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Steve-C2 — Clockwork
by-nc-nd
#automata #clockwork #fantasy #fiction #gears #literature #mysterious #prose #steampunk
Published: 2013-08-25 03:43:49 +0000 UTC; Views: 860; Favourites: 10; Downloads: 0
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Description
I may change the title of this, but for now, the selected title works.I want to thank for giving me the idea to write something from first person. I've been thinking about how to do that for a while. How'd I do?
The idea for this story started with listening to Herr Drosselmeyer's Doll, by Abney Park. It's actually been rattling around for months, and, as par for course with many of my ideas, evolved into something different. While writing this, I listened to the above song, as well as Building Steam, and The Secret Life of Dr. Calgori (both by the same artists); and a bit of The Doctor's Wife by The Clockwork Quartet. I give The Secret Life of Dr. Calgori and The Doctor's Wife a "weirdness" warning, as well as a warning that they are a bit ... sad. I also rate Herr Drosselmeyer's Doll for being poignant, and there are slight hints of things (took me about 8 times hearing it to realize what the song was saying at the end). No worries, far more explicit things play on radios at professional workplaces.
I did this to see if I could write something a bit "Steampunk" and from the first person. I'm hoping that I conveyed the look of the dancing dolls well; they were life-size models.
While I'm not necessarily concerned with the genre, does it fit under "Steampunk?" My thoughts are that it does, since the technology is a bit (well far) ahead of its time.
Did I effectively make you wonder about the disposition of the dolls (are they alive)?
Did I effectively describe the dolls so that they were easy to see?
What stood out?
What are your thoughts, overall? (Please, be specific!
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Comments: 28
I'm new and have no points so I can't read I shall earn them....somehow
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I'm going to try and load a few things that I discovered were only available for purchase, as opposed to to read free and purchase if the individual wanted. Keep your eyes out, and I'll try to remember to say something when I push this one as a standard story.
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I feel a tear coming on worth the wait, thanks for making it more readily available.
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No problem. Thank you for mentioning that you couldn't read it; I wanted it to be available with a "buy" option for those who really wanted to buy it. I hope you enjoy.
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Just found this little gem... Would love to see a sequel of sorts if it ever came out. ^_^
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...... WOW!!!! I wished I hadn't given all my points for a friend's contest, because that was worth buying. Absolutely, 100% worthy of a book.
How do you do that????!!!! To raise softly the mystery, the suspense, never too much, never not enough, revealing just enough yet revealing only the basic possible. It kept me reading on and on and on; I had to figure out the mystery, and though the ending surprised me completely, it was absolutely perfect and so sweet!!
You often marvel at my stories, but I can honestly tell you that I wished I could be as good as you, because you have the exact words and the exact phrasing to actually force someone to read till the end.
Absolutely magnificent, and very beautiful! 
Now, for your question...
Yes, the size of the dolls are very well conveyed, and yes, I think it fits the Steampunk genre. They felt indeed alive, but just enough doubt to make you read through to see if they were really alive or not. 
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Wow ... thank you.
How? Heh, I never know, sometimes. I write and try to choose the best words - usually that's my focus, one sentence at a time to make it sound good, and then I've got the story. Although for this particular piece, I remember thinking that I would focus on what the guys would do with the automata. There were parts that I finished and thought, "Okay, what are they going to do next?" There was a lot of mystery about the automata, from their creation, to how the funds were gained and gathered, how the instructions were left, and even if they were alive. I felt it best to leave those questions unanswered. It's a charming, not a spooky mystery, I think. Would you agree?
But I think if I had answered any of those questions, it would have actually hurt the story.
Thank you again, and thank you for adding this to your favorites.
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You're very welcome!
No, no, it's not spooky at all, it's very adorable. At least, you've established the dancing parts so to do just that, so that the reader doesn't think it too spooky.
And you're quite right, I think that answering all the questions would have hurt it, especially with the message of the ending, with what the story was supposed to mean.
You're very welcome! Actually, I'll have to sort of organize a bit better my favourites, they are all over the place.... 
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Thanks again.
Yes, you can make folders inside of your favorites - I actually spent nearly a month re-organizing my favorites. 
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You're very welcome.
Ah, thanks alot! Gonna do that right now, because it's becoming rather chaotic.
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First off, I noticed that you are still selling the PDF file and I had to giggle. (Hur-hur, I have it for free...)
Ok. Started reading the beginning and already remembered one reason why I love this story so much. It's the first person narration. I could be reading about some mundane action, but the way the wordiness describes everything, it makes it entertaining. (Like how Morgan Freeman could probably read a dictionary, and it's still be amazing to listen too. XD)
"Jan knows this. Unfortunately, he seems to have missed the detail I just spotted. " <--- story is in past tense. First sentence and beginning of second are in present tense. Needs to be changed.
Ian sounds like a high class gentleman with his higher vocabulary and way of speaking. (Love it!)
Those aren't clocks. They're timepieces!!
"A lanky police inspector is standing at the back counter, waiting." <--- Again, you jumped back to present in a past tense story. Should change it to "stands" or "stood."
"He tips his bowler hat to me." <---again. Change to "tipped."
"I nod." <--- Should be "nodded."
"I presumed – no, I hoped – they were not carrying bodies into my shop." <---And this needs...naw I'm joking. I love this sentence.
"A plain white cloth covered the body; upon lifting it, I discovered that much effort had been put into this creation, to make it as lifelike as possible. Quickly, I covered the body again." <--- As Luca would say it, "A little too lifelike."
He was compensated? Now I'm wondering like everyone else!
I wish I know what Ian seems to know...
lol. Burn the wig!
"We ensured it worked, and tested it. While we did find the use of the other system, we decided that there was no need of the intended purpose, and did not test it, in any way." <---When I first read this, I'm not sure I understood what you were hinting at. After listening to the song, however, I think I have a pretty good idea...
It's interesting how there is the beautiful wooden Automaton that's still obviously a kind of doll. Then we have the other that is so close to real it's unnerving. (I know there's a phrase for it, in fact, you may have linked me to a YouTube video on it. If not, it had to do with people's responses to robots and how we naturally fear them if they look too much like us. Like zombies. They look like us, but move unnaturally, making us realize that something's off)
On those last few pages when and after they danced with the automata felt so warm and magical. It made me happy for them. A really like how you portrayed Ian and Jan. They are good men, and kind. I liked how you did the tears and letters thing throughout the story. I don't know why, but I always love it when authors do that.
I think this is still my favorite short story from you. You capture the Era well and it has a sophisticated flare to it. I could have watched it as an old style, sepia colored film.
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Oye! Not because you have it for free means you shouldn't buy it if you like it and have the money.
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Finally!
Nobody's buying.
Someday, the Superbowl halftime show will consist of nothing except Morgan Freeman narrating events in the audience.
I see what you're saying here, but it feels "odd" to change the tense here, and in the other place you indicated. Well, not so much the other as here. What about "He seems to have missed ..." does that work?
Yep, they aren't any ordinary "clock." They're high quality precision masterpieces.
I'm sure you can picture the situation. Here's the shopowner, being asked by a police inspector about his identity, the next thing he knows, he sees 2 boxes about the size of coffins, being shown into the shop. I imagine his jaw just dropped. Ian: 
Ian's shock is a combination of Victorian morals, i.e. "Oh my word, a naked woman!" and "Is she real?" It was more of the former, and would explain his red face.
All Ian knows is that Grossen wouldn't part with these masterpieces, especially the one on his own workbench. So, he's just assuming that he didn't part with them willingly. The inspector doesn't really say anything other than the transaction itself was legal. So at worst, it was a case of Grossen being given the money and told it was a sale, like it or not. It wasn't Ian, Jan, or the inspector, so the question of the tale is, "who?"
Heh, given what they've endured, it was probably best.
Yeah, you probably do.
I thought that would be interesting, as well. Here is this high quality wooden work of art, which looks stunningly like a human, but is evidently not. Then there's the other, which has Ian wondering what in the world happened. (Yep, that was me. "Uncanny Valley")
By the way, did you not catch the comment about "smarter gentlemen ... would have measured ..." In other words, they forgot to measure before going to the dress shop, then returned to get measurements, then back to the dress shop. And were a little flustered at their oversight.
I was going for mysterious, but pleasant. Did it work?
Did it leave you wondering?
Oooohhhh.... hmm. If only!
Thank you for taking the time.
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I liked this story a lot!! As soon as the doll's "stains running down from the eyes" were mentioned, I was like Dang. This is a little eerie. Those stains sound like tears; they've got to be alive or something! I was officially hooked from that point on.
I'm not sure if this fits under steampunk (which others have said as well), but I can definitely tell it's from some sort of Victorian era, real or otherwise.
(Personally I think it may have been helpful to mention what an automaton is at some point near the beginning, since it's mentioned several times and not quite clear until the dolls come. I only understood it because I already knew what an automaton is, though I don't know if every reader does.)
I think you did a nice job writing from first person! I may be a little biased on that though. (it's my favorite POV both to read and from which to write.)
And yes, I could imagine the dolls very well!
The ending was nice too. Of course I have lots of questions -- how are they alive in the first place, for one? -- but they're perfectly normal ones that stories like this are meant to bring up, not to answer. ;3
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I'm wondering about your thoughts prior to seeing the tears, now. Nonetheless, I'm glad you were hooked on it.
I think the major feeling I was trying for was Victorian age, so that works.
(Interesting note - I actually looked up the word while writing this, to be sure it meant what I thought.)
The fact you're biased in favor of it, may make it easier for you to spot things with it - so, thank you.
And thank you. I think I tend to write heavy things (I think I honestly handed you some lighter material, except for August), so this might be a departure from the norm. But for this to bring up questions?
Thank you!
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Well, before I got to the tears bit, I was sort of indifferent: "Okay, this is a story, some dudes are working in a shop, and there are automatons and clocks, that's cool ..." and at the tears bit I was more like "All right. This is really interesting. I know I am going to like this." haha.
Okay, good! I totally got a feel for the time era, especially because of the sort of work they were doing.
(Oh! That's funny. Well not really. It's amusing. I don't know what word to use. I look things up all the time when I write [I'm currently working on a short story with some OCs], too!)
Oh, no problem :3
You're welcome!
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Starting with your questions:
I'm mixed as to whether it qualifies as steampunk - I wasn't thinking 'this is steampunk' when reading it; though it did have a Victoriana-feeling to some of the setting, it was a bit more realistically grounded (aside, rather like the 'robot' of "Hugo".
I personally was happy to remain ignorant as to whether they were alive (well, the 'mysteriously lifelike' one) until there was a solution given. Trying to make a mystery of it doesn't really work for me as a plot device since they either are (in which case why are they pretending not to be?) or they aren't (in which case why are you dropping hints that they are?). The story has the potential to be stronger than just an ambiguity.
The description of the dolls was fine.
A couple of points that stood out to me: what were the policeman's motives? Why didn't Grossen come around to try and demand a return of his precious works? And in a world in which such automata existed, why would the shop attract extra interest from having these particular two?
More generally: it was well-written, though the opening scene lagged a little and didn't quite fit in with the ultimate direction of the story.
The elements of the story were interesting, and the way it's put together is fine, but it's missing something; or rather, the pieces could have been put together in a more large-scale way (e.g. with a confrontation between Grossen and the narrator; or maybe a more Pinocchio-esque line to it, using his skills to bring life to the automata).
In short: it worked fine, but I want just a little more, just a little variant.
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Thank you for taking the time to look at this and comment.
You've asked some fair questions, and made some fair points, and I do appreciate it.
On reading, I do see that it's more "slice of life" than "steampunk" but it's the first attempt at the genre. My primary concern was writing something well, and regardless of genre, that seems to have been accomplished. So, if readers see this and say, "that's Steampunk," well, that's great. If they don't, but at least see something that's not junk, I'm just as happy.
I don't think I was consciously trying to make it a mystery of if they were alive or not, as much as I was hoping to cause the reader to go, "huh." at the end. If I were trying for a mystery, I would have had in mind a solution to their status, and be able to provide it; but, I don't, and that's fine with me. (I hope that makes sense)
Good. I'm practicing with descriptions so that surroundings or important things can be easily visualized.
To the questions. The policeman's motives were to follow instructions. It was hinted, although probably not very well, that he needed to find a home for them. He did explicitly state that Grossen was well-paid for them, but didn't mention by whom. Perhaps something about instructions to take them to Mr. Harris would have done well, since that was the intent. Grossen didn't come out because the police were picking him up for something else (what else, isn't important, so much as the fact he has these abused dolls), so he's not in a position to argue. Two points about the shop and automota: Harris enjoys attention because of his skill, not the automata. For those models, however, to be so real-looking, is extremely rare. They aren't drivers for attention, per se, but appreciated by the clients.
I freely and fully acknowledge that all of those points should have been addressed in the story, so I thank you for drawing attention to them. I did mean to be a bit more clear in the acquisition of the dolls, thought I was clear in that Grossen couldn't argue for them, and didn't realize if I implied the dolls brought more attention. If I revise this, that will definitely be addressed; otherwise, I'll have to try to think of similar things when I write a short story.
I also acknowledge that openings for stories, are not my strong point. I can do middle points rather well (the book I have been putting up was started in the middle), and sometimes I'm alright with ends, but goodness I need help with starts. It's probably a good thing, that I have been working with short stories as of late, since it forces me to do starts.
I think, the important take-away from the opening, is that Ian can spot the slightest detail on the smallest item (marks on a re-worked spring). This does come in later. When he's inspecting the faces on the dolls, who have changed their expression, he doesn't see any evidence of anyone making a physical change. Otherwise, it was a chance to describe the workshop in the back.
That all said, I hope you can see that I appreciate your comments; and I hope you see that I'm accepting them and agreeing with what you said!
Again, thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment as you did.
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No worries
Similar to what you said, I usually look for quality in the story rather than its genre, but you raised it as a question, so was kind of obliged to answer.
I can see what you were trying to do with the opening (now that you've explained it), but to be honest we can probably guess Ian's skill from the context. You could probably cut that scene and simply open with the arrival of the police (perhaps expanding some of the descriptive details a bit there), since it does give a nice sense of potential drama to engage the reader, and it was where your pacing of the story picked up.
Anyway, always nice to hear feedback well-received - I do know from experience it's not always easy to take, even when you agree with it. Thanks for the llama, too!
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.........could you email me this, or however you did with Serene's Task? Can't see it in this format.......
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It's a good work of literature, the story is intriguing, wonderful detail about the automatons and the world built around them, and raises many questions. A very intelligent piece.
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i'll be more specific later, but i really liked it! to me you did a very good job at conveying everything as it should look
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Wow. The story, the brief glimpses of a different world...I really like the little bits of information about the place/people scattered about the story
It jumped between past and present tense, so that was a bit confusing, and I think there were some lack of capitalization in certain places...
The story does have a steampunk feel to it, due to the construction, clockwork and automatons. However, the feeling of historical fantasy/slice-of-life was stronger.
The introduction of the automatons/dolls was unnerving o.O Scarily life-like yet not human.
And...and they're...alive?? That last bit definitely made me feel that way. And this person, Grossen, made them? I wonder how...
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Woohoo!
I like the fact that the first reaction is "wow."
I had to look it over again to see the skipping between tense, and it was a little more before I retyped it. I actually modified it a bit from its first writing. I didn't see the capitalization issues, though (not saying they're not there, just saying I didn't see them.
I thought it did too, and for the same reason. That and what the automata could do. You're right, though; the historical fantasy and slice of life is really strong, now that I think on it.
I think I can agree with the feeling on that, too. When I wrote this at first, it was getting toward 3 and 4 in the morning, and I kind of felt chills down my spine and had to look behind me.
Well, the entire point is to make you wonder if they're alive or not. If they're not, then how did the letter come to be? (And for that matter, how did the letter and payment to Grossen come into existence?) The salt water stains on the wooden one were supposed to be hinting at tears ... but again, how did that happen? Now, the manufacture of the second model is supposed to really make you wonder. For as real as it felt, did he convert a person into an automaton? He was a very talented master craftsman, but was he so talented that he could make a seamless machine? Heh, those are things that I wanted to make the reader think. And since the main character could spot something such as a miniscule scratch on a tiny spring, the implication is that he would have seen seams on the second model, and scratches on the faces to change their expressions.
Thank you!
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