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Steve-C2 β Serene's Task
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#characterdesign #dragons #fantasy #literature #oc #prose #shortstory #characteroc #family #separation #sorrowpain
Published: 2013-04-04 05:06:39 +0000 UTC; Views: 585; Favourites: 5; Downloads: 0
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Description
"Serene's Task" is another story that, while outside of the larger work, is part of the "Dragon Mage" canon, explaining events that happened around the time of Eric's birth.In this piece, I honestly tried to provide a third person omniscient perspective.
This is a younger Serene. While she has much of the character that she exhibits in the story, she has not yet honed her skills to give people information. Also at this point, it is easier to see her emotion.
So here are some more characters.
Thoughts on the younger Serene?
Thoughts on Angela?
Thoughts on Lucas?
What are everyone's thoughts on the whole situation - Serene's first visit, her second visit, and the hearing?
What made an impression?
What caught your attention?
Do you have any questions for me?
Comments and feedback, as always, are appreciated.
If anyone is starting here, I recommend that you start here for the story: [link]
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Comments: 15
I know this is an older work, but I'm surprised I never got to read it! (checking it out as a part of that character-feature journal. c: )
Thought I'd let you know that I thoroughly enjoyed this. The emotion in it is incredible, and it's horribly agonizing to watch the Townleys give up their child -- and Serene's internal conflict between her job and morals is great and well-written!! I also didn't anticipate the guilt she'd feel after the decision, and that broke my heart as well.
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Thank you.Β I definitely wanted to show the agony that everyone went through during the entire ordeal.Β It was hard on the parents, and hard for Serene to watch; yet in her mind it was the least objectionable route.Β This story contains the only time Serene ever lost her cool.Β I'm sure you can imagine why.Β Later on in the series, she does a spit-take, which was funny and done for laughs, but she never lost her cool.
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Sorry for the delay!
thoughts on Serene: faithful to the older version, and we get to know why she is helping and how she came be what she is in the main story. Good job.
thoughts on Angela and Lucas: you gave a better description of Lucas' feelings, but nothing bad here. Their death surprised me, I thought at least one would survive to meet older Eric and talk about his blood- family. But it is just a preference.
What made an impression: many long and thoughtful monologues, normal if we have Serene's point of view (given her personnality) and her hold on her promise.
What caught my attention: a necromencer who blame someone to give birth to a demon. very weird. And that in the main line, Serene didn't talk to Eric about this 'rebellious group' from the beginning, didn't identify him immediately. If it was a play, it was too well played. So not a bad thing. I think. argh.
nothing to say about the rest, it is clear and well put.
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Thank you.
Oh good, I was hoping that it was faithful to the older version.Β I wrote this after I had her established as a character in DM ... and a bit of it is revealed in chapter 13, and more in chapter 42.
I agree that I described Lucas's feelings better, and I think it had to do with the story being a trial of using a 3rd person omniscient POV rather than 3rd person limited.Β It may also be that I could get into his head more easily than Angela's.Β I can certainly understand your preference, but it made sense, story wise, that neither of them did.Β By the way, Eric was incredibly lucky.Β Aside from the first Dragon Mage, none other than Eric has been born without DM siblings.
By the way, both Serene's Task and Sarah's Tale (Which is about the mother of the first DM) were written well after the story started.Β This was as a result of developing how the DM line started, after I started writing.Β Information from those two short stories, winds up being revealed between chapters 41 and 42 of DM.
The general attitude is one against Dragon Mages, and that they are inhuman.
I understand what you're saying, I think, why didn't everything fall apart for Eric?Β Well, because Serene is a very intelligent individual, and knows exactly who she can trust.Β The total number of people who knew everything about Eric was kept to a minimum.Β Even the people who took him, didn't fully understand he would be a Dragon Mage.Β It says a lot when Serene is able to say she dealt with a Dragon Mage, at the same time a child changes hands, and nobody gets the connection between the two.
Thank you for the input.
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No, I mean: why didn't Serene talk to Eric about the group, even if most of the group doesn't know for him, why didn't she immediately think that a Eric boy why this ward is the same that the baby she saved years before, and why didn't she tried to gain his trust by revealing she saved him when he was a baby?
And you're welcome. ^^
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Ah I see.
Serene is being quite cautious.Β Possibly overly so.Β Cautious about revealing the others; the more people know, the greater the chance of exposure.Β Another factor, is that there is no one person who knows everyone helping.Β Most people know two or three, maybe 4 others.Β They try to limit their exposure.
After Eric's adoption, Serene focused her effort on preventing further investigations and keeping an eye and ear on them.Β So long as she could prevent an actual search, she'd be set.Β If Eric's adoptive parents moved, they never told her.Β So there could have been a disconnect somewhere, and of course, she wants to be absolutely certain that she's right before telling Eric anything.Β Not to mention, she wants to be sure Eric trusts her enough, before saying anything, otherwise, the disclosure is pointless.
She also realized that trust is gained by action.Β So, she stepped in, cared for him, showed him that he could trust her.Β No words could have earned his trust, as effectively as what she did.
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First off: I think this is your best piece of writing YET!! These people feel so real, everything is smooth, and you really captured the emotion in this!! Serene's Task is a phenomenal short story!!
Right in the beginning, I felt like I was watching a movie. You did the birthing even better than last time. (Lol! At this rate, you're going to start all your short stories that way!) Poor Lucas!! I felt so bad for him! I've read several stories with this sort of scenario, and I think you aced it! Seriously! Lucas's nervousness and anticipation just overflowed from the text! Then the whole scene with them together, Angela excitedly telling him it was a boy, just too sweet for this young couple!
I'm glad that you used the line to break up the change in time and character.
You introduced Serene well. (Course it's hard to say, since I already know her) Funny, long ago you stated how you felt about mind reading being intrusive and (in a sense) wrong. Yet, Serene here is using it way more than Luca ever does!
I can see how you are using 3rd person omniscient. You did quite well with it. The Townly family seems so normal and happy. The way you show Serene when she first reads Eric is so ominous. It makes the reader wonder.
You explained the killing Dragon Mage policy very well and clearly. Coldly, in fact.
The plan they came up with makes sense. It also feels neat, since they are doing it right under the councils noes!
You did a great job in leading/escalating the conversation into chaos and intense emotions.
"Serene closed her eyes, and but her lip." ---> she "bit" her lip.
Seeing Serene having a difficult time answering the Townslys, yeah it's hard. You did EXCELLENTLY on the dialogue here. The stuttering, Mrs. Townsly bawling, Mr. Townly becoming the protective husband. There was a lot going on, but you weaved it well. I was able to keep up with it all without getting lost. Kudos to you!
I noticed (and was drawn to) how Lucas ended up taking on his role as the man of the house, and truly thought through and made the tough decisions. (And when he was ready to defend them too) Angela was in NO state of mind to make any rational decisions. (She was practically hysterical)
"Serene hesitated. The situation was not getting better, or easier. βMr. Townley,β she took a breath, βfor Eric's safety, it is best that you not know that.β ---> as a reader, I loved this moment. It's the 3rd time that something Serene said causes everyone to be in a tizzy.
Poor Angela!! This is the worse day of her (and his) life!! It's just one thing after the other with her! When she saw him sign those papers.... I know she was thinking and hoping that Lucas would some how fix this. Even if reality was against her. You did very well to show her grief and confusion. She's so upset, she can't even think!
βWhat did you just do?β
βSaved Eric's life,β was the short-sounding, but hushed, reply." ---> I don't know, I just like that line.
Wow! Serene really had to give up her whole personal life for Eric! That's dedication!
(She is so mature)
No wonder Tom has some grey hair in the main story, he's been around for awhile. Aw crud! The situation has just turned into a mess. (By the way great set up) Again, the transition to the new subject is smooth, and the latest situation is realistic.
Angela was pregnant again? Sigh...guess they really wanted a kid. Still, after losing Eric...
Whoa..... This court trial is intense!! Poor Mrs. Townly...
......WHOA!! They were murdered so suddenly!!
I have to say, the whole court scene was done very well too!! Again, I was able to keep up with everything, even when it felt like it was picking up the pace. Excellent work!
"It is very likely that Mr. Eric Townley was taken by a member of the Council and dealt with in a manner consistent with policies." ---> What!? Now you say that! Could've saved their lives instead of pushing on something you assumed already happend!!
Well, I hope the death sentence is faster there than in America...
At least it caused the counsel to close the case on Eric. So, in a way, it help Eric's chance of survival.
Alright....... I've already said this, but I think this is your best work yet. It was emotionally stirring, realistic in every area, and was so smoothly written that I had no problem keeping track of what was happening. An absolutely beautiful piece!
Now! How do I suggest this for a DD?
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Thank you so much! I can tell a lot of effort went into this! Thank you for taking the time.
First off: thank you! It's funny you say that it was smooth, because I certainly didn't feel it was. But starting every story with a birthing scene? 
Wow, you felt like you were watching a movie? I kind of saw the scene in my head like that! It was all too easy for me to put myself in Lucas's place; I have not been in his exact position, but it was easy nonetheless. I wanted to portray a happy, healthy (if not perfect) couple, overjoyed at their first child.
Yes, I was being horrible to move from a tone with complete overabundance of happiness and joy and love to complete utter despair and sorrow at the end; but I wanted a very stark contrast. That's why I started the way I did.
The line made sense. It wasn't a chapter story, after all.
Ooohhhh! I'm excited! The box and August Townley's name are coming up in the next story!
Good, good. Did you notice that she's a bit different now, than when she was younger? (and if so, what about her was different?)
Something about her mind-reading - while I'm sure this doesn't take away from your opinion of her, I'll explain. Serene is, at this point, MAYBE at her second or third level. She does not have a familiar. And she's just 17. She's been asked to take on a task that can potentially be very dangerous. The Council chose her not only for her skill (some of them seem to be ahead of her level), but also because they felt that people would respond well to an attractive young woman asking to see a baby, more than sending someone who, well, wasn't an attractive young woman. And to be honest, Lucas would have probably started beating the messenger if it were a man.
On the other hand, Serene has to look out for her own safety, on several levels, and know absolutely what she's dealing with. So, she's watching out for herself, not reading their life history. Lucas had a more in-depth reading because of the recent incident involving someone bearing the last name of Townley, that was a Dragon Mage; between that, and what Eric was, she HAD to know if Lucas was. It would have changed a lot, not because she wouldn't have saved Eric, but because she would have needed to present her case differently, and probably bring one of her cohorts.
Her later reading of minds is to put Eric with a good, stable family. In her mind, there was no room for making a mistake; not only for the sake of not revealing him, but also for Eric's own sake with his upbringing. Given the alternative in this case, it was the lesser of the choices she may have had.
She understands that it is intrusive, but would very comfortably defend her actions, given the circumstance (much like the mind wipe she did in the main story).
If it makes you feel better, she practically never reads minds now; then again, with her intelligence and insight, she doesn't need to, either.
One of the things that I want to convey about Serene is that she is a very, very attractive young woman. Notice that Eric's decision to listen to her in chapter 2, was based in part on the fact he found her attractive. And Lucas did a double take when he saw her, in part because of her looks. Between her looks, intelligence, and warmth, combined with being a Guardian Psychic Mage, she is extremely attractive. Does that come off the page, well?
Made the first reading of Eric sound ominous?
In case anyone missed it when they read the story, this clears it up, doesn't it?
The plan they made pretty much had to be under the Council's nose. If Serene didn't file the report, then someone else would have looked at Eric. If she indicated finding him, but left him there, someone else would have looked at Eric. In the first case, the family gets exterminated; in the second case, they would have, and then Serene, too.
The second visit came very close to being a disaster for Serene. Lucas was about ready to stop using words and start using fists on her. Let's hear it for self-control on his part, right?
Poor Serene! She can't seem to get a break from delivering mind-blowing news that sets everyone off, no matter what she does!
Yes. Tom explains it more fully in Chapter 46. He also explains how long he's been around.
Do you get the feeling, that if it weren't for the enchanted box, that it wouldn't have gone as far as it did?
I think I need to push out the date of the hearing ... give Angie a little more than 6 months to grieve, then have her 3 months pregnant (so it's noticeable)
Yes, someone stepped WAY out of line, just in saying what they did.
President Reichter doesn't have as much control over the Council as he should. That's why 1 - the hearing went so far; 2 - the commotion started; and 3 - people were murdered.
I'll say this - they murdered 3 people in front of hundreds of witnesses, and this doesn't take place in America.
That's the only good thing that comes of it. The case is closed, so he's forgotten until his idiot professor comes along.
Thank you so much!
Aww, really?
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Just finished reading.
I'll read it again tomorrow, and leave feed back.
I think you beat chapter 15 with this. Amazing...just amazing.
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Thank you so much for reading ... but the feedback, tomorrow? 
Thank you.
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*giggle*
I know...
(I have to read and comment at the same time)
I like to read first to enjoy, then second to critique.
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Big feedback, then?
(Sorry ... I think ... eh, not myself.)
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Heheh. I guess. It is 22 pages I'll have to cover.
You need to get some sleep, you. Poor thing, you're starting to say sorry for no reason.
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Thank you ... looking forward to it, then.
Heh, yeah ... I felt like saying that I was hoping for a big comment (like on Sarah's Tale) was, I dunno, "faux pas" But I guess you didn't take it bad.
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