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inspiredcreativity — What To Look For In A Mate
Published: 2009-02-07 22:22:23 +0000 UTC; Views: 5189; Favourites: 29; Downloads: 41
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Many people construct a real or virtual check-off LIST of criteria that a potential mate must pass—a list based on what they believe they want and need from a mate in their life. But such lists seldom put the issues in the correct context. A trait that might be really bad in one man, could be good thing in another man. Dating criteria tend to be too rigid and heavy handed. There are things you would reject a man for that might be potentially good for you to have in your life that you are not yet aware of. There are a few thing about my partner I thought were negatives, but turned out to be positive things, and something I thought to be a good thing that turned into a not so good thing.The following is not meant to suggest that a mate needs to be perfect, or if her or she has some issues the person should be dumped. I talk about various positive and negative things to look for in a potential mate, when you are dating someone, who will have the best potential for a healthy a relationship. If you fall in love with someone who has a major issue or issues, the question is if those issues can be overcome, leading to a relatively healthy relationship.
Obviously, all of us have some issues and none of us are perfect. If a couple is aware of major issues, they can be worked on. After my last break-up, I was very depressed and realized I had become codependent (taking care of an addict). I decided to take a year of dating and sex and focus on getting better, and learning how to be a happy person on my own, without needing anyone. When I met my current husband, I had already been in counseling for a year and had achieved my main goals, but continued counseling to ensure that I did not slip back into old patterns. I continued counseling until I no longer needed it. I was fully open and honest about what was going on. If we had met a year earlier, I was in no condition to be a healthy partner for him.
Some issues are critical, like communicating. If a person is unable to communicate with you about important matters, about their feelings and inner thoughts, the relationship is doomed. You can’t fix issues you can’t talk about. In one couple I saw, one partner would run away from the conversation or start crying whenever the topics of finances, getting a job, doing her share of the chores, etc, were raised. They could talk about everything just fine, except the things that were tearing them apart. When we tried to talk about this issue, she was unwilling to continue. They broke-up. Partners need be willing to work on issues that affect the relationship.
If issues are extreme, the odds of success are lower. A potential mate being in counseling and working on issues does not ensure that progress is being made. Therefore, if you want to continue to pursue a relationship with the person, date the person long enough to see if the big issue is improving. There may be a point where you must bail-out. For example, a young woman was being beaten whenever her wife went into rage attacks (one in front of me). The other woman was in counseling continuously for their 5 years together, to control her rage, all the time beating on her wife, until the young woman walked away, still loving her wife. The woman with the rage issues was not committed to change. Going to counseling was an empty promise, a pacifier.
Bottom line, some people with issues that would negatively impact a relationship, are committed to overcoming those issues and will overcome them, while some are not motivated enough, not ready or not yet able to get better.
Ideally, there should be a short list of critical issues. This is mine: 1. Is he a man who wants to do things for me to make me happy, a guy who will cherish me?
2. Is he a man who is open and honest about himself and talks about himself in a balanced way?
3. Is he a man who is interested in who I am and listens intently to me?
4. Is he a man who will respect and honor me?
5. Were he to ask these questions of me, can I equally fulfill them?
For me, the most important qualities in a guy are (for a potential loving partner in a long-term committed relationship): 1. Honesty, Openness & Integrity
2. Being able & willing to share of himself with you (being able to participate in a loving relationship).
3. Being able to be OPEN about himself and his life, as well as share his life with you, including his feelings, emotions and thoughts.
4. Being able to trust you, and be trustworthy.
5. Being able to accept you as you are, without trying to change who you are.
6. Being able and willing to respect your thoughts, beliefs, and spirituality.
7. Being able to see each other as equal partners (not ever measured by money).
8. Someone who can negotiate and discuss issues fairly, and not fight or compete.
9. Being capable and willing to make a commitment.
10. Have PASSION for each other.
11. Have relatively well matching sex drives (avoid drastically different).
12. Not sexually limited or inhibited.
13. Sharing some common goals & Interests.
14. Is not dealing with a mental health issue, like being very codependent, having depression, anxiety disorder, schizophrenia, phobias, OCD, and others that would distort the relationship and negatively affect the relationship. If a man has an issue, like depression, but he is getting counseling and seriously working on it, this is a very positive thing, but if he is unwilling to acknowledge his issues or seek help, then the odds are against a successful relationship.
15. Is not already married (Double-check this), unless you and the other two people are willing to do a Polyamorous Relationship (more than two people).
16. Is addicted to alcohol, recreational drugs, gambling, sex, shopping, etc, and NOT in recovery for a reasonable time.For #2 above: We can intimately share of ourselves, and connect with others, on a number of different levels, such as: _ Socially,
__ Physically,
___ Spiritually,
_____ Emotionally,
______ Intellectually,
_______ Sharing of the Heart,
_________ And the Sharing of Space and Time (living together, roommates, growing up with siblings).The Depth of the Sharing, and the Span of Time Shared, Determines the Depth of Love.
Doing Something Selfless for Another, is also an Expression of Love.
Ideally, with a partner, we would be able to share on as many of those levels as possible. But if you do not share well socially, as an example, friends can fill that gap. It is not likely that any set of partners are going to be able to share well on all levels.
WHAT TO AVOID IN A MATE
Types of people to avoid falling in love with:
If you are gay, avoid guys professing to be straight BEWARE Masks or Facades people use to hide who they really are, or try to appear to be what they are not (very common) Anyone unwilling to talk about themselves, their feelings, etc. Liars, deceivers and untrustworthy people Those sexually limited, physically or psychologically, unless you want the same thing. Those with serious intimacy issues Those unable to be faithful to you Untreated Addictions (Alcohol, Drugs, Gamblings, Sex, etc. Untreated Mental Health Disorders Untreated CODEPENDENCY Disorder Control freaks Anyone who is emotionally shut down and unwilling to work on it Lazy bums who live off of everyone else Drug dealers and criminals Anyone already in a relationship or married11 Unless you and the other two people are willing to be in a Polyamorous or Polyfidelity relationship (a relationship with more than two people).There are no Perfects Mates out there. WE ALL HAVE PROBLEMS. It is just that some problems are so big that it is guaranteed to cause you misery.
If you have one of more of those issues, starting dealing with those issues in a very serious way now, so that you can have a long and healthy relationship. I stopped dating for a year while I worked on overcoming my Depression and overcoming issues created by my Autism. I succeeded, and a year after starting, I met my partner of over 21 years. The above issues can put an incredible strain on a relationship and on the other person in the relationship. Further, the other person typically enables your issues by taking care of you, making it much less likely you will get help or get better.
© Matthew Barry 1985, 2003, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2014, 2015, 2016
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Comments: 54
To what extent would you say that you "use" this for friends too?
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Friendship love can be almost as intensive as romantic love. A friendship may endure through you having multiple romantic relationships. When we meet strangers, typically we quickly discern if we have an affinity for, or a rapport with the other person. Some people just 'click' with us. This is true for meeting both freinds and lovers. But as we get to know each other better, there may be obstacles from forming a deeper friendship or relationship. There are things about some people that can end up causing us grief and heartache later. The other person might be a 'user,' a person who is just there to use you and take advantage of you, only take and never give. The other person may not really respect your views or expect you to always agree with them, etc.
To answer your question, many of the criteria I mention for what to look for in a romantic mate, can certainly apply to friendships as well, except for sexual passion, and other sexual and romantic criteria I mentioned. Other criteria, like having the same goals, or willing to commit to each other (to live to gather as equal partners) would not apply to a friendship. Just as in romantic relationships, friendships need maintenance, need time together doing things interactive things, talking/sharing, etc. Friends should not be taken for granted.
Expectations: After a lifetime, if you can name 6 amazing best freinds (deep friendships), it is an accomplishment. There is a big difference between best freinds, freinds, casual freinds and acquaintances. I have had some very good friends, but alas, 8 of them fell in love with me, then decided being freinds was too painful if they could not have me romantically. One of them I loved as much as my husband, but in different ways. I have also had a few amazing friendships that got interrupted by moving far away. While you can maintain a connection, it definitely fades over time, unless you can manage to get together on a regular basis. Yes, you can be separated for 15 years, see each other and have a great time visiting, it is just not the same at all, you are different people after all of that time. Sometimes you think some people are freinds, until a time of need and you find yourself abandoned. This is life and sometimes you learn who your true freinds are, the hard way.
I should also mention that you can obviously become freinds with a person who is depressed or has other mental, addictive or behavioral problems, but if it drags on without the person getting help and overcoming their problems, it will likely drag you down (sap your mood, energy and time). Plus, there is a big danger of you enabling the other person's problems. The more you keep trying to help the person, support the person, clean up their messes, etc, the more you enable them to not get better, and to keep using you. I found out about this with freinds who had addictions, and a husband with alcohol, drug and sexual addictions. I tend to be codependent and take care of people too much. Therefore, this is something to keep in mind.
CONCLUSION: I could rewrite the lists in the deviation for you, for friendship instead of romance, but I imagine you can figure most of it out on your own. Feel free to ask about any particular criteria you would like to talk about more. As for what I use currently for apply to friends, alas, I have few left, since I have been homebound for some 15 years, not allowing me to socialize at all, or get out to see people. I do have a few friend I see regularly, but the rest have drifted away. I am very isolated. That said, I have a loving husband and I get by, day-by-day. For me to go out to see a movie or have dinner with a friend is a major undertaking, which takes a few days to recover from (pain). such is life.
it is good to hear from you again. All the best, Matthew
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12. Not sexually limited or inhibited.
What, people who can't/doesn't want to have sex can't be with someone with a low sex drive? I find this pretty insulting.
14. Is not severely codependent, or have any significant Mental health disease.
People with mental health issues need love perhaps more than average people. I also find this insulting. Some really need extra help to get over problems. That's a major reason social connections are even established in the first place- for support. If you were to suggest focusing on friendships instead of romantic relationships in this case, I could go along with that.
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Research will show that the estimated work population of Asexual people to be about 1% of the population. Frankly, such numbers are as outdated as saying homosexuals make up about 10% of the population. But what everyone seems to agree on is that Asexual people make up a very small percentage of the world population. I was basically writing to the vast majority of readers.
However, I do agree that this could be reworded for greater clarity. Elsewhere in the deviation I talked about how problems arise the further apart a couple is in sexual libido. It really is true that couples have the most strife over Money, Sex and Control/Power issues. Sexual issues are usually over differences in libido, or in changes in libido. Other issues around the quality of sexual intimacy. If you are a person with a body wanting sexual intimacy twice a day, and your partner wants sexual intimacy once ever three months, you have a huge problems and a lot of strife. If the couple is well-matched, sexual intimacy is not an issue. Other times, sexual intimacy is doing Ok, then one partner starts losing interest in sex.
If you are falling for a person who has a Love Sex Dissociation Disorder, then any kind of sexual Intimacy between the two of you will quickly disappear, and that person will be seeking sex with strangers and leaving you with nothing. This is something you should know ahead of time, if possible.
If both partners are asexual, there is no strife. However, I can tell you how much I suffered in a relationship with almost no physical intimacy or sexual intimacy, to love someone and get sign of it in the physical world, to love a person and be turned-on by the person regularly, but not ever be able to connect and share on the physical plain. Even worse when the person refuses to see a doctor or shrine to see what changed so suddenly, since the person had been sexually active before meeting you.
Therefore, I can reword is this:
12: Not sexually limited or inhibited in a way to be incompatible with you.
. . . . . . . . .
Of course people with mental health issues need love perhaps more than average people. But they certainly do not need their issues enabled and worsened by being in a romantic relationship. I am a recovered Codependent. I know what it is to live with a drug addict, an alcoholic and someone with significant mental issues. It severely distorts you and the relationship. A person should either deal with those issues before entering into a romantic relationship, or at the very least disclose those issues.
I have worked with a number of people who entered into a romantic relationship, only to find out the person they loved went into rages and beat them up, or was an alcoholic, or went into deep depression but refused to get help, or turned out to be a drug addict. I know a Lesbian who stuck it out for 5 years, being beat-up on a regal basis, her lover in counseling the entire time, always swearing the violence would never happen again. Addicts will lie, cheat, steal, and betray you, repeatedly, to get their 'fix,' be it gambling, drugs, alcohol or sex.
Yet you think it wrong of me to warn young people to avoid entering into relationships with a person who Is severely codependent, or has any significant Mental health disease." You seem to think it would be a good idea to be in relationships like this.
The idea is for people to get help and overcome the worse of their problems, so that they do not end up causing immense suffering in the one they proclaim to love.
By the time it was over, I was rather damaged myself. The survivors of living with and caring for addicts and those with significant mental disorders, typically end up Codependent. I decided to stop dating for one year to specifically get mentally healthy enough to be in a healthy Relationship. I had worked on my depression, Autism and Codependency issues. I wanted to bring health and positive energy to any loving relationship I entered. A healthy relationship is based in mutual Desire, Not in mutual NEED.
If you want to enter into a Romantic relationship with some who is a drug addict, alcoholic, has untreated Schizophrenia, like to beat you, has sever depression or Codependency, is a sex addict behind your back, steals form you and on and on, then all the more power to you, but you are obviously ignorant of what that will mean to your life. A romantic partner cannot directly help their own partner, even if that person is a psychologist, because the dynamics of relationships does not allow that.
Anyone who says that all you need is Love to solve all problems is an idiot. Love solves nothing at all, nor does it even make a relationship work. Love gives you the impetus and motivation to keep working on the issues and the relationship. You cannot heal an addict, he or she must do it. You can offer support, but if it is enabling, all you are doing is harming the addict even more and preventing the addict from getting better—killing the person with love. No matter how hard you try, or how much you love the person, chances are all you do is enable that persons addiction or mental disorder, by caretaking. If he or she is passed-out drunk in the gutter, you keep rescuing.
When I try to help people who are suicidal, depressed, have an eating disorder, etc, I can do nothing if that person is not committed fully to getting better. When I get someone who is fully ready and willing to do what ever it takes to get better, I see amazing results, like overcoming the majority of a problem within 3 months, while others play at it for decades, never willing to do the hard work needed to get better. With love, we can often helot to motivate a person, but just as often, it has the opposite effect.
Therefore, again, in forming a romantic life-long relationship, there should be full disclosure, full openness and honesty about each other, and if there are major personal issues, that person should seek help and focus first on getting better, then look at committing to a relationship.
I have been in Marriage counseling, and I do marriage counseling. When one of my partners and I went into Marriage counseling, and he identified issues that we each had, he wanted each us to see a different therapist and work on those issues. Often marital issues stem from one or both partners having a major personal issue.
My advice in this deviation is for those looking for a good mate, a good match.
KEY & LOCK
Finding a good match for yourself is like finding the right key to unlock a lock. The key has unique grooves and niches. Indie the lock, there are tumblers that need to match the key, or it will not rotate and unlock. There are many, many wonderful people out there for you, and none of them will perfectly match, so you are looking for close-matches. You date people and often they are close, but just not close enough, like maybe not inspiring your love. Breaking-up is almost never about REJECTION, it is just saying that you don't match good enough to share a life with you.
In a Healthy relationship, you both should feel honored, respected and cherished by each other. I am giving a list to help improve the odds of finding someone healthy for you.
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Hi,
I suspect that your "hopeless psycho" nature is a good thing to have... The kind of mental health issues I speak of are ones that cause a great deal of suffering for both partners and ultimately tears them apart. I happen to like guys who are different, eccentric, who are ALIVE and unpredictable, passionate. I do not see those kinds of things as mental health issue.
I suppose I should update the deviation to be more clear on this, but I was trying to make it shorter and more readable.
I think every human being has some mental health issues. It is when those problems become substantial that they can tear apart a budding relationship. I tried to kill myself at age 34, then decided to not date anyone for a year and just focus on getting over my depression and Autism problems. After a year I was a very different man, much improved, and then I met my current partner. We have been together 22 years now.
Many people figure that if they can just find Mr. Right to rescue them, then life will be wonderful and all of their problems will go away, but it never works out that way. What I have learned in over two decades as a Peer Counselor, is that if you have significant personal issues, it is really helpful to deal with those issues before getting in a relationship. It is harder to work on your issues when you are in a relationship, especially when your partner is enabling your problem, and when you are less motivated to deal with your problems.
I have done a fair amount of Gay Couples counseling. Sometimes it is just a matter of helping them learn how to communicate better together and understand each other better. But often there is some serious issue involved, such as love & sex disassociation, depression, anger, anxiety, rage, domestic violence, severe jealousy, addictions, etc.
In my first two relationships, I had a lot of Codependency and Depression problems, as did my first two partners. Such things end up tearing you apart eventually. Unfortunately, I attracted the very guys who were bad for me, namely those who needed to be taken care of, since I had a need to take care of guys. Sounds like a match made in heaven, but it is very unhealthy for both, and the dysfunction get amplifies over time until it tears you apart.
I was also married to a guy (#2) who was an alcoholic and drug addict, and it is beyond description of how bad that was. If you hate yourself and have no self-esteem (something I once felt), finding a relationship and love might help you, but more often your affliction harms your partner.
My Lesbian sister was physically abused by one of her partners, and no amount of therapy was helping. Another was a shopaholic, the kind that spends tens of thousands of dollars buying things and shoving them in closet without ever even opening the packages. She was also allergic to working for a living and to helping to maintain the home. She then found a woman who was a real keeper, and they are still madly in love after 12 years.
If you do decide to commit to a person with substantial mental health issues, then you should at least do so with eyes wide open and with realistic expectations and a willingness to kiss happiness goodbye. The only hope is that your partner will get help and then work and overcoming his or her issues. There are those who will wait for 20 years for a partner to get help, then finally realize it is not going to happen as long as they are present.
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Thank you. You might also like reading:
What Is Love All About? [link]
RELATIONSHIPS [link]
THE CHEMISTRY OF LOVE [link]
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I've tried all of these w/ my last bf and it never worked out.
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You can have Mr. Right and still not be a good match. I use an analogy of a key in a lock. Two people need to match up in many ways before the key will turn and open the door. The chemistry has to be there too, both have to be ready, willing and desiring a relationship, and when you are very young, you both need to really work at the relationship, because both of you are rapidly changing and developing. In five years you can become a very different person.
The biggest single problem in dating and relationships is people hiding behind a mask. Many create a mask based on what they think you are looking for. I urge dating for like a year before making a commitment, but even then I have seen both men and women hide who they are until after marriage. You see this a lot in Straight marriages. At sea, guys would complain all the time that the moment they married a woman, she turned into a different person.
This is why it is really important to no notice subtle behavior, especially under stress. When I was crazy about a person, I found that I was discounting the evidence in front of me, not paying attention to it, brushing it off as unimportant. My second partner confessed that he targeted me for my money. Pretty much everything I knew about him was a lie.
Honest and openness are critical, but it takes a fair amount of time and observation to build trust. I used to give my trust blindly and automatically, and got used and abused a lot.
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That is 1 mistake I'm never gonna do; get married. I understand what ur saying, but every time I think he's finally gonna change, he cheated on me and it hurt so damn bad. It was my dumb ass who took him back 4 times and when I found out he cheated on me the last time, i took all of his shit (even the engagement ring) and threw it @ him and told him that if he ever tries 2 contact me again, I'll have him arrested 4 phone harassment. Yes, I still have a place 4 him in my heart (`cause he was my 1st love), but I'm not in love w/ him. I don't wish him any bad luck or misfortune. I just wish he would've told me about it be4 the wedding that way I wouldn't have said yes 2 marring him. There have been times 2 where I would look him up on Facebook and ask hm if we can get back 2gether, but then stopped myself and then I'd go talk 2 either my mom, dad, grandma or my aunt and they all told me that I could do better then that. Actually, this song is what caught my attention:
[link]
But I know now that I CAN do better then him and I know that I can find Mr.Right if I put my heart and mind in2 it. I just hope that I don't get another guy that's like him.
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When you cheated twice, this was a sign that it is habitual with him and you can't trust him. There is a serious intimacy issue where Love gets separated from sex, where sex is no longer an expression of love. The person might love you but is incapable of being faithful. To them, sex is sex and love is love and they do not go together. It is rather sad, because he will probably be stuck in this pattern all his life. If it progressed, it turns in Sexual Addiction. Typically, this pattern is set from being sexually promiscuous in youth, and becoming sexually active at a young age.
The man most likely to be faithful to you is one who remained a virgin until around age 18 or later, or had only one or two at the most sexual relationships in youth.
You do need to be careful, because we can get in a pattern of being attracted to those who are bad to us, like happened to me. Just date a guy for along time. Se how open he is about himself. If he is on a date with you and is staring at other women, this is not a good sign. We all look, but on a date your focus should b on the one you are with.
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That's the whole point, though. He never took me out on a date. We was suppose 2 get married by new years of '09 after graduation. But it never happened. I was so heartbroken and pissed off @ him. The day after we broke up, he came back and asked me back and I told him "Hell no!" and shot @ him. I only grazed his arm. I was wanting 2 do more then that. That night they had 2 arrest me and put me in the mental hospital 4 a couple of weeks. But I still want 2 get my revenge on him.
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Believe me, I know how seductive Rage, Hate, and lusting for revenge and retribution are, because they feel good in a way, and make you feel empowered and in-control, but it is a big delusion, it is the opposite in reality. REVENGE, HATE, RETRIBUTION, RAGE are all like YOU taking POSION, then waiting for HIM to die. Those negative forces eat you from the inside out and destroy your life and you.
You end up more damaged than him. How many years will your life and emotions be controlled by him. Every time you think about him, marriage, men in general, it can pull up the rage and hate. The stress messes up memory and the stress hormones like cortisol attack your entire body. You blood pressure stays elevated. Hate can build and build. People say that once they can get revenge and retribution then they will no longer be angry, but guess what, it never works out that way, the rage and hate stays with you. Victims and families of victims say they the perpetrator to go to prison or be executed to get closure, yet it never gives closure.
I have met women who have come to hate all men, even Gay men, and some become lesbians even if they are only leaning that way a little. It is that be alone all your life.We call these Man-Hater Lesbians and even other Lesbians find them tedious people to be around.
These negative feelings and emotions prevent you from being happy. Depression will likely set in. Some people live like this for 10 to 20 years, before they finally decide to LET GO, out of desperation.
I would urge you to start letting Go of all of that negative stuff. The place to start is to understand the nature of the beast better. First of all, Boy can be as much as 3 to 5 years behind a girl in the maturation process. Next, After puberty, girls see a shift in the handling of emotions and feelings from the Amygdala to their Frontal Cortex, where the higher cognitive functions take place and where there are many connection to your verbal centers. This never happens in boys and men, who have much more problems sorting and understanding emotions and feelings. It is common to see a man come to some weird conclusion about his feelings that are not even close to reality, because there are maybe 3 or 4 emotions being mixed. Also, men can only read small number of emotions, facial expressions and body language, compared to women.
Ask a 17 year-old girl how she feels and why and she can talk a half-hour or more on it. Ask a 17-year-old boy how he feels and why and all you may get is, "UM, I don't know, fine." Part of the problem is that he probably has no idea what he wants and no idea how to figure out what he wants and what he is feeling. This is where women often play a very important role on men's lives. if a woman can get a man to open-up more, she can help him sort through things. ALAS, boys are often taught to not talk about emotions and to not show some, like crying. Boys do not have social groups like girls do, where you get lots of practice sharing.
You can also look to how he was raised, his role models (or lack of) his own family dynamics, how he learned his values, and how he learned how to properly treat people. Are there drugs or alcohol involved? Some men never do seem to mature. Some men, like my Grandfather, was a good man, but he was so self-centered that he was like a Bull in a China shop. He hurt people all around him and he was clueless to it. I would point out that he had just left a person near to tears, and it upset him and he said I don't want to hurt people. He may eventually learn better values and come to understand better how to treat people, how to treat people with dignity, respect and honor.
I suspect that he has an Intimacy Issue where Love becomes separated from Sex. This could happen if he was sexually promiscuous with other girls growing up, or if he had a trauma, like being molested (male or female) at a young age. This makes it much more likely they he will cheat with other girls. Another possibility is that if he only had sex with you, boys can suddenly wonder if they are setting down too fast and what if there is someone better for him. Maybe he is just not mature enough for marriage. maybe marriage terrified him. Recognize that he is obviously a fallible human being who has his priorities all messed-up and he is floundering around. Were your Expectations of him too high for what he was capable of? Did you both want the same things?
When you resort to violence, hater, rage, and lust for revenge, this makes you sink to his level. Please rise up above all of that.
Apply COMPASSION. You have been badly hurt. I do not know if he is in pain, but considering that he keeps coming back to you suggests that he is. But in addition, he is flawed in a way that he will be unable to find and keep love, unless or until he can change and improve. Your possible future love life is much more promising than his.
If you had killed him, you would be locked up much of your life, for what? Then maybe his family would want revenge on you, and get it, and then your family want revenge on them, on it goes. If I can let go of being violently raped, of being physically abused for 16 years, of having a husband cheat on me some 70 times, then steal much of what I had, then surely you can Let go of this. I was able to move-on with life and be happy again fairly quickly.
It is time to Let Go and Move-on with life, ready to love again. It is either that grow old sour and hard. Loving intensely means hurting intensely. Love and pain go together, hand in glove. We tolerate the pain because the love is so special.
My Love for a year turned out to already have a partner, and I was being used as the boy on the side. So I married his younger brother, LOl. Each time I had my heart ripped-out and trampled on, I appreciated my new love even more and felt it more intensely, plus I learned lessons. Now I have been with the same guy for 22 years.
We humans need to give each other a break. There is too much hate, too much revenge and not enough Love.
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I understand that, but he just pissed me off so ad...... and he knew I don't have much of a fuse 2 burn or a temper.
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I have everything is settled down now. I am still freinds with my two ex-partners and I will always have a love for them, despite the betrayals and bad things done.
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Everything is settled down. Thanks 4 asking.
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"WHAT TO AVOID IN A MATE
Types of people to avoid falling in love with:
- if you are gay, avoid guys professing to be straight
- BEWARE false Facades or Masks, where people try to appear to be what they are not (very common)
- those limited or unable to be physically and sexually intimate
- those unable to be faithful to you
- drug addicts
- alcoholics
- sex addicts
- the mentally deranged
- severe codependents (very needy, or trying to do everything for you)
- control freaks
- those with severe intimacy issues
- anyone who is emotionally shut down
- anyone unwilling to talk about themselves, their feelings, etc.
- lazy bums who live off of everyone else
- drug dealers and criminals
- liars and untrustworthy people
- anyone already in a relationship or married (unless his or her relationship is an "Open Relationship" and it is out in the open with ALL parties aware of what is going on and approve; or you are willing to be in a Polyamorous or Polyfidelity relationship)."
Damn, what if I'M one or more of these? Should people avoid ME as a partner?
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I really wish I had more time to update my deviations. I have gotten to some of them but not this one.
I used to be severely codependent and still am to some degree. I also had two relations fail because we were all that way. My first relationship was less that year and ended when I found out I was the mistress and his partner worked night shifts. This pushed me hard into the codependency direction. Anyway, I usually don't even count it as a relationship. Then there was Donald and then Paul. When that one failed, I tried to kill myself. There was more going on at the time, but that was the real push to die. I finally started to focus on getting better. I had no idea what codependency was until then.
I am also Autistic, but no ever guessed by the time I was with don and Paul. I hid it and struggled with it, pushed through the constant fears... I made a promise to myself to not date any men and to be celibate for a year, and simply focus 100% on getting mentally better. I wanted to be able to have on my own and not through other people. I wanted to be relatively mentally healthy and attract the same.
When I was very depressed and looking for a replacement husband (before the suicide) nobody wanted anything to do with me. i must have been oozing neediness and depression. When I was getting much healthier and had started dancing, I started getting asked out a number of times each week, although I told them it could be for friendship only. After a year, I met my current partner of 21, going on 22 years.
The short answer to your question is yes, unless you are actively working on your issues. I have tried being with a drug addict and alcoholic, someone unable to be intimate, codependents, people hiding behind false facades, someone lazy who lived off of me and spent money faster than I could make it, all on himself, I had two husbands who were unfaithful in the extreme, and more. Believe me, it starts out fantastic then goes downhill very fast until you are both miserable. I take responsibility for my part. They used me, betrayed me, and abused me, but I let myself be used and abused.
The ANSWER: If you have one of more of those issues, starting dealing with them in a very serious way, SO THAT YOU CAN HAVE A LONG AND HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP. Some people hang in there, in bad relationships, for up to a dozen years or even more, too afraid to leave or face life alone. It is especially hard to leave when you still love the person.
In my case, neither of them could get better as long as I was there continuing to take care of them, let them get aways with things, and then fixing the messes they created. This is called ENABLING. If we had know about this still very early in the relationship, then both of us decided to work hard on our issues, maybe we could have been salvaged. But in the end, they cared mostly about themselves and little for me.
Lots of people can and will say, "I Love you," but few actually know what that really is. This is why when i first tell someone I love them, in whatever capacity, I explain exactly what that means to me.
Let take an example, let us say you are in a shell, never opening up, not being honest and open about who you are, maybe even misleading the person. If the person does fall in love with you, it will not be YOU, it will be the facade or mask that they fell in love with, not who you really are. Believe me, when you have fully exposed who you are to someone, the good, bad, beautiful and ugly, and that person accepts you and loves you unconditionally, there is no better feeling in all of life. But you cannot get there if you hide behind a mask, or never let them see who you really are.
Another example, let us say you are a drug addict, or alcoholic, or sex addict, gambler, or codependent. How can you claim to love a person, then subject that person to years of a living hell with your addiction and all that goes with it?
i lived with years with someone mentally unable to be intimate, hardly ever a hug or kiss, not laying together, no sexual intimacy, nothing. I felt alone in the same room with him. Kissing him felt like tossing kisses over a 30 foot high wall. Do you want to subject the person you say you love to that?
I will go a long, long way with someone trying to deal with issues, but if they would not even try, how long then?
Someone dear to me, a Lesbian, spent 5 years with a woman who kept exploding into rage attacks and then physically beating her. Then she got someone she thought healthy, but she would not get a job, then not clean, grocery shot, no laundry, no cooking, and she had to do everything. she was a shopaholic, buys closet-fulls of stuff never taken out of the packaging. Any attempt to talk about the problems resulted in tears and "You don't love," followed by running away. Would you want to live this way. She finally got loose of her by giving the woman her life's savings. But there is a happy ending, with a wonderful partner of a dozen years, still in love.
I am very flexible. I cannot do anonymous sex, or sex without an emotional connection, which is required for an open relationship, but I would be willing to love more than one man in a relationship. If my partner is driven to be sexual with another man, all he has to do is ask and I will say yes, but he must ask. No secrecy, no sneaking around. Secrets are POISON to relationships, and they are always eventually discovered.
THEREFORE, I highly recommend that you immediately start dealing with your issues, whatever they are. Things like Depression, anger, anxiety, codependency, being faithful, low self-worth, being able to be open and honest, are all treated about the same, and I help young people with this on a regular basis. Addictions we can start on, but really need more direct care.
Even being aware you have an issue is a huge first step. It might be a little thing now, but the pressures of a relationship can make little issues turn into big issues.
Entering into a relationship with someone who is an addict is just stupid, sorry, but true. Seldom is there a happy ending. A recovered addict is a different story. I know people who have been clean and sober for over 30 years. If they are newly clean and sober, or are in a pattern of falling off the wagon, then getting into a relationship will hurt them. At first it is good for them, but relationships then add certain added pressures of responsibility that can drive them of the wagon. The more established they are in their recovery, the better, then relationships can be very supportive, if it is a healthy relationship, or the opposite if not.
Relationships are wonderful things, but they really do take a fair amount of diligence and work to keep it healthy and to prevent you from growing apart. I worked with a couple who were together only a few years are said sex was boring. This should not happen in long term even for couples together 30 years. It was a sign that they were drifting apart and slowly falling out of love.
The fantastic glow of falling in love can be a euphoric high, but it does not last. It is during this period when you should be building more meaningful love, but often it does not happen, they are focused fully on sex and playing the prefect couple. Love needs TRUST and this is built through constant honest interaction and proof. My partners never have to wonder about what I am thinking, about if I am tempted. I say it all. Oh, look at that cute guy over there. I have only every, in 333 years of relationships, been tempted, and I was honest about it. When my best friend said he loved me and wanted me to leave my partner, I was open and honest with everyone through my entire process.
This may seem brutally honest, but it is kinder to everyone, because they never, ever, have to guess about me. If I were to cheat, I would say so right after. The only time I came close to this was when i was dating a guy. We had no agreements about sex, but I was young and stupid. I am glad it happened, because it taught me that it is not worth doing it. I immediately the guy and he was very unhappy, hurt some, but forgiving. I had explained exactly what I learned from the experience and it ended up bringing us closer. In the end, I guess he got me back by having sex with over 40 men...such is life, lol.
I don't play games, no head games, no trying to make him feel jealous, no guilt trips, etc. When my current partner complained about something i do, I started working to eradicate it. When i felt that we were failing as a couple, I asked for marriage counseling, and he said yes. We had a hard time early on, like to bulls in one corral, with no cow (only not so literal). We both have strong personalities, both driven, and we have little in common, hardly anything in common. so we had some big challenges, and we worked through them.
The tow other partners never even tried. As soon as problems showed up they left, no talking, no counseling. Promises of "Until death do us part" were use like toilet paper. So Greg and I did it differently. We promised to never break-up until we had exhausted every reasonable effort to stay together. It is a promise to give it your very best effort.
You do not need a mate who is just like you.
Being very different people opens a new world to you, expands your life experience. We have different skill sets, we think differently, solve problems differently, see the world differently, and if you can share that, then the tow of you together are formidable.
But if one or both of you have big serious issues, the relationship simply revolves around the issues. Love cannot grow that way, only CODEPENDENCY. This is the crucible in which codependency grows—like the woman who constantly cares for her alcoholic husband, further enabling is alcoholism.
As was my case, and as with most codependents, you are actually ATTRACTED to those who are needy, or those who will take care of you. I take care of people. One is more socially acceptable and applauded even, but both are just as destructive. I came from a generation where getting mental health assistance was a dark stain, a stigma on your record, if ever discovered. Only crazy people went to shrinks. I really knew nothing about it. I went to sea, isolated in another world for half a year (2 to 3 months at a time), and would come home to trauma drama. All i did was survive and go from crisis to crisis, trying to make him happy. Now your generation is so much more educated in this, which is a good thing.
Having issues is part of being human. Without any help, small issues can become to big to deal with yourself. Not recognizing issues is when things most often get out of hand until they grow so big, you have a crisis.
I hope this answers your question.
Matthew
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I have had two relationships in my past. The first one is my current partner. The second one, I was extremely cold to, on the verge of being emotionally abusive. To this day, I do not take fault at being the one to sour the relationship; I had warned her that I had problems and she still wanted me.
I realize the issues I have, and I'm trying to work on them. My current relationship is open. She and I both know what my problems are, and she knows that I'm trying to work on them. I just wanted to know if it would hurt her in the long run if I continue to be with her while I work on these problems.
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You got me just as I was off to bed. If you are both aware of the problems, and you both together, it can be helpful to both of you. But it has its dangers. for example, greg and I found that I would get very depressed and he would work to make me feel better and then by the time I felt better, he was depressed and I was trying to make him feel better, and we went through a lot of cycles that way, with one depression feeding the other.
It is very hard to live with a depressed person or needy person if you cannot maintain your own energy. Your energy can be sapped and it can pull you into your own depression. it is like living under a dark cloud, when you live with a depressed person. But there are ways to work with this. for example, the depressed person needs to make it Ok for the other person to get out more and be around positive energy, be away from you, without feeling guilty about it. Then you can both work together on helping you get out of depression.
For example, Greg insisted I make up colored cards with affirmations that got put all over the house, in my underwear drawer, on the mirror, in the bathroom, in doorways, and when I saw them, I had to read them out-loud (that part was mine). Needy can people suck me dry. I could be ready to pass out in 20 minutes with a particularly depressed person, when I first started doing this counseling. It was like my life energy was been drawn out. A counselor helped to show me how to build boundaries in my mind, and it helped a lot, but not all the way. When I was in Massage school, we learned the same kind of technique to disconnect from a persons energy. I am very sensitive and empathic to emotions.
A partner can also constantly give you correcting feedback, like when you your life sucks, she can challenge you on it. This is very important. She can help you stick to your positive affirmations, check you on your power posture (straight back, shoulders up and back, eyes and head level when not working on something, etc. However, if she does things wrong, she can reinforce your negative feelings about yourself, like if you are feeling put-down, you are disappointing her, etc.
i would know more if I knew the issues, but you should do that in a Note to me, not this public way.
If it is anger, again you can work together or against each other. She cannot be made constant victim to rage attacks or violence.
It is even possible to have her come to a session or more in counseling to learn how to help you better. Ideally, she should be in counseling to help her cope and deal with you, if it is a strain on her. Much of that for her would be education in how to emotionally cope, how to better interact with you, etc. If money is not an issue, Greg and I really benefited from couples counseling where we learned more about connecting and communicating well.
To give you an idea, we were supposed to go home, and one us spend 5 minutes talking about yourself, just about you, while your partner listens, then you trade places. We would then try to recount what we heard the other say, only Greg fell asleep and was snoring after I was about 3 minutes into talking, LOL. Hence an issue...
If your counselor is not giving you homework assigned, things to do every day of your life to get better, her or she is no good. Ideally you should be stopping negative thoughts as they percolate up into your mind, not allowing yourself to wallow in them, and then countering them with the truth. each day, you should be speaking or writing a short list of affirmations about a dozen times a day or more, and a longer list 3 times a day.
then I I go into behavioral changes. Like changing your posture to a positive and self-cpnfident one, connecting with freinds more, forced laughing, and on and on. My approach is both cognitive and behavioral and intense. Like do you want to get better or what? Then lets get serious.
In weight loss, you can diet all you want, and you will very likely just cycle up and down and keep gaining more. Ther is a biological reason for this I could explain. The one thing that has been proven in the only two-decade study I know of, found that if you want to take weight off and keep it off, it requires that you diet more slowly over a long period, by simply eating better, smarter and working out much more, and to make this a permanent life change.
Depression is like this too. Some people have an incident, like a death, that pushes them into depression and they either get better on their own, or get help and get better, then stay that way. But if you have a pattern of depression, like I always did, it never completely goes away, in that you have to be diligent not to let your Gremlins loose, hence the lifetime change towards positive thinking, watching for negative and illogical thinking, doing positive behaviors, etc.
If you do not know it, I am slowly and very painfully dying. this was rather depressing at first, and I am intolerant to all antidepressants. i did fantastic on Wellbutrin, then my eyes started clenching and I could not take it anymore. My brain is very intolerant of chemicals. So i have to deal with everything on my own, cognitively and behaviorally. I have watched my life disappear, everything I loved doing is gone, freinds pretty much gone because I am isolated and homebound. Each big step downward I found new ways to cope and new ways to find enjoyment in life. My physical life is defined by pain and drugs, but my mental and emotional life is very different. If I can do this, you sure can. i look for the tiny things, like the sun on my face, a great song I listen to, kids laughing down the street, my partner smiling, and these all add up.
Most people go through life never noticing things, not realizing what is truly important in life. i have suffered so much in my life. I was physically abused for 16 years, diagnosed as mentally retarded and treated that way, very isolated, very isolated. I did not even know what sex was until age 19. Anyway, i have suffered a lot all through life, and it taught me to truly appreciate what I do have, not focus on what i do not have, and it taught me what was truly important, creativity and people we love. I learned that I could go out and meet people and find love. I learned to truly appreciate and nurture the love I do have.
My world is narrowing in more and more and I can do less and less, yet it feels like my mind and my capacity to love is growing.
We come into this world as we are. Some things we can improve about ourselves and some things we cannot change. But no matter what we are, what insufficiencies we think we have, what faults we see in ourselves, I have learned how special I really am and that I can love myself, as messed-up as I am, and I bet you can too. Look around you. Some people look perfect with perfect lives, beautiful people too, but you have no idea what torments them behind what you see, and I do end up seeing a lot of it. you can play the game of, "If only I was this, or that..." but it really would not matter. We ALL suffer in our lives, but in different ways. i saw a girl carrying on life the world was coming to an end, because she broke pretty fingernail. You and I might want to roll our eyes, but in that moment, she truly was devastated. It is all RELATIVE.
Right now, I feel a level of pain that would have screaming continuously. I have built ways to tolerate it and cope with high levels of pain that never go away, not ever, it even keeps waking me up. We cope, we adapt, we survive. it is up to you and i to make the very best we can out of this short life ewe have. i wasted way too much of it learning more skills, being the best at what I did, taking care of men, making money and then I got there, I reached my dream, I retired for life at age 34, then shorty thereafter tried to kill myself. paul left, he stole about everything we had, not a fork left to eat with, bank accounts empty. Alas, i times coming out to all of my shipmates, by letter, as I left my last ship, thinking i would have Paul to support me in the aftermath. Then the letters flooded in, with maybe two-thirds wishing me dead, calling me a disgusting faggot, etc. These were my buddies, we lived together for months at a time, for years.
On the bright side, because there always is one, it triggered me to turn my life around, to escape the prison of my Autism, depression, and codependency. In a year, everyone who had known me was saying they could not believe I was the same person. I started out terrified. I forced myself out each night, 6 nights a week, found a gay & lesbian dance place, and then i made myself a quota to introduce myself to one new person a night. I learned to dance, which was not supposed to be possible with my Autism type (SID), but I pushed myself, and pushed, and pushed. I forced myself to get together with people socially. I did not allow myself to date men or have sex for a year, focussing on learning how to be happy by myself, live by and with myself (not easy when you hate yourself).
I was driving home one night and it just hit me, OH MY GOD, I just had a blast tonight. It was so new, all by myself, and I had fun. To you maybe this sound like nothing, but in almost 35 years, I had never had fun on my own, it was always through other people. My fun was making other people happy and feeding off their happiness. My drug-hit was to give gifs and do things for people. But I had no sense of self, I was a Chameleon changing to please people. There was no sense of ME. Now I felt ALIVE and recovery went from scary, lot of work, to exciting, adventure, discovering new things about myself. After a year, I found Greg. it was good for a short while, then my body starting failing rapidly.
Greg takes care of me physically, and I take care of him emotionally. We have a sort of balance in this. Yes, we are codependent, but there is no way to avoid that when one partner is very ill or dying, and there is no possibility of fixing it.
You can see it as a terrible horrible tragedy, OR you can see it as a thing of real love and beauty. It is all relative, is it not?
What I want for you is to be able to see the good, the love, the beauty and let that dominate your existence, not the ugly, wrong, unjust, cruel, etc around us. I am an advocate for Street kids and have given my life to volunteer works since I was 34 years old. My face was ground in misery every day. I cared for men dying of AIDS and to them past death, into taking care of estate stuff and funerals. I worked in a soup Kitchen for 8 years. But again, do you focus on what you see that is bad, or what you see that is good? I frankly tell people that if the Human race is wiped off the face of the universe, it will be no loss to said universe. I have a very low opinion of most of humanity. But I keeping meeting special people, and for them, life is worth living, and to help them find happiness, life is worth living. To help my partner be happy, life is worth living, even though some days I beg for death, but it passes...
You can have an amazing life and give so much to others, it is just going to take some courage, some determination, work, and persistence. Sometimes you will take 2 steps forward and one back, such is life. You just keep going, keep going, look ahead.
Right now the future might look scary to you, it is a big unknown, anything bad could happen to you. At your age, your frontal cortex is not fished forming yet, and won't until about age 25. it is therefore more challenging for you to project into the future, so you use your limited past life experience and try to project it forward, but this is HUGELY UNFAIR. Your future will be NOTHING LIKE THE PAST. See the future with some trepidation, but also see it as an ADVENTURE. Let it be exciting as well as a bit scary. When you gain more self-confidence, the fear goes away. You begin to see that it does not matter what life throws your way, you deal with it and survive and thrive.
Ok, sorry for the many typos, my fingers are really sore and I am long for sleep, so ask me if something is too garbled to make-out.
With Love,
Matthew
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Is being weird bordeline crazy a bad thing too? Ill settle with never having a mate because of my weirdness then
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In my experience, there is someone for everyone. All it takes is willingness. Some choose to be alone because they do not want to have to accommodate a partner, compromise, etc. Being alone is a fine thing if it is something you enjoy and freely choose. Sadly, some people give-up looking because they are self-consiouse about their looks, body shape, weight, addictions, depressions, etc.
Some constrained people like to pair with weird bordeline crazy people, and vice versa, or "birds of a feather flock together." Being opposites can work out well. I brought order to my partner's life, and he brought wildness to mind.
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I personnaly think that you are a godsend to help other , thanks !
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You are most welcome. I guess I could say that helping others is a godsend to me. It has a very positive influence on my life.
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This was an interesting read, thanks for sharing. I agree with all the things you have said, though there are always loop holes and diamonds in the dirt, if you know what I mean 
I find that the best relationships are the ones that derive out of friendship, maybe a little spontaneously. Like, dating a best friend is bound to be a great relationship if the feeling is mutual, because then: 1) you're already comfortable with each other. 2) you generally know their good and bad parts, and have already accepted them 3)you already share mutual trust and mutual love. Basically, the foundation for a good relationship is already there.
I've found that all the relationship I've been in where I've met the person, and then started dating immediately after, did not last long/work out. The whole "don't start a friendship with the intention to start a relationship" rule really counts, I think.
Anyways, again, thanks for sharing. It made me think a bit, and that's a good thing since it's the weekend and I generally don't, haha.
Have a good day!
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When I met Greg, I was not attracted to him at all. i needed a dance partner for that night lesson, so I asked him because he was alone that night. By chance, his friend was in Washington D.C. on business. I really enjoyed his company during the lesson, since we chatted as we went. I asked for a couple of dances, then you petered-out—the poor dear has no stamina. I asked him for his phone number, saying I was interested in pursuing a possible freindship. He seemed reluctant but gave me the number.
We went for dinner and both of us enjoyed talking for many hours. We got together for dancing and dinner a few times, then a couple of Saturdays, and one day, when he walked into the room, I got hard and realized that he was suddenly quite beautiful and HOT. I had fallen in love and that made him beautiful, and it has kept him beautiful and hot for 20 years. This is the power of love.
I can you a problem with the freindship thing. I have lost 6 best friends in 20 years. Each fell in love with me and asked me to leave Greg, and when i said no, they were no courageous enough to stay friends and deal with the pain of getting used to that.
My very best friend in my entire life, the only man who really understood me and loved me more than Greg, and we clicked perfectly. We had a lot of fun together. One day, with me trapped laying on the floor, packed in with bags of ice, my best friend came over to keep me company. I was in a lot of pain. He told me he had loved me from the first day we met, could't believe that I asked him to dance, couldn't believe I offered to teach him to dance with free private lesson, etc. He said he never said anything because he did not want to be a home wrecker, but now he knew how unhappy I was, with problems with Greg.
I was seriously interested, and I was completely transparent with Greg and him as I struggled with what to do. There was a huge problem. I saw him as my friend and I was having a really big problem getting my brain to switch gears. For me friends are like brothers. He was a very handsome man. Maybe I could have gotten their. But there was also a big breakthrough in Greg's tall walls starting to fall. In the end, as very tempting as it was, I had committed to Greg, and Greg was trying hard. It was the hardest decision of my life. I lost my best friend ever.
What I see so often is something tragic. It is Love-Sex Dissociation Disorder, where sexuality is no longer an expression of love. This is really sad situation. Love is the thing that keeps sex with one person interesting decade after decade, as well as keeping each other look good despite the ravages of time and gravity.
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That's an amazing story. ^^
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Thank you. I am sorry it took so long to respond. Most young people date other kids based only on how attractive they are. I found that if you allow yourself to date someone you are not strongly physically attracted to, and that person turns out to be really special, you can fall in love with that person, and he or she will become very beautiful and arousing to you.
What I am saying is that physical looks should not be the most important aspect of a person. What really matters are things like is this person able to open up share who he or she is, letting you in; does this person feel comfortable to be with, feel safe; is there honesty; does he or she always put themselves first, with conversations seldom about you? Some people are very secretive and will not let you in and you cannot share your life only one-way. Some people are very self-centered, never putting you, your happiness, or your needs first. It is always about them.
If you ever have any questions, when the time comes, feel free to send me a note.
All the best,
Matthew
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I agree with all of it! Except "- anyone already in a relationship or married" being something to avoid. 
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I thank i will make a change to it. i will tell you why, it is because I am pen to a POLYFILDELITY relationship. This is a Polyamorous relationship where everyone agrees to be sexual only with each other, no sex outside the group. If you are presently in a polyamorous relationship, then congratulations.
When I wrote that, I was thinking in terms of all the jerks out there screwing around behind their partner's backs. They made promises that they are breaking.
At one point, Greg asked to open the relationship and i reluctantly went along with it, but a guy I just newly becoming friends with Jumped on the chance and we became a thing. Greg, him and I would all go out to dinner, dancing, club together. I felt so metropolitan. Then the he ruined it by giving me an ultimatum to leave Greg. I told him the beginning that that would not ever happen. So I lost his friendship. Then I hooked up with my ex for a while, which Greg did not like. I explained that hell would freeze over before my ex and I could ever get back together, but you know how jealousy can be. He closed the relationship.
What I learned from all of it is that I can easily love more than man at a time. I have plenty of love to go around. There was not even much sex with the other guy, because we took it real slow. So it really was love, not sex.
It can be a really difficult problem when there are major differences between libido on partners. Anyway, I would love that to happen, but i am crippled and I can't image andy man getting involved with that. I am still sexually functional, minus some positions, but I will probably not be alive in ten years. Having another partner would be great too, so that Greg won't be alone after I am gone.
But again, I really think it wrong to cheat. My two ex husbands did it too many times to count, every time I went to sea. But I can add that with Greg and I we recognized that it is just plain stupid to break-up a good relationship over a mistake. Forgiveness is needed in a relationship. We agreed that if one of us were to make a mistake and have sex with another man that he must confess it immediately, and it will be forgiven immediately. Then we will use safe-sex again until we pass another 6 month STD panel, HIV, and anal and throat swabs. But repeated mistakes would not work. In 20 years, no mistakes.
Thank you for the reminder. I think I will update this now before I forget.
Matthew
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Cheating is the worst. And polyfidelity is my favorite--I'm not interested in an "open" relationship, but a closed poly one would be great. I'm glad to know that you have experience with polyamory. So many people don't and they're scared of it, it's great to hear from other people who have tried it, whether it worked or not. Thanks for the answer!
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You are most welcome. I added a section to my RELATIONSHIPS paper on Open Relationships and Polyamorous and PolyFidelity relationships. So thank you for reminding me of it.
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Lol, you must have an interesting life then!
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I agree with the majority of what you say here, but I'd like to question your reasoning behind "does not have any significant mental disorders." If I'm not mistaken, you yourself have suffered from autism in the past. Why then the mental health bias?
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First, please note that it says "SIGNIFICANT Mental Disorders."
Autism is not a mental Disorder in the sense of depression, codependency, anxiety, etc, it is a brain disorder of the structures of the brain. However, your pointing out that I have Autism has validity in making me a bad choice of partner, at least in the beginning.
Paul and I were both severely codependent, and his leaving along with the hate backlash of my coming out to my shipmates, triggered a suicide attempt. I was TERRIBLE relationship material at that time and was desperately looking for a replacement when my counselor convinced me it would be disaster. I needed to become mental healthy again to be a good partner. He said I would just attract unhealthy people to me. I worked really hard at it and turned my life around, a rebirth of sorts. I was learning to love living on my own when I met Greg. I was not even looking for a boyfriend then, nor was I attracted to him at all. But when i fell in love with him, it all changed.
My Autism was the biggest reason for the codependency forming and my suicide. Autism was socially isolating me as it had all my life. Professionally I could command men well in major emergencies, but in my personal life I was lost and unable to connect with people very well. I had no friends of my own ashore. I was terribly shy, I hated myself, I was existing in low grade depression and looking to my partners to fill up my emptiness. I was really messed-up, and they were too.
I am still Autistic, but I forced myself to meet people and start building skills, like writing. One of my disorders is the inability to put my thoughts and feelings in writing. I was physically uncoordinated. So I took dance lessons for years until I laid new tracks in my brain. I had quotas of how many people to ask to dance each night, until I no longer needed them. I was a volunteer helping people who were dying of AIDS. My Autism was challenged in every way. I was asked to become a peer-to-peer counselor after being nominated by over 50 people. I had no idea I was connecting to so many people. I was feeling better about myself, and I had forgiven those who had wronged my in my childhood.
When I met Greg I was not finished, but well on my way through recovery. I came to love and accept myself. You may not know that I was physically abused almost daily from infancy to age 16, and the guilt and shame of Catholicism with my being gay. I tried to kill myself at age 13. So I was really messed up and had a lot to do to get better.
I got used the first two times because I could not stand up for myself. With Greg, I was finally good partnership material. Alas, I lost my five best friends to them falling in love with me and asking me to leave Greg. 20 years ago I could not write to you like this.
My advice to people is that if you have personal issues, and you are either in or out of a relationship, focus great effort on getting better. If you were to go into marriage counseling, and one or both of you had specific issues, like depression or codependency, then you would be advise to seek out another counselor and focus on fixing yourself FIRST, then the relationship, or at least at the same time.
Do you see the failure rate of relationships around you? How many last 30 years? The notion that loving each other will fix things is not reality. It is wrong to ask our partners to fill up the missing parts of or lives. With Paul and I, he needed to be taken care of and I needed to take care of him. They way I got happiness was in pleasing him. But his self-worth kept dropping because he was completely kept.
A relationship can survival some mental health issues, which is why I said, "SIGNIFICANT." Because then the relationship revolves around that persons problem. Let us say a person has severe Bipolar Disorder. If that person commits to staying on medication, fine, but compliance over the long-term is low. The entire relationship will break down into one partner taking care of the other.
Sometimes there is no choice. Like you are in a relationship already and your partner develops a problem, you are committed to stick it out. I am dying, something Greg never bargained on, but he chose to stay. I have chosen to stay for years with a major problem the other way. We are devoted to each other now.
But the relationship had time to become strong and healthy before the problems happened. If you start out all messed up, chances it is doomed for the long-term.
that is my take on it anyway.
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- those unable to be faithful to you
- drug addicts
- alcoholics
- sex addicts
- the mentally deranged
- severe codependents (very needy, or trying to do everything for you)
- control freaks
- those with severe intimacy issues
- anyone who is emotionally shut down
- anyone unwilling to talk about themselves, their feelings, etc.
- lazy bums who live off of everyone else
- drug dealers and criminals
- liars and untrustworthy people
- assholes
- BEWARE false facades, where people try to appear to be what they are not (very common).
akk that has happened
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These things tend to be more prominent in men than women. Women often take up the slack in straight relationships, but in Gay relationships, if both guys are like that, it is a mess.
Dating can be VERY DISCOURAGING trying to find a guy without any of those major problems. Often we settle for guys who have some of the above problems, but they are manageable. Like a guy may have some intimacy issues, but they can be overcome. But if the intimacy problems are major, it can make a decent relationship impossible. Drug and alcohol addictions are horrible to live with. I did it. There are men with major sexual issues, like no sex at all. There are guys incapable of telling the truth, like the lie when there is no need to lie. There are guys who cheat on again and again.
That is why it is really important to take your time with a guy. If you know what to look for, it makes it much easier. Unfortunately, when you fall in love, you become blind to the signs of trouble.
No matter if you are HIV negative, keep using condoms for anal sex until you agree to be monogynous, then both of you get tested (also full STD blood panel and anal swab), SHOW EACH OTHER THE RESULTS. Keep using the condoms for anal sex for 6 months, then get tested again and show each other the results. If Ok, toss the condoms. Showing each other the test results shows that you really care about each other.
Greg and I have an agreement that if one of has sex with another guy that it will be forgiven, and we will be honest about it so that we can go through another test cycle. We are human and mistakes can happen. We do not feel that a relationship should be destroyed over one mistake. We have never needed to retest in almost 20 years.
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I think the most important things I find in a mate...
someone willing to put up with your shit... you at your worse... can stand up and take it and not run away screaming... can actually deal with you at your worse and still love you
this goes both ways
I demand a partner... an equal... not the same... different but balanced...
words like top bottom seme uke dom sub are fine in fantasy... blah but dont work for me in real life... but than Im a BI switch... that may have something to do with it
the first night my hubby and I met... about 4am in the morning... (we been talk for the last several (oh maybe 7) hours... when I thought things might continue past that night... I listed off every weird freekin bad habit annoying thing about myself I could think of and said if you deal with that than I think we will be ok.
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Sorry this took so long. It has been a very rough week. Hence my slowness of replying to a number of your replies.
Yes, what you say is true. I am going to edit my essay to make it more clear. People able to tolerate who we are, and then choose to tolerate we we are, and even come to love your for it, is a necessity in a long-tern relationship.
Currently, #5 on the list says: Being able to accept you as you are, without trying to change who you are.
I think it would be a good idea for me to change it and say:
Being able to accept and tolerate you as you are, without trying to change who you are.
Loving you and tolerating you is seldom good enough for the relationship to last. If your guy had been dishonest, treated you like crap, a drug addict, unable to be faithful (if that is what you want), did not respect you, was so jealous he tries to make you a prisoner, expected subservience from you, etc, then the relationship would not have worked.
I was inspired to write this essay based on seeing so many relationships fail. People I talked with about relationship problems would give me a list of criteria they looked for in a mate, typically looking for all of the wrong things, superficial things, like cock size, no body hair, someone who would wait on you hand and foot, has to dress in style, etc. Then they look the other way when catching the other person in lies.
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Excellent. What has kept my boyfriend and myself together is trust and no secrets. I am not perfect and neither is he. We understand that and help each other. It is a wonderful feeling.
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For some reason, many people are unforgiving of mistakes made by the people they trust, when they are so fallible themselves. It is guaranteed that we will hurt the ones we love, and maybe even intentionally, given the right circumstances. The question will ultimately be, can the trust be rebuilt after this break in trust?
Forgiveness is much underrated.
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This is excellent. And, under your Artist's Comments, that's so true about the facade. Since I'm dating now, I can tell you that I've run into it numerous times. Now, what sense does that make? If they lie about themselves and then met me, I'm going to know they misrepresented themselves.
And, since they're not who I thought they were, I'm not interested. One guy flew here from Oregon. His pic and weight were from five years ago. He looked entirely different, not my type and was a bull shi$ter type (to the waiters, etc.) as well. We humans!
We actually like people more who are themselves and vulnerable, etc.
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Sorry it is taking me a bit to answer messages. I just slept 21 hours, breaking my 19 hour record from last week. It has been a struggle lately, but I am getting by Ok, just a bit slower.
The people most likely to use facades are the one you most want to avoid. not just because of deception, but because it is done for reasons like desperation to get a mate at any cost, or because of their mental health problems such as pathologic lyers, or those who feel so bad about themselves that they feel they must look like someone else. Others who do it in a smaller way are all about "pumping up" themselves, like claiming they are a pilot when they wash dishes, hellp, eventual the person is going to find out the truth. But they don't tent to think in the long-term, in my experience.
In general, as you said, such people are to be avoided like the plague. But it is not always easy to spot them. Some are like professional con artists, especially if they have been doing it a very long time. Some of them actually start to believe their own lies.
Yes, dating can be rough. I think I told you about a blind date from hell I went on. My friend said, "He is such a nice guy" and he was like bordering on evil.
All you can do is stick with it. Take breathers when it gets too much. You have to at least keep being social, which increases the odds of accidental encounters of the best kind.
The best of luck.
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Thank you so much for your words of wisdom and your encouragement. It's really nice when someone understands. I used to think I was a good judge of character but, as you so correctly said, "...it is not always easy to spot them."
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The only reason i have a feel for this is because I did years as a peer-to-peer counselor, which covered a lot of relationship and dating issues. I also did group counseling (as a participant). I got thrown out after listening to some guy whining about have dated a guy for 8 months and deciding it wasn't going to work, so he stopped taking the guys calls. He was whining that he had to unplug his phone because the guy kept calling. I snapped, stood up and asked him what kind of miserable excuse for a human being would have so little respect for a person's feelings that he couldn't even talk to him and tell him what was going on. It is cowardice and cruel treatment of another human being. How would it feel it if it happened to him, to suddenly be cut off after 8 months without a single word? I did not say any of this in an angry voice, but my voice no doubt reflected my disdain. I was asked not to ever return.
Anyway, I have seen a great deal, which is why it is scary for me knowing what kind of people are out there. With men, many of them simply don't ever become mature, or not until later in life.
The trouble I saw with many of the young women I saw was in mixed signals, like they don't know what they really want. Verbally, they say they want a sensitive man who will meet their needs, be able to communicate, etc, then they consistently pick dumb jocks who are the opposite of what they claimed they want.
But, NUMBER 1 PROBLEM OF ALL TIME IS DISHONESTY in dating.
I once trusted my instincts completely, then I got betrayed horribly, and it shattered that confidence. I have never got it completely back. So we need to balance instinct with prudent caution.
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What you said to that guy was "right on." Your words were helpful to him and the other people in the group, and most importantly to the people they could wrong if they didn't take your advice. To ask you not to return---what's wrong with people!!!
Men you mention who don't mature, until later in life: one problem I have found with that type is that they then have so much "baggage"---divorces, child support, spousal support, distrust of women, insecurity, etc.
I met a man for coffee Saturday. I was excited about meeting him. I told my family he was "rock solid stable." Boy, was I ever wrong! I found out that he rented a room from some woman; could set his own hours at work (as a comptroller for a casino) but felt guilty because he'd been arriving later than everyone else; used to work out and wants to start working out again; doesn't have and wants a cell phone, a computer (he uses one at the library), a camera, has been married a couple of times and has four children, pays spousal and child support which takes all his extra money, etc., etc. The kicker was that he was having an affair with the woman he rented from and she has a boyfriend. Oh, brother---it's hard out there in that dating world!!
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I got thrown out of the group because it was against the rules to be confrontational or to put anyone down for their behavior. What I got out of being in the group therapy was to be thankful I was not as messed up as they were.LOL
Honesty and openness is the biggest issue in dating. It is so hard to know about people. Like the guy I went on a blind date with. At dinner he was a gentleman, seemed responsible and nice, well balanced. We go to his apartment a block away to chat. We get in the apartment and he says, "Let's fuck." I am like "how about be we visit a bit." He kept pressing the issue, so I say, "We should talk about safe sex first," and he says, "What's to talk about, I'm a top, I don't need a condom."
I think my mouth was hanging open for a while in astonishment. How could he be so ignorant? So I explained the facts of life to him. He even thought that you couldn't get other venereal diseases being a "top." He called me an idiot and then sis he had to be some place, Bye. My friends who had arranged the date thought he was a perfect guy. Thank God I found out about him sooner rather than later.
Another guys I dated a couple of times, and was really into, stopped answering my calls. So I wrote him a letter and told him how uncool he was to do that and to be man enough to end it properly. He called and stammered through it. I told him it was good practice. I ran into him three years later, after he returned from the S & M convention in Portland. My first thought was "dodged another bullet". lol
There is a higher than normal rate of alcoholism, drug addiction, depression, suicide, etc, in the Gay community (or used to be, due to being forced to live in fear, denying yourself, etc, while growing up and sometimes as an adult too. There is a lot of baggage out there, including my own. Some of it makes you a better person, but some of it scars you permanently.
In my experience, as people age in the latter part of their lives, they tend to polarize, either getting better and more mellow, or getting more ornery and set in their ways. Try to spot which way you think a guy is going to go. xd
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The blind date guy---wow! Thank God you DID find out about him "sooner rather than later." And what a riot about the S & M conventions guy! (Whistle.) He didn't return your calls (thank goodness) because he figured you weren't into it!!!
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He said he wasn't into it when we dated, but got into it soon after.
Husband #2 got into the Drag scene when I was out to see one time. Thank God he was still all man when he got out of the dress, because I was not into that scene in any way. If I wanted a woman I'd be Straight. LOL It was a big shock. Some friend got him into it and he loved the freedom he had in transforming himself. He was to shy to sing and play guitar (which he did very well) in public, but had no problem doing it Drag. His personality really transformed. He also went through over $50,000 in dresses, jewelry, pump, falsies (hips and breasts), purses and other accessories. My mother noted that her son in law had more dresses that all of he daughters and herself put together.
You never know what kind of changes may happen to your partner, or to yourself. Love means adjusting to changes, and supporting it, as he will hopefully do for you. Some things may be a deal breaker, like insisting on an open relationship, or things you can't live with.
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