am an Engineer by training? I graduated from a Merchant Marine Academy as an Engineering Officer and with a Degree in Engineering. I graduated number one in my class. Not bad for a certified Idiot? Note: This is not military.
I worked for Exxon on supertanker ships. The Exxon Valdez was one of my ships. I was actually on the ship Inbound to Valdez harbor and we radioed to the Exxon Valdez to change course to avoid icebergs. I also did design work in electronic, hydraulic, and pneumatic Control Systems, as well as Power generation gang switching gear.
I am also a USCG certified electrician and plumber; a certified arc and gas welder; a Firefighter; aircraft gas turbines (jet engines), and Caterpillar Diesels; apprentice machinist; shipyard ship inspector; helped to build a house by doing most of the concrete form work, put on the roof, much of the framing, all of the electric, plumbing, ceramic tile floors, kitchen, bathrooms, fixtures, etc; Landscaping license and automatic irrigation systems; caster of gold, silver, bronze, and platinum. I was a metal artist from 1975 to 1989. I am also trained in accounting and bookkeeping and legal assistant. I did all of this before age 34. Plus I worked up to Chief Engineer, Unlimited Horsepower, Steam ships and Diesel Ships, any ocean.
Then found out how meaningless it all was. None of it mattered at all. None of it made me a happier person. I enjoyed learning how to do things, the challenges, but was driven to keep moving to the next thing. Now that I have been disabled for years, it is all forgotten, all those skills and knowledge. I bought a new Apple computer and Photoshop in 1990, as soon as i heard Photoshop 1.0 was out. Then taught myself digital art back when it was almost completely unknown. I did full time volunteer work for 8 years, then opened my own Graphic Design Business.
Good grief, sorry, I totally went off down memory lane.
Anyway, the biggest problem in Autism is that it Isolates you from other people. You never fit in and feel like you are on the outside of life, looking in, but not being able to join in. It is still like this to some degree. I was around age 25 before I could look a person in the eyes. I have to consciously do it even now. I was always good at writing technical manuals and tutorials, but could not write about emotions or feelings until about age 40.
I was about 18 years old before I knew what sex really was, but still had no idea what men would do together. My fantasy was just holding and touching a man and kissing. I had NO IDEA you could do those things, if you know what I mean. But I was an enthusiastic learner, lol. Most people cannot believe how innocent and naive I was, but it came form isolation in a strict Catholic family. When I went out looking for a guy, it was not for sex, it was a desperate need to be loved, to connect with another person. I came from a family with no real love or touch.
My Autism Spectrum Disorders are in the following list by degree, strongest to weakest:
1. HIGH-FUNCTIONING AUTISM
2. SENSORY INTEGRATION DYSFUNCTION
3. DYSPRAXIA
4. ASPERGER SYNDROME
5. DYSGRAPHIA
I spent almost my entire life hiding it, until recent years. I think it is a huge mistake to measure the intelligence in children based on memorization & speed of learning. There are many kinds of genius, but society tries to step on most of them, and try to make everyone the same.
I was physically abused from when I was a baby until 16 years old. It turned me into a fear based person. Worse, when children are abused, a hormone is produced called Cortisol, which inhabits the development of the Hippocampus in the Brain, where memory is processed. When the abuse is continuos over a long period, it causes permanent brain damage. So, I have terrible memory too.
But no matter how slow a person thinks, or how bad his or her memory is, great things can still be accomplished if they are just given the chance.
I was a teacher too and I was good at it. I think it is because it was so hard for me to learn stuff myself, I know how to better explain it. Also, I care.
I also taught dancing. Being Autistic, i should not even be able to dance. I worked at it for years, literally laying-down new neural pathways in my brain, from massive repetition. I was then able to teach West Coast Swing, Country 2-step, Foxtrot, Rhumba, Tango, Waltz, Samba, Mambo, Bolero, etc. When you struggle to learn it, you know everything that can go wrong, lol.
My students often then surpassed me, becoming much better than I ever could. I did not mind at all, it was great.
To me, there is no more joy possible than to share things with another, and that is what teaching is, sharing what you know. That is what counseling is, sharing talk, experiences, listening⦠That is what volunteering you time to help someone who is dying is all about, sharing your caring, your strength, your smile, your time. It is our connections with people that really matter in life. This will be you fountain of happiness in life.
How in the world I managed to spew all of that out in what was supposed to be a tiny reply, I don't know.
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