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Description

The view displayed on Neo’s monitor varied more in form than in content. True, he could pull up a view of anywhere in the world on his monitor. That had been the advantage of hacking into the world’s smartphone network. Wherever there was a computer, there Neo was.
It didn’t matter though. What had started as an ambitious project in the invasion of personal privacy in the name of evil science had ended in what could only be called the tragedy of the banal. So many people, so many places, yet so little soul.
Neo hit the switch, and the feed cut out. He stood up and didn’t even bother to spin his chair back into its correct, most optimal position for future sitting. After all, what was the point?
“The problem is there is no problem,” Neo grumbled. He dragged himself out of his control room with all the enthusiasm of a first-year student heading to midterms. “It has all been too easy lately. No one wants to put up a fight anymore.”
Okay, maybe it wasn’t so much that no one wanted to put up a fight as the fact no one was able to put up a fight. Fighting wasted energy, and Neo had never tolerated any waste in his thermodynamic streams. True, each foe was, in principle, supposed to pose a unique challenge, but at the end of the day, all organic lifeforms had the same weaknesses. So when Neo had discovered the fact that direct force wasn’t the answer—that the true path to world domination laid in distracting the population with idle entertainment to the point they didn’t even notice the world order had changed—then it was but a few quick moments until game over.
Neo was a hacker, and the bugs in the operating system of life were plentiful.
And what had been his reward for all this? For bringing stability and distraction to the masses? For ensuring every baby born had access to a television?
His reward had been a series of endless administrative tasks that lived on an endless loop. It was one thing to take over the world; it was a whole other to run it.
Neo continued to trudge down the monotonous, gray corridor, heading deeper into his lair. For in the center of his lair was where he kept the one thing that could cheer him up—that one fleck of blue in the otherwise gray landscape that represented his life.
The pressurized doors hissed open. There inside the room, separated by a wall of metal alloy bars, was Neo’s prized secret.
Sonic the Hedgehog.
Sonic yawned, flopping back on the stack of imported silken pillows that made up his bed. “Long time no see, Neu. How long has it been since we last saw each other? Two hours? Three hours?”
“For your information,” Neo growled, “it has been exactly four hours, 43 minutes, and 23 seconds since I was last here.”
“Same difference.” Sonic fluffed one of the pillows then turned, sinking deeper into the stack. “And it’s been what, three weeks that we’ve been roommates now?”
Neo walked into the cell, and the doors slammed shut behind him. “You have been my prisoner for exactly one month to this date.”
“Right, right. Prisoner.” Sonic grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl beside his bed. “’Cuz you know, bedside service is totally a normal thing in prisons.”
Neo folded his arms, his head cocked upright. “Remember who is in charge here. I could take all of these comforts away in an instant, lock you up in—”
Before Neo could finish his sentence, Sonic was standing at the prison bars with his arms out hanging. “You know what I think? I think you don’t actually wanna hurt me. That’s the truth.”
Neo started. “Why you—”
Sonic cut him off. “Come on, Neu. Stop lying to yourself already. What kind of evil super villain keeps his arch-nemesis in a cell like this?”
Sonic gestured toward the pillows, the fruit bowl, and the claw foot bathtub in the corner of his cell. “This is less of a prison and more of a five-star resort.”
Sonic stretched his legs out, whining. “I do wish you’d let me out already though. It’s still a little cramped in here.”
Neo clenched his fists. “You know I cannot do that. It...well, things may have gotten a little...mundane lately. But I cannot let you out until I know why.”
Sonic’s ears flicked upright. “Know what?”
“I need to know why—” Neo clenched his fists harder. “Why—”
He took a step forward, his voice nearing a shout. “Why I cannot seem to hurt you!”
Sonic’s eyes widened but Neo continued. “Every time—every time I imagine you getting hurt...not just me hurting you but anyone harming you...whenever I think about any harm befalling you, be it bodily harm or otherwise, I—well, the thought upsets me, you see. It honestly upsets me. And it should not upset me, Sonic. It should not. Because nothing should upset me—the entire world is mine, I can have anything I want, and anyway...to be upset, that is a weak emotion. It is a sign of weakness, Sonic. And I—”
Neo slammed his fist against the wall. “...I am not weak.”
“Neu.” Sonic’s voice was very quiet but he had the single most obnoxious grin Neo had ever seen on his face. “You wanna know what I think?”
Neo groaned. “Now I am afraid to ask.”
“I think,” Sonic’s grin grew even wider, “that you like me.”
“Like you?” Neo straightened his back. “Do not be absurd. I do not l ike anything, Sonic. Unless you count efficiency. Efficiency is the only thing I like, Sonic.”
Sonic threw his head back and laughed. “For an evil genius, you can be so dense sometimes. Lemme be more clear—”
Sonic narrowed his gaze. And then, to Neo’s horror, Sonic actually winked at him. “I think you’re in love with me.”
The walls of the room seemed to shrink around Neo. “E-excuse me?”
“That’s right, Neu. It’s obvious to everyone but yourself.” Sonic threw a flirty grin at Neo, batting his eyelids seductively. “You are absolutely crazy about me.”
“N-no, no. Do not be ridiculous. That is untrue. There...there is another reason, I am sure.”
And what was that reason? What other possible explanation fit the data? Sure, it was true that the thought of harm befalling a single quill on Sonic’s head filled Neo with horror. And sure, maybe, if Neo were really honest with himself, when Neo was all alone, he did sometimes, just sometimes, fantasize about running his fingers through the soft quills on Sonic’s back. But that was something everyone did. It was a completely normal way to feel about Sonic. Who wouldn’t want to pet Sonic?
“It’s all cool, Neu. No shame in how you feel. Heck, I’ll even take you out on a date sometime.”
Neo took a step backward. “Y-you will...what?!”
Sonic winked. “Sure. Just lemme know when you’re free. I’ll be here all week.”
Neo said nothing. A long pause befell the room.
Neo clicked a button on the wall. The jail door opened.
“...Get out.”
Sonic walked up to the open door. “Er...what now?”
Neo stepped toward Sonic. He made full use of his height by towering over him. “Sonic the Hedgehog, you will get out of my lair this instant.”
Sonic leaned against the cell wall, smirking. “Aw, so soon? We’re just getting to the good part where we start arguing like an old married couple.”
Neo went to speak, but before he could say anything, Sonic leaned up. He pressed his lips to the side of Neo’s cheek. Then he lifted his muzzle to Neo’s ear. Neo could feel the warmth of Sonic’s breath.
Sonic whispered, “Now we’re even.”
Then he sped out of the room in a single blur.
Neo merely stood there. He lifted his hand to where Sonic had kissed him. It was still warm.
“Master Neo.” A voice crackled across Neo’s radio. It was one of his robots. “Sonic is escaping, sir. Should we pursue?”
“No. Let him go,” Neo replied.
“Are you sure, sir? He’s nearly out the front door.”
Neo turned on his visual feed. Sonic had made it outside by this point, and he was speeding through the traps in Neo’s courtyard as if they were nothing but dusty spiderwebs.
“I am certain.” Neo cut the feed. “There is no point in having him stay here anymore. The world is already ours.”
“Affirmative,” his robot said. The radio cut out.
Neo groaned, rubbing his optical screen with the palm of his hand. He eyed the now-empty jail cell that used to house his arch-nemesis.
“This was your plan all along, was it not, Sonic? Well played.” Neo walked into the cell. He picked up a half-eaten apple from the fruit bowl. He held it up to the light, observing the bite marks Sonic had left in its soft skin.
Neo crushed the apple in his hand. Juice ran sticky through his fingers.
“But two can play at this game.”

Description

The view displayed on Neo’s monitor varied more in form than in content. True, he could pull up a view of anywhere in the world on his monitor. That had been the advantage of hacking into the world’s smartphone network. Wherever there was a computer, there Neo was.
It didn’t matter though. What had started as an ambitious project in the invasion of personal privacy in the name of evil science had ended in what could only be called the tragedy of the banal. So many people, so many places, yet so little soul.
Neo hit the switch, and the feed cut out. He stood up and didn’t even bother to spin his chair back into its correct, most optimal position for future sitting. After all, what was the point?
“The problem is there is no problem,” Neo grumbled. He dragged himself out of his control room with all the enthusiasm of a first-year student heading to midterms. “It has all been too easy lately. No one wants to put up a fight anymore.”
Okay, maybe it wasn’t so much that no one wanted to put up a fight as the fact no one was able to put up a fight. Fighting wasted energy, and Neo had never tolerated any waste in his thermodynamic streams. True, each foe was, in principle, supposed to pose a unique challenge, but at the end of the day, all organic lifeforms had the same weaknesses. So when Neo had discovered the fact that direct force wasn’t the answer—that the true path to world domination laid in distracting the population with idle entertainment to the point they didn’t even notice the world order had changed—then it was but a few quick moments until game over.
Neo was a hacker, and the bugs in the operating system of life were plentiful.
And what had been his reward for all this? For bringing stability and distraction to the masses? For ensuring every baby born had access to a television?
His reward had been a series of endless administrative tasks that lived on an endless loop. It was one thing to take over the world; it was a whole other to run it.
Neo continued to trudge down the monotonous, gray corridor, heading deeper into his lair. For in the center of his lair was where he kept the one thing that could cheer him up—that one fleck of blue in the otherwise gray landscape that represented his life.
The pressurized doors hissed open. There inside the room, separated by a wall of metal alloy bars, was Neo’s prized secret.
Sonic the Hedgehog.
Sonic yawned, flopping back on the stack of imported silken pillows that made up his bed. “Long time no see, Neu. How long has it been since we last saw each other? Two hours? Three hours?”
“For your information,” Neo growled, “it has been exactly four hours, 43 minutes, and 23 seconds since I was last here.”
“Same difference.” Sonic fluffed one of the pillows then turned, sinking deeper into the stack. “And it’s been what, three weeks that we’ve been roommates now?”
Neo walked into the cell, and the doors slammed shut behind him. “You have been my prisoner for exactly one month to this date.”
“Right, right. Prisoner.” Sonic grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl beside his bed. “’Cuz you know, bedside service is totally a normal thing in prisons.”
Neo folded his arms, his head cocked upright. “Remember who is in charge here. I could take all of these comforts away in an instant, lock you up in—”
Before Neo could finish his sentence, Sonic was standing at the prison bars with his arms out hanging. “You know what I think? I think you don’t actually wanna hurt me. That’s the truth.”
Neo started. “Why you—”
Sonic cut him off. “Come on, Neu. Stop lying to yourself already. What kind of evil super villain keeps his arch-nemesis in a cell like this?”
Sonic gestured toward the pillows, the fruit bowl, and the claw foot bathtub in the corner of his cell. “This is less of a prison and more of a five-star resort.”
Sonic stretched his legs out, whining. “I do wish you’d let me out already though. It’s still a little cramped in here.”
Neo clenched his fists. “You know I cannot do that. It...well, things may have gotten a little...mundane lately. But I cannot let you out until I know why.”
Sonic’s ears flicked upright. “Know what?”
“I need to know why—” Neo clenched his fists harder. “Why—”
He took a step forward, his voice nearing a shout. “Why I cannot seem to hurt you!”
Sonic’s eyes widened but Neo continued. “Every time—every time I imagine you getting hurt...not just me hurting you but anyone harming you...whenever I think about any harm befalling you, be it bodily harm or otherwise, I—well, the thought upsets me, you see. It honestly upsets me. And it should not upset me, Sonic. It should not. Because nothing should upset me—the entire world is mine, I can have anything I want, and anyway...to be upset, that is a weak emotion. It is a sign of weakness, Sonic. And I—”
Neo slammed his fist against the wall. “...I am not weak.”
“Neu.” Sonic’s voice was very quiet but he had the single most obnoxious grin Neo had ever seen on his face. “You wanna know what I think?”
Neo groaned. “Now I am afraid to ask.”
“I think,” Sonic’s grin grew even wider, “that you like me.”
“Like you?” Neo straightened his back. “Do not be absurd. I do not l ike anything, Sonic. Unless you count efficiency. Efficiency is the only thing I like, Sonic.”
Sonic threw his head back and laughed. “For an evil genius, you can be so dense sometimes. Lemme be more clear—”
Sonic narrowed his gaze. And then, to Neo’s horror, Sonic actually winked at him. “I think you’re in love with me.”
The walls of the room seemed to shrink around Neo. “E-excuse me?”
“That’s right, Neu. It’s obvious to everyone but yourself.” Sonic threw a flirty grin at Neo, batting his eyelids seductively. “You are absolutely crazy about me.”
“N-no, no. Do not be ridiculous. That is untrue. There...there is another reason, I am sure.”
And what was that reason? What other possible explanation fit the data? Sure, it was true that the thought of harm befalling a single quill on Sonic’s head filled Neo with horror. And sure, maybe, if Neo were really honest with himself, when Neo was all alone, he did sometimes, just sometimes, fantasize about running his fingers through the soft quills on Sonic’s back. But that was something everyone did. It was a completely normal way to feel about Sonic. Who wouldn’t want to pet Sonic?
“It’s all cool, Neu. No shame in how you feel. Heck, I’ll even take you out on a date sometime.”
Neo took a step backward. “Y-you will...what?!”
Sonic winked. “Sure. Just lemme know when you’re free. I’ll be here all week.”
Neo said nothing. A long pause befell the room.
Neo clicked a button on the wall. The jail door opened.
“...Get out.”
Sonic walked up to the open door. “Er...what now?”
Neo stepped toward Sonic. He made full use of his height by towering over him. “Sonic the Hedgehog, you will get out of my lair this instant.”
Sonic leaned against the cell wall, smirking. “Aw, so soon? We’re just getting to the good part where we start arguing like an old married couple.”
Neo went to speak, but before he could say anything, Sonic leaned up. He pressed his lips to the side of Neo’s cheek. Then he lifted his muzzle to Neo’s ear. Neo could feel the warmth of Sonic’s breath.
Sonic whispered, “Now we’re even.”
Then he sped out of the room in a single blur.
Neo merely stood there. He lifted his hand to where Sonic had kissed him. It was still warm.
“Master Neo.” A voice crackled across Neo’s radio. It was one of his robots. “Sonic is escaping, sir. Should we pursue?”
“No. Let him go,” Neo replied.
“Are you sure, sir? He’s nearly out the front door.”
Neo turned on his visual feed. Sonic had made it outside by this point, and he was speeding through the traps in Neo’s courtyard as if they were nothing but dusty spiderwebs.
“I am certain.” Neo cut the feed. “There is no point in having him stay here anymore. The world is already ours.”
“Affirmative,” his robot said. The radio cut out.
Neo groaned, rubbing his optical screen with the palm of his hand. He eyed the now-empty jail cell that used to house his arch-nemesis.
“This was your plan all along, was it not, Sonic? Well played.” Neo walked into the cell. He picked up a half-eaten apple from the fruit bowl. He held it up to the light, observing the bite marks Sonic had left in its soft skin.
Neo crushed the apple in his hand. Juice ran sticky through his fingers.
“But two can play at this game.”