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exdevlin — . Eye :: Soul .
Published: 2004-02-10 06:20:00 +0000 UTC; Views: 252; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 127
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Description
+ . The Eye is Window to the Soul . +Outside, the branches of a young birch
Perform their Satanic dance.
Their shadows are multiplied
On the dull white walls
By the array of streetlights
Standing lonely sentry to the pavement.
The air gains voice as it howls
Through the glass, through the blank shadows,
To tell of maniacal sightings
And fantastical nothings.
As the droplets begin to herald
Bleak dampness on the dusty ground,
Time is slowed to the point where
Things move hairsbreadth by hairsbreadth,
Dazing the cognitive skills.
The outraged air strikes the droplets
Against a sudden barrier in the air,
The invisible glass of the window,
Bringing its roundness to a demise,
Sheltering the fragile imagination.
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Comments: 6
Great opening description, sets the mood nicely, and the usage of the word "Sentry" really adds to the description.
I like stanza two's personification of air and I love how it's brought back in the last stanza. Perhaps :
"The outraged air strikes the droplets
Against a sudden barrier in the air,"
Could be reworded:
"The outraged air strikes the droplets
Against a sudden airborne barrier"
It just sounds slightly better (shrug) not to end the line with a reused word within the stanza.
The ending line is perfect. Excellent work!
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Thank you very much for your critique! It's very rare that people take the time to leave something critical like this, and I really appreciate it. I never did notice that double usage of 'air', but now that you mention it, it does sound awkward. I'll think of a way to reword that (when my midterms finish. -_-; ).
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Bravo. You've taken a very simple thing, such as a storm (correct me if I'm wrong on the subject matter), and made it into something very profound and new. I love how you put air and the tree in such a very distinctly antagonistic role, while the rain seems to be some sort of messenger, warning of the oncoming doom the air seeks to bring. Absolutely brilliant work. These are the kind of pieces I aspire to be able to write; to be able to create images with my words that rival the works of the masters of the visual arts. All I can say is, keep it up.
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Thank you very much. I rarely put poetry up on DA, and it's really nice when someone leaves an indepth message. Although your interpretationg wasn't the original intent of the poem, I really like hearing how other people interpret abstract things like this, and I especially liked your interpretation. Thanks so much for leaving a comment, this is the kind of stuff that I appreciate.
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You're welcome. I can only hope I can eventually write things this well. I'd love it if someone could come and take a look at my own work, as I don't get much exposure around family, school, etc.
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i love this poem because it conveys a great mental picture. nicely done
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