HOME | DD
sVa-BinaryStar — Just Breathe
Published: 2012-07-08 03:44:39 +0000 UTC; Views: 4814; Favourites: 260; Downloads: 0
Redirect to original
Description
Braydan's not dead he is only subject to my emotional spasm. Imagine he is just having a nightmare or something.When I first started this piece I actually had a lot more to say than I do right now. I have been on an emotional roller coaster for about a year now, maybe a year and six months, up and down, up and down, but gradually continually down. Last week, I almost hit bottom I think and I admitted to my husband that I am depressed (which it's obvious-but it's a bit deal to admit it). A lot of it has to do with my struggling marriage, parts are his fault, parts are my fault but all of it making me really unhappy with my life as a whole. I admitted to genuinely disliking my life and I haven't felt true happiness or joy for an extended period. I'm happy on my riding day, but then it makes me want to ride more, then I feel guilty we can barely afford my lessons as it is and consider quitting. (though I won't quit, even if I have to sell my dogs and furniture)
It might be hard for some of you to realize, but I have no really good friends I know in person. It's quite sad actually, the people I generally talk to are on dA. And look who I am telling about my all this-you guys-not some best friend or chick I've been BFF with for forever. I moved when I was 16 and since then have had friends sort of come and go but nothing that really stuck for anything more than a few years. Once I hit college, same thing, made a few close friends but then started dating my husband and then it was only him from then on out.
Well now he is in college with the one vehicle we own, I catch rides to work during the school year but since it's summer I have no work and nothing to focus my emotions or mind on except out alone I constantly feel. Everyday I'm here at the house, doing the chores, keeping it tidy, with no where to go. My phone is silent except when my mom calls or Wes decides to txt, or someone needs something from me. I try to focus my energy into artwork, my dogs, and cleaning the house but it's not enough. There's such a void in my life. I don't really have a way to meet new people because I work in the same place I go to church so my work and social life are with the same group of people and they are all older with kids. So it's work/church at the same place, then home. Unless Wes and I do something together which is not often because he is busy with work and schoolwork himself.
Another contributing factor is lately Wes has developed a strong friendly relationship with another girl from his school. . . that hurts me. I trust him 100% but still I can't help how it makes me feel left behind, jealous, and hurt. He has a lot of other friends he hangs out with but she's constantly texting and they all go hang out and such, staying out really late while I'm at home waiting. It really gets to me and he knows it and is trying to work things out. But it's like now he's become such good friends with her, he doesn't want to hurt her as a friend, but at the same time he's hurting me by being a close friend with her. It's complicated and now I don't feel like talking about it anymore. I just feel like I'm constantly being disappointed. Like having my finger in a door and a kids keeps slamming it over and over.
I just need something to get my mind off things. Majorly. But there isn't anything.
Possibly will delete all of this a some point.
Horse Ref: [link]
Related content
Comments: 44
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
First thing to come to mind when I see this picture are those song lyrics, "Head underwater, and you tell me, to breathe easy for awhile. Well breathing gets harder, even I know that..."
But lovely picture, I especially love his pose, and I hope everything works out for you <3
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
i think i'm too young to get these things...? (i'm 13)
but i do know that my best friend left me for another "better" school
i had no real friends but her, and then she was gone
yes, the loneliness hits you real hard, but then you start to figure it out
i started writing
first diaries then i started to make some stories
after a month i reviewed my diaries and decided that being alone was ok, but not for too long
i took some writing lessons mainly to "social"
i dug out my old phonebook and started to meet up with my old classmates,
introduce them to the ones i have now, and establish some not-too-close-but-comforting friendships
maybe i'm a bit late to post this, but i hope it helps
remember there is still a whole world of people out there and i doubt everyone is better off than you
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I love it.I feel the same thing with you to.I just started school and know NO ONE in my class so I feel left out and lonnely at school.But what do you use to make these?Thy are so good
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
You are very very talented, my dear...you are also not alone. I, too, find myself home by myself with no real friends to hang with...or talk to... Though I am fairly used to this lifestyle, living far away from my friends who have all relocated across the country over the years, at times it does get the better of me and makes me feel like I am wasting my life away... I have been with my husband for 15 years and we still love each other very much. However, he has an outlet with his love of archery and the buddies he has... I had many horse friends but when my mare passed away 3 years ago, I suddenly found myself out of the loop as being at the barn emotionally hurt me at the time and talking to those friends was difficult as I missed my sweet girl fiercely. So I basically drifted away from that part of my life that was so dominant...and without a horse, I feel lost... I unfortunately can't afford a new equine friend...I worked my butt off to keep my girl for the 16 years I was blessed with her. I don't have the connections I used to have so finding someone willing to let me "borrow" their horse to get my "fix" is not easy...and my hours available are odd... I work overnight shifts on the weekends which pretty much screws up any plans my husband and I could possibly conceive... So I find myself at home a lot due mostly to financial constraints. I spend my time drawing my digital art, playing games and talking to long distance friends on Facebook... So I hear you hon...I get where you are emotionally...and you are not alone... Please feel free to drop me a line here or if you would like to become FB friends...I am a great listener...
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I can actually relate to how you feel. I sit at home, all day every day. Health issues cause me to not be able to have a job. My boyfriend is constantly at work and has close friends there that hurt me. I focus all of my day, emotions, pain, everything into my art, the dogs and cleaning, just as you do. It's amazing to find that someone else feels...LITERALLY...the exact same way I do. Thank you for posting this and posting how you feel. It makes me feel like I'm not so alone in my emotions. (I probably sound like some sappy freak, but I'm sure you might find it helpful to know someone else feels the exact same way as well)
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thanks for commenting. I think since I posted this image isn't really help me deal with it and come to terms a little. I still have days where I get depressed but there were some good suggestions in these comments. I've been really getting more active in my artwork even outside of harpg. Changing to a different medium for a little while (model horses and traditional art) has helped some. Perhaps you could try it. But yes, it's art, dogs and cleaning. 
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
I've found the thing that has helped me so far is getting away from all of the competition aspects of the harpg world and just drawing my horses just because I want to. I've also decided to completely restart my stables. Same horses. Same staff. New story. New name. As for the dogs, we have three. One teacup chihuahua, one German Shepherd mix (rescue) and a puppy that we have no idea what she is. XD. (Also a rescue). I would volunteer somewhere, but my doctors would even stop me from volunteering. As my doctor says "Sitting up for an hour causes your back to hurt, what do you think moving around all day will do for it?" =/.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Gorgeous work dear
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Thank you for showing, that Nordanners can be much more than fast art to gain credit points.
This piece now got a place in the #Nordanner feature gallery folder, where we feature the best nordanner art in the group.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I think this is a beautiful picture, very dynamic
And I hope you're feeling better soon
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
this is absolutely lovely, and im sorry about your emotional distress. all of us love you here, don't ever forget that <3
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
That's really a very impressive picture! I love the bubbles as well as the effect of the surface's refection upon him. Wonderful picture.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I really like this piece! You did an amazing job on the emotion. The pose and anatomy looks great as well!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
You're not alone with those feelings. *hugs* message me if you ever need to vent.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Aww, Binary, I'm so sorry 
On the up side, this picture is really great. You attempted a really difficult pose and pulled it off beautifully. The emotion in this piece is definitely apparent, and it really adds to the whole picture. Beautiful job, dear and try to keep a smile on your face. I know it's easier said than done, but it really will help. Even if you're not religious I think this Bible verse applies, it's in my signature, but I'll repeat myself
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I know it seems selfish to want somebody all to yourself, I find myself thinking such things about my friend I've worked with for almost three years. He's been a wonderful friend at work and though we don't 'talk' or hang out aside from work (maybe twice in the 3yrs time) he will text me fairly regularly. We've talked about everything under the sun and I'm quite fond of him. During our friendship he's been on and off with the same girlfriend and it makes me angry and sad. I realize I might not end up with him, I've come to terms with that, but I don't want him to be with someone who makes him miserable. (which he always seems to be around her)
Wacky girlfriend aside I don't appreciate the other girls at work being all over him. They constantly hit on him and most of them know how I feel. Thus far I've looked at it as an exercise in self control... I need to get a hold of my 'wanter' (as my Dad calls it) and understand in order to share a life both parties must have one. True you shouldn't expect them to never speak to anyone else but at the same time you can't be the only one in they're world literally.
My main point being I can understand your feelings. It such when things get 'complicated' and lines need to be drawn. Relationships with the opposite gender have to be monitored more carefully when you're married or even exclusively dating someone. (which some couples don't specify then get mad that their boyfriend was talking to someone else, just my opinion) So I hope you guys can get everything worked out. 
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
One of your finest pieces, methinks.
I hope things get better for you!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
This is absolutely gorgeous, you did a fabulous job. I love the mood, colors, and just the overall feel of it.
My other comments were sent via note.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
this is a fantastic piece -- the pose itself is SPECTACTULAR. and the details are so stunning.
my boyfriend and I have gone through something similar with a close girl friend from high school. she would intentionally do suggestive things to him because she knew it ticked me off, but he would never stop being friends with her, no matter how much my selfish begging got to him. she would talk shit about me to his face too and he would never defend me :/ I'm a very jealous person, so even reading about all you had to say with your boyfriend this girl got my blood going. I hope you guys are able to work something out; if she were texting my boyfriend constantly and they were hanging out just the two of them it would NOT fly with me
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Love this art..
i understand your "emotional spasm". everyone get that one time. Hope things get better the next time :]
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I hope that things will be better for you soon. I'm feeling sorry for you.
And this pic is so beautiful ! You're an amazing artist !
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
This is a very nice piece, I am sorry to hear your struggles. I don't know you or where you live, but if I could suggest something, it seems your stuck in a boring routine, leaving you to do nothing but constantly think about your problems, I would volunteer somewhere, do something that makes you feel good, and fulfilled. I myself not only volunteer for the local fair, running the petting zoo, but also volunteer for Fish & Game on field studies, as well as draw covers, Paint signs, etc. for free, It makes you feel like you've done something worth while, which I think calms your mind.
Just felt like telling my own experiences, I don't expect you to consider this or even reply, just though I could help
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Awww...
I love the picture - It's so dramatic and all. Great job. :3 Luckily it's only a nigthmare (the pic).
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I'm really sorry, I can see where you're coming from with the whole, you start dating a guy when you're 16 and then poof everyones gone all of sudden :c i hate that. Ive been dating my boyfriend for close to a year and gradually, people just stopped being there because they didn't wana compete for attention or chilling time.. :c sometimes, life just really sucks.
but you have beautiful artwork, and it really is something special c:
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I'm sorry, Binary. It'll all work out, just give it time
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I kinda know how you feel right now. It took me 5 years to make the 2 friends that I had and now they're gone. My only friends now are those here on deviantArt.
We are here for you. Through your ups and downs. And so is Bray.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Don't worry, BinaryStar. Your life will rise. I've had a rather miserable year myself, all because of a course of events I'd much rather not talk about, but I know how you feel. This masterpiece is gorgeous and I shall keep you in my prayers
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
It broke my heart to read all this.. Dear, hang on! 
I don't know if I can be at any help, since I don't even know how to handle my brothers that feels the same.. But I know from some experiences, that you need to feel some sort of new excitement and that can be hard to find since you don't feel so good
It may sound like the size of small potatoes in suggestion, but try to surf around the Internet and find awesome movies you want to watch (or watch it directly from the computer?) or perhaps series? Watch it alone or with your husband and perhaps decide a day or two when you can be together and do something fun, like eating pizza!
I don't know how bad you have it financial but a future trip somewhere is something to look forward too aswell! There's alot of choices and it's up to you to find those which you think is the most exciting and fun
I am no psychiatrist but I know that one of my depressed brothers became very happy and relaxed after a whole day at a certain hotel he liked, and maybe that is all you need to feel better and makes you atleast try to think more positive, and want to do a familiar thing again.. You've already said that that's how you feel when you ride and I fully understand that, and it's a shame that you're not able to ride more than you already do but riding places have so ridiculousy high payment anywhere you go, and that's really sad >_<
I don't know what kind of activities you have with your dogs and all I can say is that you can try to find new commands or activities to do outside with them..
About your friends, especially Wes, I understand how you feel, now that he's got another girl whom he texts and becomes close friend with. It's actually nothing weird with feeling left behind in a situation like that, and I don't really know what else to suggest than try to find new friendships (perhaps at the stable you're riding, or somewhere else where you usually meet the same people?) or come up with things to do so you don't have to mind waiting for him or his texts!
But enough of this loong comment, I got carried away there but I'm just so worried about you, since you're not only a fantastic artist with your own style but you're also really kind so it hurts to read this..
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
.... *is starring at the pic* This is amazing! .... Wow! *spechless*
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Oh this picture is absolutly fabulous. I just love how it looks and the feel you get looking at it.
And I feel liek I really know what you are going through in some ways... ...its a heavy thing to carry
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Aww I'm so sorry you don't feel so great.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I'm so sorry you're struggling, honey. Know that I'm thinking of you. Bray looks beautiful though, I really like this piece.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Very beautiful piece, and I can relate to most of what you're feeling. Sending some love your way
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Such a beautiful piece of art but such a sad meaning to it. I'm sorry to hear this. May not know you but every smile counts on anyone. I hope things get better and you don't struggle no more then you should.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Daww, that's all sad.
I love your horse drawings.especially this one
👍: 0 ⏩: 0