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inspiredcreativity β My Partner and I
Published: 2008-09-13 08:37:33 +0000 UTC; Views: 7990; Favourites: 30; Downloads: 34
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This is my partner Greg and I on a boat. My partner is the good looking one on the left.We have been together for 21 YEARS and counting to 22.
AS TIME IS ETERNAL, SO IS OUR LOVE.
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You two look so happy! Seeing this makes me happy, too, and I hope someday the same thing happens for me!
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I have absolute faith it will. I had to go up a learning curve and wet through two other relationships first. This is how I figured out was important in a life-partner, like someone who is not just saying words but shows commitment, shows a willingness to work hard to make the relationship work, someone willing to negotiate and not fight, someone able to express love through sexuality (as opposed to sex), someone who INSPIRES you, someone with passion for you, someone who will cherish you.
With Greg and I it happened very differently from the normal ways. I needed a dance partner for the dance lesson that night, and looked for someone who was alone. When I saw Greg I was not attracted to him at all, not looks wise, not pheromone wise. As we did the lesson and joked around, I liked his personality a lot, so later I asked him if he would consider pursuing a friendship with me (yes, I really talked that way). He was very hesitant, but gave me his number.
We did a lot of the usual friend things, like hiking, going to a fair, dancing of course, chatting over supper, working in the years, fixing his car⦠One Saturday we went to Lake Crescent to go canoeing. We got late afternoon to his place, and as we were standing outside chatting, a rare Seattle beam of sunshine came down on us. Suddenly, I was struck by the thought that he was kind of cute in this light, and then realized that I was hard. I realized immediately that the only thing that had the power to do this, to make him suddenly look cute and hot to me, and sexually react to him, was Love. After all, I had not seem him like this ever before. I asked him soon after if he would consider dating me romantically. It took 3 days for him to say yes. We agreed on no sex at all until we both agreed we were ready to commit to each other for the long-term.
We also got radical about how we wanted our promises to look. Other men had promised me, "Until Death Do Us Part," and at the first sign of trouble, they left, they never even tried. So we agreed to not break up unless or until we had exhausted every possible and reasonable means to stay together. We have had some very difficult times and I wanted to leave a couple of times. If we had to stay up all night long talking, he was willing, as he was willing to go to Marriage Counseling at one point. You cannot ask for more.
Whoever says all you need is Love, is delusional. You can be madly in love with each other and not be compatible. You can have a successful relationship without traditional love. It takes commitment and a willingness to keep trying , to negotiate and compromise, but not so much that you lose yourself. It means mutual respect, helping each other grow, even if terribly inconvenient, etc.
Love will happen in your life for sure. There is no 'One Love" for you in life. We make spumone our true love. If that does not work out, there is so very much love out there ready to be found.
The key is that you have to be willing to get out there, socialize, meet people, date, and be willing to takes some risks. The key to building long-term love is complete honesty and opennessβopening the door wide and letting another person see who you are. This is really scary to do. Just remember that if you date someone and break-up, it is not rejection. This in terms of a Key trying to find the right Lock to unlock. The key has a lot of unique grooves and notches cut into it that need to match the tumblers in the lock, allowing it to open. There is NEVER a perfect match, but it has to be close enough. If you are not close-enough for that person, it is not a rejection of you, it simply says that you two do not match up close enough.
All the bestβ¦
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You two remind me of my parents... they'd have these fights sometimes, and whenever I'd hear them arguing I'd feel upset, but they say that if they didn't argue, if they didn't work things through, they'd be like the couples who pretend everything's fine and end up drifting apart. But I know that they're committed to each other and they'll stay together that way.
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In my mind, the word argue implies raised voices and tension. I have to say that Greg and I very seldom argue. We mostly discuss things and negotiate a solution.
Yes, you want to work on issues, but couple learn how to do it without arguing. Greg and I went to Marriage Counseling maybe 6 times, where we mostly learned how to communicate better, not listen with filters, not looking to WIN or feel like you are losing. If one person feels like he or she has lost a discussion/argument, then they both lose. We were given a homework assignment in the beginning, where I was to start talking about myself for 10 minutes (just me, not the relationship). Greg was to listen carefully, then we would switch. After a few days we would return to the counselor and each recall what we heard. What you find out is that what you hear is often not what the person meant at all. You learn to discuss by constantly checking-in with each other, with, "Is this what you mean?" or "Can you say that again in a different way?" etc.
Alas, I started to talk about myself and 3 minutes later Greg was snoring, LOL. Rule one, FOCUS intently on LISTENING to the other person, when it is important.
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I guess you do not want to get too comfortable when 'discussing' things, less one of you start to snore, LOL. I still have a hard time believing he could do that... I do believe that my reaction should guarantee it will not happen again.
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Hopefully not...
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Thanks. We were a bit younger when the photo was taken. It is almost hard to believe we have been together 23 years. It does not seem that long at all, but I have been with him for almost half of my life.
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Aaawwww 
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Thanks, we appreciate that. We live in Seattle, so that means we are now legally married here, since we won the vote for Gay Marriage. Now we just need to overturn DOMA (Defense Of Marriage Act) to get Gay marriage Country wide.
It is now getting very common to see long-term Gay relationships like ours, and I hope that some day you find long-term Love too.
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You're welcome and that is absolutley amazing!
I...actually have, I don't know if you believe in such a thing but I'm actually with my twin flame and we're being careful with how we handle our relationship so it doesn't fall apart.
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I have a couple of other Deviations you might find of interest:What Is Love All About? [link]
RELATIONSHIPS [link] I do believe in twin flames, but I would add that there are many possible twin flames out there. The notion that there is only just one perfect person for any of us is false. When you say, βtwin flames,β there are a couple of ways to interpret that. It could mean you are soul mates, or it could mean you are two peas from the same pod, like you are both just like each other, share all the same interests, etc.
Greg and I are soul-mates, but we are very different from each other and donβt have much in common. This can be a good thing. Like I was too much of a home-body and he too wild, but together, he got me out more and more and I got him home more. We have very different cultural backgrounds and very different kinds of career paths. I am Autistic and was a seagoing Engineer on supertanker ships, as well as an artist, electrical, machinist, welder, carpenter, etc, then retired at age 34 and went into volunteer work, dancing and art. Greg was a musician and stock broker and now has his own business. We approach everything from different angles, and this makes us really good as a team. It is true that finding common activities was challenging, but we did well.
Keep in mind that both of you will keep changing into different people over time. We all change, often dramatically over the long-term. The challenge is for you both to keep encouraging each otherβs growth and diversity, while also staying connected and not drifting apart. The biggest danger to your relationship is complacency. I hear young couples say things like, βIf we are right for each other, it should be easy and we should not have to work at it.β This is not true and is a dangerous attitude. When you look at long-term successful Gay relationships, you will find that a lot of work went into staying together and getting through the hard times.
Love is based in SHARING & CONNECTION, and you can do this on many levels, like emotionally, socially, intellectually, spiritually, physically, sensually and sexually. It takes effort to keep sharing the details of your lives with each other, and more importantly, to share your emotions, concerns, dreams, etc.
The biggest failure in relationships, especial Gay male relationships, is a lack of openness and honesty at all levels. Men tend to keep things inside more, keep secrets, not talk through things, not talk about their past or how they feel. For example, if you have certain sexual fantasies, can you easily share those with your partner, without any fear of rejection, embarrassment, or being put down? Have you both talked extensively about your lives, your past, what is important to you, your values, your outlooks on life, your dreams, plans for the future, etc? Love and Trust go together. To build trust, it is necessary to OPEN yourself up to your lover and let him see who you really are, the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. When he unconditionally loves you, accepts you as you are, and cherishes you, knowing who you really are, there is no better feeling in life. But if you hide parts of yourself, you never know if he really loves you, because he does not really know who you are.
COMMITMENT:
When Greg and I decided to commit to each other, I had already lost two previous relationships, in the years I went to sea. Both men promised, βUntil death do us part,β but at the first sign of problems, neither even tried to talk it through, they looked for a replacement and then left. So for Greg and I, we decided to take a more pragmatic approach, we promised each other to not ever break up until we had exhausted every reasonable attempt to stay together. In other words, we promised to really work hard to stay together. At one point we even went to Marriage Counseling.
We also promised honesty. We agreed that if one of us slipped on a banana and had sex with another man, he must confess it immediately, and it would be forgiven immediately, and we would go back to safe sex until cleared. But this did not over long-standing affairs or numerous repeats. Our view is that FORGIVENESS is critical for a relationship to survive. Why destroy a good relationship over one mistake? We even agreed that if one of really badly wanted sex with another man, he can ask for permission. If he is going to be with someone else, I would rather know. We have both been faithful to each other all of these some 23 years. He asked for an Open Relationship at one point, but neither of us actually did anything with it, and when another guy tried to get me to leave Greg, he decided an Open relationship was not a good idea after all.
Greg and I have never really had a fight. We NEGOTIATE instead of fighting. When an attempt to solve a problem fails, we try another. We have stayed up all night long before trying to talk through something. Deal with problems immediately. If you sit on a problem it will fester and build bigger and bigger. Even seemingly small things left unresolved will cause resentments to start building.
It is important to have some independence within the relationship, where you can pursue your own interests in a hobby or activity, have friends that are just yours, have independent investments and right to buy what you want. But within that freedom and independence you must treat each other with dignity and respect. In our case, we are open about all of it. SECRETS are POISON to relationships. While I could technically veto something he wanted to do or buy, I never have. If I had a problem with what was going on, I would simply talk about it. Try to avoid ever Demanding anything and never give Ultimatums unless you can live with the consequences. Too many people play mind games in relationships, like trying to create jealousy, and this is disrespectful and destructive. We always tell each other where we are going and when we will be back, but this is done out of respect for each other, not to be intrusive.
Some men are very sensitive to feeling smothered. If one of you starts feeling this, then it is important to say something. It is easy to try to blame the other person if you feel smothered, but sometimes it is more a matter of what is happening in your life, rather than what your partner is doing, and sometimes it might be due to what your partner is doing. Either way, talking it through and trying possible solutions will help. At first, my husband felt smothered and had me move into the spare room, and go out dancing 5 to 6 nights a week alone, with him stayed home to get alone time. But a few years later it flipped and he wanted me closer. Just having me be successful and retired already (age 34) would be intimidating. I am low-key anyway, but I did everything I could to be as non-intrusive in his life as I could. I did what he asked around his need for space and the problem resolved itself over time.
You both have to bend like a Palm tree at times. You also need to compromise at times, but the compromise should be such that both of you feel good about it. My husband and I were looking for a piece of furniture and could not find anything we agreed on. We looked at dozens of places and online. Weeks later we finally found something we both actually liked a lot. Compromise does not mean you both give into a solution that neither of you like. Keep working until you are both relatively happy.
Financially and legally, from the beginning we formed Living Trusts and Finical and Health Powers of Attorney that would go into affect if one of us became incapacitated. If you Love each other then be responsible for each other and get any necessary legal work done, like having a Will and Health Care Power of Attorney. You have no idea the nightmare that happens if you do not have a Will, equity agreement if necessary, or home in Joint Deed, etc. When you are grieving you do not want to deal with a legal and paperwork nightmare. Further, I saw the family of one man come in and legally seize all of the property and belongings of both partners and lock the surviving partner out on the street with nothing. Even with my Marriage in Washington State, as soon as we travel those rights disappear. Imagine being in another State of country and one of you gets ill and the other is not even allowed into the hospital room and you have zero say in his treatment.
Financially, we maintain separate Checking accounts and Investments and split all household and utility bills. We used to spit the grocery bills by βhis, mine and sharedβ. Now we simply take an average monthly ratio and split it that way. Out of respect for each other, if we are going to make a major expenditure, we tell each other. I suppose one of could veto a purchase, but it has never happened. We both loan each other money whenever needed, at no interest. This may sound formal to you, but I can tell you that we have never once argued about anything financial, compared to the many other gay couples we observe, where money is often a big issue.
Around sexuality, it is really easy for couples to let sex get boring. I counseled a Gay couple together for 12 years, who had sex maybe once ever 6 to 8 weeks, and it was pretty boring. This was causing them to drift apart. I asked for the specifics how they made love. Basically they did minimal kissing, skipped foreplay and went straight to oral and anal sex, and all was done in 40 minutes or less. I told them that kissing, sensual intimacy and Foreplay take me over an hour, which is what builds and builds passion to a peak, making actual sex far more amazing. They were having sex, not making love. They were also both fairly heavily and openly engaged in online sex stuff, which was diverting their sexual energy. We were able to rekindle the romantic passion and make their sex lives better.
Having sex is when your primary focus is on your own pleasure and satisfaction. Making Love is when your primary focus is on pleasing your partner, which in turn gives you pleasure and fulfillment. There is no greater turn-on that the cries and moans of pleasure from your partner. Too often, it is forgotten that Sexuality is ideally the ultimate expression of your love. When you approach sex from the standpoint of expressing love, it makes a big difference. Sometimes you are both already at the point of stepping in the house, ripping clothes off and jumping right into it, but ideally there is more to love-making than that. Try to avoid getting stuck in a sexual rut doing the same things all the time. Experiment, be versatile, try new things, new positionsβ¦keep looking for new ways to please each other.
I was born with a very high sexual libido, although I have had few sexual partners in my life. Even when I was having sex twice a day with a partner, I usually had to jerk-off too. Masturbation should be freely allowed in a relationship, at least as long as both partners are sexually satisfied. Often one partner may have a different sex-drive than the other. If one partner is left very unsatisfied sexually, then this will become a huge issue over time. If you have very different libidos, then it needs to be talked about and solutions looked for to at least decrease the disparity.
Anyway, I hope you did not mind some pointers. If you guys ever have any questions or problems, please feel free to send me a Note, which will be both private and confidential.
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I don't mind pointers.
However, I did not know that when you travel if something were to happen you would have no say.... We've talked before and I'm trans but he has me so comfortable that I realize that I don't need to prove to the world who I am because him and I both know. We're both very open with each other and let each other cry when they need to.
When I said twin flames...I'm going by what I've been told. I don't know exactly which ones I just know that we've never had physical contact with him yet I can feel his hand in mine, his hair in my fingers, I can smell him, and feel him with me all the time. There's never a time I'm alone. I've stopped being scared because I know he's always there.
I know that being right for each other doesn't mean things will be easy. Relationships can't always go just how you want them, you do have to work because otherwise it would be pointless. I actually almost lost him due to some things that went on and my dad...well it just didn't go well. I only spend money on minutes for my phone because I couldn't deal with the thought of losing him. I'm willing to give it all the work that it takes for the two of us to stay together and when I've talked to him about it he's the same way. We support the other even if it's not our favorite thing. When I had problems with cutting he didn't tell me to stop, he just said he's here for me and wished I didn't but since I had been he always wished he could clean it up for me.
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Once you two are able to live together and travel together, you can fill-out a Health Care Power Of Attorney. You can get blank ones at some stationary stores and may even be able to find them on-line, or can Note you the text to print-out. A Will is also relatively easy, except that you need a couple of witnesses when you get it notarized. When we travel we carry copies of our legal documents. I almost died of Dengue Fever in Thailand, but they are friendly to same-sex couples. I was unconscious for a while, and in other countries this could have been a real problem without legal documents giving him the authority to make medical decisions for me when I am incapacitated.
I am happy to hear that you are feeling better about yourself and how you fit in the world. Everything is so much easier when you are not alone and you know the person accepts and loves you completely for who you are.
I hope you two will be able to be together relatively soon. Perhaps you can Skype on a regular basis, maybe via internet cafes if you cannot do it at home.
It is really great that he recognizes that he should not try to change you, or or try to make you do things, or try to stop you from doing things. I like the example of smoking. If you have a lover who smokes and you canβt stand it, what are your choices? Trying to make him stop smoking is NOT a viable choice. This leaves the choices of investing in a case of mouthwash for him, having him smoke outside or with his head out the window, or leaving him. Imposing your will on a partner, or trying to force that person to bend to your will, always ends in disaster.
It is really hard to do restrain yourself from trying to get your lover to stop things like smoking or cutting, because those things are very harmful to the one you love. Cutting is all about transferring emotional pain into physical pain, but the results are rather short-lived, it can become habitual, and it scars your body. The real solution to cutting is to remove the cause of doing it, which is emotional pain. Being in a loving relationship is a good medicine for emotional pain, especially when the person is very supportive and caring. I am happy to hear that you have been able to stop cutting. It shows how strong you are.
[ Cutting can also be addicting in some people because the act of cutting (especially deeper cutting) can makes your body react as if it is in survival mode, which can cause a release of endorphins and adrenaline, the chemicals that can make you feel euphoric and energetic, and it is this that can be the addictive hook. ]
I wish you both the very best...
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Thank you very much. We have now been together over 22 years and heading towards 23. It is hard to imagine life without each other.
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that's extremely sweet, i'm very happy for you
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Thank you for your kind words. Remember that no one is perfect. Long lasting love requires forgiveness from each other, along with compassion and understanding. There are times I wanted to just leave and end it. We had some hard times. When we first made promises to each other, we did not promise, "Till Death do us part." Instead, we both had learned from life and experience that most break-ups happen because it is so easy sometimes to just walk-away. Therefore, we promised each other to not leave until we had exhausted every reasonable possibility to stay together. I asked for marriage counseling and he said yes, and we both made an effort. This is where it really matters in a relationship, a willingness, a determination and persistence to work through problems and find compromises. My partner admits that I am the one who did most of the bending. It is a relative thing. Bending is easier for me, as i am more like a palm tree, while his nature is more unbending, like an oak tree. Yet if we combine these things together, then as a couple we are stronger and more flexible, better together than apart.
Remember to make an effort to stand in your lovers shoes. This is ever so difficult to do, because it cannot be done unless you can see through his or her eyes of years of life experiences, cultural differences, being raised differently, seeing the world and life differently. It is too easy to judge each other based on yourselves. Also, remember that none of us are mind-readers. Being angry at your partner and expecting an apology is stupid if you don't tell him or her why you are angry. The secret to successful relationships is good communication and honesty. We even agreed to tell each other if we wanted to have an affair. Family SECRETS are horribly destructive.
The best of good fortune in finding love.
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thank you for your advice, it makes sense and you have worded it wonderfully. I hope you and your partner have many more lovely years together
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Apologies for such a late comment; but I just wanted to say congrats.
22 years is a long time for a relationship; my parents haven't even been together that long!
there is obviously love there. I wish you happiness. such a great couple.
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Thank you very much. It shows that even without the institution of marriage as a legal binder, we can gay and Lesbian couples do commit for very long times. We have had many challenges and still do, like with my failing health. In the early years we even went to Marriage Counseling about 6 times. We did not promise each other "until death do us part." Instead we promised that we would not break-up until we had exhausted every reasonable possible way to stay together. This was a commitment to work hard to stay together no matter how bad it got. Remember that forgiveness and compassion is an important piece of the relationship puzzle, to help to stay together. We are all fallible people and can all make mistakes. Some people demand perfection from their partners.
My lesbian sister is also in a very long committed relationship. It is ironic that out of us five siblings, the only ones who have ever been in a stable relationship are the homosexual ones. My mother kept saving the china and other such things for the "first child wedded." As usual, the Queer kids are the youngest born, with older brothers, which greatly increases the odds of having a homosexual child. It is referred to as the, "Older Brother Effect."
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Ah, how much I hate that they still do not allow homosexual marriage in most places. It's really no different from a regular marriage. But I do see your point. I hope your health gets better! But do not worry, all relationships have their flaws; just last year my parents were almost got divorced, an it was said that if it weren't for my sister, brother, and I, they would have. Now, I've never been in a true relationship (I'm only thirteen!!) so I can't really say how you feel. But your words still do mean very much, and I appreciate them. Thanks a bunch!!
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You are most welcome. Remember always that Love does not solve all problems, and the saying, "All you need is love," (The Beetles) has not truth in it. Love is the binder and motivator to help keep a relationship together, but it takes a lot of work, commitment, honesty, openness and trustworthiness to make it work.
Obviously Love is crucial, but love can mean different things to different people.
You might find these deviations to be of some help:
What Is Love All About? [link]
THE CHEMISTRY OF LOVE [link]
What To Look For In A Mate [link]
RELATIONSHIPS [link]
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Thank you, we appreciate it.
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I am glad that You found your love :]
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Y'all make a great couple. I wish y'all happiness.
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Thank you.
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Ur welcome.
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Thank you. We are going on 22 years together. Relationships are very doable. I have hardly ever been single. Before Greg, there was Paul, for 6 years, and before that, Don for 4 years. Alas, going to sea on ships is very rough on relationships.
I offer advice for LGBTQ Love:What Is Love All About? [link]
What To Look For In A Mate [link]
RELATIONSHIPS [link]
THE CHEMISTRY OF LOVE [link]
CELEBRATION of GAY PRIDE [link]
The Science of Homosexuality [link]
The Science of GAYDAR [link]
Are You Straight, Gay, or Bi? [link]
History of The Pink Triangle [link]
The Faces of Teen Suicide [link]
The Torture Of Homosexuals - 1950s to 1980s [link]
These show the truth about Homosexuality and the Bible, which is that God and Christ never had a problem with homosexuality, but translators did. If you want to fight those who use the bible as a weapon against you, or to help you reconcile your Faith with your sexual identity, then read these:
New Testament + Homosexuality [link]
Old Testament + Homosexuality [link]
SODOM DESTROYED ON 6-29-3129BC [link]
IRAN EXECUTES 2 GAY TEENAGERS [link]
Coming Out Gay Age 13, 1969 [link]
HAPPINESS, Fulfillment & Contentment [link]
A PATH TO HAPPINESS [link]
CHOICE - WHO WE ARE [link]
How I Live My Life [link]
Pain and Life Circles [link]
GUIDED IMAGERY FOR HEALING [link] Mathew
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Thank you so much. I hope you can see yourself with one guy for many decades. It is a special thing worth working for. He was my third attempt.
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I may in time, I'm still young
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The young like to flit for flower to flower, tasting of the many nectars, but if you find paradise, it matters not your age, variety is not longer needed.
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*.* ahahah very cute
this is true love
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Thank you. It is not perfect, but it is definitely Love.
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Thats beautiful, this prooves you can love someone no matter what 
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Thank you. I hope that you aim for this, because it is a wonderful thing to have, such a deep love and trust for decades.
No Greg is not Autistic, although he has an issue of his own. We all have our burden to carry in life, even if they cannot be seen.
I like to look at this way, in the words of a Native American Boy: Some people get to travel a well paved road in life, while other have to take muddy, rocky dirt road, but they grow stronger every step they take on the muddy rough road. This is very true of me. My life has been much rougher than most, and easier than many. But I would not be who I am now if my road had been easier. I appreciate everything in life more than most. I feel happiness and contentment at a deeper level. My life now revolves around physical pain that never stops, yet I can still enjoy life, despite the drugs, pain, and severely limited life. My body is crippled, but not my heart, and I would not be able to do this now, if I had n easy road. Yes, you and I have extra challenges, but they can make us better and stronger people, able to appreciate life more than most.
Technically, My Autism Spectrum Disorders look like this, from strongest to weakest, although all of them are pretty strong in me:1. High-Functioning Autism
2. Sensory Integration Dysfunction; New Name: Sensory Processing Disorder
3. Dyspraxia
4. Asperger Syndrome
5. DysgraphiaMatthew
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I only hope to have as fantastic a relationship as you guys seem to.
Best wishes! Thank you so much for sharing your story; I'm only 13 and have already attempted suicide twice, so it was very inspiring for me.
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Thank you. We just had our 21st Anniversary on June 13th. I had a two failed relationships before that, one that was 4 years and one 6 years. I was going to sea two months and home two months, and apparently they could not be good while I was gone, having sex with a ghastly number of men. But I learned from those experiences. Each loss was devastating at the time, yet the result was that i appreciated the next love even more, and felt it more intensely.
Every time one door closes, another really does open. I tried to kill myself at age 13. You can see a photo of me and read about it here [link]
I came close again at 16 and 18, but two days before I planned my demise, something amazing happened. I was not in the Maritime Academy and I discovered that my shipmates seemed to like me and respect me. This was shocking, a new experience. I am Autistic, so I got abuse for growing up gay and Autistic. Life was amazingly different after graduating from High School.
When my last ex-partner left me, I tried to kill myself, and only survived because of an allergic reaction to a sedative. But again, a new door opened and i decided to give it a final Heave-ho try at living, at overcoming the prison of my Autism and depression. Who I am right now is a direct result of that. I turned my life completely around.
I did not know how to ask for help until I called the Suicide hot line (after vomiting up my guts). What I hope you gain from me is a sense of tremendous Hope. The school day will probably be your days.
I am Autistic, plus I have two other brain disorders, I grew up Gay in the 50's, 60's and 70s. I have always had depression, I was physically abused from infancy to age 16, pretty much daily. I was so isolated and alone that I had no idea what sex was until I was 19 (no idea what those swear words meant either). i was sick all the time with a low immune system and allergies. i am also a recovering Catholic. Now if I can overcome all of that and still find joy in life, surly you can...
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Of course I can. Your story really is inspiring, and I hope you feel compelled to share it beyond dA, because everyone deserves to hear it.
Thank you.
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I would like to speak to a wider audience, but I am disabled, homebound, and not going to last much longer. Usable time and energy are very shot. I developed arthritis at around age 12, which led to degenerate nerve disease. I am only 55, but have the joints and spine of a 100 year old ma, LOL.
I have learned to live off of the tiny things all around me. A smile, the sun on my face, a great song, kids laughing down the street, a pleasant memory, and the connections I make here on DA. I live off of what everyone else seldom ever notice or care about. I see beauty where others do not. The less I am able to do, the I appreciate what I can do. The less I have, the more I appreciate what do i have.
Remember what matters most in life, it is those we love and those who love us. In this way, I am most wealthy, for I have an abundance of love in my life. I will not lie, my life is largely defined by physical pain. We all have burden to carry in life, the secret is to not let those burdens limit what really matters in life.
When you feel depressed and lonely, the brain automatically wants to isolate, which is the worse thing you can do. Do the opposite.
You might find this of interest: A PATH TO HAPPINESS [link]
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I know I'm at an advantage in my life -- loving mother, supportive friends, top grades, promise of a good future. But in my area, people even associated with gays are subject to bullying. I was once beaten up and left in the school bathroom until I could find my cell phone and get someone to help me. I still haven't told my mother, but I will within the month. I'm afraid that the rest of my close-minded family will shut me out. My mother and her twin are the only ones who I could imagine would accept me.
I am also clinically depressed and schizophrenic, the latter of which only two dear friends are aware of.
You truly are one the most inspiring people I've had the pleasure of reading the stories of. Your ability to look past things so stifling and dark to find brightness is not only astounding, but extremely rare.
Thank you.
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Thank you for writing. Please know that the ability to push through adversity, depression, and pain is something we can all do. I have attempted suicide twice, and came close other times. I still have depression, but learned how to control it and still get enjoyment from life. So I have been to the bottom of the pit. Survival starts with CHOICE. Choose to keep pushing and get out of the pit. With my Autism, it was terrifying just to meet a stranger and shake hands. I was afraid all the time. I was very successful in my job, and no one knew how afraid I was all the time. I faced death 6 times at sea, to rescue others or the save the ship. It was a matter of duty and responsibility to me, despite being terrified.
Of all the virtues, Courage is the most important, for without it you cannot fulfill any of the others, you cannot even really live. Where does the courage come from? It starts with CHOICE to do the thing that terrifies you. Then it takes forming determination to do it, reminding yourself why it has to be done. Being courageous at least offers HOPE of change, of getting out of the pit. You may fail, you may go to tell your truth or do what needs to be done, then falter. This is where PERSISTENCE comes in. Don't give up, try again.
After trying to kill myself, at age 34,I knew I had to escape my Autism, or die. I found a dance place for lesbians and Gays. I set myself a Quota to introduce myself to one stranger a night. Just looking a person in the eyes is difficult for me. It took two weeks and some failed attempts, but I did it, then again and again, 6 nights a week. I ended up with many friends a very large social network. People who knew me from before were shocked. I was like a different person. One of my disorders should prevent me from dancing (SID). But I took lessons for years. The Neurologist said that I literally rewired my brain. It is called Neuroplasticity.
I do what I call PUSHING. I PUSH myself through things. I dislike calling strangers on the Phone, so I would make a check off list and rehearse what to say. In school I was called a moron, spas, idiot, Retard, and all the rest of it. I got good grades by studying constantly and no having much else of a life. I was diagnosed as being mentally retarded in First grade. In Ninth Grade we took IQ tests that said I was on the very bottom of the Intelligence curve.
Yet I graduated at the top of my HS class. I went into a Merchant Marine Academy and completed a 4 year Engineering Degree in 3 years, and graduated number 1. I went to sea and worked up to Chief Engineer, terrified all the time, but slowly gaining confidence. You see, I had partially bought into the constant message that i was stupid.
In school, I had no homophobia, simply because I was stalked by girls, 3 girls in Junior High School and one girl all through High School. Frankly, I was so innocent that I had no idea what sex was until age 19, but I did know I was attracted romantically to boys. At age 20 I found out about Gay sex when I got violently raped. What later drove me out to look for gay men was not sex, it was a DESPERATE need for love and intimacy, something that was devoid in my life so far.
Each thing was just another to Push through. But please remember the other really important part of success, which is to focus on the good things and the positive things, and the successes, NOT focusing on failures and the bad and negative things. Only seeing bad is like going though life with dark sunglasses on.
About telling you Mother of your beating, I think that is important to do. Coming out to her depends on how you think she might react. One way to test her is to bring the subject up at supper, like I met a Lesbian girl at school and she seemed nice. Then see how she reacts.
Finally, it really helps to have at least one person you can completely confide in, and get nurturing from. Homophobia isolated kids and adults, and ISOLATION EQUALS DEPRESSION. The less isolated you can become, the better. Maybe it has to wait for graduation, but I hope not. I can tell you that life change completely for me after graduating. In the Academy, my shipmates became a new family for me. Amazingly they accepted me, liked me and respected me, compared to just months before when the guys in High school, about the same age, rejected me and picked on me. There is a sick social structure in school.
I wish you the best of luck.
Matthew
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the love between you two can be felt in this image .... it's truly awesome .. and congrats!
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Thanks, that is really nice of you to say. We are now heading towards 21 years together. We had some rough times in the beginning. We are very different people with little in common. While this is very challenging, it has big rewards. I opened another world and new perspectives to him, and he did the same for me. Where I am weak he is strong and where he is weak I am strong.
At first, it was like two bulls in the same corral with no cows. Hmm. I think I became the cow, lol. We are both strong personalities. We have never really had a fight, in the sense of raised voices or throwing things. We have certainly disagreed many times.
We approached our relationship from a unique direction. We did not promise each other until death do us part. Two men had already promised me that, then did not even try to make it work. I was going to sea at the time, which is rough on a relationship, but I would have been willing to do something else. Anyway, we decided to instead promise that we would never separate until we had exhausted all reasonable possibilities and effort to save the relationship. We even ended up in marriage counseling at one point. Some nights we talked all night long, sometimes going in circles, but we never gave-up in each other.
We also agreed that it would be stupid to ruin a relationship over a single mistake of sleeping with another man. We agreed that if it happened, you had to confess immediately, and it would be forgiven immediately. This was not meant for repeated offenses. But we also agreed that if we ever seriously wanted sex with another man that it was Ok to ask for permission, with the understanding that it would be yes. It is a matter of respect to ask. But in 20 years, we have been faithful to each other.
Love does not make a relationship. Love is like a glue to help hold you together. Love is what keeps sex interesting for a lifetime with one person. Love is what keeps your partner looking hot and beautiful for a lifetime.
When I met Greg, I was not attracted to him at all, no chemistry. I needed a dance partner for the lesson that night. He was alone that one night (his friend was away on business). I asked him if he would be my partner for the lesson and he said yes. I had a lot of fun with him during the lesson and dancing afterward. I asked him if he was interested in pursuing a friendship, and asked him for his phone number. He was reluctant, but I prevailed. When I called him 2 days later, he said he was booked for 6 weeks. We did eventually get together for dinner a number of times, movies, a State Fair, etc.
Then we went on a canoeing trip to Lake Crescent, a day trip. We got back to his place in late afternoon. When he walked into the room, the sun fell across his face and it suddenly stuck me how handsome he looked, and that I was hard as a rock. Being the open man that I am, I naturally told him what happened. I told him that the only way I could go from not being attracted to him, to being turned on by him, was love, and would you have an interest in dating me? He said yes.
We agreed on no sex unless, or until, we both decided we wanted a relationship. Sexual energy is powerful enough to fog the mind and your judgment. It took about 5 months. About one month into dating we decided to get tested for HIV and STD's, and to show each other the lab test results. We figure it was a sign of respect for each other's life, rather than a trust issue. When we decided to be a couple, we decided to make a big deal of it. Greg got ferry tickets from Seattle to Victoria Canada and I got tickets to Phantom of the Opera, at the Queen Elizabeth theater, and a nice Hotel room. That is when we consummated our relationship. We used safe-sex for 2 months (for a total of 6 months between tests), then got tested again and showed each other the results.
Romance is cool.
If you ever have any questions, issues, or problems, please feel free to Note me.
If you have an interest, I have some other GLBTQ deviations:
CELEBRATION of GAY PRIDE [link]
The Science of GAYDAR [link]
The Science of Homosexuality [link]
What To Look For In A Mate [link]
RELATIONSHIPS [link]
THE CHEMISTRY OF LOVE [link]
HUMAN INTIMACY - 101 [link]
What Is Love All About? [link]
These show the truth about Homosexuality and the Bible, which is that God and Christ never had a problem with homosexuality, but translators did. If you want to fight those who use the bible as a weapon against you, or to help you reconcile your Faith with your sexual identity, then read these:
New Testament + Homosexuality [link]
Old Testament + Homosexuality [link]
and other GBLTQ WRITINGS at: [link]
Matthew
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Love is awesome 
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