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grind-the-rust — Those Two
#friends #hopeful #lonely #sad #warhammer #garvielloken #mersadieoliton #horusheresy #40kwarhammer #danabnettgamesworkshopwarhammer40 #horusheresywarhammer40k40
Published: 2015-05-21 11:07:27 +0000 UTC; Views: 1620; Favourites: 18; Downloads: 2
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Description
Garviel Loken and Mersadie Oliton from the Horus Heresy novels, going off the marvelous descriptions of Dan Abnett, who brings us freckled Astartes with rain-grey eyes, and remembrancers with artificially expanded skulls containing memory coils, described: "it was like she had been crowned, as if her simple humanity had been made more regal". Heh, only Abnett...I've always liked that slightly sad, at-times-uneasy distant fondness, that peculiar companionship which hovered between those two. The never-will-be, the not-quite.
Nothing in-canon explicitly mentions Mersadie having visible augmetics other than her memory-coils, but I figured all that blink-clicking probably can't be done without some alterations to the eyes.
mechanical pencil, moleskine, and please full-view for the freckles - the freckles are important.
(unless the scanner ate the freckles)
Oh, and I don't own those two, or anything pertaining to the franchise - compulsory disclaimer is compulsory.
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Comments: 24
Those two... yep *sighs* If I try to think of something more eloquent to add, I just get sad.
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Yeah, pretty much... Because I'm a giant sentimental sap, and the whole whatever-it-is those two have going on is so utterly doomed in canon, I keep wanting to draw/write something happy and improbable featuring the two of them, just so it can exist somewhere. Doesn't seem to have happened yet, though. Fun fact: he had an arm around her when i started the drawing - as you can see, that didn't last.
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Ah, the sentimental sappiness... you're talking to the right person. Doesn't even have to be 'that' kind of whatever-it-is (yeah, my eloquence is quickly fading, I think I can't even express it in my first language any more). Any kind of convincing emotional connection between characters in this grimdark universe does that to me. I recently went all "squee!" over an Astartes teaching a Sister of Battle the warrior greeting. But those situation always have this bittersweet tinge, because I know that at least one person involved is going to end up dead very soon. Or some other unpleasant thing is going to happen. And the worst is, I do that to my own characters, too. I guess its those rare moments of humanity, in lack of a better word, that make us really understand how effing gritty and brutal this universe is.
And I like the picture as it is. It works. It makes Garviel look somewhat defeated... resigned, if that makes sense. It also makes my brain generate all kind of imaginary inner monologue for the poor guy. And I'm probably rambling by now, sorry.
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*smiling* Yeah, you've hit the nail on the head there - I'm a huge sucker for any hint of human connection in the books, because, precisely, like you said - it makes that universe seem real, and the grit and darkness become not just decorative genre tropes, but things that actually make and break people and worlds in a tangible way.
I like the picture as it is, too. They're kind of close, but there's always distance and awkwardness between them, and I guess this kind of conveys it. Like, the space between them isn't that big sometimes, but there's no real way to reach out and bridge the gap. And please, please, don't apologize for rambing, I really appreciate having someone to ramble with!
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*resists the urge to hug Garviel* The distance and awkwardness really show here. I feel like he had just considered embracing her, or even just touching her in a reassuring "I'm here for you" way, but then decided against it. And Mersadie probably has no clue. She might have noticed him slightly moving, but now he's all calm and distant again. She looks very collected and confident here, as if she feels protected by his mere proximity, while he projects this aura of resignation... something like "I'll never be more to her than I am now, and trying to change anything might break this connection we have for good, so all I can do is accept my fate and make sure she's safe".
I think I have officially started writing fan-fiction for your drawing...
And I'm glad you enjoy rambling, too! I hardly know anyone who enjoys discussing the 40k universe in depth, that is, not just on a superficial "this is the lore and those are the rules" level. (Oops, I do this quote thing quite much tonight. But my brain is a bit fried after today's metal festival.) I'd really enjoy continuing this bilateral rambling, but I don't want to spam your comments
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Well, I'm going to take a moment to awkwardly confess that I -did- write a short fic about those two before I drew the picture. I warn you, it does contain some very short-lived canoodling, but I assure you that it serves a narrative purpose. No pressure, but should you wish to read it, it can be found here:
archiveofourown.org/works/3825…
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Those two. THOSE TWO. You've made me unable to do anything else but to repeat those words. I read your story while listening to the lamentations you recommended in another reply (found them on youtube), and man... to use tumblr jargon, "it hit me right in the feels". That story, like your sketches, is yet another proof that one doesn't always need an overabundance of colour and scenery and definition and dramatic plot to make an impact.
And poor, poor Garvi. Although I must admit that I chuckled when I read the notes at the end - that's a topic I actually like to discuss, but not at all online, because there you just get 100 people who post heresy memes and then another flamewar. I like flamethrowers, but not flamewars, so I keep from mentioning anything in that vein if I'm not sure my discussion partner will not reflexively yell "HERESY!" and throw things at me. But now I'm getting a tad bit off-topic, and as you might know by now, me being off-topic leads to endless tangents...
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So, ah... me getting this message coincided with having just finished a promising conversation with my editing boss, so when I saw it, I kind of made a loud and happy non-verbal vocalisation and went out to the pub for a celebratory cider (at 10 30 pm, heh). Thank you for not throwing things and shouting HERESY - this is the first time I've admitted that this person here on deviantart is also that person on archiveofourown are, well, one and the same... I should probably explain that I've existed on deviantart for ages with a more or less established persona, whereas my fic-writing is a newish and shaky thing that has kind of taken place in a separate sphere - and I was particularly unsure about what kind of reception the story about "those two" would receive. Didn't help that I was pretty hugely emotionally invested in it while i was writing it - ehh, i guess i still kind of am.
Heh, the more I like something I write, the more likely I am to stuff it under the couch, away from human eyes...
Anyway, it was really nice to have someone I actually talk to read it and like it. Thankyou.
As for "that topic"- yeah, guaranteed forum drama. Annoying forum drama, with very long threads that yield surprisingly little discussion. Also, much like teleporters, YES to flamethrowers, and NO to flamewars.
Oh, and a note to go with something i said about gender-neutral pronouns in a previous message - I just discovered Spivak pronouns, which seem like quite an elegant possible solution for the English language.
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My apologies for the late reply! Gamescom took a heavier toll on me than I'd expected (or rather, I'd expected too much of myself, as usual), and I spent most of the weekend so far asleep. Currently it's Sunday afternoon, and I've managed to make my first-ever bowl of gazpacho. I can tell you, noticing that little cut on my finger right as I was chopping the 7.5-on-the-Scoville-scale chilies was NOT a pleasurable experience. But having some cold, tasty soup on a hot and humid summer day was worth it. I'll probably get to your other replies later this day or tomorrow, after I've finished all the household duties that have somehow piled up over the course of the last week.
I'm glad to hear about the promising conversation! Seems as if those worries were unfounded, eh? (But I totally get you, fellow worrier.)
And I'm usually not that quick to declare people heretics, heh. I'd have to start with myself, and then include most of my Deathwatch group, who fortunately enjoy half-jokingly, half-seriously discussing topics from bionic innovation to the possible human urges of Astartes. Sadly I only see them every other week at best, so I'm immensely glad to have found someone I can talk to (and who also won't sic the Inquisition on me if I happen to mention any dubious topic). As you said, in most other places it just ends in drama, and the only good thing to come out of it are a bunch of new Heresy memes for my image folder.
I'm feeling honoured that you revealed your other persona to me, especially since you were worried about its reception. As for me, you don't have to worry - I appreciated getting a glimpse at your fic writing, and if you are okay with it, I'd gladly read more of it. Emphasis on "if you're okay with it" - I absolutely feel you about the whole emotional investment issue. I'm about the same with stories that mean a lot to me: Putting some short stories online in our role-playing forum is not that much of an issue, but having someone read the story I invested half a year and a lot of heart's blood in... no, not going to happen. I'd probably be crushed if a reader turned out to dislike it. Which reminds me that I should totally continue working on part 2 of the Forever Unread Trilogy, heh.
I checked the Spivak pronouns you mentioned - I think I've seen them before, but I didn't know about their background. They still feel rather odd to me, but that might be due to their relative novelty. I'd known singular "they" before, so it feels somewhat natural to use, but you're right, it does make for some wonky grammar, and not everyone will appreciate the implied plurality. I wonder whether people will eventually settle for a set of pronouns, or whether they'll keep using all the current variants (and then some, people are creative). I also wonder whether German will eventually get a neutral pronoun, too - and then there are some other languages that lack gender distinction in 3rd person singular (like Haitian Creole, which just has "li" in place of "he, she, it", or Finnish, which uses "hän").
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Ohh, chillies in woulds are a bad, bad thing. I once rubbed my eyes having rinsed, but not truly washed my hands after cutting some birds eye peppers - lesson learned! Since then I confess to wearing gloves when chopping what I consider to be anti-personnel-grade vegetation.
*smiling* I'm going to keep my reply fairly brief, because my eloquence also tends to ebb and flow, and is heading towards an ebb just now - but also because I don't want to overwhelm you with messages. Please, take as long as you like with replying - I promise not to vanish back into the ether whence I came any time soon, and as someone guilty on sitting for messages for weeks at a time sometimes, I'm in a good position to understand occasional silences.
And I'm absolutely ok with you reading other stuff of mine - however, there's no other Warhammer-related writing on my archiveofourown account, because, as I said, I only started to write fanfic in earnest this year, and don't have much finished work. For the most part, I write stuff in my own little worlds and then sit on it, and I've mostly posted poems online - I guess I've always been concerned that people would not have the patience to read short stories... Fic-writing has been great in that I've given myself permission to play around a lot more, write things I wouldn't ordinarily, try my hand at humour or extensive dialogue, pay tribute to things I love, and keep it all neatly compartmentalised away from anyone who knows me (well, except my best mate, who shares my ao3 account - but then again, he's privy to just about all my foibles and experiments and monomaniac fixations, and over the years has become more or less the other half of my brain)
Tangent time! My fears are a funny thing, in that once I decide to bite a particular bullet, I begin to carry on like I was never scared in the first place. And now that you've not declared me a heretic, and we seem to have this lovely back-and-forth going, I'm starting to feel pretty comfortable - if still hugely honoured in a way that is difficult to overstate that you liked what I wrote. I had a funny conversation with someone who's known me through my lifedrawing work for quite a number of years the other day. She asked how the new editing gig was going, and was surprised when I said "well, I spent all weekend going slowly bald with stress and doing a bit of terrified crying because right now it all seems very new and I am doubting that I have what it takes". She said she was surprised that I have any self doubt or confidence issues whatsoever, and outright shocked at my mention of crying - then again, i suppose getting naked for money and having a raucous laugh tends to give the impression that one is not a timid individual who is actually deeply terrified of many things.
Far as sharing bits of writing privately goes, I'll drop you a note with my email address in it - I warn you though, I've had the same address since I was in my early teens, and it's pretty lame.
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I did the chili thing again. Apparently, I never learn - and I used my gloves for colouring my hair, so as I didn't want to have blue chicken for dinner, I had to go without them. Maybe I'm a bit of a Space Wolf after all; no matter the risk, they tend to go without a helmet. And now I'm imagining a Space Wolf trying to cook. He'd probably slap some raw meat on a plate and call it a day.
I'm not sure whether my eloquence has come back yet, but my enthusiasm has. I even managed to continue working on my Lamenters story that I hadn't touched for two months. Man, my Navigator really comes up with the strangest similes - this time she compared the Astartes to an arsenal of weapons that have become self-aware, and although they continue doing the task they were made for (which is, killing), they've also come to understand the impact of death and loss. Okay, it all started with her trying to argue with her Bolter's machine spirit. I never said my stories made sense. That's why I'm mostly writing for myself, too - I tend to get stuck on the weirdest details, flesh out headcanons and generally let my characters run wild. Sometimes I feel like I'm just leaning back and protocolling what they do and say, without any influence on it. Oh, and if they knew I existed, they'd probably despise me for the hell I put them through... what is it with writers torturing their characters? I wouldn't even say I _enjoy_ it, quite the contrary, but I keep bending them to see whether they break. My best friend is the same in this regard; I've also known her for so long that we've started to call each other our "second heads", and on the rare occasions we can talk (she lives in the Netherlands and is extremely busy with work and her Master's thesis), we tend to enthusiastically discuss stories, characters and role-playing plots. I'm currently trying to get her into 40k, heh. She already thinks Orks are cute (*chuckles*), Salamanders are kinda cool, and she seems to like 40k's distinct blend of high-tech and baroque influences.
Poems... I'm not a poet, this much I know. I think one needs the talent (for lack of a better word) to express oneself in this way. To be honest, I prefer reading a short story to reading a poem, but that doesn't mean I consider the latter inferior. Not at all! I just seem to lack the"getting poetry" synapses, which probably translates to "I'm a Philistine". That's actually how I feel about myself rather often. I've never been one to study art, and the so-called "classics" in literature mostly left me cold, so I usually feel pretty lowbrow in comparison to others who really _get_ those things. I'm still surprised I somehow figured out prose after all those years of subsisting on non-fiction and video games.
And I'd consider modelling (if that's the right word) for life drawing sessions extremely courageous, but on the other hand I'm aware that there are different kinds of courage needed in different situations. I'm more of a general scaredy-cat, the exact opposite of an Astartes who's supposed to "know no fear". So I think you are pretty much Astartes, heh. Even with all your worries, or exactly because of them; I think we've established in our discussions that those trans-human super warriors can also be bundles of anxiety, but that doesn't negate their prowess in other areas. Eep, here I go again with over-analysing feelings instead of actually understanding them. I keep joking that in the 40k universe, I'd probably be a tech priest. Most of the time, I have to analyse _myself_ to figure out what I actually feel... In writing, it somehow works, but if you'd asked me in person how I was feeling right now, I couldn't tell you. I might say "rather good" or "rather bad", but to narrow it down further, I'd have to draw comparisons and figure out whether e.g. I'm fidgety because I'm scared of something, or because I have more energy than usual, or because I'm impatient.
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Well, yes, blue chicken is to be avoided if possible! Even if non-toxic, blue hair toner probably tastes foul - I know the lilac stuff does. My thoughts about Spacewolf cuisine also don't go much further than "here, I've plucked it and skinned it and cleaned it, I've truly outdone myself! Does someone else fancy cooking it? If not, i might as well eat it as it is." Again, seeing as the Astartes can metabolise and derive nutriment from just about anything, possibly including tupperware, cup noodles and rocks, picturing one cooking inevitably yields endearing and or amusing results.
As for poetry, I don't know that I truly "get it" either. There's a lot of it I don't get, don't like and don't care for. Then there's some I really like, and can't explain why. And then I write it sometimes, on impulse. I suppose I could never be a very good student of literature, I too much enjoy the raw magic of words. I guess a lot of it comes from having done a lot of my formative reading while I was still learning English, so I often didn't know all the words at the time, but picked the meaning and feel up from context - so I could not always point to what it was that so affected me about a thing I was reading, just that there was kind of sorcerous gestalt effect going on. I'm a bit dubious that you really completely lack the synapses for poetry - after all, lyrics to songs are basically the same thing, at least to me - maybe you're just only receptive to it when it's carried over music? Also, you seem to have a really intuitive sense for language and phrasing when you write...
I find with a lot of older stuff, like Dante and old hymns or prayers, those truly come to life with the help of a lot of nonfiction reading about the context, the events and beliefs of the time - gradually climbing up the ladder of scholarship towards a faint chance of making the empathic leap. Also, funny you should mention headcanons - I swear 90% of Dante scholarship is basically just that, avid fans desperately trying to justify and consolidate their particular headcanons about why our protagonist put Thomas Aquinas in such a low-slung part of Paradise, or whether the poet wanted us to see his protagonist's loss of compassion by the end of his journey through the Inferno as part of his spiritual progress or not...etc. But they're well-read fans with degrees, and it is a venerable old text - so we call the fandom "scholarship". Okay, so I'm over-simplifying, but not by much. On that note, my best friend and I have two hopefully-one-day-to-be-completed Dante fics in various stages of fragmentary development - because we're nerds, but not very fancy ones.
Weirdly, I think my course readings back at uni paved the way for my enjoyment of 30/40K novels. After all, one could argue (with tongue lodged firmly in cheek) that saint's lives are early franchise literature, with every author having their own take on what happened and why. Also, a lot of the literature from the time is very descriptive, quite formulaic, borrows shamelessly from older texts, and requires background reading for optimal enjoyment - much like 40K.
...Of all the things to get out of one's uni experience - and to think, other people get careers. Ehh, I regret nothing - I learned to come to any text with patience and an open heart and a sense of humour. That's a valuable life skill far as I'm concerned, haha.
Which brings me to great literature... I'm often half-convinced that if the 'canon' of classic greats vanished overnight, and were replaced with Agatha Christie novels, we would suddenly begin passionately mining Miss Marple and Poirot for meaning and symbolism and social commentary - hooray for hermeneutics, and possibly also headcanons.
As for writing, yeah, it's funny how often characters just do their own thing, and quite unpredictably at that. When I was writing the Loken and Mersadie fic, I definitely didn't anticipate their conversation, neither its content nor its length - at one point I was wondering how on earth I was ever going to get them to make any contact at all. I guess you only really discover how some part of you imagined a particular character once you sit down and write, and watch them.
I can relate to what you said about not computing feelings very immediately, without further analysis. For instance, I don't always immediately register grief or stress - I'll be dimly aware of feeling "not so good", but I'll often break out in a rash or lose a lot of weight instead of the more common crying/other appropriate emoting/verbalising "I am upset about...." I tend to need to sit down and actually think things out, write a bit, and generally "debrief" myself a lot of the time. At which point I can easily start dwelling needlessly and chasing my own tail. All this means is that sometimes I surprise myself with my reactions to things, and occasionally forget to actually visibly emote something I'm feeling in a helpful, communicative way, heh. A particularly humorous and awkward upshot of this has been my repeated failure to register that I have a strong romantic interest in someone - I'd be happy enough just experiencing a general positive affect towards them, like "oh, this lovely person" but feeling vaguely confused.
I don't really like to think of any of this as a problem, though. All it means is that I have to devote a bit more conscious thought to these things than the average person probably does sometimes, which can't be a bad thing, really.
Sorry to take so long to reply - the client's hugely late draft has just arrived, and it is a massive trainwreck. The other editor on the job took one look at it, and ran for the hills.... Way to welcome the new guy to the job, haha. So now I have twice the work to do in half the planned time. And to think, I just got a copy of Vulkan Lives, too. Now that's going to have to wait on the bookshelf, much to my chagrin...*grumbles*
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First of all, I'm immensely relieved that you replied - I was worried that I had veered too deep into "TMI territory" with my last comment, as I tend to do when I'm in one of those weird near-manic moods. People often don't take kindly to that, which might in part be a cultural issue: Germans are often rather reticent about personal issues, be it the emotional or the intimate kind, which occasionally confuses foreigners. My Israeli friend told me that she'd thought of Germany as this "crazy sex country" where everyone runs around naked, but the truth is that people here tend to be very... buttoned up, heh. So I'm glad I didn't scare you away! And you really don't have to apologize for work and personal life being your top priorities. Of course I always eagerly await your replies, but Salamanders are patient *grins*
I in turn can relate to the "debriefing" about feelings. Often I only realize what I actually feel while trying to talk to someone about it, or reading / hearing something I can relate to. I'm known to suddenly point to written paragraphs and exclaim: "Here, THAT'S exactly what I feel!" My somatic symptoms seem to actually be a kind of "early warning system", but I don't always figure it out in time. In my case, it's mostly dizziness/shaking, stomach pain/nausea and insomnia. I also tend to forget to communicate my feelings in time - cue the situation of *complete breakdown* - "Why didn't you say something?" - "I didn't know I was feeling THAT bad!" Or just plain not being able to ask for help. In a way, this constant need for self-evaluation can come in handy for understanding others or when writing, but I'm prone to overdoing it and ending up in some very dark places. Yeah, I could really do without that part. Oh, and I feel you (pun not really intended, but it stays) about romantic confusion - for me, it's usually some half-intellectual crush that leaves me wondering whether I just click with a person very well or whether there's more to it. I'm still amazed that I ever managed to get married, heh. (It probably helped that none of us was consciously trying to flirt, and that my now-husband totally got me when I just sent him a song because I didn't know how to properly express myself. Yeah, we kind of communicated through metal songs in the beginning, until we added role-playing quotes to the mix. Sometimes we communicate in 40k... I really can't explain it, but it works.)
I heard about the "classics fandom", but I didn't know headcanons were that wide-spread. Fascinating! I guess you hit the nail on the head with your comment about hermeneutics. Just as we tend to spot faces in inanimate objects and random clutter, I believe that we also find symbolism even in places where none was intended, when we can relate to a situation in a way that makes it meaningful for us. Maybe that's also why many people (including myself) are rather protective of their headcanons, as there's often something deeply personal involved, consciously or not.
...which leads me back to 40k, because that's where most of my headcanons are situated. Yeah, hagiographies were really an early kind of franchise writing, weren't they? I'm also convinced that a general knowledge of history, mythology, and probably some Latin leads to a different level of enjoying the 40k universe. Sometimes the references are so in-your-face it's hilarious, and sometimes one can unearth more subtle allusions. (40k's "dog Latin", especially the Night Lords' motto, never fails to amuse me: "Ave dominus nox" was probably intended to mean something akin to "Hail the lord(s) of the night", but it translates to something more close to "greetings, Lord night"... and ever since I figured that out, I have this mental image of Darkwing Duck-esque Night Lords, jumping from a rooftop with their cloaks waving in the wind, yelling "HELLO, MISTER NIGHT!" Yeah, my mind works in peculiar ways...)
And you really think I have an intuitive sense for language? That's a huge compliment, especially coming from you! I always hope I have, but often I feel more like a "word-smith" in the literal sense, trying to bend a bunch of stubborn words into elaborate-seeming shapes and occasionally hitting my own fingers with the forging hammer.
Maybe you're right about the poetry within songs and me being more receptive to that. I never thought about it that way, but it seems fitting. Songs and their lyrics tend to have more of an impact on me than written poems. (Would be fascinating to gather some examples of poems used in or as songs, and find out how I react to them. Now I have a new project.) Generally, I seem to need a context for a phrase or paragraph to make a deeper impression. It might be a few lines within a song, or a character's words in the middle of a story. I have a playlist for writing my Lamenters story, and some of the songs have been added due to certain lines or refrains that resonated with me in the right way. There's this one for example: www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ne0wYC… (Adio (acoustic version) by Agathodaimon). It's actually more of a sad and slightly clichéd love song, but the refrain, starting at 1:35, just hit me like aforementioned forging hammer. It didn't help that the story was really dealing with the topic of bitterness and breaking down at that moment...
At least it was not Astartes trying to cook, heh. Although I don't completely rule out that they might need to pick up that skill one day. My Salamander does enjoy cooking, but he's an odd one anyway (one of the last incidents led to him having to explain to a Black Templar chaplain what "handjob" means, and yes, I'm alluding to _that_ particular meaning...). But getting 40k Astartes into cooking would not be all bad - they might acquire a taste for tea on the way, and the universe needs more tea-sipping warriors!
All the best for your editing project. Seems like you're really starting on "hard mode" there! So again, take all the time you need to reply. A day only has 24 hours after all. I'll be off cleaning the apartment now - my Deathwatch GM and another player will come visit me later to talk about our personal plots, and maybe have my Librarian and their Devastator have a little talk. Hopefully it doesn't end up with yet another Kill-team brother wanting to kill Savathriel, heh. I'll keep you updated if you want.
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Hello, hello, my German friend!
At last, I write again. Sorry to have taken so long - the moment I finished my first unwieldy and intimidating task, I went out of the proverbial frying pan, and straight into the fire. What I mean by that is that I got hampered with the task of editing an 80 000 word PhD thesis written by a man with very VERY shaky English and no clue about formatting, pagination, consistent use of vocabulary or headings or even spelling of his own name (I'm not kidding. It occurs twice in the document, with two different spellings!) I had to overhaul this thing, with every third sentence needing a re-write, in the space of one week, while still working my other jobs - the final three days featured a total of nine hours' sleep, because of this as well as personal matters, more on which below.
Funny that we were just talking about psychosomatic expressions of stress in our last exchange - I'm one big rash right now. Hilariously awkward to behold. I've also discovered that work invades my dreams - this used to happen with uni, but I at least liked what I was studying. This PhD was about community-based tourism initiatives in rural Kenya - interesting enough, but not really my area. To give an example of what work has done to me: close to the end of this editing task, I stayed the night at a friend's place to look after him - he's got very well-managed PTSD, but it stills plays up during times of bad stress, and he's been going through a rough patch lately, so I crashed at his place to provide company and hugs (and keep an eye on him). So about an hour after we both fall asleep, he starts flailing around violently, breathing like he's in a panic and crying - having a night terror, in short - this wakes me up, but as my mind is rising into consciousness, I'm thinking "Oh, the Il Ngwesi Maasai community is clearly still suffering from the legacy of colonialism, this is why it's having nightmares...I guess I'd better include a paragraph about that" as I roll over to do all the requisite waking, comforting, and offering a glass of water.
At least I had something to make him laugh with in the morning.
And you didn't step into TMI territory by any means - I always worry about doing that as well. I often find it easier to talk about personal-ish things in writing, online, with relative strangers, which does not help, haha. Totally get you about people having funny misconceptions about Germans. Lots of people think Russians are all drunk and very open - but we're actually very uptight and straight-laced for the most part, even if the drinking part is true for a lot of people. Not so much for me, I'm a very moderate drinker. My vices are books, coffee, and cigarettes.
Also, I've been laughing about "Hello, Mister Night!!!" for weeks now. My favourite bit of dog Latin from 40K is the inconsistent naming of the orders of the Inquisition. Ordo Hereticus - hunts heretics. Ordo Xenos - hunts aliens. Ordo Malleus -.....err... hunts hammers? I assume whoever came up with the name meant Ordo Maleficarum, but got confused.
Speaking of the Inquisition, I've been unfaithful to my promise to read Vulkan Lives, and am revisiting the Eisenhorn novels, because I had a hopeless craving for Dan Abnett during my horrible PhD ordeal. Apparently the Bequin trilogy which follows on from the Eisenhorn books (I haven't read any of the Bequin books yet) features an Emperors Children sorcerer whose pink and black armour consists entirely of black oil and rose petals, held together by sorcery. I'm a bit confused by this, as he spends a lot of time around the protagonist, who is a Blank - so shouldn't his clothes fall off in her presence? Vulkan Lives is next, though - the mystery of Alizabeth Bequin and the clothed sorcerer can wait.
I'm going to keep this message short, but you'll hear more from me soon. I've missed talking to you!
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Heyo, great to hear from you! I figured you would probably be buried under a mountain of editing work (when employers notice that someone willingly takes on a complicated task, they tend to take that for granted). I'm sorry to hear that it got stressful enough to cause a physical reaction, and I hope that you'll find at least enough time to take a deep breath and heal a bit. And caring for your friend on top of that - are you sure you're not a Salamander? *grins* As someone who suffers from nightmares and panic attacks quite frequently, I can't stress enough how comforting it is to have someone there who calms me down and assures me everything is alright. Especially if it ends with a chuckle the next morning - funny how such weird associations totally make sense when one's half asleep!
I'm about the same when it comes to personal issues. I mean, I don't have that much of a filter in person (which tends to make my more squeamish acquantainces uncomfortable sometimes), but I still open up faster to people I know online. I'm not sure whether it has to do with the fact that there's still a physical distance and I can back out of a conversation more easily, or whether online communication differs from you standard "kaffeeklatsch" in a quantifiable way. But talking of coffee, I should probably have another cup before I start analysing. It's 3 PM, but my brain still hasn't woken up completely - might be due to the permanent cold I have once the temperatures start to fall below 20°C. My immune system is a weird thing.
Oh, "Hello, Mister Night!!!" That makes me laugh every time. If I re-read the Night Lords trilogy now, I probably wouldn't be able to take them seriously any more - the books are still really good, but I can't get rid of the mental image! That's what dog latin does to you. Most of the time it fits the mood, but there are a few instances that make me stop and wonder whether the writer just took some nice Latin words and slapped them together without looking up their meaning. Take famous Ultramarine Cato Sicarius for example - half a conservative statesman, half an assassin or "knifer". Backstabbing Ultramarines, now that's a new one! I think it's funny actually (and there are enough possible in-universe explanations for why he bears that name, the simplest one being "it's his family name, duh"), but it's quite probably not the intended connotation. At least he's not hunting hammers, heh. I wonder what the Ordo Malleus' battle cry is - "Stop it, hammer time"? Okay, okay, this is getting silly now.
The Eisenhorn trilogy was one of the first 40k novels I ever read, right after the first Night Lords novel. (And hey, at least the protagonist remembers his own name!) I recently started the Gaunt's Ghosts series after a few people recommended it - or rather nagged to me read it, heh. A friend from my Deathwatch group lent me the first five books, and I think he own the rest of them, too. I'm nearly through the second book, and so far, it hasn't really "clicked"; but I heard they're getting better. Funnily enough, it seems I'm not that much into military fiction if it doesn't include a bunch of Astartes. And even then, I tend to skim too-long combat scenes. Give me dialogues, give me moral dilemmas, give me interaction... but don't spend 50 pages describing every tiny detail of a huge battle, or I'll either get bored or totally confused. In the case of Gaunt's Ghosts, I was also (unwillingly) told that the character I'm most rooting for dies early anyway, so I'm not too eager to go on. Yet the series seems to be very well-received, so I feel like I should have read it.
And tell me if you ever manage to solve the mystery of that sorcerer. I suspect he has been using super glue all along. Or maybe it's all held together by masochism - a sorcerer who willingly spends his time close to a Blank is a curious thing in itself. Not only would that dampen or even negate his powers, but as far as I know, a Blank's company feels really uncomfortable to psychically gifted individuals. So yeah, my theory of masochism and super glue stands.
But now I should rather look into the theory of making red lentil lasagna - I've only had coffee so far, and my stomach is starting to protest. I'm looking forward to hearing from you again!
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Am I sure I'm not a Salamander? I'm starting to suspect I might have a little bit of that in me. Truth be told, I'm half clucky mother-hen, half moody and aloof perpetual teenager. I do my best to help where I can, and I do what I can for people I hold dear - but I burn out very suddenly, or just run out of energy. I tune very promptly to other people's wavelength, but I struggle to tune anyone out once I'm there. My awareness of other people does not have a dimmer switch, and the mere presence of another person I know alters the trajectory of my thoughts. Sometimes this is good, other times, not so much. It gets tiring, I get overstimulated just by being around people, even (in fact especially) people I like. I either totally ignore someone, or they have my attention - and I can't bring myself to disregard people I like, as it seems somehow cold and final. So once I run out of energy, or get close to it, I go into hiding. My best friend describes it as "Ica is peopled-out" or "Ica is over-peopled", haha. I'm very precious about having some breathing room away from everyone, just so I can remember what my own uninterrupted thoughts feel like. I like to be alone when I work, do research, or write for pleasure, or sometimes while I just ...be. For this reason, while my partner and I are entering our fourth year of seeing each other, I live alone - I feel saner this way. It took me a while to figure out why I'd get thin-skinned and easily frustrated after being around people I like, but once I figured out what it is - I manage it well.
As for Eisenhorn, and other 40k books low on Astartes - I get where you're coming from. While I enjoy Abnett's craftsmanship, his ability to playfully write genre-fiction sprinkled with descriptive gems, really, it's not the same without those big, almost-human, not-quite-human characters. I'm not mad keen on reading the Gaunt's Ghosts series for that reason - although it's received so many rave reviews. There's better-written military fiction out there, and I'm not huge on endless pages of exhaustive (and exhausting) descriptions of battlefield action.
As for that sorcerer, my friend opines that even if his magic fails in the presence of Bequin, oil is quite tacky, and won't flow off right away - so he just has to stand very, very still while the black goop and rose petals sloooowly ooze downwards, and hope she leaves before noticing anything is awry. Poor guy. I think I'll read Pariah just to find out how he avoids this ignominious and messy fate.
I've been pretty much living on coffee and cigarettes lately - I've got a series of manuals to edit for the company I work for before the conference later this month, which has proved to be a crash-course in wrangling my colleagues, avoiding workplace drama, and resolving eccentric formatting problems in Word. I might as well start calling the cafe my office. My brain's been a touch frazzled, but I've habituated to the job enough to stop scratching like crazy every time I open my inbox, and my skin is healing up nicely. The conference holds its own perils - the boss wants to do a company photo-shoot, and insists we all look clean, tidy and smart-casual. Seeing as half the staff are semi-nocturnal, socially awkward academic types who think "smart casual" means "wear something you washed this month", and I'm no different, a shudder of dread seems like a wholly appropriate reaction to the prospect. This being said, I'm loving the work.
I'd best hop back to torturing another document into shape, but I will be around, and in touch. I've read your most recent Savarthiel piece, by the way - I'm hugely intrigued, and want to see more, and will be leaving a worthier comment on it later on. I'll close with a question: It occurs to me that I don't know your name, I just think of you as "German Friend"... Do you go by Cassian, or some other name? I'm Ica - pronounced "EE-kah" as opposed to "AI-kah". *smiles* Weirdly, it's common for me to introduce myself to someone, shake their hand, and have them call me AI-kah five minutes later, even though they just heard me say my name. No idea why this happens..
Well, time to order another coffee!
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Are you me? Seriously, the first paragraph could almost completely have been written by me. I even stumbled over the expression of "being peopled out" recently and decided to adopt it, as it perfectly describes how I feel after any kind of social event. Often I don't notice I'm in the middle of a mental overload until it's too late, and that usually means that I suddenly disappear under my "glass dome", as I call it (it dims sensory expression and people can't walk in, but I'm still aware they exist and thus don't really feel free from social responsibilities). I would really love to have a place on my own, though, but currently that is completely out of the question. Yet living in a small apartment with my husband and two cats occasionally overwhelms me to the point that it activates my flight instinct, and as I don't have a calm place to fall back on, I react like a cornered animal and lash out at everything until I get some breathing room at least.
Funnily enough, I was just discussing my focus on Astartes yesterday - although "focus" might not be the right expression, but all the other words I could think of carried an undertone of attraction, and that's not really what I was going for. Partially it is because they were what got me into 40k, and even influenced my life in a much bigger way. When I started to analyze why I felt so drawn to their aspects of idealized masculinity, I finally realized that I could no longer play this female role I still tried to cling to, but that had been feeling wrong for as long as I could remember. So when I say that 40k changed my life (or the better), I mean it, heh. Another thing that fascinates me about Astartes is the 'almost-human' part - close enough that I can still relate, but distant enough to not just feel like tough humans in metal suits. One can find humans in most works of fiction anyway, no matter the universe they are set in, so consequentially I looked for the one thing that felt unique to this particular setting. Fortunately the first 40k novels I got hold of weren't just "bolter porn" and made me devote myself to finding out more about the inner workings of those trans-human warriors. Well, and the rest is history.
Wow, I'm impressed with your work schedule! I think it would quite literally drive me up the wall, and I'm not stress-resistant at all. I feel you about the photo shoot, though. If someone told me to show up looking "smart casual", I would probably blink at them and ask why gory band shirts and army pants don't count, and whether my hair would have to be a colour that one actually associates with hair...
And I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts about my sharky Psyker! I must say that the story is not my best piece, though... it feels a bit choppy, although it is quite true to his mental state at that moment. Oh, did I mention that I commissioned a drawing of him? I love how it turned out, although some people seem strangely insistent that he looks like an Emperor's Child...ren...marine... well, I really have no idea which singular form works... I didn't know they had a monopoly on unusual haircuts, pff. On further thought, he _did_ get mistaken for a Chaos Marine once... (I think I mentioned that elsewhere already.)
You don't have to worry about me calling you "AI-kah", though! I mentally pronounce your name the German way, and we would definitely say "EE-kah". The transcription for "AI-kah" would actually be Aika. I usually go by Cassian, pronounced the German way (something like KUS-see-uhn), or Cas - that one I prefer to pronounce with a more English-sounding "a", or it sounds like "cuss", which might be an apt but not very flattering nickname. People have taken to calling me Cass or Cassy, though - for 30 years I wanted a nickname and now I get more than I can handle, heh.
I hope you enjoyed your coffee! If it wasn't 1:40 AM over here, I'd consider preparing one, but I'll settle for some chocolate milk. Strangely enough, I spent an exhausting day on a huge game fair, but I still can't sleep. Ah well, a night of gaming it is, then!
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Heya, Cassian. Long time, no repartee - entirely my fault, and I am so, so sorry for disappearing. I really am. You must think I'm a complete jerk. The past few months have seen me buried under a veritable avalanche of work - summer is a very busy time as everyone is applying for research grants, and we edit academics’ grant applications. Add a bit of work-related interstate travel, together with some face-to-face consulting (me, consulting? doing work while not wearing pyjamas? shocking!...well, terrifying more like...) and you get a very exhausted human at the end. Not scratching manically anymore, but very, very tired and uncommunicative. And very underslept.
Another part (and I really feel I must explain my absence) is that your last message echoed something of my own experiences with gender identity, and I really wanted to do justice to that topic in my reply. When I have no time to write something worthwhile, I often opt not to write, on top of which I sometimes clam up when talking about my own experiences, especially when I have something in common with the person I’m talking to, but the result in my case was different. I can really be the biggest wuss, and the moment I experience a sense of community I freak out about wrecking it by saying the wrong thing and go hide behind the couch. Add the time pressures of work, and I vanish altogether.
I think my hesitation about discussing personal matters is has a lot to do with an episode a few years back. A friend of mine had recently experienced stalking and assault, so we were sharing stories about coping. She lost all confidence to walk home from uni alone, or walk anywhere at night, or be around groups of men, or go for walks in her suburb, etc. Having been through extensive abuse, partner violence, stalking and assault myself, I thought I’d share some words of encouragement. And I guess I did it clumsily. Because those experiences had the diametrically opposite effect on me – eventually, I became more determined than ever to assert my right to walk where and when I please in this city I love dearly. (Then again, I’ve previously headbutted an assailant. Different personalities cope differently…) In short, I shared a story of staring down a stalking creep the previous week, closing with “Don’t let those bastards win. The city is yours, too.” She got mad, I got confused, we stopped talking, it sucked. I guess she interpreted my decisions and words of encouragement as judgement. Which was not intended. So, with anything I say below, please, please know that whatever I say applies only to my case, isn’t a comment on, or an interpretation of, anyone else’s decisions. I barely grasp what feels “right” for me from moment to moment.
I myself have always been uneasy with the implications of having been born with two X chromosomes. When I was 11, I cut off my eyelashes in an effort to appear less effeminate, and similar efforts have punctuated my youth. Entering adolescence, I was filled with dread at my narrowing prospects – the way femininity/womanhood is scripted as vulnerable, fragile, not very physical, unadventurous, and in some circles, unintelligent (thanks, Dad). I’ve always had trouble sustaining female friendships (especially in groups), and chiefly identified with male protagonists from both literature and folklore. In my early 20’s I pretty much identified as “one of the boys”. Performing femininity has often felt like wearing drag – quite literally in one case, when for an event hosted by my mother, I was provided with a long wig, dress and high heels. Like wearing drag, it’s sometimes fun (if you choose it), and outright dissonant and painfully distressing when you are forced to. The thing is, over time, performing masculinity has felt much the same to me.
I don’t know what exactly determined the trajectory of my wobbly gender identity, led the compass needle to point shakily towards “unconventional woman, but a woman nevertheless”. There was a lot of uneasy soul-searching. I have come to the conclusion that I don’t really identify with anything about “femininity” in particular. It’s just that I was born and raised into it,yet can’t help but resist external instructions and expectations about how I should inhabit this accident of birth, and refuse to be judged based on its alleged meaning.
It’s sloppy, and it’s convoluted, this gender thing of mine. I hear you loud and clear about identifying with idealised masculine virtues. That’s something I too feel quite strongly. But rather than re-write myself (and I guess that’s just it, I would need re-writing to fit, I did not find a man inside myself the way some do, and I perhaps hoped to at one point) I’ve chosen to in my own small way, by simply existing, re-write what it can mean to fall into the category “woman”. I guess really, I’m mostly just a person.
To this day, other women are something of an undiscovered country to me. I don’t really know them. But I suppose that’s another story for another time. This message has sat unfinished on my laptop for much too long, and I’ve really missed writing to you.
I hope New Years Eve goes marvellously for you, wherever you are, and whatever you happen to be doing, and that the New Year gets off to a good start. I always get excited about New Year’s Eve, the way I don’t about any other holiday – even if I don’t do much, just sit at home drinking tea and reading – I just like to see the calendar page turn one last time. I enjoy being in the liminal space between one year and the next, as if for a little while I’m in no-time, no-place. It feels somehow free…
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Hey Ica, I'm really glad to hear from you! Don't worry, I'm not angry, and I never was - it was more of a mix of worry and slight disappointment, but since I knew you have at least one busy job (and the holiday season usually adds another layer of stress and duties), I suspected that this was keeping you from replying. Plus, as I might have mentioned somewhere, I also tend to disappear for weeks on end when I'm in my "people overwhelm me" mode, so... yeah, long story short, I'm just happy to hear you're okay and still want to talk to me *grins*
I'm currently holed up at home, wrapped in a blanket although I'm not really cold, but the last 1 1/2 months have been intense. Worst of all, my grandma died in mid-December, and I still haven't really come to terms with the loss. In addition, my brother and I are her only living relatives (my father died when I was 9), so there are quite a lot of obligations, and I sincerely hope we'll be able to handle it all. I feel entirely lost when it comes to figuring out legal or financial matters, and my brother has his own issues, so that will be... not fun. Eh well.
I'm so sorry to hear what happened to your friend, and to you. I'm both glad and impressed to hear that you managed to draw strength from a horrible experience. I can relate in a way, as I was stalked and sexually harrassed as a young teen, and assaulted as a young adult, but I still got off somewhat lucky in that no severe physical damage was done, and as for the rest... well, I'm mostly healed, although it took quite some time and patience. As you said, everyone copes differently. I'm prone to completely withdrawing and nursing my anxieties (or placing the blame on myself), which is absolutely not healthy, but I'm only slowly starting to understand my inner workings and devising strategies on how to counteract some of the more harmful behaviours.
Which includes not taking everything as an accusation, so it's good you mentioned that you're not trying to judge my gender issues. I'm currently really thin-skinned, even for my (already low) standards, so I might have taken it the wrong way. Anyway, I actually enjoy others' takes and thought processes on their own identity. For obvious reasons, I've been discussing this topic quite a lot during the last two years, both with people who are entirely satisfied with their perceived role and others who aren't, or just aren't fitting into the traditional gender binary. Two friends of mine identify as genderfluid (one biologically male, one female), while I have some other friends and acquaintances who would consider themselves "non-traditional"/unconventional men or women without feeling an urge to initiate any kind of medical change or transition. What really fascinated me was that my genderfluid friends mentioned being rather content with their bodies, but (I can only try to recount it clumsily) wanting to change their gender role, or "how others see them", according to their identity at that moment. Meanwhile, I had no issues at all with my role or expected behaviour, as I'd been raised very gender-neutral and had never considered reigning in my "un-feminine" traits (or considered them something bad to have, neither for myself nor for other girls and women). My own issue was with my body, the way it felt strange, "wrong", and repulsive to me, and how my mental image of myself was very far from the one I saw in the mirror. During the last months, I had to write up several autobiographical reports and undergo intense questioning by reviewers, and my final (judicial) assessment will take place later this month, so I'm honestly a bit tired of repeating myself time and again, but that is in no way your fault and you deserve an honest explanation. I just feel like I've finally arrived at the place I want to be with my identity, like I finally see myself in the mirror and not some stranger I don't feel a connection to. I'm more at peace with myself, and it shows - and I won't give up any of my more "feminine" traits, heh. There's just no way to make me stop squeeing over cute kittens, or crying over a sad book! The most interesting thing is that the depressions I've had since I started puberty have nearly completely subsided. Usually they got more intense during the cold months, but this year was the first time in twenty years that I just felt a bit "meh" on a few days. So, to make a long story short, I think I have found "my way" - and I'm very away that everyone's way, and everyone's "result", is different. That's what makes humans so fascinating, we don't all fit into the same boxes, and I like it that way! (I just DON'T like people who try to police others' identities and sensibilities, but I'm not going to open that can of worms today.)
Apropos today, it's currently 5 AM. My sleep cycle seems to have turned itself completely on its head, insofar as I can't fall asleep before 8 AM, no matter what I do or how exhausted I am. Since there's a stressful week coming up soon (4 appointments in 4 days, most of them in remote cities, yaaay...), I really want to be able to actually get up in the morning again, but it seems that's not going to happen. Ah well. At least my New Year's Eve was fun, with most of my roleplaying buddies coming over, playing games and just having a fun and relaxed time. I hope your new year started out great, too!
And now I will deal with those yelling cats at my feet... you can't be hungry again already...
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Hey, you are getting better really quickly! Keep it up!
Be sure not to forget how important contrast is and that black usually solves most of the problematic areas of a picture
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*smiling sheepishly*
And maybe forget about trying to do dark tones with an HB mechanical pencil while I'm at it, heh.
There was a tad more contrast in the original - should I bump up the dark areas a little in the scanned file maybe?
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yeah, that should help! i do that a lot myself, cause i am never really sure ho much black i can afford when i am working traditionally. computer post-production saves a lot of time!
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